Good On Paper

by Jennifer Millikin

  “Aidan, sit here.” My father motions to a seat. Big surprise that it’s right next to Anna. Natalie takes a seat between Shawn and my father. John and Melinda are across from us, and my mom is on Melinda's left. The whole seating arrangement feels very manufactured, and it makes me prickly. As untraditional as it was at Natalie's mom’s house, I'm starting to wish we were still there.

  Thankfully, the conversation at dinner isn't as on the nose as the seating arrangement. Melinda asks Shawn a ton of questions about personal training and owning a gym. The group is small enough that it would be difficult to have a side conversation, so we all listen. Twice Anna bumps my foot underneath the table and apologizes. The second time, she adds a giggle to the apology. I wonder if Natalie finds this amusing or irritating? Maybe she hasn't even noticed.

  Why do I even care?

  Fuck fuck fuck.

  I'm confused.

  Twenty minutes later, dinner is over. It never fails to amaze me that a meal that takes so long to prepare can be finished so quickly.

  “Thank you, Mom.” I stand and toss my linen napkin down on the table beside my empty plate.

  “You're welcome, dear.” Mom smiles at me from across the table. “If you're going to get the pie, I think we should wait awhile. Maybe give it a little time between dinner and dessert.”

  I couldn't stuff a bite of pie into my mouth if I were being forced, but I don't say that. “I'm going to get a little fresh air. Excuse me,” I say to the group, dropping a kiss on the top of my mom’s head before I leave the room. Through the kitchen and down a hallway are the doors that lead to the backyard. Once I'm through them, I take a deep, long breath of air that is so crisp I can taste it. The scent of damp earth fills my nose. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I walk down four steps and onto the lawn. Dead leaves crunch under my boots as I head for the tree line.

  I need to clear my head, and sitting in that dining room was making me feel like a zoo animal in an exhibit.

  I walk fifteen yards into the forest, pausing to lean on the trunk of a tree. Glancing back, I make sure I can see the house from where I am. Getting lost out here would only make things worse. I'm lost enough as it is. These errant, wayward thoughts about Natalie are making me lose my senses. Sighing, I turn back around and face what feels like an endless amount of skinny, barren trees. My eyes close, a deep breath fills my chest, and I allow my thoughts to wander like I never have before. I thought of her in high school, before I got to know her. Back then, those thoughts were mostly pure. Would she finally notice me in history class? Would she accidentally bump into me in the hall? If she did, when she turned to look at me, would her eyes ever hold recognition and longing?

  My thoughts now are very different from my thoughts back then. Lifting my hand, I pinch the bridge of my nose and scrunch my already closed eyes.

  I've always found Natalie attractive. I'd be lying if I said my eyes never traveled into the front of her shirt if it billowed while she was bending over. These glances were fleeting and never solidified into any concrete thoughts.

  But now? My mind doesn't need her to be here for me to bring up the images. Specifically the one from her bathroom the night she got drunk.

  Hips gently curving, sliding away into her backside. Dark hair tumbling down to the center of her back. The delicate way she lifted one foot, then the other, and slid down into the water.

  What would've happened if I had turned around? Sunk to my knees beside the tub and let my hand drop below the water? It's too easy to imagine.

  A crow screeches somewhere above me, and my eyes open. Nothing about my surroundings has changed in the last thirty seconds, except for the heavy breaths streaming from my body. Standing by myself in the woods probably isn't the best place for my daydream, but fuck it. My eyes close again, and my concentration goes back to that moment, and what Natalie's reaction could've been.

  I've seen her moan over a slice of dark chocolate cake with her head tipping back and her eyes fluttering shut. In my imagination, this is how she's reacting in the bathtub. My heart is pounding now, in my imagination and in reality.

  “Aidan?”

  My whole body tenses. Eyes open, I turn. Disappointment rushes through me, even though I knew it wasn't her voice.

  Anna stands ten feet away, gazing at me with a lopsided smile. “I thought maybe you'd run away.”

  “From my own parents’ house?”

  She shrugs, a shadow of uncertainty dimming her smile.

  I feel bad. None of this is her fault. She’s a pretty girl, and she thought she was coming here to meet a single man. And it's true. I am single. But am I available? I never saw the distinction between those two words until now.

  “Your mom asked me to come and get you. She says it's time for dessert.”

  For a moment I think Anna might turn and walk away as soon as she's finished delivering my mom's message. I wouldn't blame her if she did. But, no. She waits for me and joins me on the walk up to my parents’ house.

  “Natalie seems nice. Does she have a boyfriend?”

  My forearm muscles tense at the mention of Natalie. “No.” My voice is gruff. I could tell Anna that Natalie is fresh from a divorce, but I'm not sure how open Natalie wants to be with that information.

  Anna claps her hands twice. “Oh, good. I have somebody for her.”

  Have somebody for her? Is that a Generation Z way of saying she wants to set Natalie up on a date? I should ask one of my students. Anna is closer in age to them than she is to me. Maybe they'll know.

  “You have to discuss that with her. I'm not sure if she's dating right now.” We reach the back door and I hold it open for her.

  Anna taps my chest with one finger as she passes me on her way into the house. "That I can do."

  After dessert, my mom puts The Christmas Story on TV.

  “It's tradition,” she explains to John, Melinda, and Anna.

  Natalie excuses herself from the room. For the next ninety minutes, the only movement I make is to sink lower into the armchair I'm sitting in. When the movie is finished, everyone gets up and stretches. Natalie must've gone to take a nap, because she never returned.

  John announces they better be getting back, and everyone starts saying their goodbyes. Natalie reappears and says a polite goodbye to my parents’ neighbors.

  “Good, you're back, " Anna says, placing a hand on Natalie’s shoulder. “Aidan said you’re single?”

  Natalie flinches, taken aback. She glances at me, then back to Anna. “Yes. Why?”

  Instead of answering her, Anna turns to me. "Aidan, give me your phone.” She gestures at me with fingers that curl in and back out.

  I know what she's doing, and it's far easier to let it happen than fight it. Especially with an audience.

  Fishing my phone from my pocket, I hand it to her.

  Her fingers fly over the screen, and then she presses a button. A ringing fills the air, and she reaches a hand into a bag and silences it.

  “There,” she grins, pleased with herself. “We've exchanged numbers. Call me next week and we can all go out.”

  “Great,” Natalie says in a voice that sounds delighted to everyone but me. I happen to know that is Natalie's fake voice.

  The neighbors leave, and my mom turns to Natalie after she shuts the door. “I didn't realize you were ready for dating. That's great. Get right back on the horse.”

  Natalie gives me a dirty look. “Yes, apparently I'll be getting back on the horse with a child.”

  “Maybe the guy Anna knows is a successful thirty-year-old man.”

  Natalie raises her eyebrows.

  “But probably not,” I add. This makes her smile.

  My mom rubs Natalie's back. “Nevertheless, it will be good for you.” She looks up at my dad. “You ready? Shawn said he was setting up Catan in your office.”

  “I'm going to kick your ass again,” my dad warns.

  “Only if you promise to kiss it too.” Mom pivots, heading away toward Dad’s
office, and my dad follows.

  “We can probably arrange that,” Dad says, smacking her butt as they go.

  I groan, but Natalie giggles.

  “Where were you during the movie?”

  She purses her lips and shakes her head.

  “You can't tell me?”

  “Nope.”

  I squint at her, trying to determine if she'll break. She stares right back at me, and it's clear she's going to keep the secret.

  “Fine.” I hold up my open palms, showing her I'm giving up. “Do you want to play Catan with my parents?”

  “And Shawn?”

  I nod.

  “Is he staying here too?”

  “Probably.”

  “I'm surprised he's not dating anybody.”

  “Why?” I lean against the backside of the front door. “Do you want to date him?”

  “No.” She rolls her eyes. “I was thinking maybe your new girlfriend could set him up. That seems to be her favorite pastime.”

  I bark a laugh. “Don't ask her to. She probably would. And she's not my girlfriend.”

  “Try telling her that.” Natalie turns on one foot and walks through the entryway. “Come on.” She turns back to me, and now she's walking backward. She motions with a curled pointer finger, switching out between her left and right hands. It almost looks like she's dancing.

  “I’m coming, I'm coming,” I tell her, grinning at her antics. Flashes of my earlier daydream pop into my head, and as hard as I try to push them away, they just won't budge.

  14

  Natalie

  “Aidan,” I whisper, half of my body peering around the open door to his bedroom. It's 12:46 AM. The perfect time for pie.

  Aidan doesn't respond. I walk farther into the room until my knees meet the side of his bed. Reaching out, I gently shake his shoulder. “Aidan,” I whisper, louder this time.

  “Mmmm…” Aidan moans, rolling over onto his back. His eyes open only a little at first, and when he sees it's me, they open fully.

  He glances at the clock on the nightstand and lays his head back down on the pillow. “Natalie? What's going on?”

  “It's time for pie.” I know I don't need any more explanation than that.

  “Pumpkin,” Aidan mutters, his lower lip popping out.

  “Quit pouting and come with me. I have a surprise.” Earlier this evening, when Aidan asked me where I’d been while everyone was watching that movie, I didn't answer him. This is why.

  Aidan pushes back the covers and sits up. He's wearing blue and green flannel pajama pants and a white V-neck. His hair is messy as if somebody had been dragging both their hands through it. As I'm thinking that, Aidan really does drag both his hands through his hair, and I wonder if this is something he always does after he wakes.

  I step back to allow space for him to stand. He takes in my outfit and smirks.

  “It's a nightshirt,” I explain, my fingers running over the ivory lace on the end of the sleeve.

  “Matronly.”

  I blow out an annoyed breath and turn for the door. “I’m staying with my best friend’s parents. Lingerie seemed like it would be a bit too much.”

  “No way,” Aidan says in voice still thick with sleep. “There is never a bad time for lingerie.”

  I can think of one million ways to refute his statement, but he would disagree with every one of them, so instead, I choose to keep my mouth shut.

  Quietly we creep down the stairs. We both know we don't need to sneak, but it adds to the excitement of waking up for dessert in the middle of the night.

  When we reach the first floor, I grab Aidan's hand and pull him to the kitchen. I flip on the lights, and both of us blink at the harshness.

  “Here,” Aidan says, leaning over and flipping off the light I turned on. He walks a few feet away and flips a different switch. Soft light spills onto the countertops from underneath the top cabinets.

  “Better,” he says. “Now, where’s that pie?”

  Grinning, I execute an excited walk with some fancy footwork and make it to the pantry without tripping over myself. Aidan smiles.

  “Your silly side is coming back. It's nice to see.”

  I pause, my hand on the handle of the pantry door. “I didn't realize it went anywhere."

  Aidan stays quiet but only because he doesn't need to say anything more. Of course my sense of humor left. It's slowly seeped out of me, dripping all over the wood floor of the apartment Henry and I shared.

  Opening the pantry, I step in and retrieve the pie. I walk out, the pie extended and say, “Ta da!”

  Aidan's eyes widened. “Is this what you were doing during the movie?”

  I nod. “Maple pumpkin pie and cinnamon graham cracker crust with—” I set the pie on the counter and go to the fridge, returning with a glass bowl. “Maple whipped cream.”

  Aidan places a hand over his heart and groans.

  Grabbing two plates from the cabinet, I cut two oversized slices and drop a giant mound of whipped cream on the top of them.

  Aidan hands me a plate, grabs his own, and leads the way into the living room. He presses a button near the fireplace and flames automatically roar to life.

  We both settle onto the couch, our feet propped up on the long gray tufted ottoman.

  “Oh my god,” Aidan says after taking his first bite. “Heaven.”

  “Mmmm,” I moan in agreement.

  “I'm telling my mom you should make the pie from now on.”

  “Don't you dare.” The pie has always been Aidan's mom's thing. I don't want to step on her toes.

  After that, neither of us talk. The only sound in the room is the crackling flames and our forks scraping our plates.

  When he's finished, Aidan gets up.

  “Where are you going?” I ask.

  Aidan looks down at me. He is backlit by the fire and he looks so handsome. If it weren't for his aversion to relationships, he would've been snapped up a long time ago. I know how lucky I am to have him.

  “To hide the pie,” Aidan grins mischievously. “Sharing is caring, but not when it comes to that pie. I'll be right back,” he says, bending down to scoop up my empty plate and fork. I lean back into the couch cushions and take a deep breath.

  With a full belly and the fire crackling in this beautiful house, it’s the most content I’ve felt in a long time. I gaze out of the living room windows into the night. It must be a full moon, or somewhere close to that, because moonlight spills through the trees, illuminating the outside chairs and fire pit. Just beyond that is the guest house where Shawn sleeps. I look toward it and see movement through the French doors of the guest house.

  Maybe Shawn wants a midnight snack too.

  Chuckling lightly, I start to turn away when I see more movement. A second person.

  I guess Shawn is already having a snack. A very specific kind.

  The second person steps into a swath of moonlight, and everything inside me seizes.

  Shawn's hand reaches, caressing the face of the second person, and he leans in for a kiss.

  Aidan's dad leans in too.

  “Oh my fuck,” I say, turning away from them. Embarrassment slips through the cracks in my shock. I wasn’t spying on them… I didn’t mean to see…

  “What's wrong?” Aidan rounds the couch and sits down beside me.

  “Nothing,” my voice squeaks as I say it. I can't tell him. How do you tell your best friend that his father is cheating on his mother? With his best friend, of all people? Oh my god oh my god oh my god. My fingers are shaking.

  I peek at Aidan, but he's not looking at me. He is gazing out of the windows, seeing what I saw.

  His jaw is set in a hard line. There is no hint of surprise in his eyes.

  “You know?” I whisper.

  He rips his gaze away from the guest house. Staring into the fire, there is a hardly perceptible nod of his head.

  “How long?”

  Aidan doesn't answer, and his jaw remains tense.
/>
  My insides start to feel hot, and it's not from the fire. How dare Diego do this to his mom? How dare Shawn? How can a love story as amazing as theirs end up this way?

  “Don't you want to kill him? To kill them both? I do.” I sit back on the couch, my arms crossed in front of me, and stare at the flames licking against the walls of the fireplace.

  The fire doesn't care about this middle of the night revelation, and it doesn't appear as though Aidan does either. Aside from his tension, he doesn't seem that upset.

  As a woman, shouldn't I do something? Female solidarity, and all that? Don't I owe it to Aidan's mom to tell her what's happening under her nose? Unless…. Maybe she wouldn't want to know.

  “Come on.” Aidan surprises me by standing up suddenly. He reaches down for my hand and pulls me up with him. Keeping a tight grip on my hand, we walk together across the living room to turn off the fire, both of us avoiding looking out the windows. When the fire is out, and the only light is from the moon shining in through the windows, Aidan looks down at me.

  “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  I've never seen such vulnerability on his face. “Yes,” I hear myself say, even though I haven't taken more than a moment to consider the possible repercussions of what he's asking. He turns, leading me back through the dark house. When we are in my room, he closes the door behind us. This is another line we are crossing, and the air around us is thick with our awareness.

  We climb into the bed. The sheets are cold, sending a shiver down my body.

  Aidan reaches, pulling me into him. Pushing my hair back from my face, he gathers it into a loose coil and releases it onto the pillow behind me.

  We are quiet, our eyes closed. We are breathing the same air, closer to one another than we've ever been before.

  Aidan's breathing gets heavier, and before he drifts off, I ask the question that’s been running through my mind like NYSE ticker tape. “Why haven't you told her?”

  Seconds pass, and I open my eyes. Aidan is staring at me. He opens his mouth, and his whispered answer floats over me.

  “She already knows.”