Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  His room was clear and bright. White walls, a warm wooden dresser that matched the wood of the bedside tables. Over the dresser was a canvas photograph of the mountains, wind blowing across the snowy peaks. Ailsa heard the water stop, and she realized Zach was in the shower.

  She rolled over onto her side, tucking the blanket up under her arm, closing her eyes for a minute. She could feel her stomach begin to tighten with nerves that the shadows of the previous night had hidden. Here in the daylight she felt exposed, and although she had to admit she was incredibly happy to find herself in this warm bed under the solid wooden beams of the cabin Zach had built, she also felt unnerved and truthfully frightened by the prospect of what this feeling of comfort and happiness might mean.

  Behind her, the door to the bathroom opened and Ailsa turned towards the sound of Zach padding softly across the carpeted floor. A towel was wrapped around his waist and his wet hair had turned several shades darker. Ailsa admired the strong line of his shoulders, the way his skin stretched taut across his muscular arms, and she felt the knot in her stomach clench like something had reached a fist and squeezed inside her.

  “Hey, you’re awake…” He said, seeing her move.

  Ailsa raised one arm and pushed her long hair out of her face.

  “Hey…”

  He came and sat down next to her on the bed. He smelled clean and warm and damp.

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost ten.” His hand reached out to Ailsa’s bare shoulder and despite her nerves she felt herself relax against his touch.

  “I was going to make us breakfast…” He said. His voice still held an early morning quiet, a tenderness that matched the way he touched her. “You hungry?”

  Ailsa nodded sleepily.

  “How do you like your eggs?”

  “I don’t mind. I’ll eat anything.”

  “Okay then,” he nodded, smiling at her. “I brought your bags in. The bathroom is through there. There’s towels. Do you need anything else?”

  Ailsa shook her head, but then sat up, holding the blankets against her chest and leaned her face into him. She felt him exhale against the side of her head as his arm wrapped around her shoulders and bare back.

  “Okay then…” he said again, forcing himself to pull away. Ailsa sat watching him as he stepped over to the dresser and pulled a shirt over his head. Then letting the towel drop, Zach stepped into boxers and flannel pants. He disappeared into the bathroom to hang the towel, and when he returned he caught her following him with her eyes.

  “Enjoy the show?” He laughed sitting back down next to her.

  Ailsa grinned wickedly at him. “Cheeky bugger,” she mumbled under her breath as she let him brush her mouth with his lips.

  Zach laughed, the sound rumbling in his chest. “I don’t even know what the fuck that means, so I’m going to assume it’s a compliment.” He winked at her, and then he stood back up and headed to the kitchen.

  When he was gone, Ailsa slipped out of bed. Her bare legs were white and cold after the cozy comfort of the bed, and she grabbed a change of clothes from her bag and all her toiletries and ran on tiptoe to the bathroom. Warm water poured from the overhead shower, and Ailsa breathed in the humid air though her nose and deep into her lungs. The air was so dry here, it felt delicious standing in the hot steam, letting it soak into her muscles. When she stepped out of the bathroom, wringing her hair against the towel she felt like a new person. Light, she realized. Like some great weight she had been carrying without even knowing it had suddenly disappeared.

  Ailsa followed the smell of bacon and coffee into the kitchen and saw Zach standing at the stove, his broad back to her. “That smells amazing!” She commented, stepping into the open room.

  At the sound of her voice, Zach turned and when his eyes fell on her, he stopped. It looked like he had frozen. Like he had forgotten she was there and had been suddenly surprised by her presence. It was the way he had looked at her that first day at the lake house when she had surprised him like this in the kitchen.

  “Zach…” She said his name as she wound her long hair up and knotted it at the back of her neck.

  “What…?”

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Like what?” Zach blinked. And then he was back to himself, a relaxed smile on his face. “Perfect timing. Breakfast is almost ready.”

  She walked towards him, and he handed her a cup of coffee. The smell of it was of chocolate and hazelnuts and warm warm wonderful wakefulness. She held it to her face, savouring the smell and took a careful sip. “Mmmmm, good…”

  He had turned back to the stove to flip the eggs, piled toast, bacon and eggs onto two plates and set them on the kitchen island across from him. Ailsa cradled her coffee mug near her chest and moved into him. Instantly his busy movement dissolved, and he paused, letting her step into his chest.

  At five-and-a-half feet, Ailsa came up to just above his shoulder, and she fit herself neatly into him until she felt his arms wrap around her and his chin rest against the top of her head. It was so good here. So good in his arms. Like a drug that took all the pain away. The way she felt when he held her, it was as if she couldn’t bear to stay away for too long. Despite all her fears, despite all the looming unknowns of their lives. For now she just wanted to stay there, standing in his kitchen, wrapped in his arms, listening to the steady thump of his heart against his chest.

  He didn’t say anything. He just stood holding her and breathing. His grip was not too tight, and yet it seemed that if she had stumbled, he would have immediately caught her. And if she had shifted slightly to move away he would have released his arms and let her go.

  Ailsa stood there for a long time. Longer than a simple embrace. Long enough for him to know how much she needed him and how much she needed to be held. And he waited with her, not asking, barely moving apart from his thumb that slowly stroked the small space behind her ear.

  Finally she moved and without a pause he released her and turned to lift the plates from the counter. Ailsa picked up his coffee mug along with hers and followed him to the small round table that sat to the side of the kitchen next to a wide window. It was only when Ailsa had taken her first bite of bacon that she realized how hungry she was.

  “So you were down in Denali?” Zach asked after a moment. The way he was shovelling food in, Ailsa guessed he had been as hungry as she was.

  It was a safe question, and Ailsa smiled gratefully over at him. She told him about her trip, about the crazy people she kept meeting on the green transit bus that ran through the park. How Denali mountain had looked standing like an undefeatable wise man covered in snow and rising above the other mountains in the range. She described her hike along Sanctuary River with a group of people she had met at the hostel, and the day Denali mountain had been ‘out’ and the blue sky had embraced it like nothing she had seen. Listening to her talk, Zach ate and drank his coffee, smiling and nodding as she described things he also knew well.

  “You must have been a thousand times,” Ailsa added after awhile.

  “Every time is new though. I try to go camp out there every summer. Usually Seb comes, sometimes Tom and a few of his friends. Leah used to come, but she can’t leave the coffeeshop for too long these days and Sofia’s not a big camper, so it’s often just us guys.”

  “What’s the best thing you’ve seen?” Ailsa asked, suddenly glad to take the attention away from herself.

  “Well,” Zach leaned back in his chair. “There was one time a bear wandered straight into our camp while we were cooking dinner. We were making plenty of noise but the bear must’ve smelled our food.”

  “Holy shit!” Ailsa exclaimed. “What did you do?” She tried to hide the jealousy that suddenly ripped through her heart at the reminder that although the bear had walked through her dreams many times over the past year, she still hadn’t managed to see one on this trip. And that meant she was no closer to understanding what this dream was supposed to mea
n or what she was meant to do to repay the debt she owed for the fact she was still alive.

  “Well, we boxed up our food real fast in those bear-proof containers. Don’t think my hands ever shook that much over anything. There were four of us guys and we backed well away from the camp and then made as much noise as we could. The bear wasn’t aggressive, he was just curious, looking for a snack. So he poked around for about five minutes and then wandered off. Didn’t give us a second glance. But we were absolutely shitting ourselves, I can tell you!” Zach was laughing and his face looked wide open like the great expanses of Denali had looked. Open and carefree.

  “What kind of bear?”

  “Grizzly.” Zach confirmed easily. As if it were nothing. As if he saw Grizzly bears all the time. And maybe he did, Ailsa conceded. He did live in one of the most wild places on earth.

  “Anything you want to do today?” Zach asked after a minute, eyeing her. He could tell something had changed, and Ailsa tried to shake off the feeling and smile lightly.

  “No. Nothing particular.” Ailsa unwound her hair and shook it out so that the length of it would dry. Then she leaned into the smooth curve of wood at her back. “These are great chairs.”

  “Thanks. I made them last winter,” Zach replied, his mouth full of a last bite of toast.

  “You made these?!” Ailsa turned in her seat, admiring the beautiful curves, the swirling grain in the wood, the soft lift of the arms as they rose from the back.

  Zach laughed. “I’m a woodworker, Ailsa. I made pretty much everything around here.” He pushed his own chair away from the table and stood up. “Come on.”

  Zach picked up both plates and carried them over to the kitchen counter.

  “Where are we going?” Ailsa asked, grabbing the empty mugs.

  “Well,” Zach said, putting down the plates and leaning into the pale kitchen countertop, “I was hoping to take you on a walk, show you my land…” His hands gripped the edge of the counter as if he were suddenly nervous and trying to keep his energy from showing. It was important to him, Ailsa could see. He was showing her some deeper part of himself, hoping she would understand what it meant to him.

  “I’d love that,” Ailsa replied truthfully. Wandering through the woods was just the thing she needed. Fresh air and some space spreading out around her.

  They walked for several hours through the land as it fell and then rose up again like soft waves that could only be seen from a distance. Up close the undulations were hidden by the trees that rose like towers towards the sky and held their vision close. It had warmed up enough that soon both Ailsa and Zach were peeling off layers and tying their jackets around their waists. Conversation was easy and when silence drifted up between them, Zach simply called out ‘Heyo bear’ every minute or so, and Ailsa listened to the comforting sound of his voice echoing through the trees.

  As they walked, Zach pointed out the different types of spruce, birch, balsam poplar and aspen. Occasionally he would kneel down towards the forest floor and point out moose tracks, a hole he thought might be an arctic fox den. They were all around, invisible to the human eye but walking through this same forest somewhere. The giant moose. The intrepid fox. The bear that would not show Ailsa its face.

  “My grandfather planted a lot of these trees when he first came up here,” Zach explained, patting his hand against a rough solid trunk as he passed. He wanted a greater diversity of trees, used to talk about the yellows and golds that flecked through all the conifers in autumn. I think he also hoped to move out here himself, but my grandmother wouldn’t budge. Both sides of the family are from Illinois, so she wasn’t going all the way out here with five kids on her own.”

  “How did your grandfather get all this land?”

  “It was easy to get a homestead after the war. At least that was his excuse for buying it, and military service got you out of the five year habitation requirement that a lot of homesteaders had to accept.” Zach shrugged. “My grandmother would shout every time he tried to talk about Alaska, so I never got many details from his side of the story.”

  “Just the whisper of adventure.” Ailsa commented, glancing sideways at Zach as they wove their way among the trees.

  “Yeah,” Zach laughed. “I did get that much out of him.” He stopped walking for a moment and paused to look around at the trees that rose up dwarfing his solid frame.

  “I think about him a lot when I’m out here. I think he would be really happy to know I was here, taking care of this land.” He put his hands on his hips, and Ailsa saw his forearms flex from this simply movement. She wondered what it was like to live every day on this land, to feel so much a part of this wildness that it could genuinely be called home.

  “And of course back then folks like my grandfather didn’t think that all this is actually stolen land.” Zach had paused and his face had furrowed into a slight frown.

  “What do you mean ‘stolen’? From native Alaskans?”

  Zach nodded. “It’s as complex up here as it is in the lower 48 in terms of land rights. Maybe more so because land isn’t clearly defined by borders like reservations. But I look out at this forest and I know deep down in my gut — it doesn’t really belong to me no matter what a piece of paper might say. And because I also know what it means to love this land, it’s my responsibility to support the communities of native Alaskans, politically and with my two hands.”

  Ailsa watched Zach standing amongst the tall tall trees, and she suddenly saw something she hadn’t before — that belonging wasn’t just an issue for her. That belonging wasn’t simple for anyone. And there was usually a bigger story that overlaid one’s individual story. Her thoughts travelled back to Scotland, to her home in Oban by the sea, to the highlands she had once claimed as her backyard that were now a place she had been forced to abandon. And she understood that belonging was rarely bestowed without conditions. It was something that had to be both fought for and earned again and again.

  Chapter 16

  By the time they trudged back up the hill towards the house, Ailsa’s legs felt tired. And yet her heart was flying, and her whole body tingled with the fresh air and smell of spruce and unfathomable wilderness that had surrounded her for the past few hours. Zach trailed behind her on this gradual incline up to the house.

  “Ailsa,” he called up to her and she paused to wait for him.

  “If you want to start the fire in the main fireplace, I’m going to break up a few more logs while I’m out here.”

  She nodded, turning back towards the house, but she felt him catch her hand to stop her. It was the first time he had touched her on their walk, and her wrist tingled at the feel of his warm hand encircling her forearm. “Thanks for coming out there,” Zach said gently.

  “Thanks for showing it to me,” Ailsa replied, feeling suddenly shy as he pulled her gently into him. She tilted her head to look up at him, squinting as the bright sun fell into her eyes. They stood for a moment, arms entwining around each other, feeling foolish that a hesitancy had grown up between them again. “So you okay to light the fire in the living room?” Zach said at last.

  Ailsa gave him a wry smile and pulled gently away. “Yeah, I can start a fire woodsman. Do you have normal matches or do I have to use flint?”

  Zach laughed at her sarcasm. “There’s a lighter and matches in the basket. I’ll be in soon.” He added, watching as she walked off towards the back door, then turning towards his workshop at the side of the house.

  The house had grown cool in the afternoon, and Ailsa crumbled newspaper and stacked smaller bits of kindling in the open fireplace. Lighting the edges of the paper she blew gently into the bottom of the pile, coaxing the flames to life. When the fire had caught, she replaced the small grate and wandered towards the kitchen hoping to make a cup of tea.

  The sound of an axe against wood drew her towards the window instead. Zach stood down the hill where a large tree stump served as a chopping block. He had a stack of thick cut logs that he was methodic
ally breaking apart with a wedge and sledgehammer. From the window, Ailsa watched him work, the muscles in his back and arms dancing beneath his skin with the effort. Just watching him Ailsa could feel something inside her tense with both nerves and excitement. There was no doubt she was falling for this man. But what does that mean? Ailsa wondered, wrapping her arms in front of her heart as she stood. It doesn’t change anything really. We live so far away from each other. And…

  There was the other thing. The thing Ailsa never knew how to explain. She had tried to be open about it. A long time ago, after it had first happened. She had seen a shrink. She had taken medication. She had listened to people who told her this was the way to heal. But in the end it had just made her feel worse, everyone’s sympathy, attention, their constant reassurance that it wasn’t her fault. They didn’t get it. No one really got it. They didn’t understand the thing Ailsa knew in her heart was true — she wasn’t supposed to be here. She wasn’t supposed to be alive. Or if she was, she certainly didn’t know why. And that question, that desperate, dark, unanswerable question haunted her wherever she went. It stood next to her now, in this bright cabin while she looked out at the man who was trying to love her. Ailsa blinked back a tear and turned her gaze away from where Zach was working. Sometimes caring was just too hard.

  She made herself a cup of tea after a bit more effort than she had expected. She had forgotten Americans didn’t have electric kettles. And then, as she searched his kitchen cabinets, it became obvious Zach was a coffee drinker. She walked out to her truck and retrieved the box of teabags she had bought at the grocery store in Anchorage and had only just sat down on the couch in front of the fire to drink her cup of tea when Zach came in with a basket full of wood. His face was bright with life, and sweat had stained patches on his shirt. But he looked happy and sexy as hell, and Ailsa found a smile pulling at the edges of her mouth in spite of herself as she remembered him saying, “Sometimes the old ways are more fun”.