by Haley Travis
I carefully read the entire panel of copy again. Each comedian is listed in order, then music by FJM Studios, then the editors, and lastly the station. No mention of the videos at all.
“It’s likely just a mistake,” Claire says quickly as she realizes what we’re staring at. “You said this was put together super fast at the last minute, right?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say quietly, trying to force a smile. “Everyone liked it. That’s what’s important.”
“Maybe this is just a first draft or something,” Becca says brightly.
Although logically I realize that’s possible, my heart has already sunk like a stone. My very first creative project, and my name isn’t in the credits. All of the people in this room who enjoyed my videos, and the way they enhanced the show, don’t know who did them.
I feel incredibly hurt.
Elizabeth nods, frowning like I am, then she shakes her head. “Well, that outright sucks.”
I don’t know why it feels like a sign. The first time I put some of my work into the world, something screws up.
“We’ll wait here if you want to go talk to Felix about it,” Claire says, giving my arm a squeeze.
My mind is instantly flooded with different versions of what I could and should say.
The problem is, every single one of them makes me sound like a whiny brat. Felix has been so wonderful to me that I don’t want him to know how much this stings. And there’s absolutely no way I can keep the anguish from my eyes if I look at him right now.
Even though it might be childish, I feel like I’ve been abandoned somehow. It’s illogical, but the searing hole in my chest is real. It makes me wonder if Felix isn’t nearly as perfect as I’ve been thinking.
There’s definitely a chance that I’ve been wearing giant rose colored glasses.
“No, I can’t,” I swiftly whisper. “Please, can we just leave?”
Sneaking a glance back over my shoulder, the severe looking woman is shaking Felix’s hand and smiling widely. Oliver catches my eye and waves me over, but I shake my head as we rush out of the theater.
Diana drives us all home, and I’m relieved that the girls pick up on my mood and talk about anything other than tonight. She drops me off last.
“Tanis, you’re allowed to feel every single thing you feel,” she says quietly. “You had high hopes that everything would be perfect, and now you’re hurt. It’s okay to feel that.”
“Should this feeling be directed at Felix?” I ask, slipping off my seatbelt so I can turn to her.
“I don’t know,” she says sadly, shaking her head. “I don’t know enough about him, or the two of you together.”
“I feel…betrayed. Wounded. But I know that’s an overreaction.”
Diana sighs. “Feelings are not always logical. They don’t always progress in a straight line. It’s possible that you had your hopes so set on everything being perfect that anything less than that is unacceptable.”
“That’s not fair.”
Her fingers tap on the steering wheel. “Life’s not fair. Feelings aren’t fair. The human mind is a convoluted mess of memories and feelings that tangle us up sometimes.”
Nodding, I grab my purse. “Thanks. And thanks for the ride.”
“You’re welcome. For what it’s worth,” she smiles, “I thought your videos were the highlight of the show. They were both funny, and incredibly beautiful. I hope that you’ll make a thousand more.”
“Thanks.”
I fall into bed with a racing mind and pounding, hollow heart. My phone has three messages and seven texts, but I know if I read them, there’s a chance I’ll be up all night crying.
I know I shouldn’t have just left like that, and I’m upset that I disappointed Felix. But I’m equally upset that he disappointed me.
Even though I’m fully aware that I am being a baby, I can’t help it. I really did want everything to be perfect. I secretly wanted people to see my name and see me as a creative person for the first time ever. Official. Legit.
Now it feels like the gate to that path has been slammed shut right as I am tiptoeing toward it.
CHAPTER TWENTY
~ Felix ~
Everything was absolutely perfect. I quietly took notes during the show, listening to the bits where people laughed the hardest, and gauging their strongest reactions. I also jotted down snippets of the muttering I caught between the head of the TV station and Gretchen, knowing that Tanis would want to hear how much they loved her videos.
Sebastian, the station’s creative advisor, mentioned that he wanted the video artist’s contact info for the intro of a new home and garden show they were developing.
After everyone has finished congratulating each other, I turn around to locate Tanis so that I can introduce her, but she and her friends are gone.
“Dan – did you see where Tanis went?”
“They left about three minutes ago,” Oliver says quietly. “She was staring at the screen, looking a bit freaked out, then they took off in a hurry.”
Racing out to the street, I don’t see them anywhere. They aren’t at the bus stop. If they were on foot, they’d probably stick to the main street, but I can’t see them in either direction.
Walking back into the theater, I quickly leave Tanis a voicemail. “Hey, baby, are you all right? Please can you let me know what happened, or at least that you got home safely? Everyone’s totally thrilled with the show, and people are raving about your work. Please call me as soon as you can.”
Back inside, I quickly make the rounds, thanking everyone profusely for the opportunity and getting everyone’s contact info for future projects, but my mind is elsewhere.
By the time Dan drives us home, I have left two more messages and sent several texts. Usually Tanis is pretty quick about replying to a text, even if she is busy. This evening? Nothing.
It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no way she could’ve missed how much people enjoyed the show. I try to console myself with the thought that if there has been some sort of emergency, or if she is suddenly ill, at least her friends are with her.
Maybe it was some sort of nervous overreaction, and she needed to be alone?
But I can’t ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit in my stomach that I’ve done something wrong.
* * *
The next morning my messages aren't answered, or even read yet. I’m now seriously worried.
Borrowing the van, I grab some sandwiches from an incredible deli, and get to her office right at noon. I know that barging in on a woman at work might be crossing a line, but I’m going to go crazy if I don’t know what happened.
All I can think about is Tanis’ soft smile as she looks up at me, eyes sparkling. The way her soft skin feels under my palm. The way she laughs so easily, her sharp wit dazzling me every single day since I’ve met her.
I walk in the door of her office, and look around to see an open concept space with low walled cubicles spaced out in even rows. Everything is bland and beige, as if they can’t be bothered with trying to impress anyone. It’s easy to spot Tanis directly in the center. Her workspace is tidy, but clearly she’s overloaded.
She looks up at me in alarm, jumping up from her desk.
A man in an ill-fitting gray suit comes toward her, looking concerned. I guess I’m glad that she instantly has backup if some large, strange man walks into the office.
“It’s okay, Kevin,” she says to him. “I’ll be back in three minutes. Smoke break.”
I’m positive Tanis doesn’t smoke. It must be some sort of code. I drop the sandwiches on her desk as she marches outside, leaving me to follow behind her like a lost puppy.
Once we’re around the corner, Tanis turns to me with an expression on her face I’ve never seen before. She’s angry, but also…oh God, the realization is worse than an unexpected punch to the gut.
Those beautiful eyes look absolutely wounded. I’ve never seen anyone so upset, but she’s trying her best to hide it.
“Tanis, did I hurt you? Please, tell me what I’ve done and I’ll fix it. Whatever it is, I’m already sorry.”
She blinks hard, as if she’s trying not to tear up. “Felix, please. It’s a really frantic week here at work, and I have a meeting in a few minutes.”
“Okay. Then just tell me what’s wrong. Please.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not important.”
“You are important. So everything that makes you even the slightest bit upset is important to me. Please, sweetheart. What is it?”
I hate that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me. I want her to be able to tell me anything and everything. For us to have that absolute closeness that I know we’re right on the edge of.
“Everyone loved the show,” I say softly, trying to change angles. “I have some great feedback from the clients, and the head of MicroCity TV absolutely adores your style. You must be happy about having everyone love your first public art project?”
“How will they know it’s mine if my name isn’t in the credits?” she snaps, then claps her hand over her mouth as if trying to cram the words back inside.
This time I swear I actually feel the gut punch, and my jaw drops open. “Oh, my God.”
Tanis blinks, her tears releasing as she wipes them away quickly. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Baby, yes it does. It totally does. I’m so sorry.”
I instinctively go to grab her elbow, but she pulls away. “Tanis, please. It was all such a rush. I was so focused on getting our clips perfect that I didn’t send the new info for the credits.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she mutters, turning away from me. “It’s too late now.”
“It’s not too late. I’ll have them update it before the show goes to air next week.”
“I was technically just working for your company anyway,” she says bitterly, holding her chin up as if she’s desperately fighting off tears again. “This is what I get for finally trying to put myself out there.”
“Baby,” I murmur, as she snatches her hand away from me again. “Everyone loved it. The producer, the station director, the comedians – they all know it was you. I’ll send an email to everyone with your contact info, and maybe you can get more gigs–”
“No. Please. Just…drop it. It’s probably not a good idea for us to work together and date anyway.”
“I disagree. I think we’re fabulous together. I know you’re scared, baby–”
“Don’t tell me how I feel,” she snaps. Her eyes grow huge with a gasp of shock. Then she shakes her head. “I have a meeting. Let me get back to my real work. And – maybe don’t contact me for a few days. I need some space to sort things out.”
“Whatever you want, but Tanis–”
“Just leave me alone,” she says sadly, wiping away a tear before turning on her heel and walking at top speed back into the office.
Although I want to start making the damage control phone calls immediately, I wait until I get back into my studio to contact Gretchen. She’s just as mortified as I am that the video and animation credit was missed.
I email the editors, who say there is plenty of time to add it, since the actual file isn’t being shipped until Friday morning.
Once I’ve done absolutely everything I can to fix this colossal mess, I sit back and stare at the laptop in disbelief. I don’t make mistakes like that. I have a checklist and a routine. Always.
Maybe I’d been so electrified by Tanis in my space, the feeling of her so close beside me, that it had thrown off my usual processes.
How many years have I been in this industry without making a major error? I was certainly due for one. Everyone makes them. But why did it have to be with Tanis, of all people?
I didn’t expect her to think I was perfect. But hopefully perfect for her. I’ve never felt this utterly ashamed in my entire life.
After grabbing another coffee, I make an itemized list of the day’s projects, wondering how I’m going to get through everything.
How can I write upbeat “going to commercial” music when it feels like I’ve stabbed myself in the heart, and my girl doesn’t want to speak to me?
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
~ Tanis ~
After an afternoon of trudging through each minute feeling like I was wearing a knapsack full of concrete, Henry’s confused grin almost makes me smile.
“I missed you ladies last night,” he chuckles, then his expression changes when I don’t laugh in return. “Let me guess,” he says softly, “meeting Diana?”
I turn around to see her standing behind me. To my surprise, she grabs me in a hug. “I know the first few weeks are touch and go, and really strange,” she says gently.
I buy us both a hot chocolate, then we grab a table in the corner as far away from the other patrons as possible. I’m so relieved that she was free tonight. After working until eight, I’m both burnt out as well as freaked out. Thank goodness Kevin gave me tomorrow off to recover.
“Early relationship weirdness,” Diana says with a wry smile. “Tell me everything.”
I quickly share the condensed version of the past week, up until last night.
“It sounds like he absolutely adores you,” Diana says. “But not putting your name on a project seems – odd.”
“Sketchy, right?” I drink the last of the hot chocolate, hoping that the sugar will speed up my mental processes. “Felix is so detailed. He doesn’t make mistakes. He has a whole system in place for this kind of thing. A checklist. So I can’t help but think that he’s sort of swept my work under his company’s name, as if I was just working for him.”
“Would that be so bad?” Diana asks. Then she holds up her hands. “I mean, it’s strange, but I have to ask.”
Nodding to myself, I consider it. Diana has always been the best at seeing things from all angles.
“If he told me about it in advance, I would have been able to wrap my head around it. But not mentioning it at all doesn’t feel right.”
“I think it’s amplified because you’re still nervous about your relationship,” she says gently. “Tanis, you are completely head over heels in love with him already. That part is clear as a bell. Is there any chance that you were hoping that everything would be absolutely perfect? And that now something has gone wrong, it’s bothering you more because deep down you’re scared as hell?”
Even hearing that slight curse coming from Diana’s lips was a bit jarring.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Okay, tell me this: when you pictured yourself with your dream man someday, did you picture someone like Felix?”
I shake my head, then tuck my messy hair back behind my ears. “No. I mean, I’ve always hoped that I would meet a great guy someday, but I didn’t really put a lot of faith in it actually happening. I sort of always assumed I’d end up alone.”
“Oh, sweetheart, why?”
“Because people have always left me alone.” Staring down into my empty mug, I feel strangely hollow. “I guess because I don’t feel like I have an identity yet,” I say, hoping that I’m making sense. “I’ve always wanted to be an artist, and create things for other people to enjoy. Since I’ve never really been able to do that with any success, I’m not an artist, so…”
“You’re not a real person yet.” Diane nods. “You’re wrong, and it’s completely illogical, but I can follow that train of thought. You’re still waiting for something.”
“Something that I wasn’t sure would ever happen,” I admit.
She nods, tapping her mug with her finger as she thinks. “I think your name attached to that show was the symbol that your new life is beginning,” she says carefully. “It’s not just a credit. It’s an emotional beacon. Is the sign that your life has turned a corner, and everything is going to be better now.”
I roll my eyes with a loud exhale. “That sounds like the truth but it’s also so silly.”
Diane laughs lightly, patting my arm. “Look, emotions
are childish. They really are. Especially when you’re juggling a bunch of brand new things at once.”
She looks at me very closely. “Like love. I saw how you two look at each other. You’re already a done deal.”
“But it’s too fast.”
Diana laughs so loudly it makes me jump. “Tanis, I fell in love in a flash. It was ridiculous and crazy and messed up. The left and right side of my brain were at war. But when it comes to love, emotion beats logic. Like it or not.”
“So you don’t think I should be angry with him?”