Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  She was jolted by the buzzing of her phone in her pocket. She brought it out and answered. “Hi, I’m still at the music shop. Yes. Okay see you in a minute.” She tapped the phone and shoved it into her back pocket.

  “I’d better go,” Ailsa told Pete. “I’ve got someone waiting for me.”

  “See you in a week, darlin. You sure I can’t tempt you with a loaner?” Ailsa shook her head. “I’ll be okay till next week, don’t worry.” She smiled. She always loved talking to musicians.

  “She’ll be waiting for you good as new,” Pete reassured her, waving as she pulled at the door of the shop.

  Chapter 18

  Ailsa was right not to worry about time passing slowly. Almost an entire week passed in the blink of an eye and before she could believe it, it was Friday again. She was reading her book on the couch when she heard Zach’s phone buzzing. She didn’t pay much attention until she heard the banter that Zach was trying to cover up from where he stood in the kitchen.

  “Yes, she’s still here…”

  Ailsa looked up over the back of the couch at him, and he raised his eyes at her and winked. “Yes….Oh do you…?” He wasn’t letting much of the conversation filter into the room, and Ailsa tried to turn her attention back to her book without any success.

  “That was Seb,” Zach explained at last, putting his phone down on the table. “They’re asking about you. Wanting to know if we’d come to dinner at their place tonight. We don’t have to…” He added quickly.

  “That sounds fun,” Ailsa smiled. Sometimes he was so confident. He was like a tree himself, standing in a place he knew he belonged. But there were moments…like when Ailsa had entered his workshop for the first time, or like now, when a hesitancy grew up in him and he shrugged his broad shoulders and shifted on his feet self-consciously. Seeing him like this made Ailsa’s heart open wider than she could have imagined.

  “I never made it to Leah’s coffeeshop on Monday so it will be good to see them.” She reassured him.

  “Yeah?” Zach instantly brightened.

  “Yeah.” Ailsa confirmed laughing at him. “It might be good for us to venture beyond the drive. You know…get out into that wide world.”

  “I don’t see why,” Zach replied, leaning down over the back of the couch and kissing her full on the mouth.

  “Mmmmm…maybe I don’t know either,” Ailsa’s lips spread into a smile as she kissed him back.

  They were quiet during the drive into Fairbanks. Ailsa let her gaze run out over the tops of the trees as they spread out, enjoying the sudden openness as they crossed a riverbed. She was searching constantly for wildlife. And especially for the bear.

  She had dreamt about it against last night. She had been in the woods at dusk. The light had felt hazy and low all around her, and the wind had whispered softly through the trees. I should be making some noise, she had thought in her dream. But then from behind a tree just off to her right a bear had come. It had lumbered on all fours directly into her line of sight, as if it hadn’t noticed her. And then all of a sudden it had stood up and looked straight at her. Not with anger or aggression. But with a strange kind of sadness in its eyes. Its look pierced though her and she had woken up.

  After about twenty-five minutes Zach turned the truck into a neighbourhood and pulled up in the driveway of Seb and Leah’s house. It was a lovely half-brick, half-log home. Its roof had a shallow tip that gave it a friendly, inviting look. As soon as they pulled in, Ailsa could see Leah wave from the window.

  Zach walked around to her side of the truck to grab her door, and Ailsa took a deep breath and stepped down onto the drive. She was nervous, she realized. Not because she thought Seb and Leah would be anything other than friendly and kind. But this wasn’t the same as hanging out with strangers on the road during her travels. Those people didn’t know anything about her. And they never would. They didn’t care about her and she didn’t have to care about them, other than in a sort of vague, general human way. This was different. These were Zach’s best friends, and Ailsa suddenly felt her stomach tighten with nerves. Am I afraid that they won’t like me? Ailsa wondered. Or am I afraid that I am going to like them too much?

  A large German Shepherd met them at the door. “Hey Shep,” Zach greeted it warmly, rubbing into its head.

  “Go on Shep,” Leah ordered pointing her finger authoritatively, and the dog walked off into the kitchen. Leah turned to hug Ailsa. “So glad you made it. It’s great to see you again!” She smiled at Ailsa, and it seemed to Ailsa as if they were already friends.

  “I was right about the cabin, huh?”

  “You were right,” Ailsa agreed. “It’s absolutely beautiful.”

  “I helped him build that!” Seb called out, coming into the entrance hall. Leah knocked her hand against his chest.

  “What? I just think, give credit where credit’s due…” He laughed.

  “He did tell me,” Ailsa reassured Seb, laughing back.

  “Really? Interesting.” Seb shot a glance over at Zach. “I would’ve thought he’d have taken all the credit.” He turned back to Ailsa and smiled easily. “What can I get you to drink?”

  “Oh anything. White wine?”

  Seb nodded and started back towards the kitchen, waving them through. Ailsa could feel Zach take the small of her back in his hand. The warm solidness of it was reassuring, and as Ailsa looked up at him he gave her a wink.

  Conversation was easy, just as it had been the night they had first met at the bar. Leah had some hysterical stories to share from the coffeeshop that week. The tourists were starting to come in and some of the questions folks had about Alaska were even funnier than questions Ailsa had been asked about Scotland at her brother’s shop in Oban. There was a bit of chat from Zach and Seb about upcoming projects they might want to take on. Another sunroom. A conversion of someone’s old side house into a rentable studio apartment.

  “Enough wood chat,” Leah cut in. “What have you guys been up to this week, Ailsa?”

  “Well, we’ve been hiking loads,” Ailsa began. “Eating. Drinking. Relaxing by the fire. It’s all been very stressful!” They all laughed. “I was working at a bar all winter and spring. Probably fifty hours a week. And I was doing that right up until the day before I left. So I guess I’m just finally catching up with myself.”

  “Zach’s taken you through his woodland, I imagine?” Seb said. “It’s beautiful out there.”

  Ailsa nodded, feeling the warmth radiating off of Zach as he leaned slightly into her.

  “Quite a few tracks near the house,” Zach put in. “Spring is definitely here and the animals are all out.”

  “Seen any?”

  “We saw a moose from the house yesterday. A ways off through the trees.”

  “It was amazing!” Ailsa nodded breathlessly. “They are such beautifully awkward creatures. Like giraffe that way.”

  “Oh we love a good moose around here,” Leah laughed, tipping her wine glass and draining the last sip. She reached over to refill Ailsa’s glass as well. Ailsa could feel the second glass of wine beginning to take its effect. She felt light and relaxed. Although there had been times in the conversation that Leah or Zach had explained some background to her, most of the time it felt like they were old friends. Every time they described a trip they had taken down to Denali or further north she wished she had been with them. They had hearts that raced with adventure and without quite realising it, Ailsa felt herself being drawn into the intimacy of their circle.

  “So fifty hours a week at the bar,” Seb said, turning the conversation back on Ailsa. “That sounds like a lot! Where were you?”

  “Glasgow,” Ailsa said, twisting the stem of her wine glass between her fingers. “I went to university there.”

  “Did you like it?” Leah asked innocently?

  “It was okay.” Ailsa shrugged. “It’s not what I really want to do. But the pay was good. I was in a weird schedule though. I’m a morning person, but of course I had to be u
p late every night. And the nights I didn’t work I was usually up late playing with my band.”

  “You’re in a band? That sounds kind of rock star…” Seb teased.

  “I think you need an electric guitar for rock star status,” Ailsa laughed. “We play folk. Fiddle. Guitar. Base. And drums.” For an instant, an image of Rob’s face flashed in front of her. They had been good friends for a long time. Until they had tried to be more. And then it had just gone wrong and Ailsa had avoided him. She bit her lip and took another gulp of white wine, trying to wash away the image of this other man as she sat with Zach’s hand across her thigh under the dinner table.

  “So what do you want to do then?” Leah asked.

  Zach didn’t move but she could feel a subtle tightening of the muscles across his forearm as he held her leg. Normally she would have tensed too, but her head felt full of wine and her tongue was loose in her mouth. Fuck it, a voice in her head drawled at her.

  “I don’t know honestly,” Ailsa said. “I used to think I would be a journalist. I wrote a few things for a nature and outdoors magazine in Scotland when I was at uni. And then I thought I’d do something with environmental conservation. But…” she paused. She was right up against it again. Why she wasn’t doing what she had intended. Why she didn’t know what she was meant to do. And why it was so important. She always got to this part and balked.

  “But…?” Seb questioned.

  Leah had caught a look from Zach and had understood to stop asking questions, but Seb was also slightly drunk and had no idea he was walking out on a sheet of ice that might crack at any moment under his feet.

  Luckily the fog of the wine also held the trembling of Ailsa’s heart at bay, and she shrugged easily. “I don’t know. I just don’t quite know what I want to do.”

  “Yeah I get that,” Seb replied, gulping his beer, completely oblivious to the way Leah had started to dig her fingers into his leg as a signal for him to change the subject.

  “Conservation’s a great thing to get into up here. So is outdoor journalism. So, you know…anything’s possible.”

  Ailsa looked at Seb’s easy grin. His brown hair flopped across his forehead and his dark eyes reminded Ailsa of the deep black of Scottish lochs. For a minute her head cleared and she saw what it would be like if she could just let the past go and start again. She could do anything she wanted. She could get right back on the career path she had always intended to take. She could do things over, get it right this time. She could stay here at Zach’s side, be friends with these great people. Just thinking about it made her heart feel wide and free.

  They were getting ready to go, carrying plates and glasses to the kitchen, winding down the conversation. Seb had pulled Zach off for a minute to look at his new bike in the garage, and Ailsa was left to finish the last of her glass of wine with Leah in the kitchen.

  “He really likes you, you know,” Leah said trying to make the conversation seem more lighthearted by loading the dishwasher as she spoke.

  Ailsa didn’t know what to say. What did that mean? Did it mean something that she didn’t already sense herself? Leah looked up as Ailsa remained quiet. “I mean it,” she nodded again, coming to stand at the kitchen island across from Ailsa. “I’ve seen him date women before. But he’s never been like this.”

  Ailsa tried to nod seriously. Her head was starting to swim from the wine, and the bright kitchen spotlights weren’t making it easier to hide the subtly of her expression. “What do you mean?” The words came out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

  “Well…this is just my sense of things,” Leah said, gesturing with one hand. “But when we first met Zach he was like this force of life. Every day was an adventure. He’d found Alaska, and he was so enthusiastic about leaving his job and building his cabin and just living every day to the fullest. He’s still like that sometimes,” she added. “But the last few years, it’s like a boredom’s grown in him. A loneliness. I’ve seen him date a few people. One woman for almost a year. But…I don’t know. Something about it wasn’t right. He wasn’t into them like he’s into you. I can’t put my finger on it, but I know Zach. And there’s something…” she stopped talking mid-sentence as she heard the door to the garage open and men’s voices floated in from the hall.

  “You ready?” Zach’s face appeared in the archway and Ailsa didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed that this conversation with Leah had been brought to such an abrupt end. Across the kitchen island, Ailsa could see a soft smile pulling at the corners of Leah’s mouth as she turned to rinse the last few glasses in the sink.

  “Thanks for everything, Leah,” Zach stepped in and embraced her warmly. Leah wrapped her arms around Zach’s neck and squeezed him. “Any time mister. We’ll see you soon.”

  “Sounds good,” Zach kissed her cheek and turned to thump Seb on the back. “Take care. I’ll see you in a few…”

  Leah and Seb walked them to the door and waved as Zach pulled the truck out of the drive. It had been nicer than Ailsa could have imagined, and she eased back into the seat of Zach’s truck, enjoying the soft light of the late Alaskan summer night.

  Chapter 19

  Zach was quiet in the seat next to her, and Ailsa could tell that although he was giving attention to the road, some other part of him was lost in thought. For awhile she let the silence spread out, listening to the engine of the truck hum in the background, watching the vast wild scenery race by. But as time went on and the sun finally dipped down low enough to bring at least a shade of darkness to the sky, Ailsa glanced over at him.

  “You okay? You seem quiet.”

  Zach gave a slight shake to his head as if to clear it. Then he looked over at her and sent her a quick smile, the rough edges of his jaw shifting. “Yeah I’m okay.” His voice sounded husky, as if the words began low in his chest. “Just thinking…”

  “About what?”

  “Um…” He paused as if he was considering not telling her. “Stuff I heard you say tonight. Just little things I learned about you. You were…” he paused and glanced briefly over at her in the truck.

  Ailsa waited. “I was…” she said leading him to finish the sentence.

  “Open.” Zach said at last, shrugging as if he didn’t want to make more of it than that.

  “It was the wine,” Ailsa laughed looking back out the window. “I told you, you should just get me drunk.”

  “You did tell me,” Zach chuckled as he pulled off the main road onto the track that led to his cabin. For a moment, Zach slowed the truck and Ailsa saw him glance over.

  “What is it?” The buzz in her head from the three glasses of wine was making it hard to tell whether she was imagining things.

  “I don’t think it was the wine…” he said at last giving her a look as he guided the truck further down the curving dirt road.

  “What then?” She was still drunk, and it felt safe wrapped in this foggy world where the emotions she always felt so sharply inside could barely touch her.

  “Nothing…” Zach laughed. “Let’s leave it.”

  “I learned a few things about you too this evening…” Ailsa teased. Even as she began this thread of conversation a warning sounded in her head. She knew she shouldn’t talk about her conversation with Leah that evening. But it was as if the momentum of the thought had begun to pull her along of its own accord.

  “Ah what’s that?” Zach asked pulling the truck up in front of the house. He stopped the engine and turned towards Ailsa as if facing her challenge.

  “Well…” Ailsa’s mind wheeled back over the conversation with Leah in the kitchen. Everything was mixing together like a gentle churning sea, and Ailsa knew she should leave all this alone, but another part of her wanted to challenge Zach’s smug grin that held his own thoughts about her.

  “Leah said she thought you were bored. That when you first came to Alaska you were full of adventure. And for the last few years you’ve been bored and reclusive. And she said now you have s
ome of your old spirit back…” She shifted her hand onto her hip as she squared off to him in the truck. But when she saw Zach’s face, Ailsa felt all her playful bravado fall away.

  Zach’s face had flashed with pain and his brown eyes shifted away from her and out over the wild landscape that surrounded them. “That’s interesting she said that…” Zach said, rubbing one hand against his rough jaw. His voice was quiet and when he looked back at her, Ailsa could see a hollowness had flooded his eyes.

  “Zach… I’m sorry, I didn’t…I was just joking,” Ailsa tried to back peddle from her drunken comments. Fuck! Her mind was racing in a thousand directions, trying to find a way to reframe her words. The problem was she didn’t really understand what Leah had meant. She didn’t understand what the last few years had been like for him. They still had so much to learn about each other, and Ailsa knew she was the one holding them both back.

  Zach looked over at her and tried to smile. “Don’t worry about it,” he said trying to brush it off. But then he paused and looked down at his hands, rubbing his wide palms together slowly, frowning into them the way Ailsa often did when she was searching for some answer.

  “Zach…”

  The shadows were deep on his face now. “Just forget it. Let’s go inside.” He tried to smile at her but his eyes were still flat and so unlike the warm coffee brown she had gotten used to. The next second he was sliding out of the truck and slamming the door behind him, and Ailsa had no choice but to follow him into the house.

  By the time Ailsa had caught up with him in the kitchen Zach was already pouring himself a large glass of whiskey. Without looking at her, he lifted and downed the glass.

  Ailsa hovered at the edge of the room, shifting her weight onto one foot and digging her other foot into her ankle, balancing there, trying to decide what she should do. She watched him pour another glass and lift it more slowly to his mouth this time. Even with this small movement, his arm muscles rippled against his shirt, and Ailsa could feel the strength and weakness of him beginning to break her.