Thirty Thousand Bottles of Wine and a Pig Called Helga
Page 26
Ingredients
1 cup water
3/4 cup sugar
750ml Frizzante (sparkling Semillon)
1/3 cup lime juice
Method
• Place the water and sugar in a saucepan and boil for around 5 minutes until all the sugar has dissolved and it has thickened slightly.
• Into a large, shallow container that has a lid, pour the sugar syrup, the Frizzante and the lime juice (you can strain the juice if you prefer a smoother mixture but I keep mine rustic) – stir well.
• Place the container into the freezer.
• After three hours, stir the mixture with a fork.
• The following morning, stir the mixture with a fork again.
• One hour before serving, stir the mixture with a fork one final time – the end result should be sweet, boozy, citrusy ice crystals that melt in your mouth.
• Serve straight from the freezer in cocktail glasses.
Oat and Vanilla Cookies
I have lost count of the number of people who have asked me for this recipe. These are the cookies we leave all our guests when they check in with us at Block Eight. Inspired by a recipe from Rachel Allen, over the years I have tweaked her recipe to create a saltier, moister cookie that our guests just can’t get enough of. Here is a vegan version that is just as good.
Ingredients
225g vegan butter
200g caster sugar
2 tbsp vanilla extract
250g plain spelt flour
1/2 tsp sea salt
100g rolled oats
50g desiccated coconut
Method
• Preheat oven to 180 degrees Celsius.
• Beat the butter, sugar and vanilla in an electric mixer until pale and creamy.
• Sift in the flour and sea salt.
• Add the oats and coconut, and stir to combine, ensuring the oats are evenly dispersed.
• Work to form a firm dough.
• Roll the dough into a sausage shape, about 5cm diameter.
• Wrap tightly in cling film and place in the fridge to chill, at least 30 minutes.
• Slice the dough into 1cm rounds and place on a lined baking tray.
• Sprinkle each slice with extra sugar and bake in the oven for 15–20 minutes or until the edge of each cookie is slightly golden.
• Remove from the oven and allow to cool before handling.
Leroy surveys his new domain, ready to defend us and our pets. (Jeff Ross)
Jeff and my favourite view on the property and the reason we fell in love with Block Eight. (Melanie Luque)
Helga at Sugarloaf Animal Hospital just after her operation – my favourite photo of her. (Dr Mark Simpson, Sugarloaf Animal Hospital)
Rodney and Billy loved to jump up on their fence for food and scratches. (Todd Alexander)
Jeff (left) and I take Helga and the kids on a family walk. (Melissa Evans, Left of the Middle Photography)
Winston walks the steep drive at his new home. (Jeff Ross)
Jeff Ross – you once read something of mine and said, ‘You should write more comedy.’ I’m sorry it took me twelve years to follow your advice, but at least I finally did. Thank you for being my co-pilot, co-author and perfect foil. I couldn’t think of a better partner in crime.
Bradley Trevor Greive – I have known for over twenty years that the world is a better place because you are in it. Now I know firsthand what an extraordinarily generous human being you are – one of the best mentors I’ve had and all on the strength of two incredibly potent sentences that truly helped me find my voice.
Maggie Beer – ten years ago I sat by the dam at your property and that moment provided all the inspiration I needed to change my life. Thank you for sharing your journey with so many of us, and from the bottom of my heart, more than words can possibly express, thank you for supporting this book.
Rachael Johns, Australian publishing legend – thanks for your breathtaking generosity and lovely words, provided at a time when you had more than enough on your plate! I’m forever grateful.
Stephan Elliott – I depended on the kindness of strangers with you and for some reason (which will always remain a mystery to me) you supported me – a guy heavily influenced by your work. Thank you. Sheridan Jobbins, thank you for the introduction to Stephan and for being the glue that bonded us. I’m indebted and owe you both contributions to the RWP fund.
Melanie and Jesus Luque – you never asked to become characters in a book but you embraced the idea with open hearts. Our lives are immeasurably richer because you, Sophia and Amelie are in them, and always will be. And thank you Sophia and Amelie for consistently voting us your favourite farmers (me #1, Jeffy #2).
At Simon & Schuster Australia: Dan Ruffino, when an author like me has your support he feels like one of the luckiest on the planet; Elissa Baillie, friend and stupendously talented Sales Director – please keep the Icelandic spring water coming; Roberta Ivers, a brilliantly nuanced and perceptive co-author if ever there was one; Katie Stackhouse, Helga says you owe her a bowl of milk, I on the other hand owe you more than words can possibly express; Anna O’Grady, you always have the best words when mine fail me; Kirsty Noffke, thanks for hitting the ground running! Shannon Kelly, thank you for every single suggestion and the butterflies they evoked. And to the rest of the crew – thank you for making me feel like family.
Cheryl Akle – the oracle of the Australian publishing industry, thank you for nudging me when I lacked the confidence. And you’re not a bad cook, either.
Jane Novak – you threw me a life jacket when I felt I was drowning. Thank you.
Lou Johnson – you planted the seed. Look how it grew. Thank you.
Mum – thank you for letting me tell the world about your bloody bottom. Your wisdom, strength, positivity and support are a constant source of inspiration. And no, we never went to the All Blurries together, did we Mum?
Dad, Glen (Gwyneth), James (Janice), Grant (Martin), Bec, Jess, Sarah, Soph, Paul (Right Royal), Marie (Lady Dowager) – support came in about a million different forms and every ounce was noted, loved and appreciated. No idea was too stupid, no dream too big.
Millie Ross – every single step of our journey has been met with your support and generosity. You gave me the greatest gift I’ve ever received, then you went ahead and embraced me too. I love you loads. Lovain, Carole, Siran and Tina – your support from afar makes it just a bit more bearable that we don’t get to see you as often as we would like.
To my wives, Vicky and Jane Hunterland, and our beyond fabulous children, Lucy and Charlie – words cannot express our love, and how wonderful it has been sharing this crazy life with you. Aunty Kim and Aunty Charissa, you remain our biggest supporters.
My pit crew: Kirsti Wright, Andy Lasky, Belinda Chiarella, Wendy Alexander – thanks for pumping up the tyres when they were flat, slapping me when the jokes were flat and being the first to offer a zhoosh when the hair was. Alison Peters, you’re the only one who always sends the cards – always. Sam, Aunty Toddy and Farmer Jeff love you.
The Fallons – Nicole (Pet) you’ve been my friend for forty-one years. I’m not sure what that says about you, but what it says about me: fortunate, thankful . . . GEW! Uncle Rod and Aunty Anne – we just love you.
Peter and Angela Southwell – you embraced two vee-gays without a blink of an eyelid and made us a part of your family. Pete, your patience and knowledge made Jeff into Block Eight’s jack-of-all-trades and we could not have got where we have were it not for you. Thank you.
Natalie and Andrew Copeland – we couldn’t ask for better neighbours. Well, perhaps some who didn’t make us drink so much, but we’ll take the good with the bad.
The Jobbins and Drake families: Merry, Lachy, Merv, Ron, Lis, Tom, Sarah, Mary-Jayne and Brett. We are family.
The Akle Clan: Kieran, Rebecca, Connor and Lucas Morgan; Joan and Sam Sattout; Margaret and Louis Taborda; Beryl and Buddy Kassoum; Gladys Akle – it’s so rare
to know an extended family where every single person is full of love and acceptance. Thank you.
Chris and Verity Muscat – none of this would be real without your vision, talent and belief. Special thanks, too, for contributing designs to the book.
Sheena Nathwani – it’s now true: everyone’s talking ’bout my piggy, ’bout my piggy . . . Your annual visits are a yearned-for highlight in our calendar.
eBay friends one and all – thanks for the memories, sorry for the aching hands and heads. Matt Evans, Scott Shillinglaw, Tahshi Payne, Sue Francis, Tom Collins, Nicolette Maury, Isla Hale, Adam Burgess, Jochen Eckert, Cecile Dela Cruz, Tom Butler, Mark Lancaster, Heather Boucher, Helen Cowan, Jo Hicks, Patrick Luetjens, Mark Hong, Ming Foong, Peter Mason, Duncan Brett and all your spouses, kids and tagalong friends. Any I have forgotten, I’m truly sorry.
Our free labourers – Nicole Slater, Cameron Banks, Maggie Allingham, Liz May, Kel Searancke, Andy Marlton, Brett Millar, Greg Dean, Richard Unsworth, Clive Alcock and Jo Leet (thank you for the plaque), Bec and Jim Hill, The Queensland Pruning Crew, Shae Chester and Richard McGuire, Virginia Frame, Pauline George (Moto) and Maree Hibberson. Again, I know I will have forgotten someone – if I have, come claim your free wine.
Melanie and Hamish Stone – please stop leaving money on the table! Your visits are payment enough because we miss you.
Al Turner and John Harrower – cousins whose support is beyond generous.
Paul Bevan – you interviewed Jeff and me very early in our journey, igniting a spark of belief that our story was worth telling.
Andrea Gibbs and Kerry O’Sullivan at Barefaced Stories – you made me shit my pants by inviting me (via the Perth Writers Festival) to stand in front of an audience and talk for ten minutes with no notes. I chose to tell a funny story. . . and your audience’s reaction made me think it was possible for me to make people laugh, after all.
Thank you to all of our Hunter support crew – Dan Binet, Natalie Binet, Jenny Bright, Janell Smith, Shelly Jurd, Cain Beckett, Gai-Lee Leedham, Margaret and John, Ross McDonald, Derice McDonald . . . and the hundreds of local business staff members who help make our days truly joyful.
Thank you to the irrepressible and lovely Natasha Borsky for her vegan nutrition advice, and making sure Jeff’s organs resist those lethal chemicals.
And finally to the staff at Sugarloaf Animal Hospital, and Singleton Veterinary Hospital – our boundless gratitude for taking such great care of our little family.
About the Author
Todd Alexander has been writing for more than twenty years. His work has been published in magazines and periodicals, and his first novel, Pictures of Us, was published in 2006. Tom Houghton, his second novel, was published in 2015. He lives in the Hunter Valley of New South Wales with his partner, Jeff, where they run a boutique vineyard and accommodation business, Block Eight.
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Also by Todd Alexander
Tom Houghton
Pictures of Us
THIRTY THOUSAND BOTTLES OF WINE AND A PIG CALLED HELGA: A NOT-SO-PERFECT TREE CHANGE
First published in Australia in 2019 by
Simon & Schuster (Australia) Pty Limited
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© Todd Alexander 2019
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Cover image: Adobe Stock
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