The January Stars

by Kate Constable

  Clancy was silent. But maybe Tash was right. Logically, just as Pa and Antonia and Nan had once been young, it was fairly likely (unless there was a tragic accident) that she, Clancy, would be old one day … Old enough to date, anyway.

  Pa shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and sighed. ‘Sp-sp-sp …’

  Clancy reached for his hand, and they sat and watched the birds.

  At eleven o’clock (which felt much later, after their early start), a gong sounded. Everybody dropped whatever they were doing – preparing lunch, gardening, meditating, taking yoga classes – and headed for the big church-like hall by the dam. Bee caught up with Clancy and Tash and Pa and beckoned for them to go in, too.

  ‘Yoga nidra is for everyone,’ she said, eyeing Clancy. ‘Including you.’ She ran her hand over the dark stubble of her head. ‘Jyotimitra’s arranged a lift for you, back to the station at Quoll Creek, in time for the two o’clock train. Just to keep everybody off your back, I told her I’d called your dad, and he’s meeting you at the other end.’

  ‘Is he?’ Clancy’s heart leapt.

  Tash gave her a withering look. ‘Of course he isn’t. How could he get back from New Zealand so fast?’ She said gruffly, ‘Thanks for that, Bee … I mean, Atma. And don’t worry about that ride to the station. Toby’s mums have already offered to drop us off.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ Bee lowered her voice. ‘You realise I’ve lied for you? I don’t feel good about that. It’s bad karma. But …’ She chewed her lip. ‘I don’t want anyone to know I’m here. Not yet, anyway. I don’t want any lectures from the family about quitting my job and blah blah blah. So how about you keep my secret, and I’ll keep yours.’

  ‘Deal,’ said Tash instantly.

  Bee said, ‘So you promise you’ll take Pa straight back to the nursing home?’

  ‘You can trust us,’ said Tash evasively.

  ‘And you’ll be all right on the train?’

  ‘We’ll be fine.’

  ‘You’d better give me a call when you’re back at Polly’s and let me know you’ve arrived safely. Leave a message for me at the front desk.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Good.’ Bee sighed, obviously relieved that they wouldn’t be her problem anymore. ‘Come and do yoga nidra. Everyone loves yoga nidra. It’s the highlight of the day.’

  Clancy shook her head. ‘I can’t do yoga. I don’t bend.’

  Bee laughed. ‘You don’t need to bend. Even Pa can do yoga nidra.’

  Inside the big hall, the ceiling soared and the hall was filled with cool, hushed light. There was no furniture, just an empty carpeted floor and a low platform at the far end. If Clancy had been a little kid, she might have been tempted to spread her arms and zoom around the almost empty space. But because she was technically a high school student now (help!), she copied the adults, and took a yoga mat and a blanket from the neat stacks by the wall. Jyotimitra was sitting cross-legged on the platform in her orange robes, eyes closed, like a teacher waiting for her class to settle down.

  Bee rolled Pa to a corner at the back of the hall and touched her finger to her lips. Huh, thought Clancy. As if Pa would have a problem keeping quiet.

  Clancy stayed near the back too, so she could copy what other people did and not make a fool of herself. Silently each person found a spot, unfurled their mat and lay down. It reminded Clancy of nap time at kinder. Toby gave her a grin and a thumbs-up as he walked past, and Clancy relaxed; if she did mess something up, at least he wouldn’t be able to see her.

  Not that she cared what Toby thought.

  Clancy lay on her back with the rug spread over her, arms by her sides, like everyone else, and gazed up at the ceiling. Fans spun slow and silent overhead. Gradually all the little rustles and creaks and sighs died away, and quiet settled over the hall like snow. Clancy wasn’t sure if she was supposed to close her eyes or not.

  Jyotimitra began to speak.

  Her voice was deep and slow, like thick dark honey, like golden syrup, like gravity. Clancy could feel her heartbeat calming as she listened. She had a sudden flash of memory from when she was very small, of lying in bed at the house at Rosella, listening to a relaxation tape, while baby Bruno cried in the next room. And she knew that it had been Nan who’d played that tape for her and Tash, to help them fall asleep.

  But Jyotimitra was better than the tape. Though there were nearly a hundred people in the hall, Clancy felt that Jyotimitra was speaking just to her. She forgot that she was far from home, forgot that they’d failed to find a new place for Pa to live, forgot the looming terrors of high school, forgot that there wasn’t one thing she was better at than Tash, forgot that her family was scattered over hundreds of miles, forgot her fears and her doubts, forgot that the universe was slowly but surely flying apart. All of that melted away, dissolved in the deep molten flow of Jyotimitra’s words.

  Bringing your attention to the right thumb… the fingers of the right hand… the palm of the right hand… the back of the hand. The forearm… the elbow.

  A heavy, delicious warmth travelled around the whole of Clancy’s body. Her eyes closed, her jaw relaxed.

  Now the voice asked her to focus on the sounds nearby: her own breathing, a muffled sneeze, an insect bumbling against the window glass. Then on the sounds that were further away: a breeze brushing the leaves, a distant bird. Hear the sounds, and let them go. Each small sound wove into the tapestry of the huge, peaceful silence, and merged with it; a tiny star of sound in a vast universe of darkness.

  Clancy floated in the velvet dark. She was safe, and warm, like firelight, like a quilt wrapped around her shoulders, like snuggling into her grandmother’s lap, like sinking into her own bed back home, like soft feathers, like sleep …

  Look up, Clancy. Look up at the sky.

  It was Nan’s comfortable voice, and she could feel the warmth of Nan’s body beside her, standing out on the deck at Rosella in the dark, and she could smell Nan’s lily-of-the-valley perfume. The memory was so suddenly vivid, it burst over her like a firework.

  Like a small steady flame, like a silver moon, like a book fallen open to the right page, like birdsong in her mind, Nan was there.

  See the stars, Clancy? See the moon?

  Clancy floated, held in Nan’s arms, safe and warm and loved, gazing at the sky. And every star shone in its rightful place, the planets looped in their steady orbits, the friendly moon smiled down.

  Everything where it belongs…

  And then, too soon, much too soon, Jyotimitra’s voice thrust itself rudely into a crack in Clancy’s mind.

  ‘Bringing your awareness back to the room. In your own time, allowing your toes and fingers to gently move. In your own time, allowing your eyes to open …’

  Don’t go, Nan! Clancy pleaded silently. Nan! Are we doing the right thing? Is everything going to be okay? Tell me!

  But against her will, her eyes were blinking open. The high, soaring roof of the hall and the spinning fans swam back into focus. Desperately she screwed her eyes shut again, trying to plunge herself back into the welcoming dark.

  But Nan was gone.

  All around, Clancy heard small sighs and rustlings as people shifted and coughed. Someone in the middle of the room was snoring peacefully, fast asleep.

  Jyotimitra said, ‘Please remember to keep mouna, silence, until lunch is over.’

  Slowly Clancy sat up. Her experience had been so real, so vivid, she almost expected to see Nan stretching beside her on the next mat. She took in a big sniff, but no waft of lily-of-the-valley met her nostrils. She pressed her face into her knees to hide hot tears of disappointment.

  All around the hall, people drew themselves into the lotus position, legs crossed, facing Jyotimitra. In unison, everyone chanted, ‘Om – om – om – hari om.’

  Jyotimitra bowed. ‘Hari om tat sat.’

  ‘Hari om tat sat,’ they all murmured.

  There was a moment’s silence and stillness, then all over the hall there was a stirring as p
eople stood up and stretched and gathered their possessions. Clancy rolled up her mat, folded her blanket, and placed them by the wall. A pulse of anger and bitterness beat in her temple. Not fair, not fair! For Nan to come so close, then disappear, without telling her if it was all going to work out – that was cheating!

  But everyone else seemed to be moving around in a dream of bliss. At the back of the hall, she saw Bee, with a serene expression, take the handles of Pa’s wheelchair. Tash was drifting like a sleepwalker, as slowly as Clancy had ever seen her quicksilver sister move. There was Toby, with a solemn, glowing expression, and his two mums with their fingers intertwined, exchanging a private smile.

  Only Pa still seemed unmoved, pulling crossly at his trousers. Would Bee realise that meant he wanted the toilet? Clancy hoped they’d make it in time.

  As she marched out into the too-bright sunshine, a cluster of lorikeets rose as one and scattered overhead, their jewel-bright colours gleaming. But Clancy dropped her head. The sky held no answers for her. She couldn’t believe that Nan had let her down.

  A couple of hours later, they were on the road to Cockatoo Bay, crammed into Jen and Monica’s car. Pa sat in the front seat next to Monica, with Jen and Tash behind them, hemmed in with bags and bedding. Toby had wanted to drive, but with so many passengers on board, his mothers wouldn’t let him. So he’d taken down the L-plates from the front and back windows, and squeezed himself next to Clancy in the cramped seats at the rear. The folded wheelchair just fitted in the narrow luggage space behind them.

  Clancy heard Monica trying to talk to Pa, but it was hard work when she couldn’t turn to see his face or his one-handed gestures. Pa responded to her friendly questions and comments on the view with a grunt or a shrug, and after a while Monica lapsed into silence, and Pa’s head nodded as he drifted into sleep.

  The road wound deep into the forest, dropping down into steep valleys and climbing up hills, twisting and turning through tree-ferns and tall timber.

  Clancy felt guilty that they hadn’t told Bee the truth. Bee had done her best; she deserved better than that. Even though she suspected that Bee wouldn’t have approved of Plan C … Clancy imagined her aunt seeing them now, not obediently climbing on the train back to the city, but heading for the sea. Would Bee be confused, or worried, or angry?

  Clancy contemplated the back of her sister’s head as Tash chatted to Jen about football. She didn’t seem to have thought about Bee at all. Life must be so easy for Tash; she never worried about other people’s feelings. Did she tell herself it was okay to upset people, or let them tell lies for her, if it was for a higher purpose, like Bee said? Or did she not think about it at all? Was that a better way to live? Tash made things happen; she got things done. But if she trampled over people on the way, was it worth it? If it had been left to me, Clancy reminded herself, Pa would still be stuck at The Elms…

  Suddenly Clancy understood a saying that had never made sense to her before, something about the ends justifying the means. That was Tash’s way, to concentrate on the end results and never mind anything else. But Clancy worried so much about the means that she never made it all the way to the ends. She never even made it as far as the beginnings, half the time! Maybe you needed both kinds of people in the world, the Tashes to kidnap Pa from The Elms, and the Clancys to watch out for the signals from Nan that kept them on the right path.

  With a shock, it occurred to Clancy that perhaps she and her sister made a good team.

  All this time, Toby had been listening to something through his earbuds. Now he let out a sudden snort of laughter that made Clancy jump.

  ‘Sorry.’ He yanked out one wire. ‘It’s The Grandfather Paradox.’

  ‘Is that a band?’

  ‘No, it’s a podcast. You don’t know it? Well, the grandfather paradox is a science fiction trope, time travel, you know? Like, if you travel back in time and kill your own grandfather, how could you be born in the first place to go back and kill him?’

  ‘I know what the grandfather paradox is,’ said Clancy.

  ‘Yeah? Are you into spec fic?’

  Clancy struggled with her answer before admitting, ‘Not really.’ But what if she told him, I think I might have actually time travelled, though? Maybe?

  He would think she was insane, that’s what.

  Toby waved a hand. ‘Never mind. This has nothing to do with spec fic anyway. It’s a science podcast about space travel, astronomy, quantum mechanics … pretty nerdy stuff,’ he added hastily, his cheeks flushing pink. ‘But funny.’

  ‘Could I—?’

  ‘Sure!’ He passed her an earbud and they both leaned in toward his phone to listen. Clancy didn’t understand the whole thing, but it was interesting, and she got at least some of the jokes.

  When it was finished, Clancy removed the earbud and said impulsively, ‘Do you ever worry about entropy?’

  ‘Worry about it? No, not really. I mean, it’s just kind of there. You can’t do much about it, can you? It’s a universal law.’

  ‘I think that’s what worries me,’ said Clancy. ‘That eventually everything is just going to fall into ruins, drift apart, disintegrate, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.’

  Toby considered this for a moment. ‘What about gravity?’

  ‘What about it?’

  ‘When planets are forming, and all the random pieces of rock and asteroid and dust and gas are floating around in space, gravity pulls them together, right? They clump together, and that’s how you get planets and moons. Gravity brings them together.’

  ‘So … gravity is the opposite of entropy?’

  ‘Probably not. I reckon it’s more complicated than that. But still.’

  ‘Still,’ agreed Clancy, feeling encouraged. ‘Hey, Toby? I was wondering something. If the universe is infinite, and there are infinite stars, how come the sky at night isn’t totally lit up with starlight? Shouldn’t there be stars shining in every bit of space there is?’

  ‘Ah, Olber’s paradox,’ said Toby at once. ‘But the universe isn’t infinite. There aren’t infinite stars. That’s why the sky isn’t lit up all the time. Hang on, the guys talked about that on the podcast once. I’ll see if I can find it.’

  Clancy found it oddly reassuring to think that there were limits to the universe. She and Toby were talking so intently about space, about podcasts and about videos, that it seemed like no time before Tash sang out, ‘I can see the sea!’

  For most of the year, the coastal towns were sleepy hamlets, almost deserted. But in summer, they exploded with tourists. The traffic was so thick, their car was forced to crawl along at walking speed. Tash fidgeted in her seat. If it hadn’t been for Pa, she would have jumped out. Pa woke up and stared blearily through the window.

  ‘Well, this is a shocker!’ said Monica cheerfully.

  Caravans lined the narrow strip of land between the road and the beach; people draped in towels sauntered along the pavement. The shops overflowed and cars crowded the parking spaces.

  Toby gave Clancy a nudge. ‘The power of attraction. All these people, coming to the beach.’ He banged his fists together. ‘Like a magnet. Like gravity.’

  As someone who wasn’t fond of crowds, Clancy couldn’t help thinking that this particular force was a little too powerful for her liking. The town was bigger than she’d expected, a bewildering jumble of shabby beach shacks and brand new townhouses with stone feature walls and huge windows facing the ocean. The car inched along the streets.

  ‘Which way to your aunt’s place, Tash?’

  Pa gave a sudden cry, and his hand shot out.

  ‘Here?’ Monica slammed on the brakes and they were all thrown forward. Behind them, a horn blared, and someone yelled angrily.

  Pa twisted his head to speak to Tash and Clancy. ‘Sp-sp!’

  ‘Just a bird,’ explained Clancy. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Oh.’ Monica took a breath, and the car rolled forward again.

  ‘Here,’ said Tash abruptly. ‘You c
an let us out here.’

  ‘Is this it?’

  ‘Near enough. We can walk from here.’ Tash fumbled with her seatbelt.

  ‘We’ll drive you in—’

  ‘No driveway!’ said Tash. ‘This is fine. Seriously.’

  Monica pulled over and they all piled out. Jen and Toby helped Pa, groaning and complaining, to shuffle himself clumsily out of the front seat and drop heavily into the wheelchair, which Monica and Tash had unfolded.

  ‘Like a well-oiled machine!’ said Jen, beaming.

  Clancy dug Tash’s pack from the back seat.

  ‘That’s it?’ said Monica. ‘Wow, you guys travel light.’

  Tash fished out her wallet. ‘Here’s some petrol money.’

  Monica’s eyes flashed. ‘Put that away! We don’t want your money.’

  ‘It’s karma.’ Jen lunged for Tash, arms wide for a hug. ‘You can do us a favour one day. Send us tickets to your first professional football game.’

  ‘Deal.’ Tash accepted the hug. ‘Thanks. You guys are the best. Seriously.’

  ‘Tobes?’ said Monica. ‘You want to drive to Liam’s? Or are we dropping you here, too?’

  Clancy looked at the road. She could feel Toby’s eyes on her, but she didn’t dare to look at him. Her face glowed warm. She couldn’t speak. The pause grew longer.

  Then she heard Nan’s voice, just as she’d heard it during yoga nidra that morning. Look up, Clancy. Look up!

  Before she could give herself a chance to think about it, Clancy looked up and her eyes met Toby’s. She found herself smiling at him, and his face dropped into a grin of relief.

  ‘I’ll get out here, too, I reckon,’ he said. ‘I can help these guys with the wheelchair.’

  ‘All right, love.’ Monica gave him a hug.

  Jen hugged him next, and he dragged his sports bag from the car. At the last minute, he took his L-plates, too.

  ‘Hey!’ Jen waved a finger. ‘No driving with Liam. No driving without a licensed person, okay?’

  ‘I’m not an idiot.’ Toby looked offended. ‘But just in case I get the chance – gotta get my hours up.’