Promise Me Forever (Top Shelf Romance)

by Kate Stewart

  “I can’t believe this is happening,” I said, staring at the picture on the floor. Nate’s smile was covered in shards of broken glass.

  I picked it up and emptied them on the dresser, and turned it over to see that the picture was ruined.

  “I chose him,” I said, staring at the black and white photo.

  “Because he’s who you truly wanted or because you didn’t know what life with Reid would be like and you were too chicken shit to find out?”

  I could never forget the way I felt when Reid sang for me. When he bared his soul in a room full of people without knowing I was watching. Had he always been that transparent with his feelings for me? Looking back, it was clear.

  Yes, he had. And I had punished him.

  They were both right.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Colorful: The Verve Pipe

  Five Months Later

  I walked through the double doors of the bakery with a few shopping bags in my hand. I had woken up early to get a jump on the heat. I had absolutely no patience for Texas’s scorching temperatures in the month of July, or any other month for that matter. My phone buzzed, and I smiled at the screen before I answered.

  “Woman, that man called again,” Lexi said.

  “What man?” I asked as I approached the counter.

  “The one about the job,” she said carefully. “I almost told him you died.”

  I laughed. “Don’t do that.”

  “Don’t move out,” she pleaded.

  “You’re never there,” I said loudly, as the lady at the counter with resting bitch face asked if she could help me. Stepping aside, I held my hand up as the door rang behind me.

  “Lexi, we’ve been over this.” I sighed. “And you’re the one who told me to do me. This is me doing me.”

  “Fine,” she sighed. “Your fancy master’s degree came in the mail this morning. I framed it in Hello Kitty.”

  I laughed as she cooed over the phone. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “I couldn’t have done it without you,” I said sincerely.

  “Yeah, well, someone had to take the donut box away, turn off the sappy movies, and get you to school. What are you doing?”

  I ducked under the weight of that question. “Nothing.”

  “You are totally getting donuts, aren’t you?”

  “Rough night.” The day before had been my twenty-fifth birthday, Reid’s thirtieth. I kept my ringer on all day in hopes of getting that phone call. I watched the home movie my parents made about twenty times and paced my apartment, dodging the invites of friends and my current boss, Adrian, who I worked for as a personal assistant. The hours were reasonable until I could find something else. Desperation struck at 11:11 last night, and all I wished for was that call from Reid. I let myself have a healthy cry when the clock struck midnight. He stopped waiting. And I didn’t blame him. But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that if he did call, I would answer.

  What I would say was a different story. Nate hadn’t dialed my number, either, despite my few attempts to reach him. I hated the way we ended. I still loved him every day. I remained faithful to them both, though I had nothing to hold onto from either one. Part of me believed I was paying penance for my divided heart. But the truth was, I loved them both with all of it. And Lexi was right. I had to take a step away from Nate in order to see the truth. It didn’t make it any easier on me.

  Lexi’s logic had saved me, even though it wasn’t entirely correct. I loved my life with Nate Butler, that much I knew. And it didn’t feel like I was giving up anything to be with him, because being with him became a new dream. The only thing I had to give up being with Nate was Reid.

  I walked the streets those first few months apart, praying to run into him, as I had so many times before. With every defeated step without a trace of him, I felt his decision. And I had to respect it because, in all honesty, I was selfish. Love was selfish. But no matter how much of our story was unfinished, I was thankful for every minute I had with him.

  Taking a look at my life and my choices was the hardest thing I had ever done. I owned my involvement with Reid. I apologized to my sister wholeheartedly a few months ago. She just shook her head as I stood at her door with tears in my eyes. She smiled, took my hand, and led me back into my rightful place in her life. She made apologies of her own, and for the first time since that night all those years ago, when I chose my selfish heart, I felt like I had her back.

  I graduated with my master’s, but just barely. I didn’t play immune to my heartbreak, and it cost me. I let myself dig through a shoebox of emotions and came out on the other side, both enlightened and numb. My stroke had scared me into a position of living completely afraid of taking chances. Life wasn’t a gamble, but it seemed I needed to accept the “passionate” part of me in order to fully bloom. And bloom I did. I ate my way out of my wardrobe. I was twenty pounds heavier, and I felt it everywhere.

  Miraculously a new me?

  Not a chance.

  That isn’t the way things worked for new Stella. I was a work in progress. I had a ways to go to get that Lexi glow. So, I let myself feel, and I did it afraid.

  I let it hurt.

  But I never let go. I couldn’t.

  Lexi pulled me from my saliva-dripping stalking of a silk chocolate pie.

  “Hey, I’m sorry I missed your birthday. Hurry home, okay? I want to make it up to you.”

  “I hope you’re not making it up to me with cake. I have that covered,” I said sheepishly.

  “Bitch, get those donuts. Your ass looks amazing,” she chuckled.

  “I really wish I gave a shit. I’m starting to jiggle, and you’re enabling me.”

  “You traded in dudes for donuts,” she said with a sigh. “I wish I would have thought of it first. Hurry home, bitch.” She hung up as I stared at the case full of fried sugar.

  I stood at the counter as the woman, who had seen me often in the past few months, looked at me with apprehension, like I would clear out her case. She was judging, but I could see the envy in her eyes. She was starving.

  “Big box?”

  I nodded as I fired off my grocery list. “Okay, two cream cheese stuffed Danishes, two of those bear claws. Four chocolate, two glazed.”

  “Is that all?” the woman asked impatiently.

  “No,” I said, matching her dead stare before I smiled with big eyes just to scare her. “One with the sprinkles.”

  I heard the familiar chuckle behind me and my heart plummeted.

  Of course, we would run into each other this way. Sighing in defeat, I turned to see Nate standing behind me. He was impeccably dressed, a slow grin spreading on his face.

  It was my worst nightmare. I was in my last pair of jeans that would button and a dirty T-shirt that read Spank Me with a grown man in a diaper on it. Slumming wasn’t the word. It was more like slobbing. My hair was piled in a disgusting bun on top of my head, and I didn’t have on a stich of makeup.

  “Hi,” Nate said as he looked me over.

  “Can you just pretend I’m in that jumper you love with heels and look incredible?”

  His eyes softened as he took a step forward and threw a twenty on top of the glass case. “Her sprinkles are on me.” The woman behind the counter took one look at Nate and I saw the change in her demeanor. She was hungry and needed sex with Nate Butler. And I felt her pain. He always had that effect on women and had never once given me reason to worry. I managed to stifle the threatening tears, but my voice shook when I spoke.

  “How are you?”

  Nate turned back to me after placing his order while I moved to the end of the counter and gripped my box. “Thank you for these.”

  “Happy belated,” he said, avoiding my question. “I got a call from a guy named Gary yesterday. I gave him my recommendation.”

  “Thank you,” I said as he joined me at the counter. Butterflies collided in my chest and sank to my stomach.

  “I guess congratulations are in orde
r.”

  “Not yet. I haven’t been offered the job.”

  “It’s yours, Stella,” he said, his blue eyes scouring my face. I nodded, in no way interested in talking about my possible job.

  “Will you take it?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, carefully reading him to see if the idea sat well with him. “My future’s kind of wide open at this point.”

  “Want to go sit down?” he asked.

  “Only if you want to,” I said honestly. Please want to.

  The lady brought his box, and he added two coffees. He ordered mine from memory, just the way I liked it, and that’s when my eyes watered. I couldn’t hide it. “Maybe I should just go.”

  “Stella, let’s sit.”

  I nodded and followed him to a table. He took off his jacket, something I’d seen him do a hundred times before, but somehow it hurt to watch.

  “I read last week’s print. Really good stuff,” I said as I took a sip of my coffee, my appetite diminished.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” I said with a smile. “But far be it from me to judge, being the girl with the inappropriate T-shirt and whose opinion isn’t relevant.”

  Nate smirked. “You know that’s bullshit. I told you so . . .” He trailed off, and I wanted to forehead tap myself. He told me the night we broke up. Nate cleared his throat. “Anyway, I think we both know that you became a bit more relevant since you published in Rolling Stone.”

  I gaped at him. “You saw it?”

  “I did. I wanted to call you.” He slipped and we both shifted uncomfortably. “I was so proud of you.”

  I smiled as a tear I couldn’t win with fell down my cheek. “That means a lot to me.”

  “Don’t do that,” he whispered. “I’m not used to seeing that. I fucking hate it.”

  “It’s my new therapy,” I said as heat crept up my face. “That and donuts.” I squirmed under the weight of his stare.

  “Stella, I saw you walk in here, and I thought I was going to lose my shit, okay? My heart fucking stopped. You’re more beautiful than ever. Whatever flaws you’re trying to point out to me, I can’t see. Now let’s squash this elephant because I want to talk to you.” His voice turned heavy, hoarse, and raw. “I miss my best friend.”

  More tears emerged as I tried to clear my throat. “You don’t hate me?”

  “Never. God, I could never hate you,” he assured as he leaned over and wiped the tears away.

  “You never made me cry,” I said with the longing I felt. I gripped his hand and held it to my face. “Never. I miss you, too, Nate. So much.”

  “Stella, I was hoping—”

  My phone rang, rattling us both, and we collectively looked down to see Reid’s name across the front.

  Nate sighed and sat back.

  Heart pounding, I fisted my hands in my lap with a quick explanation to Nate. “This is a total coincidence. We aren’t—”

  “The sad part is, I believe you,” he said as his own phone rang. “Take that.” He nodded toward my phone. I picked up just before it went to voicemail as he walked out the door.

  “Reid,” I said as warm tears flowed.

  This is not happening.

  “I’m so damn sorry,” he said breathlessly. “Stella, I was stuck in a rainstorm in the middle of the fucking jungle. I can’t believe you answered.”

  I laughed with relief as Nate paced outside the store, glancing my way on occasion. “The jungle?”

  “Practically,” he said, out of breath.

  “Where are you?”

  “We’re in Indonesia. Adam is in some soul-searching phase, the tortured artist bullshit. He wants to be enlightened and thinks we should do it together as a band. So, where am I? In the seventh circle of hell, but I swear to Christ, I didn’t do that to hurt you. I mean, to not call. More than that. All of it. Stella, I’m sorry about what I said. That night. The position I put you in. It wasn’t fair. I just can’t help it. When I see you, I just can’t . . .”

  “Reid?”

  “I want you to know I respect your decision. I hate being the bigger man because that means I . . .” He exhaled. “Lose you. But you have to know I never wanted to see those tears. I’m done hurting you.”

  “I know.”

  “I love you, always, no matter what. You need to know that.”

  “I do, Reid. I promise.”

  “You’re not mad at me?”

  “No.” Another hot tear fell as I wiped my face in utter disbelief. Not a word from either of them in months only to be forced into the most impossible situation imaginable. Reid sighed on the phone. “What are you doing?”

  “Getting donuts, getting fat.”

  “This I would love to see,” he said with a chuckle.

  “If I keep it up, you’ll have no problem seeing me.”

  “You’re so goddamn beautiful. That’s all I’ve ever seen.”

  “So are you,” I said sincerely. “I’m so proud of you. I don’t think I ever told you that.”

  “Of me? You’re the one who made Rolling Stone,” he said proudly. “I read it, Stella. I bought a thousand copies. I sent them to Paige.”

  “You did?” I said as my heart threatened to leap out of my chest.

  “I figured you could mail them to your family. Is a thousand enough?” He laughed again, the sound enough to finish me.

  “Damn you, life,” I whispered.

  “Stella, I have to go. My phone’s dying. And I’m not sure about this backup cell that looks like it came straight off the set of Jurassic Park. Can I . . . can I call you sometime? I mean, I know it’s probably going to piss him off, but Stella—”

  “Yes. Please, yes,” I said low so he couldn’t hear the shake in my voice. “Call me anytime. I mean that. Happy birthday to you, too.”

  “Okay, well,” he lingered.

  “Reid,” I said, my voice cracking with my truth. “I love you.”

  Silence. His ragged breath was the only indication that he was still there.

  “Reid?”

  “You never said it,” he whispered. “You never actually said the words to me.”

  “But you knew,” I said as I began to bleed, yet again, for the man who stared at me from outside the window and the man I spoke to on the phone. “You always knew.”

  “I hoped I was right, but now? Still?” he asked.

  “Now. Still.”

  “Say it again, Stella. Say it again and I’ll leap across these continents back to you.”

  I glanced out at Nate, who was watching me carefully through the window. “Reid—”

  “That’s enough, Stella. I promise. I’m going to go wrestle a fucking tiger or some shit,” he said, “now that I’m invincible.” I felt his smile over the phone.

  “Reid?”

  “Yes, Grenade?” It was another blow to the chest, but I could still feel his smile.

  “Tell me that life magically starts to happen.”

  “One minute past desperation, baby. I promise. I’m living proof. Believe me, Stella.”

  “Okay.”

  “I love you,” he whispered before he hung up.

  Nate walked through the door, and I took a deep breath.

  I pulled over to a rest stop at the state line, focused on the storm clouds in the distance. I turned my key and let the windows down to air out the cabin. I stretched my legs, the wind whipping through my hair, the boom of thunder in the distance.

  I would go to my grave thinking closure was bullshit. I knew better. There was only letting go. And I knew better than anyone that letting go was more of a feat than making peace with a goodbye, which is all closure was. I could never make peace with goodbye. Goodbyes hurt, but letting go felt amazing. And somewhere between the hotel I left twenty-four hours ago and the road I traveled now, I felt a large part of me had already let go. The sting of that phone call was enough to send me on a soul-searching journey, but all it had done was bring me to the same conclusion. Even in hindsight, with all of y
our mistakes disappearing in the distance, the things you got right are there alongside them.

  I’d made the mistake of only looking for the hurt.

  Because why do we have to be perfect?

  Give me a human with ovaries that makes all the right decisions when it comes to the opposite sex and I’ll give you the most uneventful love story ever. Perfection is boring. It makes life boring, and love even more so. With me, it didn’t end up being only about the destination; it was about my ride. It was always the ride that made it so much sweeter, and at times bittersweet, like on days like yesterday. I grieved like the wound was new, but that’s me being me, Stella doing Stella. That’s how I was built.

  My mistakes, my false certainties, all the things that moved me through trial and error kept things exciting, kept me on my toes, kept me growing in the right direction within reach of someone growing the same way. I let my emotions run my life, or in the case of Reid and Nate, overrun my life, and I forgot about the one thing that eased my temperament, the one thing that made me, me.

  Music.

  I was still in control most of the time, but sometimes I lost it.

  And still, I loved the emotional woman I’d become.

  And the more I looked in the rearview, the closer I got to the truth. It was okay to love them both, to give my heart a chance to explore, but I had already let go. I was reminiscing about the life I lived, and maybe that was my imperfection. Maybe that’s where I still let my emotions run away and rule at times. It made me imperfect and emotional, but I was good with that and pretty fucking done apologizing for it. And with the man who loved me, I didn’t have to. So, with only a few hundred miles to go, my eyes no longer searched behind but focused forward. It was time to get home.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Wasted Time: Eagles

  Three Months Later

  “Are you getting it?” Lexi asked as I held my iPhone up on the side of the stage.

  “Yep,” I said as I zoomed in on the drummer, the video ticking, my heart hammering with excitement. I was in complete awe.