A Different Kind of Happy

by Rachaele Hambleton

  Thursday

  I got a job! My first job in over fifteen years!

  I called into the café again this morning and Jen was behind the counter with Lou. I could see she had a stupid smile on her face, and when I said ‘Whattttt?’, with a bit of anxiety in my throat, she told me she had come up with a genius plan: Lou needs help in the mornings; she can be there to oversee and guide someone but due to her injury can’t actually do a lot physically in the café, whereas I can.

  I felt sick saying yes – I think it was a happy sick, a kind of nervous sick, but not a bad sick. With the kids now at school this is the perfect opportunity for me to do something for myself and I’m really looking forward to it! This has made me see that as much as I don’t have the qualifications to work a demanding career, I can get a little job to tide me over, give me some spending money and a bit of independence – something I haven’t had for such a long time.

  Friday

  Today was shit.

  Jamie was home when Laura dropped the kids off, but in hindsight I’m not sure if it was worse that he was here. For some reason she seemed to be in a furious mood and she told him he was a shit father, in front of the kids on the doorstep. I was listening from the kitchen and my stomach was doing flips. She then said to Will, ‘Why don’t you ask your dad why he couldn’t move here for us six years ago, yet now he’s done it for three kids that aren’t his?’

  I saw Will bow his head and then I heard Jamie snap back at her, telling her she was being unfair and that it was uncalled for saying that to Will. Laura began shouting louder, saying he was a useless twat, and I could see both kids stood in the driveway, holding their bags like little rabbits in headlights. I felt so sick. I hated confrontation – it wasn’t something I had ever been good at – but I couldn’t let the kids listen to her spew any more hatred, so I opened the front door, acting like I was walking out to a scene from The Waltons and beamed, ‘Hey kids, come in. Dinner’s almost ready.’

  Laura really lost it then. ‘Oh, here she is, Little Miss Perfect. Parading around like she’s got the perfect life when in reality she’s nothing but a whore!’

  I ignored her, as hard as it was not to scream back telling her to stop being a nasty bitch. Instead I ushered the kids inside and closed the door on the two other adults. I could feel tears stinging my eyes and a lump in my throat, and I could see Will and Ruby looking up at me for a reaction, any kind of reaction.

  I smiled at them and shouted to Belle and Art to come down the stairs, and told them to take Ruby and Will up to play.

  Belle saw my face and said, ‘You OK, Mum? What’s happened?’

  I told her I was fine, but she wouldn’t leave it and carried on saying, ‘You’re not. You’re crying. What’s happened?’ Ruby was stood next to her, biting her lip and looking down at the kitchen tiles. I was feeling every emotion possible and I could feel my neck and chest burning where patches of my skin had turned scarlet, which they always did when I was anxious or upset.

  My heart just ached that two innocent kids had witnessed something they shouldn’t have. I was seething that their mother thought she could turn up at my home and abuse me, and I was so devastated that this was how it now was – conflict and hatred between us. We were adults who should be focusing on the children’s needs, not dragging up old baggage and making relationship problems seem simpler than they were.

  I almost begged Belle to take Ruby upstairs in my firmest voice as the row outside the house between Jamie and Laura was continuing and the vile language pouring out of Laura’s mouth was worsening.

  I was conscious Will’s room overlooked the drive and he would no doubt hear what was being said, but I also realised that this wasn’t OK and I snapped. I opened the front door, and calmly said, ‘Jamie, inside’. He looked at me like he was in actual pain at what was happening. By now Laura was in a total state. She was crying so hard she was choking on her tears, and she kept saying ‘Don’t Jamie. Don’t walk away from me!’

  Part of me wanted to bring her in for a cup of tea to calm her down and the other part wanted to scream at her to never come near us again.

  As Jamie was walking up the drive towards the house, she started screaming, a high-pitched, out of control scream. She then started hitting herself on the sides of her head. Slapping one minute and with a clenched fist the next.

  Jamie turned around to go back to her, and I repeated, ‘Jamie. In. Now.’ I had no fucking clue what was going on. I know she’s had problems in the past but I had no idea that her mental health was still so bad.

  He came into the house and just shook his head repeatedly, like he was in shock. Meanwhile Laura was now holding her hand on her car horn while shouting all sorts of obscenities. Belle came to the top of the stairs and shouted, ‘Mum. What the fuck is going on?’, and I shouted at her to mind her language. The irony. She went back to her room and began blasting Little Mix and I heard thuds from dancing come through the ceiling where she was clearly trying her best to stop Ruby hearing her mum having a full breakdown on our drive.

  ‘She’s doing it again, on our driveway, in front of the kids,’ I heard Jamie on the phone, but I had no idea who he was talking to. I was worried it was the police; even though Laura was behaving badly, I didn’t want to get her into trouble.

  ‘Pete, please just come over or I’ll have to call the police and I really don’t want the kids to see that,’ Jamie said firmly, and I knew then who he was talking to. Pete was Laura’s dad.

  I feel devastated.

  I didn’t go to bed until 3am.

  By the time Laura’s dad came over to get her, she had already left, and so he came in and spoke with Jamie and me for over an hour. It turns out that they cover most of the childcare for Laura now and have done for quite some time. Until we moved here, the kids stayed with them most of the time rather than at Laura’s, and Laura ‘flits in and out’ when it suits. Pete’s mum died last year, she had a huge estate and left it to Pete, his wife and Laura and her sister. He thinks Laura inheriting so much money was the issue because she quit her job as a sales manager and suddenly had her days free to fill – which she ended up doing with bad decisions. I can’t believe we didn’t know about this before now and I find myself re-running conversations with Will and Ruby for clues that all wasn’t as it seemed. I come up with nothing.

  I can tell Pete is far from happy about the situation. He’s worked hard all his life and at a time when he should be enjoying his retirement, he and his wife are practically raising their two grandchildren. After listening to everything Pete said, Jamie and I decided that the kids would be staying with us for now. Jamie explained that he wished for things to remain amicable but he was their dad and we had a home for them now where they would be a part of our family.

  I think from Pete’s reaction he was torn between being worried about delivering the news to his wife and daughter but also relieved – because raising two children is hard work for anyone, but especially retired grandparents in their late seventies.

  When he left, Jamie broke down and kept apologising, but I told him he had nothing to be sorry about. He had taken on my children without question and it was now my turn to do the same. They were Jamie’s children and they needed him, they needed us, and we are going to do all we can to make sure this is going to be OK.

  Saturday

  Ruby woke up before all the others this morning. I snuggled her on the sofa with a blanket and made us a pot of tea to share. I gave her Belle’s old cup and we sat on the sofa, cuddled up, dipping rich tea biscuits into our mugs. It took me back to the days after Mark left where I felt like I was drowning, and every morning Belle and I would sit under a blanket on this same sofa, drinking tea out of these matching mummy and baby cups, and I would look at her tiny hands clasped around the mug. I would study her perfect turned-up nose and her blonde ringlets that fell upon her face and just wonder if one day we’d be OK.

  It made me wonder what was going on in Ruby’s head, and so I asked
if she was OK after last night. She told me she was, and that her mummy is busy most of the time so she stays with Grampy and Granny a lot. I asked if she likes sleeping there and she replied with the words ‘Yes, but I like it here more’. And I knew then that we were going to be OK, no matter what. The kids feel safe here and that’s really all that matters to me and Jamie.

  I never anticipated how hard and heartbreaking being a step-family would be at times. I don’t want ‘yours and mine’ or ‘them and us’ but you’re just thrown together and really no one’s got a clue how to do it right – you’re just trying your best to get through while giving them the best upbringing with as few issues as possible.

  I don’t know what happens with the kids on Monday, or how I’m going to fit my new job in around them all, but I know that together we will make this work. Our little family is all that matters.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  A Day of Highs and Lows

  Monday

  Well – I DID IT!!!!!! I worked my first day at the café and I bloody loved it …

  However, the day started out beyond shit. With my new job at the coffee shop imminent, I’d managed to arrange for Rex to start breakfast club, which, given Laura’s breakdown on Friday, turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

  But when we got to breakfast club, Rex went on full meltdown that he didn’t want to stay there, and Art totally took control, showing him the crayons and telling him he would teach him noughts and crosses. Rex stopped crying and, as I watched them walk across the school hall together hand in hand, I felt a lump in my throat for Art. I was so proud of him; he had endured so much these last few years and he always tried to do everything to make things as good as they could be for me. Sending them to breakfast club also makes it far easier for me, because Art needs to start at 8.55am and pre-school doesn’t open until 9.10am, which is why I have to drive all over getting them to various places. I remember it being the same when Belle and Art started school in Canterbury – we would have a fifteen-minute wait after big school drop off until pre-school opened. I suppose to the schools it’s just a fifteen-minute wait and it also means all the children aren’t rushing in together at once, but I used to watch the parents who didn’t have a car wait outside the pre-school entrance after dropping an elder child, standing in the rain, or desperate for the doors to open so they could rush off to work. I used to feel so lucky while thinking that fifteen minutes is just so painful for ‘some’ parents, and now I am one of them, rushing to get various children to schools and then getting to work on time.

  I got Ruby and Will to school on time without any fuss, and it was all going smoothly until I took Ruby into class and I felt her little palm turn sweaty and lock onto mine. And then the tears came. Her teacher came over and bent down, talking to her in a kind, reassuring voice, but the closer she got, the tighter Ruby’s grip became.

  I couldn’t work out why this was happening again, why Ruby was so upset about being at school, and I worried that all this turmoil with us parents had affected the kids more than we realised.

  In the end I couldn’t find a way of getting her off me, so the teaching assistant came and prised her away. Ruby screamed as though she was panicking about me leaving her, and my heart ached for her. The lump in my throat returned and as I walked out of class and tried to swallow it away, I knew that tears weren’t far behind.

  ‘Excuse me?’ I looked back and saw Ruby’s teacher following me across the playground.

  Brilliant.

  I started apologising profusely, making ridiculous excuses about anything and everything to justify my tears, which now weren’t stopping and the more I tried to talk the worse state I was getting into.

  I was also aware I was meant to be starting a new job in seventeen minutes and I had no make-up with me to cover up my red, blotchy, tear-stained face.

  The teacher was so sweet. Which made me cry even more, if that was possible. She asked if everything was OK at home as she had noticed Ruby had become really quiet recently and that her grandparents had taken to doing most of the school runs.

  I didn’t know what to say … I worried if I told her about Laura’s breakdown on Friday, she may get the authorities involved, but I also felt like a kettle whistling away on a stove, ready to blow. I have no one to talk to. I have no friends around here, only Jen – but it’s too early to be offloading all my worries onto her.

  So I told her that I didn’t know what was actually happening. I explained how Laura had been difficult on Friday when she’d dropped the kids off and how I was worried that Will and Ruby were at risk of being seriously affected, if they weren’t already, by their mum’s behaviour. I told her that they would now be living with us for the foreseeable future, and that I wasn’t sure how we were going to cope, and that it was all totally shit. I actually used those words ‘totally shit’. Great.

  She rubbed the top of my arm the whole time I was ranting, which made me cry more. Why do people insist on hugging or touching you when you’re crying? It’s the worst thing that can possibly happen because it turns your tear ducts into an actual tap that’s on full blast. I noticed she had her head tilted to the side and although she was studying me, I felt she was sympathising with me. Her face looked like she could tell this was a situation out of my control, and it really was ‘totally shit’. I was not exaggerating that point.

  She reassured me that she would keep an extra eye on Ruby, and that she would meet with both Will’s teacher and the head of their pastoral care team so they could make sure the kids were doing OK. She advised me to speak to Jamie again – to voice my concerns like I had to her, and make him see that we needed to find a way to manage this situation better. I felt like she was on our side and – although she didn’t say anything negative about Laura – it was like she knew things needed to change, and she was relieved we had spoken about it.

  I got in the car and laughed. A cry-laugh you do through tears at the state of yourself; the fact the entire morning had turned into a total fuck up and it was only just 9am. The tears stopped and I just laughed to myself – surely it couldn’t get any worse than this.

  I walked into the café and Lou instantly noticed my blotchy face. She was just so kind and made me a coffee and told me to sit down. There was no one else in yet and she asked me what was wrong. I felt so stupid, and I was worried Lou would think badly of me, almost like I was a total wreck and not want me working in her café, but I explained it all to her. She told me that she had ‘heard’ of Laura – even though she lived in the next town, which is a fifteen-minute drive away, the area is still small enough for people to know other people’s business.

  It was clear Lou felt uneasy discussing it, and she was so kind and I knew that she would never want to bad-mouth anyone, but from her response I could tell that I was dealing with something else here. That there was more to Laura’s story. I wondered if Jamie even knew what she was truly like now.

  Lou was so lovely to me and, even though her life is the opposite of mine, she didn’t judge. In fact, she reminded me of everything Jamie and I did have. We love each other so much. He idolises my kids and I idolise his. We have a beautiful home and our health, and speaking to her made me realise I needed to talk to Jamie about this and sort things out to get things right for our babies and our family, because I wasn’t going to let this go wrong.

  Later that day, I got a text off Lou that just said ‘You can do this, Mama. Lots of love’. That made me sob. It’s been so long since I’ve had a female friend text me nice things and I realised how lonely I had been for so long. It actually made me think that having people care for you is a pretty special feeling.

  Jamie didn’t get home until gone eight tonight and when he walked in I felt so emotional. I knew we needed to talk, but as soon as he appeared at the lounge door I walked over and buried my face into his neck. He held me so tight with one arm round my back and held my neck in his other hand in a grip that made me feel nothing but loved and secure. Hi
s smell immediately makes me feel safe, he has a beautiful smell, always – no matter if he’s worked all day or just woke up in the morning – he always smells good. He kissed the top of my forehead while saying ‘I love you so much’.

  I could tell he felt as crap as I did, and I promised in my head that we would make things OK for us all.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Woman’s Best Friend

  Thursday

  The kids are desperate for a dog. Mine have always wanted one but Mark hated dogs, so it was never an option, but now things are different, and we have agreed that the time is right for us to get one. Maybe we’re completely mad doing it now with all the stress going on, but we’ve never been ones to make life easy! We haven’t told the kids, but we’ve been researching the best dogs (for busy chaotic families, and a woman who will be in charge of training it who doesn’t have a bastard clue) and decided upon a Golden Labrador puppy. We went and looked at it yesterday while the kids were at school, and we immediately fell in love with the same one. Jamie is finishing early tomorrow so he can collect Will and Ruby from school, then we are going to surprise them all.

  I feel so happy. I’m loving work and I feel like I’ve made a real friend in Lou – and Jen. She comes into the café most days for a coffee and the three of us put the world to rights together. We also have a WhatsApp group, which we speak to each other on in the evenings, and I feel like I have a proper friendship group for the first time in forever, which is lovely. We’ve become quite close in just a couple of weeks and it’s made me realise how important and necessary female friendships are. It’s made me see that I’ve missed out on so, so much over the last fifteen years by not having other women in my life to confide in.

  And as a family, we’re all getting on really well too, and I think the stress of the house move has finally disappeared and we’re now settling in as a family unit.