Back for Good

by Heather Mar-Gerrison

  Tom, who had been listening to everything I was saying intently, smiled, “Well, he loves you, doesn’t he?” He said, “It’s obvious.”

  I shook my head, “I hope so.” I said quietly, “Because that’s the way I feel about him.”

  Tom grinned, “You know, Emily said you were gay to me when she first met you. I said you couldn’t be, because you’d have told me. I was so sure you’d confide in me about it. Was I really so awful and homophobic?”

  I sighed and shrugged, “We all were, weren’t we?” I asked, “Calling all the gay guys, fags?”

  He shrugged, “It wasn’t meant nasty.” He said.

  I nodded, “I know that – and I never thought it was nasty until Eduard got all upset when I said it about them to him. He said it was awful to be called names just for being himself.” I sighed, “I totally get his point about it now.”

  Tom nodded, “Well, I’d better be making myself scarce.” He said, “I don’t want to ruin your romantic night.” He flashed a grin, “If you get lucky, remember I want details.”

  I chuckled, “I don’t really think you want details about another guy’s junk, do you?” I asked.

  He pulled a face, “Nah,” he agreed, “Maybe not.”

  I stood up too and we walked to the front door together.

  I opened the door and Tom stepped outside. He turned back to me and opened his arms wide, “I’m so fucking glad you’re okay and that you’ve found someone to love, mate.” He said, “I know that sounds really soppy but I honestly mean it. Eduard’s a lucky man.”

  I stepped into his massive hug and wrapped my arms around him. “Thanks, mate.” I said.

  “Bring him with you tomorrow night, yeah?”

  I nodded, “I’ll ask him to come.” I agreed, “he might not want to, though. Don’t be offended by that – he’s a very shy guy.”

  Tom nodded, “I get it.” He said.

  Pulling away from him again I waved him off and went back inside. What time was it? I glanced at the clock and frowned. Eduard was a little late…

  Chapter 8 – Tom…

  Eduard

  I came out of the house, a bottle of wine that I’d taken my time choosing in my hand and my heart light. I was going to have dinner with the man of my dreams and I could not wait another second to see his beautiful face. It had been a long day at work without seeing him. I closed the door behind me and looked towards Wade’s house.

  I faltered as I saw his door open. My jaw dropped as I saw him embracing the guy that had haunted my nightmares for the last couple of years. Tom. Tom was around at Wade’s house and he was just about lifting him off the ground with a rib-cracking hug. What the fuck was that all about?

  I ducked back into the shadow of the side of the house. I really didn’t want either of them to see me gawping at them. That would just be too humiliating. I’d been kidding myself that Wade could feel any more for me than being mates but it didn’t stop me wishing it with all of my heart.

  Seeing him like that with Tom, though. Well. I couldn’t deny that it hurt. I couldn’t compete with a guy like Tom. I had nothing in common with what those two had shared. I was a pacifist. I couldn’t have gone in the army if my life had depended on it. I was sure…

  I looked up as Tom started to walk down the path. Wade hadn’t hung around on the doorstep to wave him off.

  I started to head over, my light mood from only seconds ago evaporating with every step I took…

  My mind was racing. What was Tom doing back here? How long had he been there? Had they been kissing – or worse, shagging?

  It would be fair to say that I was in a rotten mood by the time I got across the road.

  Chapter 9 – Chilli king…

  Wade

  Just as my nerves were beginning to frazzle to a crisp, the doorbell rang.

  I hurried to the door and opened it. My heart melted as I looked into Eduard’s beautiful eyes. “Hi.” I said.

  He looked at me, his glorious eyes looking dark and guarded. What was the matter with him? “Hi.” He replied flatly.

  I stood back to allow him into the house, wondering what I’d done wrong, even though I knew I’d done nothing to upset him. Maybe he’d just had a bad day…

  He stepped inside and sniffed the air, “Mm,” he said, “Something smells good.”

  I grinned, “I am the chilli king.” I said, “Come on through.”

  We went through to the kitchen, “Want rice with it?’ I asked.

  He nodded, “Sure.” He said, “Anything. I’ve got a couple of crusty rolls back at home if you want me to go back for them?”

  I looked at him and we both nodded, “Go on then.” I said, “Let yourself back in. I’ll get the butter out and serve up.”

  He hesitated in the doorway, “I’m sorry if I’m being weird – but I just saw Tom leaving. Am I stopping you from doing something you’d rather do?”

  He looked crushed and he couldn’t have been farther from the truth. I wanted nothing more than to spend the evening with him. I shook my head, “He and the guys are back for a few days – they want me to go out with them for a few drinks tomorrow night – you’re invited too if you want to come.” I looked at him hopefully.

  He looked horrified at the thought, “I dunno, mate,” he hedged looking as if it was the last thing in the world he wanted to do, “I don’t know them and I’m not really…” he trailed off, “I’ll just go and get the bread.”

  Feeling a little disappointed that Eduard didn’t want to come with me for a drink with the boys, I set to work as he dashed back across the street. I served up two generous portions of the chilli and took them through to the lounge, next I grabbed the butter and a knife, I shoved the bottle of wine under my arm and went back through the lounge. I was well impressed with myself for not dropping anything or going arse over tit with my dodgy leg.

  I settled myself down on the sofa and unscrewed the bottle. I had no idea if it was supposed to breathe but I figured it wouldn’t be open long enough to ruin before we were drinking it.

  Seconds later, Ed reappeared. He held up the crusty rolls, “There’s four.” He said, “So dig in.”

  We spent the next twenty minutes in pretty much silence as we devoured the chilli and the rolls.

  Finally, Ed put his empty plate back down on the coffee table with a satisfied sigh, “That was fucking fantastic.” He said.

  I felt my chest puffing up with pride that I was able to provide a decent meal for my best friend. “It was good, wasn’t it?” I asked, “Made better by the crusty rolls, though. Genius idea, mate.”

  He shrugged, flashing me a shy smile. “Shall I pour the wine?”

  I nodded, “Yeah, great,” I agreed enthusiastically, “and then what? Teen Wolf again, or X-Box.”

  He smiled, “Either. I’m not fussy.”

  Me either. I flicked the TV on and went to sit next to him on the sofa.

  He settled himself back against the cushions and yawned, “God, I’ve done virtually nothing all week – and yet I’m knackered.” He chuckled.

  I grinned at him, “Put your feet up over here.” I said.

  He did, planting them right in my lap. I chuckled and then took one in my hands and started giving him a foot massage.

  He closed his eyes, and I’m not gonna lie, I sat there, massaging his feet and gazing at him like a love-struck teenager. I had the biggest hard on. It felt well weird and I had no idea how to tell him the way I was feeling. I might have been able to tell Tom that I was in love with my best friend but actually admitting it to him – admitting that touching his feet was giving me a boner to be proud of – it was just a bit of a step too far right now. I couldn’t do it.

  Feeling a little bit like things were taking a turn that I didn’t know how to handle, I picked up the X Box controller, “Fancy a game?”

  He opened his eyes and nodded, “Yeah,” he said, “Sure.”

  Chapter 10 – Wedding invitation…

  Eduard

/>   I had no idea how to broach the subject about being insanely jealous over seeing Tom here talking to him; and I really didn’t want to talk about going out for drinks with them all again, either, so I cast around for something else to say. Finally, it hit me. Franz had told me to invite him as my plus one…

  “I’m giving Franz away next weekend.” I said as conversationally as I could manage as I watched my avatar being blown to bits by Wade’s. He was so much better at this game than I was…

  “Oh, yeah?” he asked, “Sounds cool.”

  I pulled a face, “Yeah,” I said, “I suppose – if you like gay weddings.”

  He looked at me with a bit of a puzzled frown, “You’re gay.” He said, “So why wouldn’t you?”

  I shrugged, “Yes. I know I’m gay.” I said a little defensively, “As in, I fancy men but I’m not gay in the same way as my brother is.” I said. “I don’t relate one iota to the rainbows and Unicorns world that Franz and his friends live in.”

  Wade grinned, “Yeah,” he said, “I get it. The fags in the army were like that.”

  I frowned, “Please don’t say that.” I said quietly, “I never realised how awful it was to be called a faggot until you referred to me as one. I’d been calling poor little Franz name for years.”

  Wade looked stricken, “I’m sorry, mate.” He said, “I didn’t mean to offend you. I just didn’t think.”

  I sniffed and nodded, “It’s fine.” I said, “Do you wanna come with me to the wedding? See what real faggots do for kicks?”

  He grinned, “As your date?” he asked, “Sure.”

  I felt my face heating up. I didn’t want him thinking I still held out hope of us getting together, even though I totally did, “No. Just as my mate.” I assured him quickly.

  He nodded, “Oh, right. Sure.” He agreed, making my heart spike at the thought that I was going to have the hottest date there. “Sounds like fun.”

  Wade

  “Just as my mate.” My heart sank to my boots at his words.

  I nodded, the smile feeling a little fixed on my face. “Sounds like fun.” I said. Fuck. If I wasn’t mortally offending him, I was trying to awkwardly flirt. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just come out and be honest with him – that actually I was beginning to realise that he was becoming more than just a friend to me and that the crush I’d had on him all those years ago had never really disappeared. It had actually developed into something so much more – a very definite longing that wouldn’t go away, no matter what I did.

  I was just at a loss as to where to start with my explaining. How was I supposed to broach the subject?

  Maybe I should wait for the wedding. Maybe it would be easier to tell him when we’d had a few drinks and he was feeling all mellow, having watched his brother get married to the love of his life.

  I was actually quite looking forward to seeing it myself. I’d never been to a gay wedding before.

  Still, I had a more pressing matter. I wanted him to come out with me and the boys, tomorrow evening. How was I ever going to convince him to come with me? I’d seen that look on his face. He was really threatened by Tom.

  “So, are you uh, gonna come out with me and the lads tomorrow?”

  He frowned. He didn’t look up at me. He looked at his glass of wine as he chose his words carefully, “I’m uh, working late tomorrow. I’ll probably be tired and not particularly good company. You’d be better to go with your friends alone. Besides, I don’t know any of them.”

  Well, that told me to fuck off, didn’t it? “Okay.” I said with what I hoped was a carefree attitude. “I guess I’ll see you on Saturday, then. For your brother’s wedding.

  He nodded.

  *

  It’s funny how things work out, isn’t it? Tom and the guys all turned up, dying to go out and let their hair down. Since I still wasn’t up for walking miles with Petey, we got a taxi into town.

  The taxi pulled up right opposite the office block that Eduard worked at – and guess who was coming out at the exact right time?

  “Eduard!” I yelled, waving at him from the other side of the road, “Eduard!”

  I saw the look on his face. He looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. Fear. He really didn’t want to come over but I’d drawn attention to him – my bad – and he had no choice.

  He crossed the road and came over to me, “Hi.” He said, “Off for a night on the tiles?” He forced a grin.

  Tom slapped him on the back, “Surely you’re coming with us, mate?” he asked in a friendly manner.

  I watched Eduard stiffen slightly. Christ. He really didn’t like Tom, did he? He plastered on a fake smile and I watched him steel himself before he answered, “Sure,” he agreed, “I’ll come for a swift half.”

  I beamed at him. I knew he wasn’t a massively sociable kind of guy and he was really pushing himself to do this for me, “Great.” I said, “Let’s go to Macey’s.”

  Macey’s was a nice place. Intimate enough for couples but big enough to accommodate the five of us. We weren’t your usual squaddies that got roaring drunk and stupidly loud. Well, we totally were, but I wasn’t about to get roaring drunk. It was hard enough to balance on Petey as it was and I wasn’t supposed to drink too much with my pain killers that I still had to take every day.

  Tom got us all a round in while we went to find a booth. I made sure to get Eduard to sit down before me, using the excuse that I needed to be at the edge because of Petey – but really, I just didn’t want him escaping on me before I was ready to let him go. Call me selfish by all means…

  As it turned out, he needed to pee before me and we ended up swapping places anyway.

  The drinks flowed and I got a little mellow. The guys were full of stories about all the things they were still doing out in Afghanistan and I thought I’d be jealous – but I found to my surprise that I actually wasn’t jealous in the slightest. Something else was more important to me now – and that something was Eduard.

  Tom was relaying some story about two guys being court marshalled for some misdemeanour or other and I was laughing hard. As good a time as I was having, I couldn’t deny that my back was aching quite badly.

  “Are you okay?” Eduard asked quietly, not wishing to attract attention to my discomfort.

  I nodded, “Yeah,” I said, “It’s just my back giving me a bit of gyp.”

  “Lean on me.” He offered, “I don’t mind.”

  No, of course he didn’t, because he was the most thoughtful, wonderful human being on the planet. I moved a little closer to Eduard, who put his arm around me to give me a little more support. I leaned against him.

  Tom, who hadn’t missed a beat with his story, grinned at me from across the table. It hadn’t escaped his attention that Eduard was now sitting with his arm around my back, or that I was snuggled into his side but neither did he attract attention to it and I was grateful for that. Not for myself – I couldn’t give a shit if they all knew I had feelings for my best friend – no, I was just concerned that Eduard might be embarrassed.

  Tom got up, “I need to pee.” He announced, “Back later.”

  Rory and Geoff both got up at the same time, “I’m gonna play on the slots.” Rory announced as he got up, “Get us another pint, mate.”

  Geoff headed off to the bar to get more drinks.

  “And then there were two.” I murmured.

  My dick, which had twitched when Eduard slid his arm around my back was now throbbing and hard as steel in my boxers. I couldn’t have got up even if I wanted to with that going on. What the hell?

  Eduard sighed, “I don’t belong here.” He said, “I love being with you, don’t get me wrong – but I don’t fit in with your friends.”

  I blinked, “I’m not bothered by that,’ I said, “you fit in with me perfectly and that’s what matters to me.”

  Eduard looked back at me, it was hard to work out what he was thinking as he gazed back at me. “I have to go.” He said, “I’m s
orry. I’m just not good company right now.”

  Fuck. What had I said? Was he angry with me? “What are you talking about?” I asked, bewildered.

  He shook his head, “I’m sorry.” He said, running his hand through his hair, “It’s nothing you’ve done, I promise – I’m just… I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

  He got up and looked back at me, “I’m really sorry.”

  He shot off towards the door. My back was killing me and my leg was aching. I couldn’t have got up and followed him in that moment if my life depended on it – and he probably knew it, too. He knew he could escape.

  I got out my phone and sent him a text, “Call me.”

  *

  Eduard

  I had one thing on my mind and that was to put as much distance between Wade and Tom and his other friends and myself as it was possible to do.

  Just as I was nearing the doors, however, someone shouted me.

  “Hey! Where are you sneaking off to?”

  It was Tom. I turned, surprised that he wasn’t happy that I was leaving. As far as I could tell, he’d been doing everything in his power all evening to keep Wade’s attention away from me.