by Mia Belle
“You’re doing it again,” Lia says with a teasing smile. “Thinking deeply.”
I force a laugh.
“You know you can tell us, man,” Zane says. “Even if it’s always the same thing about your dad.” He shrugs. “I mean, I don’t like talking about the shit in my life, but you’ve never really had a problem with it.”
I keep my focus on the dirty table. “Wasn’t thinking about my dad.”
“Then what?” Lia asks. “If it’s okay to ask.”
“Sure. I don’t want to keep secrets from you.” I reach under the table and pull out a bag. “I told you I bought something for myself, but I really got something for you.”
She stares at me. “For me?”
I pass the bag to Lia. She peeks inside and her eyes slowly meet mine. “The dress?” she asks.
I smile, my face a little warm. “I know you said you didn’t want it, but it was seventy percent off and I wanted to give you something, as a thank you for being my friend, for keeping our secret, for being the amazing person you are.”
Her cheeks are deep red. “Wow. Thanks. First Zane gives me a sketchpad and you buy me a dress.” She shakes her head. “You guys don’t have to give me anything. I love being your friend. And I’d never tell your secret.”
Zane wraps his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close to him. “We know, but everyone loves getting presents, don’t they?”
I don’t know why seeing them that close causes a strange feeling to enter me. It’s not a great feeling and I force it to disappear. And it does, for only a bit, though.
Smiling shyly, Lia slips from under his hold and I catch a look of pain and confusion enter his eyes. It’s then that it hits me—Zane likes Lia. Is that why he’s been drawing more often than usual? I thought it was because of his past, but now I’m starting to understand he has feelings for her.
Lia gets to her feet. “Where to next?” She yanks her phone from her pocket to check the time. “We still have a few hours before…oh, shoot. My dad wants me to come home. He says I’ve been out too long on a school night.” She playfully rolls her eyes. “The downside of having a principal for a dad.”
Zane chuckles. “It’s not just your dad. Julia’s been texting me, too.”
“We’d better go,” I say, leading them out of the mall. As soon as we’re outside, Lia’s head twists from left to right, like she’s searching for someone. I don’t have to guess who. For the past month I’ve been exactly like that, looking over my shoulder to check if I was being followed. I haven’t stopped, but I’m not as OCD about it as I was before. It might not be the best idea to lower my guard, but like I said, I don’t want to hide. To constantly live in fear.
But for Lia, I do look over my shoulder. I need to make sure she’s safe. When we’re certain the coast is clear, we head for our houses.
Chapter Ten
Aidan
I hate having to choose between hanging out with Lia, my brother, and cousin, or with my new friends. But I reassure myself I can always see Lia at school, or at home. I only meet with the guys a few times a week, since they’re busy with football. And I really need this football release or I won’t be able to function.
I’m leaning against a tree in the park. The guys haven’t arrived yet. I glance down at my arms. My puny, skinny arms. I remember how hard I used to work out, how determined I was to stay fit. And now look at me.
What I’d give to be able to play football again, to really play. To be the guy I once was. To have my parents gaze at me with nothing but pride. To have meaning in my life.
“Yo, Armstrong,” a voice calls in the distance.
Lifting my eyes, I spot Burke, Blaze, Emmet and Charlie advancing toward me. A browned-haired guy lingers behind, his hands in his pockets like he’s too lazy to be bothered with anything.
Burke sweeps his hand toward the new guy. “This is J-man. AKA, Josh, but he’s J-man. J, this is Aidan. He’s cool.”
J-man hardly looks at me.
“The football legend we told you about?” Blaze adds. “The one who gave us some pointers.”
That seems to get this guy’s attention because he stands straight and narrows his eyes at me. He rubs his chin. “Okay. Let’s play ball.”
This guy is a little vicious, much more so than his friends. He rams into them as though he’s made of steel. My mind reminds me to be careful, that a knock to my head could have drastic results. But I shove that aside and focus on taking this guy down. He seems to be the best player, but he’s no match for me.
I tackle him to the ground right as he’s about to score a touchdown. Growling, he shoves me off him and stalks to the water fountain for a drink.
“Don’t mind the J-man,” Burke tells me, clapping me on the back. “Dude lost football, same as you. And as you can see, he’s being a real bitch about it.”
“What happened?” I ask.
Blaze comes to stand with us while Emmet and Charlie continue tossing the ball. “Kind of a long story,” he says. “But he’ll never play football again.”
“Injury?” I ask.
They shake their heads. “He used to own the field,” Burk tells me. “Now he owns shit.”
Like me. My eyes trek to where he’s standing near the gates surrounding the park, lightly ramming his fist against the metal.
“He’ll get over it,” Blaze says. “Eventually.”
I wonder if that’s true, because a year has passed since I lost football and I sure as hell am not over it.
“J-man!” Burke calls. “You done crying like a little girl? Can we get back to the game?”
With his back facing us, J-man flips his friend off, and Burke rolls his eyes with a deep chuckle. He mutters some curses under his breath before motioning for me and the others to resume playing.
J-man joins us after a little while, his eyes on mine. They’re hard, ruthless, determined to knock me down. I’ve got no clue what this guy’s beef is with me, but I’m not going down without a fight.
Wait, that’s not true. I know his kind. Because I was just as determined when I used to play. True I wasn’t ruthless and never hurt anyone, but I would do whatever I could to win the game. To help mold my team into the best players we could be.
J lurches toward me, but I bend my body out of the way, careful not to get hurt. He slides on the ground, grass and mud spilling into his mouth.
Burke, Blaze, Emmet, and Charlie howl with laughter, Blaze practically rolling on the ground. I head over to J and stretch out my hand.
He glares at me.
“Come on, man,” I say. “I understand your anger. I’m just like you.”
Scrambling to his feet, he shoves me. “You’re not like me.”
“We both lost football. From what I understand, it was circumstances out of your control.”
J scoffs. “Yeah, they sure as hell were.”
“Want to talk about it?”
His brows nearly reach his hairline. “Are you fucking serious? Why the shit would I want to talk about it?”
His friends chuckle. Burke says, “Remember guys, this is the same dude who wants to have a special girlfriend. Someone to pour his heart out to.”
The rest, including J, laugh, deep and strong.
“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I tell them.
Burke flings his arm over my shoulder. “Maybe, if you’re forty!” He shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re in your prime now, man. It’s your time to live it up. Why settle for just one girl?”
J-man snickers. “I’ve done the girlfriend thing and I won’t do it again. Fucking waste of time and energy.” His eyes grow hard again. “They take advantage. They invent all these lies and screw you over. No, man. No girl is worth the effort. I say screw as many as you can get your hands on, and trust me, I’ve got my hands on loads.” He snorts. “The girls throw themselves at us, right? We’d be doing them a disservice to refuse.”
I don’t realize I’m shaking my head until J and Burke scowl
at me. “What?” Burke says. “You think it’s different for you? You told us girls are all over you. Stop being hung up on that one chick and have some fun, man.”
I’m about to respond, when my phone pings with a text. Digging it out of my jeans, I scan the screen and a smile breaks out on my lips. Lia sent me several pictures of her trying different clothes on. She’s laughing, seeming to have a great time. A pang stabs my stomach. I’m not there.
“What’s that?” Burke asks. “Your chick?”
I shove my phone in my pocket. “Yeah.”
Blaze chuckles as he studies my face. “Man, he has it bad.”
J nods at my phone. “Let’s have a look and see if she’s worth it.”
“How about we get back to the game?”
Burke and J laugh again. “Aw, how sweet,” Burke says. “He’s embarrassed for us to see who it is. Okay, man, have your secrets, but remember what I told you about April. We’ve all been with her and let me tell you, you won’t regret it.”
“I already told you I’m fine,” I say.
Emmet slaps Blaze in the chest. “He’ll be a virgin until he’s thirty.”
Blaze bursts with laughter. “Even older than that!”
Burke shakes his head. “Man, if you’re so hung up on this chick, then make a damn move already.” He rolls his eyes and points his thumb toward J. “I don’t need to hear him bitching about football. And you, Aidan, bitching about the girl who’s ignoring your ass.”
“She’s not ignoring me. She’s just not ready to date.”
“Then what the fuck are you waiting for, man?” Burke says. “For her to decide she wants you?” He shakes his head. “Guys like us don’t wait for girls. Armstrong, Armstrong, you’ve got a lot to learn, my man.” He narrows his eyes, thinking. “Alfonzo Gable is having a party tomorrow. Parents will be out of town. Come with us and we’ll introduce you to the hottest girls at school.”
“But—”
“I know, I know. You want that chick of yours. But what’s the sure way to get this chick’s attention?”
“By making her jealous,” Charlie says.
Burke snaps his fingers. “You bet your ass.”
I hold up my hands. “I don’t want to get her jealous. Guys, just let it go.”
“Fine,” Burke says. “Wait around for that chick, but come to the party anyway.”
“It’s a school night.”
They stare at me like I beamed down from another planet. “What the fuck?” J says. “What are you, twelve? Who the hell cares if it’s a school night?”
“My parents are a little—”
“Holy shit,” J says. “This guy’s as straight forward and lame as they come.” He rolls his eyes. “Haven’t you been to parties before?”
“Of course.” But they don’t know what happened the last time I partied. I got so drunk it almost scared me. I don’t want that to happen again. I promised myself not to get drunk again.
Burke claps me on the back. “We’ll pick you up, man. And believe me, you’ll have the most epic time of your life.”
Chapter Eleven
Lia
I wake up and a feeling of complete loss and hopelessness washes over me. Today will be a difficult day, that’s for sure.
I hardly got any sleep last night. After all the progress I’ve made these past few days—after finally managing to get a decent amount of hours in—I feel like I’m back to when she died. Exactly two months ago. I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Sliding my hands under my bed, I pull out the photo album I took from the living room a few days after she died. I haven’t looked at it, since it was too painful. As much as it hurts now, I feel like I need to look at them. I need to remember the fun times we shared together.
After taking a few deep breaths, I flip to the first page. There’s me as a baby. Mom and Dad are all smiles as they hold me in their arms. Other than my curls, Mom and I look so similar to one another. The same eyes, the same smile. I didn’t smile after she died, and I’m pretty sure I still wouldn’t be to this day, if not for Zane. He was determined to get me to crack one.
I smile some more and cry a bit as I continue flipping through the photo album. I have about an hour before I need to get ready for school, and I use this time to relive the fun moments. To pretend she’s sitting right beside me, just for a little while.
She’d brush my hair out of my eyes, and I’d complain that I hate my curly mop because it’s so messy and unmanageable. She’d bend close to whisper that my hair is beautiful, full of bounce and energy, just like me. She’d tell me she wished she had hair like mine, instead of her boring straight hair.
I lie down, pressing the album to my chest. Tears seep out from the sides of my eyes and I make no move to rid them.
I don’t know how long I lie here with the memories swirling around in my brain before Dad knocks on my door.
“Lia?” he asks. “Are you up yet?”
I glance at the time. Shoot. Less than half an hour to get ready for school. I slide the album under my bed and leap to my closet to find something to wear. Damn. When was the last time we did laundry?
I manage to find a clean shirt and jeans, throw them on, then bound down the stairs and into the kitchen. A smell attacks my nose, one of burned food. When I scan around, I find pancake scraps in the sink and garbage.
Dad smiles sheepishly. “I tried to make Mom’s blueberry pancakes, but…” He gestures around. “I’ve failed. How about some cereal instead?”
“Sounds great.”
We sit at the table and start eating. I keep my gaze on the bowl, as the memories of my childhood with Mom attack my mind. I don’t think they’ve stopped since I woke up this morning. I also don’t want to look at Dad. It’s too painful to sit here in the kitchen, just the two of us. I remember when Mom had the place redone, since the old kitchen was a bit too small.
I feel his eyes on me before he stretches his hand over the table and squeezes mine. I look up and our eyes lock. We don’t have to say a word to each other—we know what the other is thinking.
“Sweetie,” he says, giving me a small smile. “How are you doing?”
“Okay, I guess.”
He nods slowly, his eyes seeming to leave the room, probably thinking about Mom. “If you want to talk…”
“Same with you,” I say. “If you want to talk.”
His smile is strained. “Each day that passes, you grow more and more like her.” He laughs lightly. “She used to always tell me to open up. When we first started dating, I would keep everything inside. I wasn’t used to being with another person, of being so close to someone. Your mother brought out a side of me I didn’t know existed. Do you know she suggested I be a teacher?”
I shake my head, playing with my soggy cereal. “No one told me that.”
“When we were in college, I would tutor our classmates. I’d sit with them for hours until they understood the material. I was majoring in law, but I didn’t really like it.” He laughs. “I used to complain to your mother all the time. She opened my eyes to the possibility of becoming a teacher. I hadn’t even considered it before that moment. I’m not the most well-spoken or social person on the planet, which was why I hesitated. But your mother convinced me. She supported me, pushed me to be the best teacher I could be. Years later, I became principal of Willow Lake High, and I love my job. I really do, and that’s all because of your mother.”
I smile, thinking about the way she pushed me to excel at school. Seeing that proud look on her face made me want to work hard. After she died, I kind of stopped striving to be that excellent student. It’s been getting better, though. Even though she’s gone, I know she’s still around somewhere, still proud of me.
Dad’s grip on my hand tightens. He still wears that strained smile, his eyes pained. It’s selfish of me to think I miss her the most. She was my mom, but she and Dad shared many happy years together. Their love for one another knew no bounds. And then she was taken from h
im. All because of me.
I pull out of his clasp. “Dad, do you…” I hesitate, averting my gaze to the light purple kitchen tablecloth. “Blame me?”
“Blame you?”
I hesitate again, slowing bringing my eyes to his. “I mean, do you blame me and Mom for what happened? You didn’t want me to skip school that day. You guys had a little argument about it.”
Dad tears his gaze away. I think back to two months ago, when my parents were arguing over it during dinner. Mom wanted to spend the day with me, since she’d been working long hours at the bank. Dad, as my principal, didn’t like the idea. He’s very strict about school attendance, specifically when it comes to his own daughter. Dad, never one to grow too angry, left to his room to cool off. Mom smiled at me, telling me he’d eventually calm down and be okay with it. I know he wasn’t cool about the idea, but he couldn’t refuse the two people he loved most in the world.
Dad’s quiet, his eyes on his lap. I wonder if he’s reliving that day same as I am. I’m glad they made up before Mom and I left for the bank, and that their last words to each other were, “Love you.”
“No,” he says after a minute of silence. “Of course I don’t blame either of you for what happened.” He reaches for my hand again. His trembles and I let him squeeze mine for comfort. “She saved your life. We can torture ourselves mulling over how things could have gone differently, but at the end of the day, you’re still with me.” Tears flash in his eyes. “I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you, too.”
He’s causing my own eyes to well up with tears. “I keep replaying it over and over, trying to determine if I could have done something…”
“No,” he chokes out. “Please don’t go there. We can’t change the past, only learn from it.”
“I guess.” I glance at the time. “Crap. School started twenty minutes ago.”