Corrupt Love

by Cee Perkins

  All I’d wanted was to feel normal. And now...now I knew that would never be possible for me.

  My ringing phone brought me back to reality. Checking the ID, I answered reluctantly.

  “Hi, Mom, is everything ok?”

  She took a deep breath. Ok then, it’s not ok. “Oh sure, sure Danny. I just wanted to let you know that I’m feeling better and may not be home when you stop by this evening. I’m—”

  “I’m not coming by this evening.”

  “What?” she said, sounding stunned.

  “I’m not coming by tonight. I’m not even in town.”

  I could tell she was taken aback. “Oh. Where— where are you?”

  Looking around, I finally said, “I’m not exactly sure, Mom. I’m in a McDonald’s parking lot, but that’s as much as I can tell you.” I said it flatly, uncaring if she was worried.

  That would be a new one for her.

  “That’s...that’s not like you, Danny. Is everything ok?” she asked in a shaky voice.

  “Yeah sure. What’s wrong, mom?”

  She was quiet for a moment, then. “Oh, nothing. I just wanted to call you in case I wasn’t here when you stopped by, but since you’re not coming, I’ll just...let you go, then.”

  “Ok. Bye.” I didn’t wait for a response from her. Didn’t care about one. I just stopped. Giving. A. Shit.

  Corra

  The knock I’d been expecting for a week finally came on Saturday. A week after Dan left.

  Fitting.

  I still wasn’t getting out of bed, but I heard Cay’s gasp when she opened the door. “Ryan...what— what are you doing here?”

  “I need to speak with Corra. Alone.” Ryan’s voice was hard and cold. I knew Cay would keep her shit together in front of him, regardless of how broken her heart and spirit were.

  “She’s, um. She’s in her room,” Cay answered.

  “Thanks.” His heavy footsteps trudged down the hallway and stopped in front of my bedroom door. I didn’t move, still staring out the window. I’d been like this for a week, in pieces, and I wasn’t going to be miraculously put back together because Ryan had come to arrest me.

  “Corra,” He said it simply, business-like.

  Still no movement from me. Dan’s scent had worn off the pillow he’d slept on for one night, and any part of him left on the sheets and blanket had been covered by my depression.

  Ryan stepped in the room, then rounded the bed to look me in the face. “Corra,” he said again. I let my eyes track to his face, acknowledging his presence.

  He blew out a breath, then asked, “Have you heard from Dan?”

  I stared at him hard, willing myself to talk. I knew I’d been like this too long, and it was time to get up. I’d just never been through heartbreak before, and to say I wasn’t handling it well was like saying Mars was a mile away. I pushed myself up to sit so I could stare at him closer. “You know I haven’t.”

  “What happened? He’s gone, hasn’t been to work since Thursday morning. His mom said she spoke to him but he didn’t know where he was.”

  Crack. That was the first crack to my willpower. “I don’t know where he is.”

  “You said that. I want to know what happened between you two that he felt the need to go off the rails.”

  Rip. That was the feeling of my heart falling out of place— again.

  I kept my eyes on him as I slowly responded, “He found out that I killed the man you were called out for on Friday.”

  The expression on his face was indescribable. Confusion, disbelief, skepticism all flashed over his face. “You...did what now?”

  I knew I was digging my own grave here, but I didn’t care anymore. I was a monster, the darkness in the night that people ran from, and my time had come. “The man, Sylvestor McMahone, that was murdered Friday. Dan found out that I killed him.”

  Ryan swayed on his feet, then fell heavily onto the side of my bed. “That was a professional hit. We’ve already found evidence his wife contracted to have him killed. And nothing traced back to you.”

  I simply stared at him.

  “So you’re telling me that Dan knew this, and that’s why he broke it off with you? Wait, what the hell am I saying, of course, he broke it off.” He trailed off, still mumbling to himself. I heard Cay shifting in the hallway, but it didn’t register with Ryan. He snapped his head up. “You’re the bad guy.”

  Well, duh. I just confessed to murder. Ryan was still disoriented, looking like he was trying to piece together a puzzle, connect the dots between what happened with Dan and me and him and Cay. He wasn’t reaching for his cuffs or his gun, so apparently, he wasn’t concerned with the technical aspect of my confession.

  “Did— does Cay know?” he asked hesitance clear on his face, resignation in his voice.

  “Yes,” she said quietly from the door.

  He jumped up and whirled on her. “This is why you broke up with me.”

  She kept her gaze down as she nodded her head. “Were you involved?”

  She took a deep breath, and raised her eyes slowly until she met his stare dead-on. “Not with this one.”

  Understanding dawned on his face, and he seemed to remember I was in the room. “I can’t know this,” he said softly.

  I looked at him sharply. “But you do.”

  He was shaking his head. “No. No, I don’t. You didn’t say anything to me and Cay wasn’t here. You didn’t just tell me that I can’t find my best friend because he found out you’re a murderer,” he gritted out, accusation in his face.

  “You think I killed him?” I huffed a laugh. “Of course. Because that’s what hitmen do when they’re discovered. They get rid of the witnesses.” I shook my head, then looked up at him. “I might have killed any love he had for me, but I assure you, I would never physically harm a hair on his body. I’ve been in this bed since he left me last week. And I sure as fuck wouldn’t put a contract out on him for someone else to do it.”

  Ryan reached behind him and I heard a click before he brought his hand back around his body. Cay moved fast, jumping on him and grabbing his wrist and knocking out what he was holding while she took him down. “Get off me, you crazy bitch, I’m just trying to call him!” he yelled.

  “I’m sorry, it was a gut reaction!” she exclaimed, then climbed off him. He shook his head and glared at her.

  “I knew you were a fucking whack job,” he said, reaching for his phone again.

  He didn’t see the pain his words caused in Cay’s eyes. “Hey, fuckwad, don’t talk to her like that. She thought she was protecting me,” I said venomously. Ryan just shook his head, scrolling through his phone. He finally glared up at me as he hit the call button but didn’t say anything.

  I heard the phone ringing, then the most addictive sound I never thought I’d get to hear again.

  “Hello?” Dan answered.

  “Where the fuck are you?” Ryan practically yelled at him.

  It was silent for a minute, then Dan said, “Ah...the Appalachian, I think?”

  I couldn’t stop the tears that started falling. He sounded like Dan, but different. Like something was missing. “Why did you call?” he asked.

  “Because no one knows where the fuck you are, Dan. You’ve been missing for 48 hours and you didn’t tell anyone you were leaving!”

  “I didn’t know,” he answered nonchalantly. This was not my Dan.

  “You didn’t know what?” Ryan asked.

  “That I was leaving. I just...did. I’m fine. Well, I’m breathing, anyway.”

  CRACK. There went another piece of me. His voice...it was him, but hollow, quieter than even when we first met.

  “Corra told me what happened.”

  Silence on the other end.

  “But you didn’t,” Ryan said, hurt and concern threaded through his voice.

  “Nope. Didn’t feel the need to,” he said carelessly.

  “Dan—”

  “Did you need anything else?” Dan interrupted
.

  Confusion covered Ryan’s face and he shook his head. “Uh...I guess do you know when you’re coming back?”

  “Hm...No, I don’t think so.”

  “You...don’t think so,” Ryan repeated flatly.

  “No. I’m not done yet,” he said matter-of-factly.

  “Done with what?”

  “I don’t know. I just know I’m not done.”

  Ryan shook his head like he’d never met Dan before. I guess none of us had met this Dan.

  “Oh...ok? I’ll...be here when you get back.”

  “Sure thing. Bye.” And he was gone.

  Ryan and I just stared at one another. Ryan was slack-jawed and I had tears streaming down my face. I’d done that to him. I made him into that person.

  This is not what I’d had in mind when I set out to corrupt him. I’d wanted to free him, not break him.

  I took a deep breath and wiped my face. “See, I didn’t kill him,” I said, then got off the bed and headed to the bathroom.

  “Where are you going?” Ryan asked.

  “To shower. If you’re taking me to jail, I’d rather not go smelling like I haven’t showered in a week.”

  Chapter 21

  Dan

  I hadn’t shaved in three days. Hadn’t even showered or went for clean clothes since Friday morning, when I stopped at a Walmart and bought some. I was dirty, filthy even. But.

  Nothing bad had happened. I knew I still had a house, my car was still mine and intact, my job would be there when I got back. I hadn’t lost anything by being dirty, or not cleaning my house on schedule, or missing a workout. Although, this hiking I’d been doing was plenty of a workout.

  I was somewhere along the Appalachian Trail, but I couldn’t say where exactly. I’d chosen a trail and just started walking. Up, over, up, and straight-up even. I’d reached the summit right as the sun was rising. Looking out over the mountains and valleys around me, I realized that all of the panic, depression, anxiety, and rigidity I’d forced on myself ever since I’d become in charge of myself, in reality, didn’t give me the control I’d been seeking so steadfastly. The truth was, it didn’t matter that I’d been a twenty-nine-year-old virgin. It didn’t matter that I’d never taken an unnecessary sick day. And, honestly, it didn’t matter that I couldn’t take care of my mom. However, I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I could have brought her to my house or stayed at hers, I just didn’t want to. My mom and dad had never done anything for me beyond the basics, and even that was sketchy at times. Why would I put myself out taking care of someone I wasn’t even sure loved me? I did not doubt that given the chance, Mom would have taken my valuables and hocked them for gambling money.

  So no, I just plain didn’t want to take care of her. I supposed that my mind wanted to cover up some of the guilt from knowing that, and that’s where the anxiety had come from. Even now, knowing that she’s physically ok and back out there, I still didn’t want to take care of her.

  I did miss Corra though. I missed how she made me laugh. I missed how she made me feel as though there was nothing wrong with me when I felt that I’d always be broken. Her rude words and crass behavior, her sleepy smile, her easy giggle, her ability to draw me out and make me comfortable while doing it.

  In my head, I still couldn’t reconcile my Corra with a cold assassin. I didn’t believe my Corra was capable of taking human life. The dual personalities seemed impossible until I realized— I had dual personalities, too. Rigid, scared Dan and hiking, filthy Dan were two different people inhabiting the same body.

  I’d known that Corra was with Ryan when he called. It had been too quiet in the background at first until I started hearing the sniffs that were not coming from Ryan. Knowing that she was in the same room with Ryan made me curious as to what had happened when I’d hung up on them. And knowing that she told Ryan about the murder made me wonder if perhaps I’d changed her almost as much as she’d changed me.

  She had most definitely changed me. Virginity aside, she was freeing me little by little, and I was letting her. I took a risk with her and...yeah, I got burned, but it wasn’t a deep scar so much as a flesh wound. I was stronger than her admission. And it had taken some time, but this trip had made me realize that taking a risk with Corra is what made it possible for me to even make the trip in the first place. The whole fallout of Cay’s big mouth led me here, breathing in mountain air and staring at an endless horizon. I wasn’t angry anymore. Or scared. I knew Corra would never hurt me. I didn’t even have to take a risk on that, it was just inherent knowledge. She loved me. She’d protect me at any cost, I knew that.

  Old Dan wouldn’t have even considered contemplating letting Corra back in his life. New Dan considered it, but ultimately, her choice in career was at odds with my core beliefs, and no matter what changes New Dan was undergoing, those core beliefs were solid. Even though they were keeping me from the woman I love. Even though I now knew I would probably stop being friends with Ryan if he truly didn’t have the integrity I’d thought he had.

  As I tromped back down the mountain and back across the trail I’d followed, I felt Old Dan and New Dan come to an agreement and mesh into Permanent Dan. A mix of the two— a Dan less rigid in his routine, more available, a Dan that was easier to befriend. And that was it.

  It was time to go home.

  Corra

  Turns out ol’ Ryan had elastic morals. When I had finished my shower, I dressed and found him and Cay on opposite ends of my couch— Ryan sweating, Cay shaking.

  I knew I wouldn’t get my happily ever after, but maybe there was hope for those two. Maybe Cay didn’t deserve someone as good as Ryan, but she loved him, and he loved her. I could see it in their posture, the glances they darted to each other.

  “Ok, I’m ready,” I said, standing in front of him.

  He looked up at me and shook his head. “McMahone was not an upstanding citizen. He had been under investigation for human trafficking. His wife found out, and that’s why she put the contract on him. She didn’t know how to stop him until someone talked to her about a contract and she took the idea and ran with it. To you, it seems.”

  “I didn’t ask questions. I heard the word, got his information, and shot him—”

  “Between the eyes. I saw. I did not, however, hear your confession or about Cay’s involvement. But Corra, I cannot get wind of any sort of...career goals you aim for,” he said, his face tight.

  Holy fuck a goldfish. He wasn’t taking me in? “And I can’t know about any...past positions you’ve held. In other words, I don’t know anything about your work, or Cay’s work. As far as I’m concerned, your ‘business’ is debt collecting and your hobby is helping abused women overcome their pasts.” He paused, then looked between Cay and me. “And for the love of God, don’t fucking shout it out anywhere.”

  He stood, gave Cay one last look, and walked out. I watched Cay crumble and silently went to her, hugging her tight. “That man loves you, Cay.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she said through her tears.

  “It does matter. He’s committing a crime himself by not reporting what he knows. He’s risking himself. For you. So maybe it doesn’t matter whether you deserve him. Maybe what matters is...he deserves to be happy, and you give that to him.”

  Cay took a shuddering breath. “You don’t get it, Corra. Even if he and I could get through this and somehow find a way to be together, I don’t deserve to have him because I ripped yours away.”

  “So, what, breaking your heart and his is your atonement? Lemme tell you something, you big bag of tiny dicks, you’re not using my situation to martyr yourself. No, you shouldn’t have yelled out that I killed a man, but the bottom line is I killed a man. My choices cost me, Dan. So get the fuck off my couch and chase that man down. Now.” I shoved her off the sofa and pushed her to the door. She glanced back at me, tears still in her eyes, and flipped me off. Then she was gone. And I was left alone. Again.

  *****

&nbs
p; I’d decided after Ryan and Cay left that since I was out of bed and showered, maybe venturing to the land of the living would restart my heart. Or what was left of it. I called Sarah to give her the good news and tell her to stop worrying, I wasn’t going down. She screamed in my ear and sobbed out loud, promising fruit baskets to Ryan for the rest of his life.

  She didn’t even work with fruit baskets.

  Then I called Salty. That conversation was a bit more difficult.

  “So I’m supposed to congratulate you for being a fucking lucky moron? Yay, I guess, for not going to fucking prison, Corra. I wouldn’t have visited anyway,” he said.

  Ouch. “You would have. I know you were only trying to look out for me. You always try to look out for me. But you don’t get it. If I ran, I’d never be able to look myself in the mirror again. And even if a miracle occurred and Dan could forgive me, running would have taken that chance away. I couldn’t...I just couldn’t go,” I said, trying to sound strong and sure.

  I heard Salty draw in a deep breath. “This is why you are never. Supposed. To fall. In love.”

  I chuckled. “You have no idea how right you are. Unfortunately, the old cliché is a cliché for a reason. You can’t stop it because it hits you when you’re not looking, and you can’t help who it happens with. It would be like trying to turn a freight train from Frisco to Arizona on a penny.”

  “Well, fortunately for me, I’m a big mother fucker with superhuman strength.”

  I laughed out loud again. “Oh, Salty, when it happens to you...I bet she’ll be five foot nothing and light as a feather. You and your superhuman strength won’t stand a chance.”

  “Pfft, whatever. Wanna get a drink tonight?”

  All is forgiven. “I’m not up for it yet, but thanks for asking.”

  “Sure thing. Corra?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Even the most honorable of men have weaknesses. You’re Dan’s.”

  Tears welled up again, and I hoped with everything in me that it was true.