Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  “‘Em…” Ailsa blinked and found herself staring at the rune she had had inked into her hand before she had known any better. Or worse, before she had known what her destiny held in store for her. She rarely looked at it these days. It was the palms of her hands she searched. Looking, always looking for the meaning of the lines. Trying to decipher her life line. Trying to understand why she was alive and not dead like the others. Trying to understand what great destiny or purpose had kept her in this life.

  “That’s a No then?” The slight bitterness was back in his voice.

  “I don’t know. Look,” she heard the anger flair up before she noticed it beating in her chest. “If you didn’t want to drive me then why did you? Steph was going to take me, so you didn’t have to…”

  She watched Zach frown and run a wide hand through his hair. For a moment, she wondered whether he was thinking of turning around. But the she felt his hand reach for hers, covering the tattoo and the palm of her hand at once. “Look,” he sighed. “I’m sorry I’m being such an asshole. I’ll try to stop.” He looked over at her and managed an unconvincing half-smile.

  “Try harder!” She tried to smile back, hitting him playfully on the shoulder. “I’m not a big fan of grumpy Zach.”

  “Grumpy…” He snorted. “That’s a kind word for it.”

  “Well what can I say?” She smiled, putting her arm around his shoulder at last. “I like you.”

  “Like me. Hmmm, you more than ‘liked me’ last night if I’m remembering…”

  Ailsa used her fingers to dig into his ribs, and Zach jumped, a laugh finally escaping him as he tried to keep the wheel of the truck steady. He glanced over at her, and his brown eyes met her blue ones.

  “Yeah. I more than like you,” Ailsa said, feeling more serious than she wished she felt.

  Zach let out a sigh as he turned back towards the road. “Yeah, I more than like you too, Ailsa.”

  It would have been natural to talk about their lives back home. Where Zach lived. What Ailsa would do when she returned to Scotland. But it was as if an unspoken pact had been made between them not to talk about the lives they would lead when they were apart. Zach turned on music, and for awhile they both sat letting the sound fill the empty space. All the time their hands moved slowly against each other. For awhile Ailsa held Zach’s free hand in her lap, running her fingers across his rough palms. Then they shifted, and it was Zach tracing his fingers against the soft skin inside her forearm. His hand moved to her neck and his fingers found the curve of her ear, and the places in her neck where she hid tension.

  The drive was long. But it did not last forever, and at last there were signs for the airport, and it was as if Ailsa blinked and Zach was pulling his blue truck up to the curb. Ailsa sat with her hands folded in her lap, not wanting to move into the next, inevitable moment where she would have to get out of this truck and walk into the airport and away from this man who made her feel safe and alive and more like the person she remembered being a long time ago before it all went so wrong.

  “Goodbye then, wild thing,” Zach said as he kissed her mouth, and Ailsa knew this would be the last time. When he pulled away, his face seemed to grow a mask.

  “Should we…I mean, I don’t have your number or email or anything…” Ailsa could hear her voice faltering.

  “I think we both know how this is going to go,” Zach replied. “We should let it be what it is, Ailsa. Like the bear. Let’s not make it into something it’s not.”

  Ailsa nodded. Damn it! She thought as she felt the tears well up behind her eyes. I’ve got to get out of here before I start to cry. With determination, she opened the door of the truck and then waited while Zach hauled her bag out of the truck bed.

  “Bye.” It was barely a whisper.

  “Bye.” He whispered back.

  And then he squared his shoulders and turned away from her and got back in his truck. Ailsa turned to pick up her bag and when she looked up, he had pulled away from the curb. She watched him go. For just a moment. And then she swallowed and turned to go inside.

  Chapter 10

  Life back in Scotland mirrored Ailsa’s mood. Autumn and winter were filled with days of low grey skies and near constant rain. Life inside and out was what the Scottish called dreich, cold and dreary.

  For a few weeks Ailsa worked at her brother’s store selling hiking and camping gear. But work was slow this time of year, and they didn’t really need her. By November she had moved to Glasgow where she found a room with a friend of a friend and a bar job in the West End. A few of her old band friends started dragging her to gigs.

  To anyone who looked at her life from the outside, Ailsa seemed okay. She was certainly more stable than she had been in years, working a job and paying her bills, joining in the banter with guys who ordered drinks at the bar, smiling as she played her fiddle on the nights she had off from her job.

  But Ailsa knew better than anyone that she was still as lost as ever. At night when she finally crawled into bed, her legs bone-tired from standing, her forearms weary from pulling pints, she found her mind wandering back across the ocean to Alaska. She let herself remember the feel of his touch, the way he had run his rough hand across her skin, the feel of his mouth against hers and in hers.

  In February she had a brief affair with a guy in her band. They had known each other since university and a few times after a late gig she had gone home with him. But his hands always felt wrong, his mouth lapped at hers with a drunken carelessness. The third time it had happened, Ailsa waited until Rob had fallen asleep and then grabbed her clothes and snuck out of his flat. When he called, she didn’t answer. When there were gigs, she pretended she was working.

  And all the while the dream followed her.

  So many nights in the week she would start from sleep, or wake herself with her sobbing, and she would lie with her eyes open listening to the echoes of the screeching sound and the tightness across her chest and lap, and the terrible silence that had followed.

  She made more excuses to the band. She had hurt her fingers. The bar needed her on extra shifts. Rob would have known she was avoiding him, but he didn’t search her out and after awhile she stopped worrying he was going to knock at the door of her flat and want answers about why they couldn’t be together.

  And then one night she had a different dream.

  She was in the forest. It was a Scottish forest, full of old gnarled trees and covered in moss. Somewhere nearby Ailsa could hear the water of a burn running over stones. And then, from behind one of the trees, Ailsa saw a dark face move. It wasn’t looking at her, its nose was to the ground sniffing some hidden trail. The sound of a twig cracked, and suddenly the bear looked up and saw Ailsa where she stood. Raising herself onto her hind legs, the bear stared at Ailsa, and Ailsa could feel the power of it bore deep inside her, though she stood like stone on the uneven ground.

  That was all she remembered when she woke. The way the bear had stood and stared at her with its black face and its powerful eyes. But for the first time in longer than Ailsa could remember, she felt that buzzing, humming sensation in her heart that she always recognized as a sign. A sign from the universe that spoke to her and told her things no words could say.

  Two days later, Ailsa was wandering through a bookstore when her eyes fell upon a book set out on display. The Story of the Bear: myths and legends from the Pacific Northwest. Staring at the outlined face of the bear on the cover, Ailsa felt the imprint of that first bear rise up inside of her. The bear she had seen in the woods in Alaska last summer. The day Zach had kissed her for the first time.

  Quickly she pushed the memory of his face from her mind and picked up the book instead. Once, many years ago she had believed in things like signs and destiny. She had believed in the secret language of the world, the way the universe spoke with things most people called coincidence or happenstance or chance. She had felt the connection with the world in these signs that had resonated like the music of her fiddle wit
hin her.

  Perhaps it was because the book spoke of signs and animal ‘medicine’ that could heal a broken spirit, perhaps it was simply desperation, but for the first time in years Ailsa began to have hope. It felt as if a part of herself had been returned with this sign of the bear. She began to feel not only a deep longing for a connection back into the natural world, but a yearning to care about things at all after years of shutting down. Maybe she could really find a way to heal. Maybe she could really find an answer to the most important question — the question she couldn’t stand not knowing — why she was still alive.

  Two nights in a row the bear came to her in her dreams, beautiful and powerful and staring into the depths of her. The second dream was not in Scotland but in a place of high mountains and tall slender spruce trees. She knew that place. Alaska.

  By the end of the week, Ailsa had decided she would go back.

  Alaska. The land of pure wilderness. The land where bears still roamed free. Not to find him, she told herself. To find the meaning of the bear that now visited her often in her dreams. There were no bears in Scotland. These dreams were trying to tell her something. And Ailsa was going to try to listen. She was going to follow the signs. They felt like her last hope.

  Chapter 11

  Ailsa moved through the airport, trying not to think about the last time she had been there nine months ago. She picked up her luggage and signed papers for her rental car and tried not to balk when she realized her car was actually an enormous red truck. Pulling carefully out into traffic, Ailsa found herself whispering out loud, “Stay on the right, Ailsa, stay on the right!”

  It took longer than she had expected to find the hotel she had booked, and by the time she was tapping her key against the door to her room, Ailsa thought she had never been so glad to see a bed in her life. The nerves of her ill-advised journey had brought her to the edge of exhaustion. She ignored the stale air of the room, the stiffness of the sheets. Her eyelids dragged across her eyes as she brushed her teeth and then quickly pulled off her jeans and crawled under the covers, into the darkness of sleep.

  When she woke, everything around her was dark, and for a moment Ailsa couldn’t remember where she was. She could see a faint dawn light creeping around the edges of the blackout curtains. The clock blinked. 4.30am.

  Ailsa rolled onto her back, reaching her toes out to the edge of the bed. Then she let her body grow still as her mind wandered over the road that stretched out before her. Parks Highway would take her north away from the city. But where the road forked, she would not follow the road as they had done last summer with Steph. This time she would drive north into the mountains towards Denali.

  Towards the bear.

  And away from him. Away from the lake house where they had met. Away from southern Alaska where he must live.

  She would not make her memories of Zach into something they were not. She would let their relationship be what it was. A summer fling. Nothing more. And to prove it, she would drive north, focus on finding the bear in her dreams, figure out what this dream meant. And maybe then she would understand why she was still alive.

  By 8am she had found a grocery store and had stocked up on food. She piled everything next to her in the cab of the truck. It looked like too much. Way more than she needed. She had travelled across the U.S. last summer with only a backpack and her fiddle case. It was amazing what she had convinced herself to pack this time knowing she would have a car to store everything in. Or a truck, Ailsa shook her head ruefully. This was North America, after all. Everything was bigger over here.

  Ailsa carefully guided the truck back onto the right side of the road and followed the signs that guided her out of town. There were a few moments once she was on the highway that she felt the memory of Zach creep into the edges of her mind, but she pushed these thoughts away and focused on the car in front of her with determination. And it was only when she passed the turnoff Steph had taken towards the lake house that Ailsa began to breathe again.

  It wasn’t going to be like last time, Ailsa promised herself. This time she had been given signs to guide her. She was going to follow the footsteps of the bear in her dreams. The signs would show her the way.

  Things did not go as planned.

  Although it had been well into spring in Scotland by the end of May, in Alaska the snow was still settled on the ground in many places and chunks of ice still floated in the rivers. “It’s the end of break up season,” a woman explained at the gas station she finally pulled into for a break. “Will be another few weeks before it starts really warming up around here.” Good thing Ailsa had planned to be away all summer.

  Be patient she told herself as she settled into the hostel room at the edge of Denali National Park. Be patient.

  But Ailsa didn’t feel patient. She hadn’t dreamed of the bear in weeks now, and though she spent her days straining her eyes on the bus that wound through Denali National Park when it finally opened the next week, she did not see any bears there either.

  And then one evening at the end of her second week in Alaska, Ailsa dropped the bow of her fiddle after playing, and the head of the bow snapped clean off. Fuck!

  “There’s a violin shop in Fairbanks,” the woman behind the desk of the hostel said looking up from the computer with a smile as if she had solved the problem.

  “How long is the drive to Fairbanks?” Ailsa asked, trying to contain her frustration. She didn’t want to leave Denali yet. She needed to see a bear. It was part of the plan. It was the sign she had been promised by her dreams. Calm down Ailsa, it isn’t this woman’s fault you’re an idiot! She scolded herself crossly holding her broken bow in her hand.

  “Only about two, two-and-a-half hours,” the woman replied looking at Ailsa and smiling.

  Ailsa spent the next morning hiking with a small group from the hostel as she had planned. But again she was disappointed. No bears. She could stay, she knew. She could ignore her broken bow. But just the idea made Ailsa jittery. She needed her fiddle and she knew it. Her fiddle was her voice. Being without it felt like losing a limb.

  Reluctantly she packed the truck and by late afternoon she had set off up the road, her fiddle and broken bow laid out next to her on the seat of the truck. There’s plenty of time, she reassured herself as she gripped the steering wheel. I can just come back after a few days in Fairbanks. Or maybe my bear is north. Maybe she’s out there somewhere waiting for me.

  Ailsa tried to make the most of the drive, stopping at several of the view points along the road. Although the sky was still bright, it was evening by the time she arrived in Fairbanks. Ailsa drove around until she had located the music shop and a crazy-looking red-and-white hostel with flags flying from the roof. I’ll just go grab something to eat first, Ailsa thought, driving past the hostel. She was starving.

  The bar had caught her eye because of the bear print on the sign, and Ailsa had pulled in and parked the truck. She smiled to herself at how quickly she had gotten used to driving this great tank of a vehicle in just two weeks. Hopping out of the cab, she grabbed her purse, pulled on her light jacket and then walked towards the door of the bar.

  It was dark inside. Much darker than the lengthening Alaskan evening. The harsh lights made a stark contrast to the cozy darkness and the wooden tables and chairs. Ailsa glanced around looking for an empty table at the edges of the room.

  And then she saw him.

  He was sitting with a group of four others. Seb sat across from him. And there was a beautiful blond woman sitting next to him, nudging his arm and laughing in a carefree way that was the furthest thing from the way Ailsa felt. She stared, frozen on her feet, her heart suddenly racing in her chest. Turn around Ailsa. He hasn’t seen you yet. Turn around before you embarrass yourself. Go find somewhere else to eat.

  She took a step backwards, as if the shadows of the bar could hide her face. Zach was talking to Seb, half smiling at something he had said. And then suddenly, Zach looked past Seb’s face and saw Ailsa.<
br />
  For a moment, his face became still, frozen in a half-smile that was like a mask. And then he was pushing himself off the stool of the hightop table and moving through the crowd in the bar towards her. His face was unreadable.

  Shit he looks mad! Ailsa could feel her stomach churning. I shouldn’t have come. How am I going to explain I’m not here for him. This is just a coincid…”

  Before she could finish her thought he was standing in front of her, his tall solid frame towering like a tree. “Is it you?” Was all he said, and Ailsa found herself nodding, searching for something to say.

  “I…”

  “Thank fuck…” She heard Zach mutter under his breath. And then his warm hands were cradling her face, tilting her head up towards his, and Zach pressed his mouth against hers.

  It was as if the whole world disappeared. All Ailsa could feel was Zach’s mouth. His breath meeting her breath. His tongue encircling hers, telling her what he felt inside. And she found all thought had gone, and all she wanted to do was get lost in his kiss and the feeling of his warm solid body against hers.

  After a moment he gently pulled away and let his forehead lean down into her. Both hands held her head, weaving his thick fingers through her tangled waves.

  “Fuck I’ve missed you,” he whispered in her ear, and she let him pull her into his arms. They stood like that in the entrance to the bar, not caring who was looking or what anyone was thinking.

  Somehow, across an insane distance they had found each other. And for that long moment, Ailsa forgot that she hadn’t been looking for him. She forgot that she had purposefully driven away from the area of Alaska she thought he lived. She forgot about her broken bow and her derailed plans, and instead she felt Zach’s heart pounding in his chest and against her own.

  “Are you hungry?” Zach asked after a minute. And then he gently pushed her away and looked closely at her. “You’re not talking…”