Skulduggery Pleasant

by Derek Landy

  Gently, he broke off the kiss. “You’re … not real.”

  “Of course I’m real,” she said. She kissed him quickly. “You felt that, didn’t you?” She kissed him again. “And you felt that, right? Valkyrie may not have loved you,” she whispered. “But I can.”

  When Fletcher was gone, Stephanie went downstairs and changed Alice’s nappy, then picked up her little sister and smothered her with kisses. Alice laughed so hard she made Stephanie laugh, and just when the laughter was subsiding Stephanie blew a giant raspberry on Alice’s neck that set her off again.

  Their mum walked in, smiling.

  “Mammy!” Alice said, delighted. “It’s mammy!”

  Stephanie passed her over. “You’d swear she hadn’t seen you in days.”

  “Oh, she’s a drama queen,” her mum said as Alice wrapped her little arms round her neck. “Were you on the phone just now? I could have sworn I heard two voices coming from upstairs.”

  “Radio,” said Stephanie. “Oh, listen, I was thinking I might head over to Gordon’s for a few days.”

  The smile faded on her mother’s face. “When?”

  Stephanie shrugged. “Now, actually.”

  “Do you think that’s wise? The last time you were alone in a house, we were burgled and you were attacked by a crazy girl. And that’s the second time you’ve been attacked in this house.”

  “But I’ve never been attacked in Gordon’s house,” she said, and technically that was true.

  “Steph, I don’t know if I like the idea of you being alone.”

  Stephanie smiled. “So what should I do? Develop a phobia about it? Mum, I’ll be fine. I just want to spend a few days by myself, reading books and, you know … thinking about what I’m going to do with my life and stuff.”

  “And ‘stuff’, eh? Have you had any more thoughts on that?”

  “Some thoughts,” said Stephanie. “No decisions. Not yet. I just need to clear my head.”

  Her mum took a moment. “OK, but you call every hour to let me know if you’re OK.”

  “Maybe not every hour.”

  “But close enough.”

  “I’ll do my best. I’m just going to change and grab my bag and then I’ll be gone. Love you.”

  “Love you back,” said her mum, and they hugged and Stephanie kissed Alice and then she climbed the stairs to her room.

  All she’d ever cared about was her family. All she’d ever wanted was to live the life of a normal girl. And now that Valkyrie was gone, all of Stephanie’s dreams were coming true. It should have been perfect. She could now spend time with her parents and her sister while Skulduggery and the others fought their magical wars and dealt with Darquesse.

  Only she couldn’t let other people fight for her. That’s not who she was. She had to do something. She had to help. Darquesse was as much her problem as anyone’s. And what if Skulduggery faltered? What if he couldn’t bring himself to deliver the killing blow if the opportunity presented itself? Then Darquesse would more than likely kill him, and who’d be next? Everyone?

  Stephanie got changed into Valkyrie’s black clothes and took the Sceptre from its hiding place, placing it and Valkyrie’s stick into a bag already half filled with fresh underwear and T-shirts. She took her phone, transferred some money into her pockets, and grabbed her bag. Then she got in the Oompa-Loompa, and drove to Gordon’s.

  She used the back road, the hidden road, approaching the house from the rear, and stopped the car before anyone had a chance to hear the engine. Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she jogged up to the utility door, used her key to open it and slipped inside. Immediately she heard raised voices.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” Vex was saying, almost shouting. “The biggest threat the world has ever seen and you had a chance to do something about it and you didn’t!”

  Skulduggery’s response was too low-key to travel, but Vex’s came through clear as day.

  “Bull! You didn’t do what needed to be done because you’re too close to her! You couldn’t bring yourself to do it and now look, look what’s happened. Valkyrie’s gone. Darquesse is free. She’s out there. And that’s your fault.”

  Stephanie crept out of the utility room, went to the library and took down a set of encyclopaedias. She slid open the hidden hatch and peered into the living room. Skulduggery was standing in the middle of the room. He wasn’t wearing a hat. Vex and Saracen and the Monster Hunters were on their feet, facing him. Fletcher was against the far wall and Sanguine was standing next to Tanith, who was the only one seated.

  Gordon came into view, his head down, his face creased with worry. “What do we do?” he asked. “How do we get her back? This is her worst nightmare. This is the one thing she was terrified of.”

  Vex glared at him. “You knew about this?”

  “Of course I knew,” Gordon snapped, “I’m her uncle. I don’t care if I’m not the real Gordon, I’m real enough to love my niece.”

  Vex shook his head. “Anyone else know about this little secret?”

  Tanith raised her hand. “Me.”

  Sanguine stared at her in surprise. “You knew? Why didn’t you tell me? It seems to me that this is information that could be shared with someone you’re gonna marry.”

  “Please don’t remind us of that,” said Saracen. “It really creeps us out.”

  Vex looked back at Skulduggery. “We went looking for the God-Killers to stop Darquesse. We risked our lives.”

  “And if you had told me what you had planned,” said Skulduggery, “I would have talked you out of it.”

  Vex went to the nearest chair and sat in it heavily. He sighed. “There was a time when you wouldn’t have hesitated to kill her.”

  “Yeah,” said Saracen, “you really picked a great time to soften up on us.”

  “She can still be saved,” Skulduggery said.

  “How?” Donegan asked.

  “I just need to talk to her. If I talk to her, I can calm her down. I can bring Valkyrie back, you don’t have to worry. I’ve done it before.”

  “How do you know she won’t just kill you before you have a chance?”

  “Because Darquesse likes to play games. That’s what you have to understand about her. In her own way, she’s an innocent. Every time she emerges, she discovers something new about herself, something more she can do. She’ll pull your arms and legs off, but there won’t be anything malicious behind it. She just wants to find out how easy it is.”

  “Yeah,” said Gracious. “That really sounds like we shouldn’t worry.”

  “I trusted Valkyrie before,” Skulduggery said. “I trust her now.”

  Vex looked at him. “You really think you can reach her?”

  “I just need to get close enough to talk.”

  “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  Skulduggery tilted his head. “Me too.”

  “See?” Tanith said to Sanguine. “Now you take everything they said and you pretend we said it and you won’t be so mad at me any more.”

  Sanguine looked unimpressed. “That ain’t how this works.”

  “Excuse me for a moment,” Saracen said, walking out of the room.

  “So is that it?” Donegan asked. “Are we finished arguing about this now? Because we still have to figure out what we’re going to do about Roarhaven. We intercepted the convoy, we’ve locked those shield experts away where no one can find them, so now the way is clear, right? Now that we have Fletcher back, we can just teleport in. Anything else we should take into consideration?”

  “Things have been happening quickly over the last two days,” Skulduggery said. “Mantis still takes its orders from what remains of the original Supreme Council, but at the rate those original members are falling, those orders could stop coming at any moment.”

  “Maybe Mantis will give up and go home and the war will be over,” said Fletcher.

  “Maybe,” said Skulduggery, “but Mantis isn’t our primary concern. The Warlocks are. On
ce Charivari is dealt with and the Engineer has shut down the Accelerator, we can start looking for other people to hit – Erskine Ravel being number one on our list.”

  There was a click behind Stephanie and she froze, and a soft voice said, “Turn around.” She turned, slowly.

  Saracen stood there, finger on the trigger of the gun pointed at her. “Apparently you can heal gunshot wounds to the head. If you make any sudden moves, I’m going to let you prove it.”

  She swallowed. “I’m not Darquesse.”

  “If you’re Valkyrie, why are you spying on us?”

  “I’m not Valkyrie, either. I’m Stephanie. I’m her reflection.”

  “You’re not a reflection.”

  “I am, I swear.”

  Saracen frowned, and the gun dipped. “Good God. You’re not like any reflection I’ve ever seen. You’re practically … human.”

  “I am human,” she said. “I’m Stephanie.”

  He looked at her for another moment, then motioned to her. Taking a deep breath, she closed the hatch and followed him. He walked into the living room first, but she faltered just outside the doorway.

  “We have a guest,” she heard him say. “And before any of you overreact, you need to know that even though it looks like the real thing, even to us, this is actually Valkyrie’s reflection. It calls itself Stephanie.”

  Stephanie walked in. Fletcher looked surprised to see her, but Vex and the Monster Hunters looked astonished. They came over immediately, peering at her, stopping just short of prodding her. Behind them, Tanith and Sanguine stood watching, and Gordon frowned in puzzlement.

  “Step away from it,” Skulduggery said.

  Vex and Saracen went one way, Gracious and Donegan the other. Stephanie looked at Skulduggery and she felt afraid.

  “I’m not an it,” she managed to say.

  “You’re wearing her clothes,” said Skulduggery. “Just more things for you to steal. You got what you wanted, though. You made her run from her mother. You took her life and her family. So why are you here?”

  “What was that?” asked Fletcher. “Val ran from her mum?”

  “It tried to kill her,” Skulduggery said, and now Fletcher was looking at her like she was some kind of thing, some kind of inhuman creature. There was something else in his eyes, too. A kind of hurt.

  “I can explain,” she said, but they were already starting to ignore her words.

  “How did it get like this?” Vex asked. “Leaving aside the homicidal tendencies for a moment, how did it get so real?”

  “This is fascinating,” said Gracious. “Did you alter the conjuring sigil? I always thought the sigil could be improved, but who has the time to focus on reflections? But this one. It’s magnificent.”

  “I’m not an it!” Stephanie said sharply. “I’m a her! I’m a person! My name is Stephanie Edgley. My parents are Melissa and Desmond Edgley and my sister is Alice. I live in Haggard in County Dublin.”

  “And you murdered Valkyrie Cain’s cousin,” Skulduggery said.

  Stephanie went quiet. Fletcher collapsed into a chair.

  “I did what I had to do,” Stephanie said, her voice brittle. “The only things I care about in this world are my parents and my sister. I care about them because my whole purpose was to pretend to be Valkyrie and pretend to care about her family. Only it stopped being an act. I stopped pretending and I started caring. I love them. I’d do anything to protect them. That’s why I’m here. You’re going to need all the help you can get to stop Darquesse.”

  Skulduggery tilted his head. “You think you’re coming with us? You think you can take Valkyrie’s place?”

  “We’re the same person.”

  “You’re a thing who murdered Valkyrie’s cousin.”

  “And she’s a thing who will murder the world,” Stephanie said, anger biting into her voice. “Skulduggery, you don’t want to hear it, I know you don’t, but I am her. I don’t have her magic, but I have everything else she had. And I have the Sceptre.”

  “The Sceptre of the Ancients?” Tanith asked.

  “That was destroyed,” said Donegan. “Wasn’t that destroyed? Didn’t I read that somewhere?”

  “This is the Sceptre from the alternate reality,” Stephanie said, “the one Mevolent rules. It’s bonded to me. And correct me if I’m wrong, but we’re kind of lacking a few God-Killer weapons right about now, aren’t we? When Darquesse turns up, I’ll be the only one able to stop her.”

  “Or we could kill you here and now,” said Skulduggery, “and take the Sceptre off your hands.”

  “You won’t kill me.”

  “You’re so sure?”

  “You won’t kill—”

  Skulduggery took his gun from its holster and Stephanie’s mouth went dry. He thumbed back the hammer and aimed right between her eyes.

  “Skulduggery,” said Vex, “just hold on a second …”

  “It’s not Valkyrie,” Skulduggery said. “It’s not a real person.”

  Saracen took a small step forward. “You just can’t shoot her.”

  “It’s not a her.”

  “I think we should all calm down for a moment,” said Gordon.

  “Please don’t kill me,” Stephanie said quietly.

  Fletcher appeared between them. “Stop.”

  Skulduggery’s voice was cold. “Get out of my way.”

  But Fletcher held his ground. “What if Val doesn’t come back? You’re going to let her folks think she just ran away, or something horrible happened to her? The whole point of having the reflection in the first place was to step in when Valkyrie wasn’t around. Killing Stephanie wouldn’t be about justice or making the world a better place, it’d be about you and your anger. That’s all. Valkyrie would want us to think of her parents and Alice at a time like this, you know she would.”

  Tanith brushed by Skulduggery and gestured at Fletcher to step aside. “Move it, hairdo. I’ll sort this out.” She looked Stephanie up and down. “Look at you. You’re a marvel, is what you are. You’re something to behold. And I’m not like these guys, I know what you mean when you say you are Stephanie. Of course you are. I happen to be very discerning when it comes to friends, and you? You are someone I could see myself being friends with. But the real question here, Stephanie, is not are you a person, or can you be trusted. No. The real question is—”

  Tanith’s sword flashed from its scabbard and Stephanie barely had time to flinch before Skulduggery came crashing into them both. Stephanie hit the ground, tangled beneath all those arms and legs. The sword came to a rest on the carpet beside her. Saracen went to snatch it up when Sanguine hit him, sent him spinning.

  Hands grabbed her, dragged her out from the scuffle. Fletcher, pulling her to her feet, and then in a heartbeat they were in a quiet apartment and it was dark outside.

  “Thanks,” said Stephanie.

  Fletcher said nothing. Without turning on any lights, he moved to the other rooms, checking them. He came back and she felt an irrational need to fill the silence between them.

  “I shouldn’t be surprised, I suppose,” she said. “Tanith was only part of the group to make sure Valkyrie stayed safe until Darquesse could emerge. Now that Darquesse is out, Tanith can go back to being the enemy. And, since I have the Sceptre, I’m the biggest threat to Darquesse. Stands to reason she’d try to kill me.”

  Fletcher murmured something.

  She looked around. “Are we in Australia? Is this your place?”

  “Yeah,” he said. “Well, it was. Don’t know why I chose to come here.”

  “Maybe you still think of it as home.”

  “That’d be pretty messed up of me, then, wouldn’t it? So which one did you kill? Carol or Crystal?”

  Stephanie looked away. “Carol.”

  “Does Crystal know what happened?”

  “They don’t know anything’s different. Carol’s reflection took over from her. I made sure.”

  “Well, aren’t you nice?”

  �
��I … I wish I could say that I didn’t want to have to kill her, but honestly … at the time I didn’t see it as being wrong. I mean, I knew it was a terrible thing to do, but I didn’t feel one way or the other about it.”

  “And now you do?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? Because you’re suddenly so close to being human? Isn’t that convenient? Just when we find out about it, you start to feel guilt. You poor thing.”

  “Fletch …”

  “You know what? I believe you when you say you’re not an it. I believe you when you say you’re a person.”

  “Thank you.”

  “No problem. And, as a person, I really don’t like you.”

  “Yeah,” she said.

  He vanished. She stayed where she was and a moment later he returned, took hold of her arm, and then they were back in Gordon’s living room. A small section of floor was cracked, and Gracious was in the process of pulling a rug over it.

  Skulduggery looked at her. “Tanith and Sanguine have decided to spend some time away from us. You’re not going to be safe at home, so you’re coming to Roarhaven with us. You have the Sceptre with you?”

  “It’s in her bag,” said Saracen.

  “Then we can leave immediately,” Skulduggery said. “Fletcher, what is the remotest part of the Sanctuary you’ve been to that’s near the Accelerator Room?”

  “Probably one of the bathrooms,” Fletcher said. “There’s one on the third level down that’s full of leaky pipes? It’s pretty horrible and it’s always cold.”

  “Sounds perfect,” said Skulduggery, and his gun floated into his hand.

  hey teleported into the bathroom. It was dark and smelled bad. Skulduggery held up his left hand, reading the air, then he moved to the door and peeked out. Stephanie sneaked out after him with the others. They got to the corner and Skulduggery went on ahead. Stephanie heard a strangled cry, and then silence. Moments later, she was stepping over the unconscious form of a Roarhaven mage, into the Accelerator Room. Skulduggery was already talking to the Engineer.

  “Who are you loyal to?” he asked.

  “I am loyal to myself,” said the Engineer. “And to the Accelerator.”