Library of Absolution

by Jennifer Derrick

  "Just say what is in your hearts," Adil said.

  Alarick cleared his throat. "I wish I had a gift for words, for expressing myself, but even though I've come some way in that regard, I still flounder terribly. I can only do the best I can."

  He took a deep breath and continued. "The day you arrived in my life was the day I began to live again. For too many years I'd been closeted away with my bitterness, regret, and rage. Those things had become comforts to me, securities against the pain of reality. They were my protections against messy entanglements that could only end badly. But clinging to them also left me half the man I could be.

  "I don't know if it was through kindness or pure stubbornness, but you managed to bypass all of it. You saw me, not the monster I had become. You saw the man I once was and could be again. I was broken, and you restored me. You offered me absolution when I deserved none. Your love and guidance brought me to a place of acceptance and even happiness that I could never have reached on my own. For all of that, I owe you my life. I may not be everything I could have been, but if you will have me, all that I am is yours.

  "I love you and will do my best to be the man you deserve from this day forward. You will be a legend someday, Elissa Stone, and I will do everything I can to make your mission as a Book Mesmer a success. It would be an honor to be even a footnote next to your name when they write your history."

  Finished, he turned to Adil and nodded. Adil touched Elissa's shoulder and whispered, "Your turn."

  "If I can," Elissa said, letting go of Alarick's hands just long enough to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Hands clutched firmly back in his, she began.

  "Alarick, you told me once that we could save each other. You were wrong. You say I've given you back your life, but what you've done for me has been nothing short of miraculous. Saving me from the Ministry would have been enough, but what you've done to give me back my ability and my independence since I lost my sight has truly saved my life.

  "You recognized that I was on the path to the bitterness and regret which had so tarnished your own life and did everything in your power to arrest my own downward spiral. You say I saved you, but you saved yourself. Through your selflessness in helping me, you rediscovered your own goodness and capacity for love. You saved us both. I only had the good sense to stand back and let it happen. And to love you.

  "I only hope our lives are long enough that I will get to see so much more of the miracle that is you. You are capable of greatness, Alarick Brandon, and it will be my honor to be by your side and watch every day as you become the man I, and our dear friend Marius, knew all along you could be."

  Adil wiped a tear from his own eye. "Does anyone here object to anything said and promised here today?" he asked the crowd.

  No one said a word. Only the rustling of the sand in the wind broke the silence.

  "Then it is my honor to pronounce you husband and wife, and to say that having witnessed your commitment to each other, I wish you all the best and a long and happy life together."

  "Wait," Alarick said. "I almost forgot." He let go of Elissa's hands and pulled the ring off his pinky finger.

  "All that work last night and you forgot?" Adil chided.

  "This experience has been a bit harrowing," Alarick said.

  Elissa, who could not see what was going on, asked, "What is it?"

  Alarick took her left hand in his right and slipped the ring onto the third finger of her left hand.

  "It fits," he breathed. "I wasn't certain we'd guessed the size correctly."

  She pulled her hand from his to touch the ring. "Describe it to me," she said.

  "It's a wand — my wand — entwined with a paintbrush. Micah, Adil's silversmith, made it for me. For you. The design was really his idea."

  Alarick watched as Elissa's fingers felt the two different pieces of the ring, committing each to memory.

  "It's beautiful," she said finally. "Is Micah here?"

  "He is," Adil said, beckoning him forward.

  Micah lightly touched Elissa on the shoulder when he approached, and she turned to him. "Thank you," she said, leaning up and giving him a peck on the cheek.

  "I'm just glad you said yes," he whispered to her and Alarick laughed.

  Turning back to Alarick, she said, "It's everything I could have hoped for. You are everything I could have hoped for."

  Alarick arched an eyebrow at Adil. "Are we finished?" he asked.

  "Kiss her, you fool," Adil said.

  Alarick did just that, to the whoops and cheers of the assembled guests.

  Later, after many toasts had been drunk in their honor at an impromptu reception in the dining hall, Alarick and Elissa returned to their rooms.

  "What an incredible night," Elissa said, fingering her new wedding band. "I couldn't think of a better way to start our life together."

  Alarick stopped, cloak in hand hovering over the peg by the door. Our life together. The phrase reverberated through his brain. Of course he'd known that's what marriage meant. A life together. It was what he wanted more than anything. But now that it was his. Now that she was his… It was…

  "Incredible," he echoed, as he dropped the cloak on the peg and turned to face her.

  She stood before the fireplace that must have been lighted by some kind, sneaky soul. Backlit by the fire, she seemed to glow gold and red, a perfect match to the desert outside yet even more beautiful.

  To Alarick, she was also just as wild and dangerous as the shifting sands outside. Not to mention as elusive as any desert mirage. She now held the power to destroy him, to flay his heart as surely as any sandstorm could flay his skin and bury him forever. And he still wasn't certain she wouldn't vanish the minute he touched her.

  Alarick paused, uncertain. He desperately wanted to touch her. In fact, he was fairly certain she wanted him to do so, judging by the expectant look on her face. It was their wedding night, after all. He just didn't know how to make the first move. And it was his to make, wasn't it? Emotions swirled in his brain making it impossible to think. He was a man who relied on logic, but logic would not help him now, even if he could string two thoughts together. How to cross that last barrier between them? How to give her the last piece of his heart that still sheltered in the darkness of his soul?

  As if she sensed his dilemma, she sat down on the nearest pillow and extended a hand to him.

  "Sit by me," she said.

  Alarick took her hand and sat down next to her, his shoulder touching hers.

  "The only thing that could have made today more perfect is if I could have seen your face when we pledged to each other," she said.

  "I'm sorry. I didn't think it through. I should have let you touch me during that part."

  "It's wouldn't have been the same," she sighed. "Most of the time I don't mind having to see through touch. It's not so bad. Today was just one of those days I would have traded anything to see you."

  Alarick lifted her gently and placed her on his lap. It wasn't an easy feat given that the pillows threatened to dump them off at any moment. Stabilized, he took her hands in his and guided them to his face, letting her fingers roam where they would.

  "You would have seen a true rarity on my face — a broad smile," he said. "I was the happiest I've ever been. You've made me a very happy man, Elissa Brandon."

  "Elissa Brandon," she whispered. "In all the chaos, I forgot that my name has changed."

  "It doesn't have to," Alarick said. "If you would be more comfortable keeping your last name, I will not mind."

  But he would mind, he thought. He wanted her to take his name, to claim herself as his. It would be her decision, though, without undue influence from him.

  "No," she said. "I want all of you, including your name."

  She removed her hands from his face and dropped them to his shoulders. He watched her as they sat frozen like that for a moment, suspended in a moment of uncertainty. Then Alarick reached around and cupped the back of her head, pulling her toward him.
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  Their lips met, soft and sweet at first but growing hungrier with each passing minute. Soon he was kissing her neck, desperate for more.

  "I want all of you, Alarick Brandon," she repeated, reaching for his neck and untying his cravat. She pulled it free from his collar and discarded it on the floor. "All of you."

  Her hands moved to the buttons of his coat.

  "So many buttons," she laughed against his mouth as he kissed her while she worked each button free from his neck to his waist.

  When she finally had the front unbuttoned she pushed it away from his shoulders, but more buttons at his wrists stopped her from pulling the sleeves free of his arms.

  "I hope your tailor doesn't charge per button," she said as she unbuttoned first the left then the right sleeve.

  Finally, the coat slipped off, leaving him in his shirt and trousers. Elissa ran her hands up his arms and when she encountered the slightly open neck of the shirt, she lowered her head to kiss his neck and the hollow of his collarbones.

  Her hands worked the buttons of his shirt and all the while her mouth moved along his skin. When she spread his shirt open, he leaned back on his hands to give her fuller access and to keep himself from simply grabbing her and taking what he wanted.

  Elissa's hands roamed his chest, touching and learning what her eyes could not see. He was grateful she couldn't see him. His skin was the white of a man who rarely worked outside or swam in rivers, a man who never wasted childhood summer afternoons daydreaming in a field. His was the skin of a man with an interior, solitary life. It looked pathetic next to her healthy, rosy glow.

  When her hands roamed to his stomach and traced the line of dark hair down to the waistband of his trousers, a tornado roared through his head, obscuring all thought and reason. All the bindings on his emotions snapped, releasing the animal part of himself that had, for decades, been beaten into submission by his will.

  Now it burst forth. Alarick reared up and gathered Elissa into his arms, reaching behind her to undo the buttons of her dress. Thank heavens her dress was far simpler than his coat; otherwise he would have ripped it off in his haste to bare her to him.

  Finding some measure of control, he pushed the top of the dress down to her waist and simply looked at the magnificence of her.

  "Touch me, Alarick," she whispered, and whatever control he'd managed to hold onto fled from him.

  He laid her back on the pillows and took her breasts in his hands, gently rubbing the nipples with his thumbs and marveling when she moaned at the pleasure of his touch. Unable to restrain himself, he lowered his mouth to her peaks, suckling first one, then the other as her hands pushed his hair back from his face. She knotted his hair in her hands and held him to her.

  Impatient, he pushed her dress down past her hips and tossed it across the room. Bared completely to him, she shuddered and raised her arms over her head, giving him access to all of herself. His hands roamed over her breasts, lips trailing behind, ever downward, touching and kissing his way across her stomach.

  The remains of the Ministry's brands shone as faint silver scars across her belly in the firelight. His healers had done a masterful job of erasing as much damage as possible. It was impossible to tell what each brand had been. Still Alarick kissed each one, acknowledging the pain she had endured, especially since she'd incurred some of that pain on his behalf, protecting him and the Keep.

  Moving further down, he kissed her hipbones and ran his hands up her thighs, parting her legs. When his hand cupped her, she writhed against him and whimpered.

  "Please," she whispered.

  "Please what?" he asked, lips teasing his way back up her stomach to her breasts and finally laughing lightly against her mouth.

  "All of you," she whispered, bringing her arms around to clutch him to her so that his skin burned against hers.

  Her fingers fumbled at his waist, seeking the buttons of his trousers. Sensing that she needed help, he reluctantly pulled away from her and stood, shucking off his boots and pants. Fully naked, he stretched out beside her on the pillows and she turned to him, her hands eager to see the last of him.

  When she touched him, he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from groaning at the joy of her soft fingers against his virgin skin. Her fingers trailed along his thighs and around to cup his buttocks and pull him closer to her. He shifted, trying to get closer to her, but the pillows thwarted him, rolling under him and casting him onto the floor.

  Elissa giggled and even Alarick had to laugh at the ridiculousness of the pillows. Pretty they might be, but they were not in any way suitable for lovemaking, especially not for a man as tall as himself. He might have been able to control two pillows, but given that his frame took up four of the things, he simply couldn't corral that many disparate entities into any kind of stable foundation.

  "Bugger this," he said, standing and scooping her up in his arms. "I'm not consummating my marriage on a shifting mound of pillows. We're both likely to injure ourselves."

  "Where are we going?" she asked.

  "To the damn bed, like normal people."

  She laughed as he carried her into the bedroom. "I think you know there's nothing normal about us," she said, hooking her arms around his neck.

  "I know it," he said as he laid her down on the bed and stretched out next to her. "But just for one night, we're going to try."

  Smiling, she opened her legs again at his questing touch and cried out when he rubbed her gently. He let out a moan of his own when her fingers found him and gently caressed his length.

  "Oh, I like to hear you moan, Master Brandon," she teased him.

  "Do you, now?" he asked as he levered onto his elbows and settled himself between her thighs.

  "What about you, Mrs. Brandon?" he asked as he rested at her entrance. "Will you moan for me?"

  "Let's find out," she said as she cupped his buttocks and guided him into her.

  As he entered, she gasped, and he stopped, unwilling to hurt her.

  "Are you all right?" he asked, fighting for the control necessary not to simply plunge into her and take what he wanted.

  She nodded, but tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. "Don't stop," she said.

  "You're crying. I won't hurt you," he said as he pulled back.

  "It's not pain. It's joy, you fool. Please," she whispered, tugging him deeper.

  Alarick let out an even longer moan as he slid fully into the glorious warmth of her, finally home after too many years out in the cold.

  After a moment to allow her to adjust to the invasion, he began to move as slowly as he could, wanting to prolong this for both of them. Soon, though, slow was just a memory, lost in her questing hands and mouth and her body that met his thrust for thrust. She cried out beneath him, inarticulate whimpers and moans that drove him further and faster.

  She cupped his face in her hands, rubbing her thumbs over his lips and cheeks, memorizing what he was certain was a look of pleasured terror. Elissa crested first and cried out under him. Her animal noise of release spurred him on and he plunged after her, free falling into oblivion. Unsure whether he would land softly or fall into darkness, he tried to stop, tried to keep this last piece of his heart from her. Protect yourself, his brain screamed. Too late, screamed his heart in return as he spiraled through the ecstasy of her.

  "No," Alarick grunted, bracing himself against the loss of his heart's last bastion.

  "Alarick," she whispered, looking up at him with trusting eyes that could not see the torment on his face. "Come with me."

  And he did, losing the last of himself in her as he cried her name to the sky. He was hers, at last and completely. Nothing he could do would retrieve his heart from her hands. It was hers to cherish or to break.

  Spent, he dropped his head onto Elissa's breast in defeat. Her arms came immediately around him, sheltering him. From what, he did not know. Something inside him felt terribly fragile and exposed, but not broken. No, not broken, even though he'd fully expected l
oving her to break him. That it hadn't was a miracle.

  Gently, she brushed his hair from his sweaty brow and continued to smooth her hands over his hair and back, whispering words he couldn't understand. As reason returned, he began to make sense of her words.

  "I know what that cost you," she whispered. "And I thank you for giving me the gift of yourself."

  Stunned, he raised his head.

  "What it cost me?"

  She nodded. "I know how tightly you control yourself. I know how long you've kept every emotion locked down inside your heart, fearing rejection and pain. It couldn't have been easy to give me that last piece of yourself, but you did. For that, I am grateful."

  "You made it easy for me," he said, kissing her forehead lightly, utterly amazed that his feelings, so opaque even to himself at times, were so obvious to her.

  "I love you, Alarick Brandon, and I'm not going anywhere. Not tonight, not ever. Here," she said, as she drew his head back down to her breast. "Lay your head for now."

  He did, inhaling the sweet scent of her. She tugged the bedspread over them, cocooning them in warmth. Alarick felt the rise and fall of her breath, the strong thump of her heartbeat, the softly murmured endearments she continued to whisper into his hair.

  "I love you," he whispered before sleep claimed him.

  Alarick and Elissa opted to take the next day off from work. The scholars would continue to make progress in their absence, preparing summaries for Elissa and translating works for Alarick, but there wasn't much left to do. Adil's library was nearly complete, their time in the desert near its end. It would soon be time to move on.

  There wasn't time for a proper honeymoon, but Alarick requested that their meals be delivered to their room for one day, if it wasn't too much trouble. Adil was happy to accede to the request. Locked in relative privacy, Alarick and Elissa continued what they'd begun the night before.

  They barely left the bed, although Elissa did talk Alarick into trying the pillows, after all. He was surprised to find that it wasn't horrible, especially if he let her ride him and he had only to lie still. The pillows added a level of challenge and humor to the proceedings that, if nothing else, provided fodder for conversations they might have in later years. He could already hear himself saying, "Do you remember those damn pillows at Adil's?" and see Elissa laughing as she remembered his attempts to stay on them.