The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  “Well, I can assure you that Jews cannot be trusted. You’ll learn more when you join the Bund.”

  “I’ve heard that you spend a lot of time learning Nazi doctrine in the Bund. Is it true?”

  “You mean all the stuff we learn about being perfect Aryan wives?”

  “Yes, all of that,” Gretchen said, “What is the doctrine, for instance?”

  “It’s nothing strange.”

  “Just give me an idea,” Gretchen persisted.

  “They stress being good wives and mothers. The more children pure German girls have for the Reich, the better. They want us to be devoted to our families and Hitler. That’s really all there is to it. And, of course, they warn us about the Jews because they want us to stay safe. After all, the Jewish bankers brought our country to her knees in the Great War. After what the Jews did to us, we would never have been able to rise again if it weren’t for our führer.”

  “I am not sure what you mean about the Jews and the war. My father was in the war,” Gretchen said.

  “Let’s not get all bogged down with politics. The leaders make it fun. It’s not like school or anything. Besides, when you see the boys in the Hitler Youth you’ll want to be the perfect Aryan girl, so you can marry one of them. When the Bund and the Hitler Youth join together and have a dance, you will see all the handsome boys dressed up. You’ll see German men at their best. And all I can say is, you’ll be proud of your heritage and excited to learn more of our doctrine.”

  At seventeen, Gretchen was more interested in the boys than she was in the cookouts and camping.

  I am telling you that the boys in the Hitler Youth are so handsome you won’t be thinking of much else. The Hitler Youth makes sure that the boys get plenty of exercise and fresh air. And it pays off. What good-looking men they are. Aryan men are the most handsome men in the world. They are superior, after all.”

  “All right. All right.” Gretchen giggled.

  “So you’ll join?”

  “I’ll join.” Gretchen shrugged her shoulders and smiled.

  “Well, then, let’s get you subscribed to the Mädelschaft.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s the magazine for girls in the BDM. It’s a wonderful publication filled with all kinds of lovely ideas that can help a girl be a good German housewife. There are recipes and all sorts of fun ideas. You’ll enjoy it.”

  “The BDM?”

  “Yes, silly, the Bund. Everyone calls it that.”

  “Then let’s go and get me subscribed. I just can’t wait to read another recipe book.”

  “Stop it, Gretchen; you’re being sarcastic!”

  “I guess I am.”

  “I am telling you that you are going to love this group. We’ll have so much fun that in a few months you will be thanking me. By the way, in the summer they say we will all be able to go to a wonderful summer camp, all expenses paid. And maybe next winter we can all go skiing. Again, all expenses will be paid. Just imagine, you and I getting away from our parents’ watchful eyes for several weeks. Now that has to sound like fun.”

  “Yes. I’ll admit that it does.” Gretchen gave her friend a big smile. “But what about work? Will the factory let us go to summer camp and on skiing holiday without firing us?”

  “Of course. They have to. They have no choice. They must show their allegiance to the führer, right?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  The girls in the BDM wore pretty, little, white smocks that showed off their young figures, especially their shapely legs. When Gretchen tried her uniform on, she didn’t feel like she fit in. Except for Hilde, she felt the other girls were all prettier than she was.

  “You look adorable,” Hilde said.

  “I don’t think so,” Gretchen frowned. “I look dumpy. I’m too skinny, and I have no figure.”

  “You do not. You’re tall, and slender, and lovely.”

  Gretchen studied herself in the mirror, less than pleased. She glanced outside the window at a group of girls lined up to take a hike together. She caught a glimpse of a tall, blonde girl with the brightest blue eyes Gretchen had ever seen. It made her want to quit and go home.

  “Look at that one,” Gretchen said.

  “Oh, yes, of course. That’s Thea, Hilde said. “Everyone considers her to be the prettiest girl in the BDM.”

  “She’s beautiful.”

  “I know. Everyone wants to be her friend, and all the boys want to take her out.”

  “What’s she like?”

  “Vain. She thinks she is better than the rest of us.”

  “You don’t like her, do you?”

  “Not really, no. I’ve tried to befriend her, but she wants no part of me.”

  They watched Thea straighten her uniform and put her long blonde hair into a ponytail.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  The next meeting of the Bund was on the following Saturday afternoon. The girls changed into their uniforms in the school locker room and then met outside on the field.

  They had formed small groups by the time Thea arrived. Everyone wanted Thea to join her group.

  “Hello, Thea!” someone yelled as Thea walked onto the field, the bright sunlight illuminating her hair. “Come and join us.”

  “No, Thea, come join us,” another girl called.

  Thea smiled at both of the girls, but she didn’t join either group. Instead, she walked over to the fence at the side of the field and waited alone for the Bund leader to arrive. Thea knew the leader would place her in a group.

  She leaned against the fence and stretched her long, shapely legs. Thea knew she was pretty. Every day, no matter where she went, people told her how attractive she was. Many of the boys asked Thea out, but she refused them. She had her sights set on only one boy. His name was Hann Meier, and he was as handsome as she was beautiful. When the two were together, they looked like a poster for the perfect Aryan couple.

  The leader arrived, and she sent several girls to set up the gymnastic equipment and then assigned Thea to a group. The activities began. The girls walked the balance beam and practiced their high jumps. Not only was Thea a beauty, but she was a wonderful athlete as well.

  Even though Gretchen was sporty, she still felt out of place. Hilde introduced her to everyone, but the other girls seemed to have established bonds, and being new, Gretchen felt left out. It was easy to see there was a hierarchy. Blondes, with light-wheat-colored hair, were considered the top of the line. Gretchen, with her strawberry-blonde hair and freckles, felt a little unattractive. Hilde had brown hair, and she wasn’t nearly as nice looking as Gretchen, but Hilde seemed to be accepted by the others. As the day wore on, Gretchen began to feel more comfortable, and as she relaxed, the others began to warm up to her. By the end of the day, Gretchen decided that she liked the group.

  The leader set the girls up to run a mile race, and Thea immediately took the lead. Her legs were long and muscular, and she looked like a beautiful animal when she ran—something gorgeous and blonde, perhaps a lioness. Gretchen was athletic but she didn’t excel at running, so she admired Thea’s grace and speed.

  Thea was several yards in front of everyone when Judith, one of the clumsier girls, tripped and twisted her ankle, letting out a scream. The other girls turned to see what happened but kept running. The only one who turned around and gave up her lead was Thea. Thea ran to Judith and carefully lifted the heavy girl, helping her to the sideline.

  “Did you see that?” Gretchen asked Hilde after the race was over. “If Thea would not have turned back to help Judith, she would have won.”

  “I know. Thea’s done things like that before. She’s a fool if you ask me,” Hilde said.

  “She is, but she is so kind.”

  “That’s why she’s a fool,” Hilde said. “Kindness is a weakness. Don’t you know that?”

  Gretchen shrugged. She wasn’t sure how to answer.

  On Monday, after school, Gretchen went into work. When they took their meal break, Hilde t
old Gretchen all the gossip about every girl in the Bund. Judith was sickly; Anna had pimples on her back, and Marlene had a reputation for being very promiscuous. It seemed that Hilde knew something private about everyone except Thea. All Hilde said about Thea was that she and a boy named Hann Meier were seen together quite often. Everyone thought Thea and Hann would become engaged as soon as they finished school.

  “I’m a little jealous. He is so handsome,” Hilde said. “Some girls get everything. You know what I mean? Looks, the right boys, everything . . .”

  “You’ll meet someone nice. You’ll see,” Gretchen said.

  “Have you ever secretly wished that you could be someone else?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, have you ever wanted to trade everything about yourself and replace it with another person’s qualities? I guess what I am saying is that I wish I were Thea instead of me.”

  “Oh, Hilde, don’t feel that way. You are a wonderful person,” Gretchen said. “You’re very pretty in your own right.”

  “You know you’re lying,” Hilde said. “No one could honestly call me pretty.”

  Gretchen didn’t know how to answer, so she said nothing.

  On Tuesday evening, Gretchen was to attend her third Bund at the home of one of the other BDM members.

  “Come to my flat before the meeting. We can get dressed together. My parents are always out; they’re never home,” Hilde said. “My father doesn’t always come right home after work, if you know what I mean. Sometimes he’s gone for days at a time. He’s had girlfriends for as long as I can remember. And my mutti? Now she’s a real case. She’ll probably be at the neighbor’s flat, drinking and complaining about my father. But if for some crazy reason she happens to be home, chances are she’ll be drunk and asleep. So no one will disturb us while we’re getting ready. I live only a few streets away from Anna’s flat where they are holding the meeting. Once we’re ready, we can quickly walk over together. By the way, don’t eat. We always have a cooking class on Tuesday, so we will both have a nice meal.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes!”

  “I’ll have to prepare something that I can leave for my father’s evening meal before I go out. He’s terrible at taking care of himself, but it won’t take me long. I am pretty good at throwing something together quickly after work. Once I’ve made his dinner, I’ll come over. I’ll bring all my things and get dressed at your place.”

  “That will be perfect. And by the way, I have a surprise. I have a tube of red lipstick. I’ll let you try it.”

  “You do? How did you get it?”

  “Never mind how I got it. I have it! Anyway, stop asking so many questions. Do you want to try it on or not? It’s a wonderful shade of red that will look just gorgeous on you.” Hilde said, winking at Gretchen.

  “Of course, I want to try it,” Gretchen said.

  “Then make sure you put your father’s dinner together quickly and come over to my flat just as soon as you can.”

  “I will.”

  Gretchen made a stew that was mostly potatoes and carrots with a little broth. She left a note on the table for her father explaining where she was going, packed a small bag, and left.

  Hilde and Gretchen got dressed quickly. Hilde pulled out the coveted tube of lipstick, and with a smile, she handed it to Gretchen.

  “Here. Try it on.”

  Gretchen carefully applied the lipstick. “This is so pretty,” Gretchen said. “I feel so glamorous—like a movie star.”

  “I know. Don’t you? I just love it too.”

  Both girls stared at themselves in the mirror, then they broke out into giggles.

  “We can’t wear this red lipstick to the meeting, or we’ll get in trouble,” Hilde said. They blotted the lipstick until it was barely visible, so they would not be forced to wash it off entirely.

  Once they were both ready, they left Hilde’s flat to walk to Anna’s house. On the way, they talked about the boys they knew from work, giggling conspiratorially. When they arrived at Anna’s, all the girls from the Bund were there. They were planning to prepare a meal together. Surprisingly, there were plenty of eggs to go around and enough sugar to bake a luscious cake. They were told to pair up with another girl and given plenty of cooking instructions. Hilde and Gretchen paired up. When everyone was ready, Frau Lundschmidt, the group leader, turned to Thea and said, “Thea, if anyone needs help, would you please help her?”

  “Of course, Frau Lundschmidt,” Thea said. “I would be happy to help.”

  “Can you believe Frau Lundschmidt asked Thea to help everyone? Is there anything that Thea isn’t perfect at?” Hilde whispered in Gretchen’s ear.

  “I’m sure there is something. No one is perfect at everything,” Gretchen said trying to comfort her friend.

  ‘Well, I sure wish I knew what it was. Then I would not feel as defective as I do,” Hilde moaned.

  Even though she was on a team with another girl, Thea made sure to go around the room and help others several times.

  After they finished eating, all the girls sat around the table with full bellies, sipping coffee, and talking about the importance of being a good German wife and mother.

  “She must be virtuous, strong, and able to stand behind her husband. She should be modest, and a woman that all can admire,” Frau Lundschmidt said. The girls nodded in agreement. “Look at Thea. She is the perfect example of an Aryan girl. She’s beautiful, virtuous, and capable. She will make some man the perfect wife. Now, let’s all thank her for her help today.”

  “Thank you, Thea,” they said in singsong unison.

  Next, the leader went around the table and asked each girl to tell a story about something that had happened to her the previous week.

  At the end of the meeting, the girls sang a song written by a man Gretchen didn’t know. His name was Horst Wessel. Gretchen sat silently because she didn’t know the words. . But things happened so fast that once the girls finished singing, Hilde whispered in Gretchen’s ear, “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you the song tomorrow at work so you’ll know it by the next meeting.”

  Gretchen gave Hilde a quick, uneasy smile. Then all the girls were hugging each other and saying goodbye.

  As they walked home, Hilde and Gretchen talked about the meeting. The sun had set, and the temperature dropped. It was getting chilly, and Gretchen pulled her sweater tighter around her body.

  “So what did you think of the meeting?” Hilde asked.

  “It was fun. The food was wonderful. I couldn’t believe how much there was. I have never had an omelet made from two eggs before. And that cake …” Gretchen said.

  “It was delicious, right?”

  “Yes, it certainly was.”

  “You know, once the führer restores Germany to her rightful place in the world and gets rid of all the undesirables, like the Jews and the Gypsies, there will be plenty of everything left for the rest of us. No more rationing. Won’t that be nice?”

  Gretchen nodded. “If tonight’s dinner is any indication of the future then yes, it will be very nice.”

  They walked for another block in silence. A soft wind rustled the trees, and although she said nothing, Gretchen wondered what Hitler planned to do with all the people he had deemed undesirable.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  The first time Hilde saw Thea and Hann walking together holding hands, she felt as if the world had stopped. The green of the trees was a little less vibrant, the colors of the flowers were not nearly as lovely, and although it was late spring, she felt as frozen as if it were the middle of winter. She first saw them on a Saturday. Hilde was on her way to the market when she saw Thea and Hann directly across the street. Thea saw Hilde too, and called out, “Hello there, Hilde!”

  Hilde stared directly at Thea and forced the biggest smile she could muster.

  “Hello, Thea!” But even as she tried to be friendly, her heart was black with jealousy. If only she could be as beautiful and as popular
as Thea. If only she had a boyfriend who was handsome and popular like Hann. Then she too could be the envy of every girl in the Bund. Thea was everything Hilde always wanted to be. It wasn’t that Hilde didn’t have friends—she did—but Hilde was not popular the way Thea was. No one admired Hilde or treated her like she was something special. Then again, she knew she wasn’t special. Hilde was not a leader; she was a follower in every way. She joined the BDM and became a staunch supporter of the Nazi cause because it was the accepted thing to do. Her hair and clothes were always copies of the most popular styles. And although she never told anyone, she always knew that she wasn’t pretty. When she looked in the mirror, she saw an average-looking girl with mousy brown hair and a strained smile. She felt most comfortable with girls who were not beautiful either—average girls who lacked the spark Thea had from birth. That was, of course, except for Gretchen. Gretchen had a way of making Hilde feel like she too was beautiful and Hilde loved her for it. Hilde was too ashamed of her feelings to share them with anyone, not even her best friend, Gretchen. She secretly wished that if she couldn’t be just like Thea, then she’d like to find a way to destroy her. But of course, that was impossible. Thea was the brightest star in their group of girls and it seemed to Hilde that Thea had everyone’s admiration.

  The next meeting of the Bund was at Thea’s house. Hilde was shocked to find that Thea’s mother was as pretty and charming as her daughter. She was a perfect hostess, not crude and fat like Hilde’s mother who drank too much, belched, and often embarrassed her. The girls baked a raisin and vinegar strudel. Once it was baked, each girl took a slice and sat around a wooden table discussing the importance of Nazi holidays. They spoke with enthusiasm of all the different celebrations, each girl eager to please Frau Lundschmidt.

  “When I get married and have children,” one of the girls said, “I am going to make sure that my children know the importance of all the holidays. We will celebrate Tag der Arbeit, Labor Day, and of course, we will have a special celebration for Erntedankfest, the harvest festival.”