Signs of Love

by Skye, Harper

  “How hot?”

  Ailsa bit down on her lip and made a sound in her throat in response.

  Rosslyn burst out laughing. “You staying with him?”

  “Yeah, I’m in his cabin now.”

  “How long have you been there?”

  “Two weeks. No three.” Ailsa knew she was revealing a lot more in that response than anything else she could say.

  “Well, he must be pretty fucking amazing for you to stay that long!”

  “Yeah, he is.” Ailsa felt herself smiling. She raked her fingers through her hair.

  “What are you going to do then A?” Rosslyn’s voice had shifted, and Ailsa could see that she didn’t need to explain the fear that was eating at her heart each time she paused to think about the situation. She was British. He was American. Her life was in Scotland, half-way across the world from this cabin in Alaska. How could anything ever continue between them?

  “I don’t know,” she said, her throat tightening. “For now, I’m just staying here. Just being with him. I feel better than I’ve felt in years, Ros. It’s like this massive weight has lifted from my shoulders and I don’t know where it’s gone but I’m not asking questions.”

  “I’m really glad. You deserve it.” Rosslyn paused, “Have you told him…?”

  “No.” Ailsa bit her lip. “Not yet,” she corrected herself. “I will. He knows there’s something but…I just don’t want anything to ruin it. You know what I’m like. I’m afraid it will make me crazy and I’ll fuck it all up.”

  Rosslyn could hear the edge creeping into Ailsa’s voice, and she knew her friend well enough to stop pushing.

  “You won’t,” she tried to promise, though they both knew it was possible. “Well things here are pretty boring,” Rosslyn said changing the subject. “You’ll be shocked to hear it’s raining all the fucking time. We may not get any summer at this rate!”

  “How’s work?” Rosslyn was a graphic designer. She lived in Edinburgh now.

  “Oh fine. Rob’s been asking after you,” Rosslyn added after a moment.

  “Oh…” Ailsa didn’t know what to say to this piece of news. Those few nights she had been drunk and desperate enough to sleep with him felt like such a huge mistake. A rock fell into the pit of her stomach. Guilt. She should have at least talked to him about it. Explained herself. She was always so shit at that stuff.

  “Not like that…he thinks you felt you had to leave Glasgow to get away from him. And he wanted me to tell you he’s dating someone and there’s no hard feelings.”

  “I didn’t leave because of him…”

  “I told him. I told him you always do this…save money and escape. But I think he just feels like he fucked up with you. And,” Rosslyn added, “the rest of the band are blaming him because they can’t find a new fiddle player…”

  “Ha! I should have known it would be about the band.” She rolled her eyes. “Who’s he with?”

  “Rob? Oh I don’t know. Some young girl. Think she’s still at uni.”

  “That’s good.” Ailsa felt herself sigh with relief. At least she didn’t have to feel too guilty about Rob. Maybe it would be okay between them when she got back.

  Ailsa heard the end of her thought and felt her stomach squeeze tight again. When she got back. Because that was going to happen, wasn’t it? She was going to have to go back to Scotland eventually.

  I won’t think about it. Ailsa shook her head violently against her fear. I won’t think about that now.

  When she hung up the phone with Ros, she decided she needed a bigger distraction than a book. I’ll go into town, see if Pete’s got that new music he ordered for me.

  Half an hour later Ailsa felt the wind blowing through her hair as she drove down the long straight road towards Fairbanks. A faint smile crept across her face as the feeling of freedom and independence flowed past her with the wind. She loved driving. For some reason driving by herself, especially through landscape like this, always made her feel more alive. She also loved the fact that she knew she had a home to go back to. It was as if, heading into town without Zach, she was claiming this place as her own as well. And as unlikely as that might be, the thought of it made her happy.

  Ailsa pulled the truck carefully into one of the parking spaces just down from the music shop. The bell tinkled when she entered, and when Pete’s wizened face peeked out from the back room his eyes folded into a smile. “Ah my Scottish lassie!”

  Ailsa couldn’t help but laugh. No one ever called her ‘lassie’ back home, but for some reason she liked the awkward way Pete said it. It was so full of good intention and warm-heartedness, it felt like he was claiming her as one of his own. A fellow musician. And maybe even a fellow local. And Ailsa couldn’t deny the way her heart tugged at her when she thought of staying here and starting a new life.

  “Hi Pete,” Ailsa lifted her hand in greeting.

  “Zach’s out at the Belmont’s place eh?”

  Ailsa shook her head as her eyes glanced across the beautiful wooden instruments hung along the walls. “How did you know that?”

  Pete chuckled as he reached over and shook her hand warmly. “Honey, this may look like a city but you should think of it like a village. Everybody knows everybody’s business ‘round here. Plus…I saw his truck drive past when I was opening up this morning…” He winked at her.

  “Oh, I have that book for you! Hang on a minute.” Pete disappeared into the back room again, and Ailsa began to wander around the shop, running a finger over some of the fiddles, cellos, violas, mandolins.

  “Do you make all of these yourself?” She asked as she heard Pete emerge from the room behind her.

  “Not all of ‘em, but most yes. I’ve got more orders than I can manage these days. It’s a shame really. Feels like I spent so long trying to master the craft and now that I finally know what I’m doing, I’m getting ready to retire!”

  “Are you?!” Ailsa turned and her face must have looked horrified because Pete took one look at her and burst out laughing.

  “You look like you’re taking it harder than most folks in Fairbanks! Certainly harder than my wife!” He grinned as he handed Ailsa a brand new music book, and Ailsa noticed that his wild white eyebrows always made his grins look mischievous.

  “Most of my work is over the internet now, orders from all over the US. I love my work. And even Mary knows I’ll never really retire completely. But I don’t want to spend all the years I have left on this earth in the workshop and this music shop. Life’s short and I want to enjoy it while I’m still fit as a fiddle!” He winked at her again, and Ailsa couldn’t help but laugh at his terrible pun.

  “Ever think about finding an apprentice?” She asked. “You’ve got so much skill to teach someone. It would be a shame not to pass on all that experience!”

  “You interested, lassie?” Pete asked, and Ailsa saw that behind his easy smile, a glimmer of hope shone in his eyes.

  “Oh I didn’t mean me!” Ailsa shook her head, trying to ignore the jolt of energy she had just felt shoot up through her feet all the way to her heart.

  “Why not you?”

  “Pete! I don’t know the first thing about woodworking or making instruments.”

  “But you know music. You know the instruments. The rest you could learn. Why not? Have other dreams you’re trying to make happen?”

  Ailsa shrugged and shifted on her feet, trying to move away from the conversation, looking for a diversion.

  Pete saw right through her. “Alright, alright. Ignore me if you want. I’m an old man, Ailsa McKenzie and I know when a seed has been planted. Now…how’s that bow holding up?”

  Chapter 22

  Ailsa took a deep breath and let the cool mountain air blow across her eyelids and over her lips and down into her lungs. She had spent the last hour playing music with Pete, and she could still feel the flush of her cheeks from the last reel that they had spun through faster and faster until she had finally lost her fingering and the song had
fallen apart and both she and Pete had fallen into breathless laughter.

  It was already past lunch and Ailsa could feel her stomach growling. Glancing down the street, she tried to remember where Zach had said The Raven Coffeehouse was. She had just turned the corner when she saw a young woman approaching her. She smiled, trying to catch the woman’s eye so she could ask directions, but for some reason the woman’s eyes narrowed at the sight of her. Strange, Ailsa thought. I feel like I’ve seen her somewhere before. And then Ailsa remembered. She was the same woman who had walked into Pete’s music shop when she had first brought him her broken bow.

  Ailsa smiled wider, hoping the woman would recognize her. “Excuse me,” she said as the woman got closer. “Can you tell me where The Raven Coffeehouse is?”

  “It’s that way…” The woman’s straight dark hair was tied up in a pony tail and her jeans hugged her hips. She was tall and beautiful, but her eyes pierced through Ailsa and her voice was sharp and void of emotion.

  “Uh, okay thank you,” Ailsa tried to smile, shoving her hands into her pockets and hurrying down the sidewalk. Most people she had met in Alaska were really friendly, but there were also people who hated tourists in their town. Ailsa understood the feeling. Sometimes it felt like her own hometown was overrun with foreign accents and people asking directions every few blocks. It got tiring, and she was sure she had sometimes sounded like this woman herself.

  By the time she pushed against the door of The Raven, she had shaken the uncomfortable feeling in her gut and had remembered how hungry she was. And how in need of a good cup of coffee!

  “Ailsa! Hey!”

  She looked over at the counter and saw Leah waving. Coming around the side of the counter, she gave Ailsa a big hug. “You finally made it! I’m so glad!”

  Ailsa felt herself relax immediately. Every time she saw Leah, it felt like meeting an old friend. She could see how much Leah and Seb loved Zach by the way they had immediately embraced her.

  “Me too! This place is brilliant!” Ailsa looked around at the tall ceiling of dark wood, the painted teal trim, the colorful artwork hung across the walls. The air buzzed with conversation. Even in the hours after lunch, it was obvious this place was a favorite meet up for people in Fairbanks.

  “You hungry?”

  Ailsa nodded. “Starving. And desperate for coffee!”

  Leah pushed a strand of blond hair out of her face. She had obviously been busy but her face was still full of energy. It seemed like she was really living out her dream with this little place.

  Ailsa and Leah carried their coffees and sandwiches over to an empty table and sat down. “What have you been up to today?” Leah asked, biting into her sandwich. “God I’m starving! It was so busy today for some reason, I couldn’t find five minutes to eat!”

  “I was over at the music store this morning, actually.”

  “Oh fun. Seb told me you were amazing when he heard you play last summer.”

  “I do love it!” Ailsa nodded. “You weren’t kidding, this is great coffee!”

  Leah’s face broke into a grin. “I know! So what were you doing with Pete?”

  “He ordered a new music book for me, so since Zach is off with Seb working today I thought I’d drive in and pick it up…and check out your place!” Ailsa looked around. “Where’s all the artwork from?”

  “Local artists,” Leah looked across the room as someone walked in. She waved, “I’ll be right over Jessie.”

  “Take your time, Leah. Finish your lunch first, I’m not in a rush.” Leah flicked the woman a thumbs-up and took another bite of her sandwich as the woman sat down with a group of friends by the window.

  “Yeah, everyone’s an artist in Fairbanks,” Leah laughed. “Some better than others, but I think the scenery draws a creative force out of people. They move out here and suddenly start writing or painting or crafting. It’s cool. And it feels good that I can give people a place to display their work.” She paused to chew and swallow. “So has Pete invited you to play with his band?”

  Ailsa shook her head.

  “Oh he will. His folk band plays all over town.” Leah leaned back in the booth and cradled her coffee. “So…how is it going with you and Zach?”

  Ailsa bit her lip and stifled a grin. “Well…”

  “Come on Ailsa, we could do that whole ‘getting to know you thing’, but we could also just pretend we’ve been friends forever. It feels like that a little bit anyway. You can absolutely trust me not to say anything to Seb. But for real, friend-to-friend, how’s it going?”

  How could Ailsa resist? She felt the same way about Leah. There was something more about her than just her open heart. She connected with Leah, with the kind of space Leah had created in The Raven, with the way she talked about the world, with what she valued about her life in Alaska.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Ailsa started. “I mean, it’s good with Zach. Honestly, I haven’t had a relationship like this…well, ever. I mean, I’ve been with guys but it’s different with him. I…”

  Ailsa felt herself grasping at words, trying to explain without getting too close to the event in her past that had caused the chasm. The Before and the After.

  She paused, but Leah simply sat listening. She brought her coffee up to her mouth and took a sip, letting her light brown eyes rest on Ailsa’s face. And because her gaze was easy and without judgement, Ailsa tried again. “Something happened to me a few years ago. I don’t talk about it. And, I want to move on, you know? I want to. And being with Zach makes me feel like maybe that’s possible. But then I get fucking scared…It’s hard for me to let people in and I don’t know…” Ailsa dropped her eyes down into her coffee mug, blinking so she wouldn’t cry.

  “You don’t know what?” Leah asked softly. “If Zach can handle that?”

  Ailsa felt her eyes flick up to Leah’s face. It was as if Leah had read her thoughts, and from the look on her face, it suddenly seemed to Ailsa like the happy-go-lucky woman sitting across from her knew more about pain than she would have guessed.

  “Ailsa, I don’t tell this to a lot of people,” Leah’s voice was quiet, hiding behind the buzzing conversations all around them. “But I was in a relationship for years when I was younger. The guy used to push me around. The threat of it was almost worse than the few times he really did get physical with me. Only Seb knows the details of it, because when I first met him I wouldn’t let him get close. I do this thing where I hide behind my smile. People think I’m always happy, and honestly I find it easier that way. But Seb just stayed around. Through all of it. Through all my seemingly irrational panics. And looking back, I realize that sometimes love is the only thing that can heal the broken, frightened bits of you.”

  Ailsa felt something inside her trembling. Maybe it was her heart. Maybe it was the thin layers of armor under her skin that threatened to shatter under these new conditions. She gripped her mug tight in her hands and looked into Leah’s eyes, feeling a strange sense of hope. Leah laid her hand on top of Ailsa’s, and they sat for a quiet moment, two women with two different versions of silent pain.

  “It doesn’t go away,” Leah said. “At least not for me. Not entirely. But whatever this thing is that happened to you, you can also learn to let someone in. And let someone else help you hold the pain just by the way they love you.”

  Ailsa nodded, her throat tight with emotion. “Thanks for telling me that, Leah.”

  Leah squeezed her hand and let go. “I gotta get Jessie some coffee,” she smiled, rubbing the corner of her eye and allowing the smile to reappear on her face.

  Ailsa sat for awhile by herself, thinking about what Leah had said. She knew in her heart what Leah said was true. The pain would never go away. But for now, she was doing okay. Wasn’t she? She was holding it. She was holding herself together. And she was letting Zach in. Little by little. All she could do was try to trust that. And hope that the darkness wouldn’t become too much to stand.

  Chapter 23

/>   Two nights later Ailsa found herself stepping back into the bar where she had first run into Zach. For a moment as she stood in the entrance, Ailsa was hit with a strange sense of deja vu. The dark interior of the bar with its high top tables and booth seats were all exactly the same. The sound, however, that was different. Gone were the sounds of a sports game in the background. Instead, the room was filled with a sound that was so welcome to Ailsa’s ears it made her heart ache a little. It was the random, discordant sounds of a band warming up their instruments.

  Ailsa felt a warmth against her back and a second later, Zach’s arm wrapped around her waist. “Seems like a lot more than five weeks ago we were here,” he commented. Ailsa nodded. It felt like an age. Considering the dull fog of recent years where single days had dragged on while ironically months and then years raced by with nothing changing, her time so far in Alaska had felt just the opposite. Days flew by with a new kind of joy, while at the same time so much had changed it felt like she had been with Zach for years.

  From across the room Ailsa saw Pete give a wave. He was making some final adjustments to his fiddle, unnecessary Ailsa knew since the band had already finished their sound checks. But she knew the feeling of twitching fingers right before a gig, and she often had found herself doing the same thing. Pete set down his dark wooden fiddle and then made his way over to Ailsa and Zach. “Hey you made it!” He smiled at Ailsa and nodded towards Zach.

  “I wouldn’t have missed it!” Ailsa could hear the excitement in her own voice. Just the look of the large base, drums and mics on stage was making her heart pound, and she knew from her reaction it had been too long since she had been out to a music gig.

  “Let me introduce you to my wife,” Pete said, gesturing with one large hand for Ailsa to follow him. Ailsa smiled and felt Zach let go of her waist as they wove through the gathering crowd towards the front. “Ailsa, this is my wife Mary, and our friends Jack, Josie, Lynn and Rose.” Ailsa smiled, extending her hand out to each person in turn. Mary was beautiful. Not at all what she had expected, although truthfully Ailsa hadn’t known what to expect. Pete was loud and friendly and undoubtedly had the warmest heart, but here standing next to him was a slender older woman with long straight hair that had once surely been jet black but was now streaked with silver. Her blue eyes were serious, but somehow held a twinkle that matched her husband’s mischievous look.