Corrupt Love

by Cee Perkins

  After returning the dogs to their room and the toys to the closet (I had a closet full of toys, too. And I really wanted to show my toys to Dan), we said goodbye to Rocky and headed for dinner.

  I was getting used to this whole chivalry thing Dan had going on. I’d never felt like a lady— shit, I’d never wanted to feel like a lady. But Dan’s hand on my lower back represented something I’d never known I needed; it represented that I was wanted.

  Fuck that was a heady feeling.

  Dan

  Corra made it easy to touch people. Correction: Corra made it easy to touch her. She was pretty, soft, and full of fire. She made it easy to think I could be normal. It didn’t matter that we were at that particular restaurant because I knew the health rating was top-notch, and it didn’t matter that I thoroughly inspected the silverware before picking it up to eat. Corra helped me put those things out of my head once I’d done them, and I didn’t focus on those little obsessive compulsions. And all she did was hold a conversation with me.

  Her voice was only slightly raspy, adding to her edgy style. Her blue eyes stayed intent on mine when I answered her questions. Her smile was flirty, and she skimmed over my arm, shoulder, or hand at random intervals. Her touch was addictive— and for me, that was saying a lot. I think it was right when I decided I wanted to date her— she could help me overcome my anxiety, and she wouldn’t even know it.

  I walked her up to her door that night after dinner, and part of me wanted so badly for her to invite me in, but the bigger part of me knew I wasn’t ready. I had been dealing with a lot lately, and the next step for us was going to test my fragile confidence. I couldn’t handle it right then. But the thing with Corra was that she seemed to recognize it.

  “I had a great time, tonight, Dan. I never pictured you playing with dogs,” she said with a teasing smile.

  “Well, it was hard at first, but then I realized that giving something affection when it desperately needed it gave me a sense of peace…wow, that was corny,” I said, rolling my eyes and pocketing my hands.

  Corra reached up and turned my face to hers. “I get it,” she said.

  My hands acted on their own and grabbed her waist. I couldn’t help my gaze, steady on hers as we closed the space between us. Her hands ran over my hair as our lips brushed, then connected, our tongues tangling and my heart speeding up.

  I was becoming used to the feeling of lust when I was around Corra. Or thinking of her. Or texting with her. I wasn’t even put off by the stiffening of my dick— another way she was changing me, I never thought the word “dick”— anymore, and I knew she could feel it but instead of pushing away, she moved in closer, more fully connecting to my length with her body. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her to me as our kiss deepened.

  Suddenly Corra pulled away, panting heavily. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to invite me in, and I knew she could see my panic over the possibility that she would.

  “Goodnight, Dan,” she said, looking into my eyes but not moving away.

  “Goodnight, Corra,” I said, not moving, either.

  Corra stepped back, shaking her head as though she were clearing her thoughts. She fumbled for her keys and put them in the lock before I interrupted her.

  “Corra, you know I want you, right?” I asked quietly, afraid of both her answer and my audacity at asking.

  She turned toward me. “I do. But I also know that you’re not like any man I’ve ever met, and you make me feel like no one ever has. I don’t want to push you into something you’re not ready for. You’ll come to me when it’s time.”

  I stared at the ground, heat spreading up my neck and over my face. “I just don’t want you to lose patience with me. I’m trying to…consolidate my baggage, but I have a long way to go.”

  “Dan,” she said, and I looked up. “I’ve never been patient for anything in my life. But you put your hand on my lower back twice tonight. I’ve never had that feeling, either— never wanted it. You…you make me feel wanted, and like a lady. It makes me want to be a lady for you. I’m not losing patience, I promise you that. I like how you make me feel, and I’m in no hurry to give it up.”

  My heart beat so hard against my chest that I could hear it echoing off the walls. I didn’t know what to say to that, except, “Thank you. You make me feel like…I can handle the things that make me anxious…well. And…I’ve never had that.”

  Her smile warmed me from the inside. “Goodnight, Dan.”

  I took her in another deep kiss, memorizing her silky hair, her jasmine-scented perfume, the softness of her lips on mine. Then I leaned back and repeated, “Goodnight, Corra.”

  She turned and opened her door, looking back one last time with a smile. I exhaled heavily, emotion coursing through me at speeds I couldn’t catch. It wasn’t a panicked feeling, though. For once, it was a welcome feeling of happiness, that rush of first love. I had a feeling Corra was going to be the one woman I would be with for a long time, like Ryan said would happen.

  Chapter 13

  Corra

  I needed to understand what I was feeling for Dan, and I needed to understand if I could ever have a functional relationship with someone who is not in my line of work. Unfortunately, married hitmen are few and far between so it’s not like I had examples. And hitwomen are like fucking unicorns on their own, much less ones in relationships. Cay was the only person I’d known who had a relationship, that might compare with my situation sketchy job or otherwise.

  “So you really think you and Ryan could work long-term?” I’d asked Cay as we sparred at the gym. She crouched down and went for a low kick.

  “I mean, I don’t think I could ever tell him how I make my money. So, can that really be serious? I like him, for real kind of like him, but if I can’t be totally honest with him, how is it going to work?”

  I jumped her kick and flipped her to the mat. She sprung back up, aiming the heel of her hand at my collarbone. “So what are you going to do? Break it off?” It didn’t even occur to me that she’d change her career.

  Her pointy elbow jabbed me in the boob. “Fuck, bitch, cheap shot!” I said with a scowl and rubbed my tit.

  She just shrugged and said, “When you’re my size, you take what you can get. I really don’t want to break it off with him. And right now, I’m not feeling that sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. You know the one, when you know you have to lie to someone and you don’t want to?”

  I stopped. “I’ve never had that feeling. I don’t care who I lie to,” I said, wrinkling my brow. Cay took another cheap shot, this time she twisted my arm behind me and jumped on my back. “What the fuck is wrong with me today?” I asked, finally acknowledging that I was off my game.

  “You have too much shit on your mind. Let’s use the bags so I don’t hurt that sweet mug of yours,” Cay answered with a smirk.

  I rolled my eyes and followed her off the mat. We taped our hands, silently concentrating on the task. “I’m not saying it won’t work, and I’m not saying you can never tell him. Dan isn’t a law officer like Ryan, so I can’t really compare. If Ryan were to find out what I do and didn’t report me, he could lose not only his job, but he’d never be a policeman again. Dan has a rigid moral code, sure, but it’s a long-shot possibility that if y’all fall in love and he’d rather deal with your questionable morals than not be with you, he probably wouldn’t turn you in.”

  I snorted. “That’s a lot of ‘if’ and ‘probably’ in that statement.”

  She just shrugged again. “The thing about people is that you can never really know what they’re gonna do. I mean, Ryan could find out about me tonight and beg me to elope. I’m not going to stop what’s making me feel good because I’m scared or because I’d feel bad if he found out.”

  “I know I can’t tell Dan about what I do. Probably never. But can I live a life with him that doesn’t include 100% honesty? How would I feel if I found out he was carrying secrets like this one?”

  Truthfully, I
knew I wouldn’t care. I had a skewed idea of justice and morality. I once killed a man because his neighbor paid me to, the man wouldn’t take down his Christmas lights. Those kinds of things don’t sit on my conscious…but they would on Dan’s.

  Was I being fair to him? And did I care? I liked how he made me feel, so should that make me worry about his feelings? See, this is why I hated emotions. This is why I’d never sought it out, what Dan and I had. That feeling right there- not the one of being wanted or admired, but the one of concern for how he’d feel. And besides, what right did I have to decide how he’d feel in a situation, or about me in general? If he wanted to love me, that’s not my problem. If he wanted to fuck me, that’s not my problem. As far as I was concerned, I only needed to worry about my own feelings and wants.

  And yet.

  Why was it Dan that always made me say that? Why was it Dan, the innocent, straight-as-an-arrow Dan, who made me feel this need to make him happy?

  “Hey. That bag isn’t punching you back, you know,” Cay said mildly from beside me.

  It was only then that I noticed the rips I had made with the force I had exerted on the bag. Fuck.

  I was no closer to an answer and now I owed my gym a punching bag. I sighed. “I don’t do this feelings bullshit for a reason. I don’t like having to think about other people’s feelings.”

  Cay snickered.

  “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, you little garden gnome,” I said, turning my back and walking toward the locker room. I really was off my game, and it’s a good damn thing I wasn’t on a job. I didn’t even hear Cay run up behind me and tackle me to the floor.

  “I’m not a god damned gnome, you big flagpole,” she said, pinning me to the floor. I couldn’t help it, I laughed at her. Soon, she was laughing too. We both sat up and drew in deep breaths.

  “If Dan has you this tied up in knots, I think you should stick it out. You’re…mellow. I don’t know, it’s like you’re getting something that’s calming you.”

  “Yeah. Like Xanax.”

  Cay laughed again. “Dan the Xanax Man? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind that nickname.”

  I shook my head and turned again toward the locker room.

  Before getting into our cars and going in different directions, Cay stopped me with a hand on my arm. “Hey, I know you’re feeling out of sorts over this. Maybe we should have a night out to unwind. Thursday?”

  I mulled it over. A night out…that usually entailed me picking up a man after getting toasted. Maybe that’s what I needed. A night to be myself.

  “Yeah, let’s do that. Thursday.”

  If I could be pre-Dan Corra, maybe I wouldn’t need to stress so much about this. Because pre-Dan Corra didn’t give a shit. And if I couldn’t be pre-Dan Corra, then I’d know I wanted to be more with Dan. Huh. I never saw that coming.

  Dan

  Wednesday was my night to hang out with Ryan, so we were at The Game Room, talking over beers and mozzarella sticks. Naturally, our conversation turned to our girls.

  Our girls. Corra was my girl. Never saw that coming.

  “Cay seems to think Corra’s nuts about you. She said she’s never seen Corra like this. She normally makes fun of people in relationships. It seems as though you’ve…tamed her,” Ryan said, his gaze carefully studying me for my reaction.

  “I…don’t know if I’d say I ‘tamed’ her,” I answered. “We just went out on a couple dates.”

  “So you’re casual about her?”

  “Ryan, I not only let the girl kiss me but then I also initiated it. How casual do you think that is for me?”

  Ryan’s eyes grew as wide as saucers. “No shit?”

  “No…shoot.”

  Ryan’s jaw was on the table, eyes wide with disbelief. Then he shook himself and gathered his thoughts. “So I’m guessing that means therapy is going well?”

  “Yes, it is. Dr. Amato is pleased with the progress. And I’m learning how to deal with being overwhelmed. It’s…easy with Corra. She makes it easier for me to let go of some of those things that make me feel out of control. Like, I don’t think I’d have a problem with her staying the night. I think it would be ok if she moved the TV remote, you know?” Ryan nodded and I continued, “I mean, I’m not ready for the…physical parts of the relationship yet, which worries me kind of. Corra’s a beautiful woman and she’s said herself that she’s not used to chasing someone and she’s not patient. So I’m afraid of how long her patience for that part will hold out,” I said, fiddling with the paper from my food basket.

  Ryan sat back and rubbed his jaw. “Cay has never seen Corra like this. She’s never seen Corra stop to think about how someone would react to her decisions. She does that with you, though. She considers you. Cay seems to think her patience for you won’t run out unless you decide you don’t want to date her anymore.”

  “Why would I stop dating her?” I asked, confused.

  Ryan arched a brow. “Have you met her? She’s not exactly a demure personality,” he said.

  I chuckled, thinking about her tendency to curse and her disregard for company when she says impolite things. “No, she’s not. But can you think of another person who can push me like I need?”

  “That’s true. Are you sure you want to be pushed, though?”

  Without hesitation, I answered, “Yes. Not just because I like Corra, though. I need to enjoy life, and I haven’t been doing a very good job of that. I’m too caught up in keeping the lifestyle I have that I didn’t realize that I was passing up the reason I work so hard for it.”

  He stared at me for a long minute. “What brought on this change, Dan? Your dad dying?”

  “Oh, no. You did, actually. The day you met Cay. You said if I alleviated some of my anxiety, I’d have a better quality of life and I was a jerk to you about it. I decided I didn’t want to be a jerk to you and that you were right. It didn’t really help matters that Mack had said I needed to be medicated a couple of days before.”

  “I’m happy for you, Dan. Not just about Corra, though. I’m happy for you that you decided to go after the life you deserve. You deserve a good life.”

  “Thanks, man. So…Cay, huh? How’s that going?”

  Ryan shifted, rubbed the back of his neck and smiled like…like a man in love. “It’s…great. I can feel a future with her. She’s fierce, smart, and pocket-sized. She’s perfect for me.”

  “That’s great, Ry. Really. Who’d have thought a little pixie would manage to rope you?” I said with a laugh.

  He chuckled, too. “I know. I’ve always thought I’d end up with a school teacher or something like that. Someone ok with being home and taking care of the babies. That’s definitely not Cay. I’m not sure what exactly she does for work aside from debt collecting, but she doesn’t seem likely to want to give it up to have a family.”

  Huh. “You know, I don’t even know what Corra does for a living,” I said.

  “I’m sure it’ll come up.”

  “Yeah.”

  *****

  Mr. Walker finally got back to me on Thursday. To say he wasn’t happy was an understatement. The search of Jason’s office for any missing receipts turned up nothing. I supposed I was going to have to turn the file over to Mr. Whitman.

  I prepared my findings neatly and headed toward Mr. Whitman’s office. I didn’t like turning over client files that I couldn’t handle. It made me feel like I was failing the client and the company. The Walker Investments account was one I couldn’t handle and not only because of the excess money. Mr. Walker was being dishonest. I wouldn’t work for someone who is not truthful and knowingly committed illegal acts. Even though I had been working through things that made me anxious and rigid, I know that this is something that could never change. I couldn’t, in good conscience, condone things I knew were wrong.

  That certainly went deeper than I meant on this walk to Mr. Whitman’s office.

  I knocked rapidly on Mr. Whitman’s door, then opened it and walked in after hearing a distract
ed. “Yes,” from inside.

  “Mr. Whitman?” I asked.

  My boss looked up and said, “Oh, Dan, come in. How can I help you?”

  I walked further into his office and handed him the file on Walker Investments. “I can’t be on this account, sir. I received the file from Alaina the day Jason…passed, and after going through it and trying to reconcile the receipts and deposits found deposits of funds in excess of $10,000 for the last quarter that were not included in the receipts. I asked Alaina about it, and she said that Jason had given her the file at the end of the day before, so she hadn’t had a chance to look at it. As you know, I also was able to look through Jason’s office to find any receipts that may not have made it into the file. Then, if you look in the file, you’ll see my email correspondence with Mr. Walker. He was aware of the discrepancy before I notified him, and he told me that Jason had been able to make them match, and I needed to do the same. He was…telling me to hide the money. Sir, he’s laundering money,” I finished, pocketing my hands.

  Mr. Whitman sat back and rubbed his head, sighing deeply. “Well this certainly complicates things, doesn’t it?”

  I could only stare at him.

  “Ok, inform Mr. Walker that I’ll be taking over the account. Be sure to include my contact information in case he has questions.”

  “Yes, sir. I’ll do that now. Sir?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you going to turn him in?”

  Tapping on his desk, Mr. Whitman considered the question. “I’m going to go back through this with a fine-toothed comb. Not that I don’t trust that you’re meticulous, but accusing someone of money laundering is a serious accusation. I just want to make sure nothing has been overlooked. Hopefully, Jason simply misplaced receipts.”

  I frowned, but I agreed. “Very much so. I’m sure it’s nothing.” As turned to leave Mr. Whitman’s office.

  “Oh, Dan?”

  I stopped and looked at him. “Don’t, ah, tell anyone, ok? We don’t want to run around being all willy-nilly.”