The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (With Cats!)
Page 5
dated your ex too.
Change your dildo’s name
to Obama. Have the
audacity to hope.
Have debates over
whether to use Obama
with new girls you meet.
When debate stalemates,
take Obama out. What a
solid listener.
In prayers, you ask
God why aren’t there a few
more gaydies on earth?
“Listen,” He replies.
“I’ve got my hands full right now
with Kristen Stewart.”
You stop praying and
rebounding with your dildo.
Back to therapy.
MY EX IS YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS AND EXES
Remember when Jay-Z wrote in his song—appropriately titled “99 Problems”—that he had “ninety-nine problems but a bitch ain’t one”? Well, as I mentioned earlier, lesbians have ninety-nine problems and ninety-eight of them are “bitches.” (The ninety-ninth problem is reconciling the rampant misogyny in rap lyrics with their super catchy beats.) This chapter will deal with common lesbian problems, such as the fact that 85 percent of us have the same haircut, how frequently we date our friends’ exes (it’s not a dating pool; it’s a dating puddle), how to differentiate a lesbian from a garden-variety hipster, and what to do if you are sleeping with a carbon copy of yourself.
SERIOUS, INSURMOUNTABLE LESBIAN PROBLEMS
A wheel good time
Some days, it seems the
only appreciation
comes from men in cars.
Netfux
We will endure the
crappiest movies to see
two minutes of GAY.
Double your pleasure
Two periods, two
wet spots, and EIGHT HUNDRED TRACY
CHAPMAN ALBUMS.
Great ex-pectations
You are forever
waiting for the toaster that
you have been promised.
The difficult art of flirtation
To the wrong women:
you’re predatory. The right
ones: you’re TOO SUBTLE.
Fashion
People tell you that
you dress like you’re a ’90s
movie cameo.
Fashion, take two
You definitely
need to have that many beanies
in your wardrobe.
You look familiar
It’s like straight sex, but
replace “one”-night stand with “one
hundred and fourteen.”
Intrusive family members
No one ever says
that “you just haven’t met the
right ham sandwich yet!”
Your makeout music is the same music that plays when …
People die on Grey’s
Anatomy, thus killing
all lady boners.
From the lesbian committee on political correctness
We request that “big
spoon” be replaced with “body-
actualized spoon.”
When explaining to your parents why you insist on working for nonprofits
“I’ve decided to
stay on another year.” “So
you hate money then?”
From the lesbian committee on political correctness, again
We request that you
never Facebook “poke” someone
without her consent.
The wrong way to sext
“Yes, that’s it, right there,
babe.” Wait, why am I sexting
using both my hands?
On making long-distance work
Skype sex? Can’t you just
masturbate to my Facebook
pics like usual?
Only straight girls seem to flirt with you
I’m used to women
that I date being straight, but
never straightforward.
People accuse you of narcissism
I’m fucking someone
who looks just like me. It’s my
own doppelbanger.
A concerned email from my ex
It’s been four years since
you left and I’m STILL dating
people you dated.
You look doubly familiar
My fuck buddies are
now fucking each other and
not me. Fucking great.
A lesbian greeting card for the distant family member who says homophobic things during the holidays
“Congrats! You’re a
monster.” (But written in glitter
so it feels festive!)
HIPSTER APPROPRIATION OF LESBIAN CULTURE: A MANIFESTO IN FIVE HAIKU
First they came for our
small-batch pickled kohlrabi,
and we said nothing.
Then they came for our
plaid, and we blogged a little
but still said nothing.
Then they came for our
light beer, and we tweeted passive-
aggressively.
Then they came for our
mullets, and … we let that one
slide, actually.
Then they came to our
bars and WE HIT ON ALL OF
THEM BY ACCIDENT!
LESBIAN BED DEATH
A common stereotype among partnered queer ladies is the dreaded “lesbian bed death”—that is, the notion that queer ladies stop getting it on once they’ve merged. While I believe this is an “affliction” that happens to all couples in long-term relationships, and should hence be called “NO, YOU HAVE BED DEATH,” I will grant the notion that perhaps lesbians are too busy saving things—whales, rain forests, Jennifer Beals’s career—to focus on sex for any consistent amount of time. There are ways to avoid bed death, however. One example, as my ex-girlfriend pointed out, is to not refer to your partner’s vagina as “God’s refrigerator.” Below is a list for how to avoid bed death and keep the love alive!
Serve her breakfast in
bed. Tell her it’s not ’cause you
don’t own a table.
Leave a trail of rose
petals leading to her futon
mattress on the floor.
When your girlfriend’s ex
shows up at brunch, counsel her
with Etsy advice.
Take her out to fancy restaurants
“My love for you is
as limitless as breadsticks
at Olive Garden.”
COMMON REASONS A LESBIAN MAY SUDDENLY AND INEXPLICABLY CRY
A lesbian alone already has a WORLD OF FEELS. Add another lesbian into the mix and you’ve got the makings of every Mariah Carey song in existence. Or a lot of crying. Which is fine! Ritual face-wetting is healthy for us, probably. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. If I were, it’d be weird that I was writing this book. Unless I lost a dare or something. In which case it would prove I either had really amazing friends or that my friends were assholes. Thank God I don’t have to think about situations like this, is what I’m saying! Otherwise I might cry. Also, the following are a few reasons you or your lady might find yourselves weeping.
The first-blush-of-love cry
It’s just amazing
how much she gets you after
only two short dates!
The first-blush-of-doubt cry
Ugh, it’s been two dates
and it’s like she doesn’t get
your essence at all!
The cry-because-she’s-crying cry
You feel sad because
she feels sad because: war, strife,
poverty, and Crocs.
The circular-reasoning cry
You feel sad because
she feels sad ’cause she’s afraid
of making you sad!
The cry because the sex is so
good and it’s been so long
And also because
Adele is playing. Why did
she put Adele on?
The cry because the sex is rather painful actually but you don’t want to hurt her feelings and make her cry too
She fucked me so hard
it’s like she was looking for
my virginity!
The drunken cry
Youuuu! You’s more perfect
than a Tegan and Sara
song! You superstaah!
The unpleasant-astrological-prediction cry
Our birth charts aren’t
compatible! Your Ruler’s
Mars and mine’s Venus!
The laugh-cry
“Bet last night was fun,”
said your boss while pointing at
the lube in your bangs.
A LINE OF LESBIAN-THEMED GREETING CARDS FOR YOUR FRIENDS
Thanks for being a
friend in my time of need. And
by “friend,” I mean slut.
It’s redundant to
say you’re gay and that you majored
in theater tech.
What a hot night! I’m
so glad you figured out you’re
actually straight.
PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE REASONS WHY A LESBIAN MIGHT SLEEP WITH HER FRIENDS
Plenty of fish in
the sea! And plenty of
Smirnoff in this bottle.
We take the concept
of recycling VERY
SERIOUSLY.
How else could you get
access to the premium
cable channels, huh?
You wanted to spend
time with her cat, but ended
up with her pussy.
To prove the last girl
wrong. MY FIGURE EIGHT TECHNIQUE
IS SOLID, NICOLE.
Because her bed has
a legit mattress, with a
frame and everything!
So you’d have fodder
for an empowering folk
song or a haiku.
The brief walk home was
TOO FAR and it was below
seventy degrees!
I don’t want to be
in a relationship! Just
with you constantly.
Because it was a
particularly moving
Roseanne episode.
THE PERKS OF BEING FRIENDS WITH A LESBIAN
Would never, ever
shame you for knowing the theme
song to Dawson’s Creek.
Thrilled to lend you a
cowboy hat or bolo tie
for costume parties.
Will tell you that your
’90s fashion sense never
will go out of style.
Always have access
to nail clippers, no matter
the circumstances.
We will always ask
what you are thinking—many,
many times a day!
Clown school? Septum ring?
A third Ph.D.? All great
and wise life choices.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
FROM ANNA
This book would not have been possible without the tireless efforts, input, and inspiration from my girlfriend, Kelsey Beyer. Without your crazy-genius talent, compassion, and support, I would be so lost. Thank you. And to my family: Theresa and Bob Geary, John Pulley, and Jonny Pulley. I’m incredibly lucky to call you kin.
Big, big ups also go to Mac McClelland for her help in getting this book off the ground and for being my self-esteem cheerleader and role model. Thanks to Bob Miller and Jasmine Faustino at Flatiron Books for being so amazing. Thanks to Alexis Coe for believing in all my weird little projects, and to the fine folks at The Toast—Nicole Cliffe, Mallory Ortberg, and Nikki Callahan—for publishing some of these haiku and letting me write poems about Tegan’s and Sara’s bone structure. To Ammie Brod, my unofficial editor of everything, you are indispensable and a damn joy of a human being. Thanks to Ellie (squish!) and Devon (ma petite chou-fleur) for making life interesting.
To Kelly Underman, Marie McIntosh, Katherine Harte DeCoux, Allison Moon, Ellen Martel, Tristan Crane, and my Facebook and Twitter friends who contributed haiku inspiration and ideas. And of course, to all the gals who rejected me. Without you, this book would have been much shorter.
FROM KELSEY
Thanks to my parents, Molly and Bill, and my brother, Dannel, for all their support (and for putting up with my neuroses) over the years. And of course to Anna, without whom I may never have had the opportunity to illustrate a book of lesbian sex haiku with suggestive cat drawings, and who makes me laugh and inspires me every day.
I would also like to thank Fallon Young for her shockingly successful efforts as a matchmaker, for always supporting my work, and for inspiring me to draw my first lesbian cats. And Toni Sicola and Gillian Fitzhugh for educating me on many of the finer points of “Lesbian 101” in my early twenties, without which I would most likely understand far fewer of the references in this book. And my dear friend Robin Weinert, for always sharing his critical eye and telling me in no uncertain terms when something is fucking done.
Many thanks to Maru for his role in inspiring the concept of this book and all his groundbreaking work with boxes over the years, to Tony Danza (may he rest in peace), Franklin, Bella, Snugglecat, Door, Gray Kitty, and all the anonymous cats who made this book possible. Also to all my exes and friends who sent me pictures and gave me feedback. And to my therapist, obviously.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND THE ILLUSTRATOR
Anna Pulley is a writer in Oakland, California. Her work has appeared in New York magazine and Mother Jones, on BuzzFeed, AlterNet, The Toast, and Salon, and in zines tastefully peppered with Ani DiFranco lyrics. She’s been a repeat guest on Dan Savage’s podcast, Savage Love, and is a sex and relationship columnist for the Chicago Tribune and AfterEllen. Visit annapulley.com or let her send you overly personal e-mails at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or sign up for email updates here.
Kelsey Beyer is an artist living in Oakland. She specializes in prints, drawings, illustrations, and figure modeling. Her work has been featured on Foulmouth Greetings cards, in the National Queer Arts Festival, on The Toast, and in Gay Men Draw Vaginas. She has been moonlighting as the unofficial visual documentarian for the Bay Area’s favorite girl orgy since 2009. See more of her work at kelseybeyer.com. Or sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
DEDICATION
INTRODUCTION
LESBIANISM 101
• You Might Be a Queer Girl If …
• A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Movie Ever Made
HOW TO PICK UP A LESBIAN
• More Realistic Ways to “Flag” as a Womyn-Loving Wo’moon
• Foolproof Lesbian Pickup Lines
• Lesbian Pickup Strategies That Rarely Work Yet Are Replicated Incessantly
• How to Pick Up …
• Imagined Awkward Propositions for the Characters You’re Reading About in Your Book Club
• Imagined Awkward Propositions from Famous Queer Women Throughout History
DATING: IT’S NOT OK, OKCUPID
• A Representative Sample of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Missed Connections
• Possible First Messages to Women on Online Dating Sites
• How to Fill Out Your Dating Profile Like a True Lesbian
• How to Proposition a Girl on Facebook
• A Summary of All Craigslist Women 4 Women Ads
• How to Proposition Someone While Playing Online Scrabble
• Perfectly Valid Excuses a Lesbian Might Use to Turn You Down for a Date
• A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Dates
U-HAULING
• Signs That You’re in a Cohabitating Lesbian Relationship
• You Might Be in a Polyamorous Relationship …
• Taking Things to the Next Level
• A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Your Long-Term Lovers
• Innovative Lesbian Date Suggestions
• How Your Girl- or Boifriend Will Probably Propose
HOW LESBIAN SEX WORKS
• The Ins and Ins and Some Outs of Lesbian Sex
• If the Fifty Shades Series Had Been Written by a Queer Lady
• How Lesbian Sex Works in Long-Term Couples
• Group Sex: The More the Hairier
• Sex Through the Ages
• Dos and Don’ts
• If Lesbian Porn Were Accurate
• If Lesbians Were in Charge of Defining Common Sex Positions
LOOK BOTH WAYS: DEMYSTIFYING BISEXUALITY
• What’s a Bisexual?
• How Does Bisexual Sex Work?
• Common Bisexual Questions Posed to Nonbisexual People
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
• A Representative Sample of Every Lesbian Breakup Throughout History in Twelve Words
• How to Break Up with a Lesbian
• A Line of Lesbian-Themed Greeting Cards for Exes
• How to Let a Queer Girl Down Gently
• How to Piss Off an Ex Indefinitely
• The Wrong Way to Grieve a Breakup
• How to Break Up with Fictional Characters Who Were Implicitly or Explicitly Lesbians
• The Twelve Stages of Lesbian Breakup Grief
• Rebounds
MY EX IS YOUR EX: THE UPS AND DOWNS OF BEING LOVERS AND FRIENDS AND EXES
• Serious, Insurmountable Lesbian Problems
• Hipster Appropriation of Lesbian Culture: A Manifesto in Five Haiku
• Lesbian Bed Death
• Common Reasons a Lesbian May Suddenly and Inexplicably Cry