The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)
Page 3
On your third date she
hands you the name of a good
couples counselor.
You can go shopping
separately and come home with
the same studded belt.
She knows where your jar
of PMS tea is and
doesn’t have to ask.
Her mother sends socks
to match the pajamas she
got you for Christmas.
You spend far more time
processing the sex than you
do getting it on.
Talking at length on
identity politics
is foreplay to you.
A third of your life
is now devoted to buying
toilet paper.
You find yourself in
couples therapy six months
after breaking up.
YOU MIGHT BE IN A POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIP …
If you answer all
questions with “Let me check my
Google Calendar.”
You bring your own gloves
to the local clinic for
STI checkups.
You find that you are
flirting with someone so your
partner can bang her.
You love the way your
lover loves her other loves
but never smothers.
I scream, you scream, she
screams, we all scream! Then we all
go out for ice cream.
You do all of your
lentil and dildo shopping
in bulk at Costco.
You’ve had so many
orgies that three-ways start to
feel isolated.
You just didn’t get
to process enough when you
were monogamous.
TAKING THINGS TO THE NEXT LEVEL
How a lesbian proposes
Diamonds are evil!
I found you this rock. It’s how
penguins get engaged.
A sample of lesbian wedding and engaygement announcements
Save the date! Our
contract with the government
includes fish tacos!
In lieu of gifts, we’re
asking that guests refrain from
mocking Tofurky.
Please join Tamika
and Sally on their quest to
destroy “straight” marriage.
We don’t believe in
marriage. We just really want
monogrammed towels.
A LINE OF LESBIAN-THEMED GREETING CARDS FOR YOUR LONG-TERM LOVERS
A special poem for a special lady this Valentine’s Day
Roses are red, but
I don’t support nonsustainable
industries.
To the überaffectionate long-term partner
I’m glad our love still
makes other people vomit
spontaneously.
Anniversary
Thank you for being
so good in bed that we can
get to sleep by nine.
There’s nothing I love
more than holding you close to
avoid the wet spot.
I love you even
though your weird browsing has fucked
up my Netflix queue.
INNOVATIVE LESBIAN DATE SUGGESTIONS
Avoiding bed death in a long-term relationship can often be a struggle. The following lesbian-approved date ideas are here to help. They’re crafty, cheap, and include little-known lady aphrodisiacs sure to stoke your gal’s fires, and possibly convince her to donate more regularly to UNICEF. Win-win.
Have a cow (of the sea)
Attend fund-raiser
for “Conventionally
Unattractive Manatees.”
Shop in a suburban outlet mall
Visit Hot Topic.
Pretend you’re not immensely
enjoying yourself.
Furrever 21
Brainstorm names for the
all-flannel pet boutique you’d
like to one day own.
By “Let’s go on a date” I meant …
Flipping through the Rare
Seeds catalog and eating
Kashi cereal.
Camp out in your backyard
Then renew your vows …
to help transient and homeless
populations!
The broke yet randy lesbian
Watch The Craft. Make out
each time there’s a moment of
lesbian subtext.
Give me one reason to stay here
Play “How much of the
same music do we own?” Laugh/
cry accordingly.
Challenge her intellectually
Write some Buffy the
Vampire Slayer fan fiction—
don’t be Dark Willow!
For the lesbian who craves alone time but has trouble advocating for her desires due to culturally ingrained guilt and overwillingness to please others
Organize a hard
scavenger hunt. While she sweats,
enjoy solitude.
Make it all about her
Let your lady pick
which documentary on
human rights to watch.
Put your love to the test
Build an IKEA
bed frame together. No one
stabbed to death? You pass.
HOW YOUR GIRL- OR BOIFRIEND WILL PROBABLY PROPOSE
Spell out “Marry me?”
in millet on the vegan
carob muffin cake.
Buy a shelter dog.
Name it a combo of your
hyphenated names.
She asks you with a
note on your cat from your shared
Instagram account.
By replacing page
of Malm dresser instructions
with crude ring drawing.
On the back of your
Sleater-Kinney shirt, writes “Be
my Joey Ramone?”
HOW LESBIAN SEX WORKS
Lesbian sex has been confounding people since the dawn of cucumbers. What is it that two women do together in bed, when they’re not perfecting their cross-stitch or creating nonbinary safespaces in which to embrace their intersectionality? While the Serious Lesbian will tell you, “There’s no one right way that girls get it on, idiot,” I will tell you … the same thing. But in a far less judgmental way. Read on to learn the ins and outs of the ol’ in-and-out.
THE INS AND INS AND SOME OUTS OF LESBIAN SEX
Picture foreplay that
lasts more than a few minutes.
Now, add some crying.
Scissoring really
only appears in pornos
or in “Rock, paper…”
Scissoring is real!
We must take back the act from
porn. With me, Scisstors?!
Strap-on sex is fun,
until you realize you
don’t know when to stop.
It’s just like “porn for
women” but with less soothing
flute music playing.
It’s like girl-girl porn,
but we don’t compliment each
other’s landing strips.
It’s like porn—we can’t
stop penetrating each other
with stilettos!
There’s not one right way
lesbians get it on. There
are, like, four at least.
Time is built in for
improv homophone lessons
and bird metaphors.
Pour the wine, light the
fire, argue over what she
said eight months ago.
Lesbian foreplay:
Strip every time Rachel
Maddow makes a pun.
It is like straight sex,
&nb
sp; but everyone ends up with
some hair in her mouth.
It’s like straight sex, but
afterward we ask ourselves,
“We just had sex, right?”
I can’t give away
the secrets but will say it
involves dream catchers.
We don’t have sex; we
just pet each other until
a man comes along.
It’s like straight sex, but
the little spoon is determined
by lottery.
It’s like hetero
sex, but sometimes our penises
glow in the dark.
It’s like straight sex, but
we don’t have to rub one out
ourselves afterward.
It’s like straight sex—same
regrets, insecurities—
but with more laundry.
It’s like straight sex, but
by “sex,” I mean deconstructing
patriarchy.
It’s like straight sex, but
less worries about whether
your nipples “look weird.”
Lesbian sex is
like water polo—no one
really knows the rules.
Why you should be proud
to have small hands: picking teeth,
sewing, and fisting.
Advanced techniques
It’s like straight sex but
with frequent trips to Michaels
for more soy candles.
Putting the anal back in analysis
Can I Freudian
slip my finger inside your
Jung, supple body?
Who has time for sex?
We’re far too busy
slowly shedding our matching
cheerleading outfits.
Options are limitless
Penises are like
boy bands: they can only move
in One Direction.
IF THE FIFTY SHADES SERIES HAD BEEN WRITTEN BY A QUEER LADY
Fifty Shades of Spay
Protagonist finds
herself enslaved by CUTEST
tripod tabby cat.
Fifty Shades of Stay
Surprise! That “contract”
you signed was for our new time-
share in Provincetown!
Fifty Shades of Gay
A bisexual
is born and no one questions
her identity.
Fifty Shades of Old Bay
Two industrious
gals spend all night … arranging
their spice cabinet.
Fifty Shades of Essay
A lesbian tome
on all that’s wrong with the books.
In Papyrus font.
Fifty Shades of Bombay
In which a woman’s
kink is revealed to be lip-
syncing in saris.
Fifty Shades of Tanqueray
A very drunk gal
tries to seduce a fountain
for seven hours.
Fifty Shades of A.A.
Two sober gals quickly
realize they’re incompatible.
And move on.
Fifty Shades of Okay
Two women meet, and
they both respect each other’s
boundaries. The End.
Fifty Shades of Bray
A lesbian tries
to explain the timeless allure
of Fran Drescher.
Fifty Shades of Sasha Grey
Lesbian admits
she has pubic hair. Her sex
life remains fine, thanks.
Fifty Shades of Buffet
Two ladies give new
meaning to the phrase “all you
can eat.” Then they nap.
Fifty Shades of Sallie Mae
A forty-four-year-
old woman finally pays
off her student loans!
Fifty Shades of Crochet
Postbreakup, two girls
keep hosting the club that they
founded: Knit Happens.
Fifty Shades of Sick Pay
Pro bono lawyers
fall in love during a case
on workers’ comp rights.
Fifty Shades of Papier-Mâché
A woman pretends
to be impressed by her date’s
wallpaper paste art.
Fifty Shades of Hey Girl Hey
It’s just like the real
books, but with Ryan Gosling,
whom lesbians love.
Fifty Shades of Hit the Hay
Two buxom beauties
learn the importance of a
good night of REM sleep.
HOW LESBIAN SEX WORKS IN LONG-TERM COUPLES
It is our two-week
anniversary! Break out
the organic lube!
Baby, could you flip
me over? My left foot is
totally asleep.
I’m gonna rip that
grandpa sweater right offa
you when we get home.
You wanna have sex
tonight? Okay, but you have
to do all the work.
It’s oddly not a
turnoff when you eat pasta
out of the strainer.
The sweatpants from Old
Navy manage to stay on
the entire time.
It’s midnight! If you
wanted a piece of this, you
should have asked at ten.
But I just washed the
sheets! Okay, fine, I’ll arrange
towels artfully.
Three times in one week!
My, it’s just like we’re twenty-
one years old again!
Let’s wait till after
Orange Is the New Black. No,
the next episode.
Nibbling her makes you
realize you’re hungry, so
you stop for waffles.
Mmm, I can’t wait to
sit on your face for, like, five
minutes ’cause my knees.
She whips out restraints.
You shiver with delight, say:
“Wait, let me pee first.”
You might not want to
go downtown tonight—there’s a
southern wind blowin’.
I would love to fuck
you senseless … but I just ate
all that saag paneer.
That’s right, baby, right
there, get that tax refund, don’t
stop, get it, get it.
Someone has to clean
off the clothes on the bed first.
No? Then tomorrow.
For the love of all
that’s sacred: It’s called foreplay.
Think outside my box!
The G-spot is like
mercantilism. I know
it exists. That’s it.
It’s like straight sex, but
you aren’t labeled a slut for
fucking on the date.
It’s like straight sex but
with more slouchy blazers and
P!nk dance remixes.
When lesbians say
“all night long,” they do not mean
forty-five minutes.
“What do two girls do
together in bed, really?”
Two words: gin rummy.
On nights out/anniversaries/romantic holidays
Sex occurs before
you go out ’cause you know you’ll
be too tired after.
A word of caution
Hitachi Magic
Wands have two settings: “low” and
“immersion blender.”
It’s like straight sex but
with more IKEA wardrobe
storage assemblage.
It’s like straight sex,
but
first we have to consult our
lunar calendars.
On the prevalence of dental dams
Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha … ha ha ha ha.
Dental dams reprise
They’d get more use if
they had a more appealing
name, like beaver dams.
Working out the kinks
Jameson shots and
standard police handcuffs do
not mix. Lesson learned.
How lesbians discuss porn
Of course, I loved Crash
Pad’s “Fisting: Lend a Hand,” but
the book was better.
GROUP SEX: THE MORE THE HAIRIER
A true story
At the lez orgy,
the biggest bed contained two
women JUST spooning.
Sex party rules of conduct
Consent, consent, and
please bring a baked good to share
with everyone.
Sex party rules continued: hot tub etiquette
What makes us soooo wet?
Radical self-reliance
on your own towel!
Whip it good
What a spirited
flogging! Maybe next time no
GMO lecture?
Pleather is better
Who wants to get fucked?
My toys accommodate all
types of allergies!
SEX THROUGH THE AGES
Sex in your teens
After a Buffy
viewing: “You’re not going to
tell your boyfriend, right?”
Shhh, we have to be
very quiet so that my
parents don’t hear us!
Sex in your twenties
I’m pretty sure it
was good, but that may have just
been the tequila.
It’s like duck, duck, goose,
but the ducks are all your friends
and so is the goose.
Elevators, Gap
dressing rooms, coat closets—all
locales are fair game.
Sex in your thirties
We can open this
second bottle of wine or
have sex. But not both.
Mmm, baby, yes, oh,
not so loud, baby, you will
wake the baby, oh!
A hotel bed? I
didn’t know we were getting
kinky over here!
“Can your parents hear
us?” “Who cares! We’ve been married
for several years!”
Sex in your forties
Quick, the kids are out,
so I’ve readied the Bareback
Mountain DVD.
You are not above
bartering sex favors to