Being Billy

by Phil Earle

  Silence set in as we tried to catch our breath, but it felt uncomfortable, so I chose to break it.

  ‘Did it take you long? To put it all together?’

  He looked taken aback that I’d even asked, but jumped at the chance of a conversation.

  ‘Been about five weeks, I suppose. I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time, but I was convinced you wouldn’t buy into it.’

  My only response was a huff. I wanted him to see he was right.

  ‘But then your review happened and, to be honest, after what had gone on in there, and with the things we were insisting you do – well, I just decided that you’d be needing this more than ever. Needing some way of blowing off steam. It was either this or watch you explode … and I didn’t fancy cleaning up that sort of mess.’

  I sat silently, letting his words sink in. As much as I hated to admit it, he had put a shed-load of work into it.

  ‘So where’s all the gear from? You been flogging the wife’s jewellery or something?’

  ‘Not exactly.’ He laughed. ‘I had a load of stuff cluttering up my garage at home. Just decided it was time to get it all on eBay and put the money to better use. Some of the stuff is new – the speedball, the skipping ropes and that – but a lot of it is second-hand or reconditioned. Some of it belonged to my boys. But now they’re not home any more it seemed daft hanging on to it.’ His voice tailed off for a second, before he pulled himself to his feet and busied himself in his normal fashion.

  I looked around the garage, trying to work out which stuff was new and which had been his sons’, but to be honest I didn’t really care. I was just trying to get my head around the fact that it was mine. It was a sensation I wasn’t used to.

  ‘Listen, Bill. I’m not going to make you use this place. That’s got to be your choice. But it’s yours and yours alone. There are two keys. The one you have and a spare that’ll stay in the house in case you lose yours. If you want to use it on your own that’s fine, but I’m happy to join in. Although,’ he added with a wince as he rubbed his gut, ‘you might need to give me a day or two to recover.’

  He pulled himself to his feet and staggered towards the door.

  ‘Don’t stay out here too long or you’ll freeze. Oh, and I’d warm down if I was you, otherwise you’ll be aching in the morning.’

  Of course I completely ignored him, and just lay there for another ten minutes, before locking the garage carefully and stumbling back to the house. I’d wondered about a shower, then thought better of it, preferring instead to collapse into bed.

  It still took me a long time to get to sleep, but perhaps not as long as usual, and when I woke, stiff as a board, I could see from my phone that four hours had passed. Again, it was unusual for me to sleep for such a long stretch.

  I spent the next half-hour or so trying to ease some life back into my arms, but despite all the rubbing and flexing they continued to yell their irritation at me.

  My mind was fixed on the gym, and the work that must have gone on in getting it ready, and to my annoyance I couldn’t see how Ron had found the time to do it. He spent every minute of his shift bossing around the other scummers and lifers in the house, so it wasn’t as if he was shirking there. The only things I could think of were that he was talking out of his arse and that someone else had done the work, or that he’d done it outside of work time.

  I balanced the two options in my head. Fobbing someone else’s work off as his own was a possibility, but I just couldn’t believe it. I’d seen the pride in his eyes as he’d talked about it.

  I shook my head in irritation at the fact that I was even giving this head space. So what if he’d spent a bit of his own time giving a room a lick of paint? It was his choice, and he was only doing it out of guilt in the first place.

  I argued the toss with myself for a good few minutes, and probably would have still been doing it had the door not creaked slowly open. Forgetting my aching body, I zipped to my feet in a flash, ready to have a pop at whoever was on the way in, only to be confronted by the sight of a teary-looking Louie.

  ‘Hey, mate,’ I whispered, stroking his head.

  ‘I woke up and you weren’t there,’ he cried. ‘I don’t want to be in there tonight. Can I sleep in here instead?’

  It was a question that needed no answer, so he stumbled to the mattress and under my duvet.

  Climbing carefully over, I pulled myself under the covers beside him, and felt all my aches fade away as he nestled closer to me, tucking his body against my stomach.

  It took him seconds to find sleep mode, which gave me joy and broke my heart in the same breath. I knew he needed me, but at the same time I knew he’d soon have Annie instead.

  I pushed the thought to the back of my head and, as hard as I fought it, had no option but to give in to sleep.

  CHAPTER 21

  The sun was bursting through the curtains by the time I woke up, my arms complaining even more loudly about the pounding I’d given them.

  I tried to roll on to my back and stretch out, but couldn’t. Something was wedged up behind me, and with Louie still snoring against my chest, I was properly stuck.

  I craned my neck as far as my aches would allow, trying to work out what on earth was going on behind me, but all I could see was a lump in the duvet, rising and falling slowly.

  Clenching every muscle I had, I heaved myself upright and lifted the covers, to find Lizzie there, curled up in a ball. It was like someone had put a mirror in between her and Louie. I was clueless as to when that had happened. I certainly hadn’t woken up when she’d wandered in, and instantly I felt guilty that she had needed me and I hadn’t even known.

  I sat on the bed for a bit, watching them, jealous at their ability to sleep. The only time I’d found any peace lately had been that night at Jan and Grant’s, and as my mind wandered, I started to hatch a plan about when I could make a return visit.

  The twins snored on and eight thirty ticked around. As it was Sunday, none of the scummers were in a rush to wake the troops, not at the expense of an extra hour in their beds.

  The silence was broken by the buzzing of my phone, although I had no idea who’d be texting me at this time of the morning.

  Am gssng u r up? Meet me usual plce, 11.30. Dx

  A grin flicked across my face as the rest of the day took a turn for the better.

  Pulling myself to my feet, I went in search of clothes – in particular, ones that had been washed at some point in the last six months.

  To be honest, everything I put my nose to had the same stale whiff to it, which confused me. There must be something on the floor that hadn’t been worn yet …

  It wasn’t until I lifted my arm and stood downwind of my pits that I realized maybe the problem wasn’t so much the clothes but the body that was about to fill them.

  Pulling a towel from the back of the door, I headed for the shower. If I could get myself clean, I could cover the smell of my clothes with a blast of Lynx. Closing the bedroom door gently behind me, I couldn’t help but smile. What was coming over me?

  I spent the walk to the bench worrying I was going to be stupidly late. The state of my body meant everything had taken three times as long as it normally did. So when the can of deodorant had decided to hide from me as well, I was seriously behind time. As I reached the bypass, I tried to break into a gentle jog, but it was a short-lived attempt. Every bend of the elbow and jolt of the knee sent shock-waves up to my brain.

  As I reached the corner that led to the allotment, I could see I was nearly thirty minutes late. It was pretty unlikely Daisy would still be waiting. She wasn’t exactly full of patience.

  So it came as a bit of a relief to be greeted by a cloud of cigarette smoke hovering above the bench. Daisy was in residence, and if the grin on her face was anything to go by, she was in good form too.

  ‘What happened to you last night, then?’ she asked, the sentence p
eppered with laughter.

  ‘Nothing. Why?’ I answered defensively.

  ‘Because you’re walking like you’ve crapped yourself … and what is that smell? Good God, Bill, have you had a bath in a bucket full of bog cleaner or something?’

  ‘Is this what you wanted to see me for, just to rip the piss?’ I huffed, as I rethought my plan to sit beside her on the bench.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, giggling. ‘I’ve just never seen anyone walk like that … unless they had piles or something.’ She was off again, her shoulders shaking beneath her oversized shirt.

  My temper rising, I couldn’t help but bite on the bait, and before I knew it the words had escaped from my mouth.

  ‘You can talk. You get dressed in the dark this morning? I see you’re wearing your dad’s shirt again. Who was your old man anyway? Some kind of giant or something?’

  The words hung in the air as the smile disappeared from Daisy’s face. She jammed the rollie back into her mouth and sparked it up again, inhaling deeply.

  ‘I’m sorry, Daisy,’ I moaned. ‘I didn’t think.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ she said, her face impassive. ‘I had that one coming, so forget about it. So, what did happen last night? You look like you’re hurting.’

  ‘I’m all right. It just didn’t turn out quite how I thought it would when I left you.’

  And then I told her the story of the night before, from my conversation with the twins, to the gym and my ‘fight’ with Ron, right through to my visitors during the night.

  ‘Sounds like you had a proper birthday after all,’ she said with a grin. ‘And what’s that Ronnie all about? He’s a dark horse, that one.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, you go on about him all the time, about what a nightmare he is, and how he treats you badly and all that. Next thing you know, he’s flogged half of his worldly goods to make you the next champion of the world! He sounds like a real nightmare to me, Bill, he really does.’

  I couldn’t help but feel defensive as the sarcasm dripped off her words.

  ‘You don’t know what he’s like, Daisy. He’s manipulative. You don’t get anything for nothing with Ron. He doesn’t work like that.’

  ‘You need to cut him a little bit of slack. I know he’s a pain in the arse. I can see that from all the things you’ve told me. But answer me this. Aside from the twins, who have you known the longest in your life? Who’s been there, without fail, regardless of whether you wanted them around or not?’

  ‘Dunno,’ I mumbled as I kicked the bench like a sulking kid. ‘Social worker, I suppose.’

  ‘Billy!’ she shouted, impatience filling her voice. ‘That’s crap and you know it. Just admit it. It won’t kill you to say Ronnie’s name, you know.’

  ‘Whatever.’ I was determined not to say the words. ‘You up for doing something, then? Or do you just want to take the mick all day?’

  Daisy bumped me with her shoulder, her attempt to break the ice and move the conversation on.

  ‘Nah, I’m done. You’re too easy to wind up. Anyway, I’ve got something for you.’

  My ears pricked up. ‘Oh aye, what’s that?’

  ‘Close your eyes and hold out your hand.’

  I looked at her suspiciously. ‘I’m not ten.’

  ‘I know you’re not. But if you want your prezzie, then do as I say.’

  Frowning, I did as she asked and felt her drop something on to my palm.

  ‘What’s this?’ I asked, opening my eyes to a small maroon box.

  ‘What does it look like?’

  ‘Looks like a box.’

  ‘You scare me sometimes, Bill, you really do.’

  ‘It’s a ring box, isn’t it?’ A bit of fear had crept into my voice.

  ‘Depends what’s in it, doesn’t it?’

  ‘And what is in it?’

  ‘Well, open it, you tool, and then you’ll know. And don’t look so scared. It’s not what you think it is. Don’t flatter yourself.’

  I looked her in the eyes as I flipped the box open. I couldn’t help but think it was just another of her wind-ups. And if it was, I was off.

  She was right, though. It wasn’t what I thought. In fact, at first I was a bit disappointed, because wedged inside the box was a jagged piece of green plastic.

  I frowned as I brought it closer to my face. ‘What is it, then?’

  ‘Take it out of the box and you’ll see.’

  I wedged my fingers in and pulled it out, letting it fall into my hand.

  It was a star. A green plastic star. And for a second I was speechless.

  ‘Thought it might be just what you needed. Twenty-four-carat plastic, you know. Not just any old crap. Guaranteed to glow in the dark, that is!’

  ‘Cheers, mate.’ I was smiling now, amazed that she had even remembered our conversation.

  ‘Just don’t lose it, all right? I can’t afford another one.’

  ‘Reckon I’ll be needing it. Can’t imagine I’ll be doing a lot of sleeping once the twins have gone.’

  ‘You mustn’t think like that. There’s still a lot that could happen, and from what you’ve told me, Annie sounds pretty flaky. Any sign of that this time and there’s no way they’ll let it happen.’

  ‘You know what scares me most?’ I admitted as I sat myself on the back of the bench.

  Daisy shook her head.

  ‘That they’ll forget about me.’

  ‘Don’t be an idiot, Bill. There’s no way that that’s going to happen. You’re their brother. You’ve practically brought them up.’

  ‘But you haven’t seen them when they’re around her. I can’t compete. They only see her once a week and it’s like I’m invisible. What’s it going to be like once they’re living with her?’

  ‘Look,’ she said, sitting beside me. ‘Someone I know told me that you’ve got to fight stupid thoughts with logic. To prove to yourself that whatever you’re thinking is nonsense.’

  I just looked at her blankly, clueless as to what she was banging on about.

  ‘I’m serious, Bill. I mean, what happened to the twins when you went to live with that foster family?’

  I tensed at the mention of Jan and Grant, and started picking at some loose skin by my thumb.

  ‘Come on, Bill. I’m trying to help you here. Throw me a bone, will you?’

  ‘What do you want to know?’ I barked. ‘There’s nothing to tell!’

  ‘Well, what did the twins make of it?’

  ‘It was horrible, what do you think? They didn’t understand why they couldn’t come with me. They thought I was leaving them. Abandoning them, just like Annie did. When the scummers told them about it they cried for about a week, wouldn’t let me out of their sight, even to go to the bog. I begged Ronnie and the social workers to keep us together, told them I didn’t care about getting a placement, told them I’d wreck the place once I got there, so the new family would have no choice but to send me back.’

  ‘And did they listen?’

  ‘Nah. They reckoned this was the only option. That they’d never find a family prepared to take on all three of us. But the twins as a pair, that was a different matter. They had someone lined up for them, a family who’d take them on a long-term placement.’

  ‘But that was good, wasn’t it? At least they weren’t being left behind.’

  ‘Yeah, but the problem was Annie. She didn’t mind signing me over, but as soon as she got wind about the twins she changed her tune. Reckoned she was clean again, started turning up for contact, making plans to take them home for good.’

  ‘What I’m getting at, Bill,’ said Daisy gently, ‘is what happened between you and the twins while you were gone. Because from what you’ve told me, I can’t imagine that they changed towards you.’

  ‘Course they didn’t,’ I said, defensive again. ‘There was a load of tears and t
hat, but they knew it wasn’t my choice to leave. And I got to see them every week. They were allowed to come and spend Sundays at my house.’

  ‘So what makes you think it’ll be any different this time? You’ve been apart before and nothing changed. They’re still your family. You’ve got to think about it logically. Why will it be any different this time?’

  I bit my lip as the answer charged into my head.

  Because this time they’re leaving me behind. And the difference is, Annie wants them. Jan and Grant didn’t want me. Not once they realized what I was.

  There was no way I was saying that out loud, so I turned on the biggest smile I had and tried to fob her off.

  ‘You’re right. I see what you’re saying. Nothing changed last time, so nothing will this time. I get it. Cheers.’

  She shook her head and sighed. ‘You, Billy Finn, are full of shit. And I can smell it from a mile off. Or maybe that’s just your deodorant.’

  I tried to butt in. But of course she had other ideas.

  ‘Luckily for you, you have a friend who has a plan. And a camera. By the time I’ve finished, there’s no way the twins will ever forget their big brother.’

  So that was it. Discussion over. And for the first time in our conversation, I couldn’t help but believe her.

  CHAPTER 22

  Her idea was a decent one, I suppose. Genius, Ronnie reckoned.

  ‘Life-story books are a great idea,’ he crowed, as he yanked the glove on to my fist. ‘I’ve used them a few times when kids are moving on. Gives them something to look back on down the line. A sense of who they are and what they came from.’

  ‘But this isn’t a book, is it? She’s going to record it all on film.’

  ‘Book, film … makes no difference. In fact, her idea’s better, because whenever the twins want to see you, all they have to do is put on the DVD. I’m sure they’d rather see your face and hear your voice than read a letter from you.’

  I could see his point, and I didn’t mind talking to a camera, although I didn’t have a clue what I was going to say. The thing that bothered me was Daisy coming to the house. Seeing where I lived. I knew there wasn’t really any other way of doing it, though. She wanted to film me walking round the place, reminding the twins of where they slept, where they ate and played. I couldn’t do that on my own. And I didn’t want anyone else behind the camera but her.