Max's Revenge: a wedding, a party and a plate of dog food stew

by Sally Gould

  ***

  When we arrived at the party, the guests were sipping champagne. A waitress holding a tray of drinks asked me what I’d like.

  “Champagne is fine,” I replied as I took a glass from her tray.

  Mom took it from me. “Thank you,” she said, “just what I need. Max, you can get a soft drink at the bar.”

  Dad took a beer. “Max,” he said in a tone that told me I should be scared, “come with me.”

  We went over to the bar. I had a bad feeling.

  “Hi,” Dad said to the man behind the bar. “This is Max,” He squeezed my shoulder. “He’d like to help out in the kitchen ... washing dishes ... something like that.”

  What! I did not!

  The barman, who was this enormous Maori-looking guy, laughed as he looked me up and down.

  It’s not funny, I wanted to say.

  “Actually, I’m one man short. Could he work the soft-drink machine?”

  “Perfect,” said Dad, “he’s all yours.”

  My mouth fell open. I’d just been sold into slavery. Far out. This was going to be the worst night of my life.

  Dad slapped me on the back. “Be good.” Then he turned and walked away.

  5. BERNARD

  I’d run away, I decided. Dad wandered back to the other guests. He spoke to Aunt Evil. She glanced over at me and shook her head. She’d be thrilled to see me turned into a slave. Dad would regret it though - when I ran away. The door to the kitchen was past the bar; I’d slip in there and outside. But then what? We were out in the middle of nowhere. How would I get to Thomo’s place?

  “Come on, Max,” said the barman, grinning at me, “let me show you the ropes.”

  “Can’t see any ropes,” I grumbled as I joined him behind the bar. Running away would have to wait until I got home. Then I could pack a bag, sneak out and hide in Thomo’s old cubby house.

  The barman held out his enormous hand. “My name’s Bernard.”

  I shook his hand. His accent was a little weird. But he wore a diamond stud in one ear, so I guess that made him cool. And he had the whitest teeth and the biggest smile, so I guess he might be fun.

  He showed me where everything was and how to use the dishwasher. He was showing me how to use the soft-drink machine when I heard a cough behind us. I turned to see Aunt Evil.

  “How’s your back?” she asked me, as though she cared.

  I knew she wished that I’d ended up in hospital with my legs and arms in plaster. “It’s fine,” I replied, as though I fell from the top of a flagpole every day.

  The middle of her eyebrows rose halfway up her forehead. Then she said to Bernard, “Lemon, lime and bitters.”

  “Yes, madam.”

  “Just a splash of lime and a dash of bitters,” she called out. “And serve it with a slice of lemon.”

  Bernard winked at me.

  Yeah, he was cool.

  He watched me as I scooped up some ice in the glass, poured in a little lime cordial and hit the lemonade button. He handed me a small dark bottle and said, “Only a dash.”

  I added three drops. If I’d had a bottle of poison in my pocket, I would’ve added a dash of that too. I placed the drink on the bar in front of Aunt Evil.

  “You forgot the lemon,” she said.

  Using a pair of tongs, Bernard dropped a slice of lemon into the glass.

  In her I’m so superior voice, she said, “Thank you very much.” Then to Bernard she added, “Make sure you keep a tight rein on him. He’s a troublemaker.”

  “Good idea,” he replied. “Got any reins?”

  I laughed, but Aunt Evil didn’t. She gave me one of her evil looks before she stuck out her chin and strode away.

  Bernard polished a wine glass and gave me a sideways look. “So, what did you do wrong?”

  “Nothing much,” I said with a shrug.

  “Yeah, I guess your mother bought that suit so you’d look nice and smart behind the bar.”

  I tugged my collar. “Me and my brother made a noise in the church, we got sent outside, I climbed to the top of the flagpole and, after everyone came out of the church, I fell.”

  “Oh,” he nodded. “That’s impressive.”

  “I’ve done worse.”

  He laughed, which made me laugh. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be the worst night of my life.

  But after that it got boring. Most of the time I watched Bernard pull beers and mix drinks. I poured a lousy seven soft drinks and three of them were pink lemonades for Hamish the Horrible. Once the guy on the microphone began to talk to the guests, the drink orders stopped altogether.

  A girl from the kitchen came out and gave Bernard dinner. He ate it at the end of the bar, where the guests couldn’t see him. It smelt like roast chicken - yum, my favourite. My tummy rumbled. I hadn’t eaten for hours. Could I die from starvation?

  Bernard caught me staring at his dinner. “I’ll get you something to eat in a minute.”

  “Thanks,” I mumbled, feeling my face go hot.

  I watched waiters serve a meal to every guest at every table. My tummy rumbled even louder. I saw Aunt Evil shoving half a bread roll in her big mouth. She was going to pay. How, I still didn’t know. It might take a while to think up something bad enough.

  I noticed Charlie over on a far table sitting next to Lucy. While they ate he chatted to her like they were best friends. She even giggled. He’s not funny! I’m the funny one, not him! I kept my eye on them. Charlie didn’t shut his mouth; he kept talking and talking. And Lucy listened. She nodded her head, laughed and twirled strands of her long dark hair around her finger. NO!

  Bernard came back to the bar. “This will be good work experience,” he said, “for when you’re older and you want a part-time job.”

  “Why would I want to work?” I glanced over at Charlie. He checked Mom and Dad weren’t looking and then took a sip of red wine, as though he were some cool twenty year old. Lucy watched him. Scumbag!

  Bernard laughed. “For money.”

  “I don’t need money.” I tried not to sound like a smarty-pants. “I already own a car.” Actually, Charlie and me both owned Uncle Jack’s Monaro.

  “Really?” He seemed amazed. Maybe he didn’t even own a car. “How will you pay for petrol?”

  “Umm,” I shoved my hands in my pockets, “I don’t know.”

  Three waiters came to the bar at once, so Bernard began pulling beer and mixing drinks. The wine was on the table, as Charlie had discovered. It sucked only being able to get soft drinks because most of the orders were for beer and spirits, so I didn’t get to do much. At least Bernard had showed me how to use the soft-drink gun. At first I sprayed Fanta all over the bar. Then I got the hang of holding the gun real still and letting go of the button in time. Charlie and me could have great fights with a couple of soft-drink guns.

  When there were dirty glasses, I had to pack them in the dishwasher. I hated that job, and I stank of beer. At home I only unpacked the dishwasher.

  Three guys with stupid grins on their faces came toward the bar. Even though they wore jackets, I could see they were fit and muscly. They all had dark hair and brown skin. I stepped back.

  Bernard held up his hand and said, “Let me guess. You’ve got a meeting with Mr. Jack Daniel’s?”

  The guys laughed.

  I must’ve looked confused, because Bernard showed me a bottle behind us with a black and white label. It read, Jack Daniel’s whiskey.

  “Oh.” I nodded.

  The tall one with hardly any hair said, “We’re on water; we’ve got a triathlon tomorrow.” He looked me up and down. “Are you Max?”

  I nodded. I must be famous already. Maybe they knew me as Max the Marvelous.

  He pointed to the guy next to him and said, “This is Jamie,” and then he pointed to the other guy. “This is Ed. And I’m Tom. We’re Sophie’s brothers.”

  “Oh, hi.” I guessed that made us related in some way. I shifted from one foot to the other. “Dan’s my uncle.” T
hey would’ve known that, but what else was I meant to say?

  “That was some fall you had. Are you okay now?” asked Ed.

  “Yeah,” I said, “except I’m hungry.”

  They laughed and Ed leaned over the bar. “Do you want us to get you a meal?”

  Bernard interrupted. “I’ll get Max fixed up with something from the kitchen.”

  I imagined a plate of leftover macaroni and cheese turning around in the microwave; I could hardly wait.

  “Max,” whispered Jamie, “could you sneak into the kitchen and grab us a banana?”

  Ed whispered, “Two would be better.”

  Tom and Jamie gave each other the same sneaky grin.

  I stared at them. Lots of questions swum around in my head. Like, were they still hungry? Did they want to make a banana milkshake? Did triathletes need to eat a banana the night before they raced? Why were they whispering?

  Bernard laughed. “I’ll see what I can do.” He headed to the kitchen.

  “Thanks a lot,” they called out at the same time.

  I leaned over the bar and whispered, “What’re you going to do with the banana?”

  6. THE SOFT DRINK GUN

  Jamie winked at me. “Plug a hole.”

  I didn’t find out what he meant because the guy with the microphone made a joke and said it was time for the speeches.

  The brothers looked at each other. Then Tom pointed his finger at me like it was a gun and said in a deep robotic voice, “We’ll be back.” And they took off.

  Bernard came back and put the bananas under the counter.

  Sophie’s father was real serious. He said lots of nice things about Dan. Everyone liked that - even I liked that because Dan was my uncle. Then Sophie’s father lowered his voice, like he was telling a secret. I could barely hear. He stared at Dan and told him to open a bank account. The account had to be opened at the Commonwealth Bank in the city, near where Dan worked. He told Dan to speak to Frank, the manager, and that Frank was easy to recognize because he walked round with a cigar behind his ear.

  Everyone, even the waiters, listened to every word Sophie’s father said. It was weird. Who would talk about family business in a wedding speech? Or was he going to put lots of money in the account so they could buy a house? What I wanted to know was, what was Dan thinking right now?

  Then Sophie’s father told Dan to pay half his salary into that bank account. Always. Without fail.

  Dan whispered, “Why?”

  Yes! Hurry up and tell us why, I thought.

  “So your wife,” replied Sophie’s father, “can’t spend the whole darn lot on shoes.” He grinned.

  Sophie cried out and then everyone in the room, even Bernard and me, laughed our heads off. Dan grinned and put his arm round Sophie and she hid her face in her veil.

  I looked over at Lucy and wondered if she liked shoes too. Maybe all pretty girls liked shoes.

  The other speeches weren’t as good. Everyone went on about what a perfect couple they were. It was all a bit soppy really.

  Once the speeches were over, music began to play and lots of people got up and danced. Bernard brought me a plate of roast chicken.

  “Only the staff gets this.” He pointed to the guests. “It’s better than that fancy stuff they get.”

  I thanked him and sat at the end of the bar to eat it. The chicken didn’t taste as good as Mom’s roast chicken, but I was starved. Tearing the meat off the wishbone with my teeth, I glanced over to the dance floor. Dad was doing the Twist. How embarrassing!

  Then I choked. Charlie and Lucy were dancing together. He must’ve put her under an alien spell. They weren’t allowed to dance together, the flower girl was meant to dance with the pageboy. And I was meant to be the pageboy. Not him!

  The guy on the mike told everyone it was time to do the macarena and began to play the music. Charlie showed Lucy the moves. When did he learn the macarena? Did he take secret dancing lessons? I’d find out. Not that I wanted to learn too, but it might be good if I happened to be at another wedding with Lucy. Maybe if I became friends with Sophie’s brothers they could invite me to their weddings. Then Lucy could be the flower girl and I could be the pageboy.

  I decided not to look at the dance floor. Instead I concentrated on soaking up every bit of gravy with the chicken and potatoes. When I finished everything (except the green stuff), Bernard brought me out some ice cream with chocolate topping.

  “Thought you might like that better than the fancy pudding they served everyone else,” he said.

  “Yep,” I said, swirling it round like a whirlpool. I took another peek at Lucy. She wasn’t with Charlie anymore; she was dancing with Sophie and the bridesmaids. They looked a bit strange all jumping around in a circle, but that was okay with me.

  Aunt Evil came to the bar just in time to catch me licking the bowl. Was she checking on me? Mom and Dad hadn’t checked on me. Although that could’ve been because they were having a good time and had forgotten about me, or because they trusted me to do a good job (not likely), or because they didn’t care about me at all (yeah, that was probably it).

  I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and asked in my sweetest voice, “Would you like another lemon, lime and bitters, Aunt Avril? Or have you got a meeting with Mr. Jack Daniel’s?”

  Her face went dark. She was furious. Obviously she didn’t like Jack Daniel’s.

  “Where’s the barman?” she demanded to know.

  “Gone to the bathroom.”

  “Oh,” she said. “All right then, I’ll have a lemon, lime and bitters.”

  I smiled deviously. Maybe I could pretend to drop some poison in it and get her worried. That would be fun. I opened the cupboard. There weren’t any bottles marked POISON. Didn’t matter - I had a Plan B.

  With my back to my evil aunt, I slowly shoveled some ice into the glass. I slowly splashed lime cordial onto the ice. Very slowly, like I was in some sort of voodoo trance, I turned round and put the glass onto the drip tray in front of Aunt Evil. Slowly, I picked up the soft-drink gun and held it above the glass. Then I made my eyes go into the back of my head so she’d only be able to see the whites and I’d look like a zombie.

  “AHHH!”

  She screamed so loud, cola shot out of the gun and went everywhere. Well, not everywhere. Mostly on Aunt Evil’s face and hair and all over her crimson dress. Like a dog, she shook her head and cola flew from her hair. “AHHH!” she screamed again.

  She wiped her face and pointed her finger at me. “YOU!” she shouted.

  “It wasn’t my fault!” I glared at her. “You screamed.”

  She stared at my hand. The hand that was holding the soft-drink gun.

  I looked down at the gun. Then I realized what I’d done. I’d accidentally pressed the cola button. I felt my mouth open and shut.

  Oh my God! I was dead!

  All at once people came from everywhere. First, I saw Bernard with his hand fixed over his mouth. He was trying to stop laughing. In the crowd I saw Sophie’s brothers, Charlie, Lucy, Nanna, Mom and DAD!

  OH, NO! I WAS REALLY DEAD!

  “Max!” he barked. “Come here!”

  7. THE WEDDING CAR

  I swallowed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Aunt Evil enjoying my embarrassment while she dabbed herself with tissues that Mom kept handing her. Mom glanced at me. I could tell she was disappointed. For her, being disappointed was worse than being angry.

  I wondered if I should make a run for it. There was a gap in the crowd. I’d run once when I broke a window, but Dad had caught me. He was fast. But that was last year; now I’d be faster.

  “Maaax,” he said, as though he could read my mind.

  I studied my shoes and edged toward him. “It was an accident,” I mumbled. I couldn’t tell Dad I’d been thinking all day about how I’d get my revenge on Aunt Evil. And when I did, I’d make it worthwhile; nothing silly like spraying a bit of cola over her. I looked up. Dad’s eyes drilled holes into me.
/>   “What can I do with you?” He sounded desperate.

  Jamie, Sophie’s youngest brother, stepped forward. He said to Dad, “We’ll look after Max.” Then he whispered in Dad’s ear.

  Dad nodded.

  What was going on? Were they plotting against me? I’d thought Jamie was a good guy.

  Charlie came up and elbowed me in the side. “That’s the second time you’ve got in big trouble. That’s two points off you, so I win.”

  “What! You cheat. Taking points off wasn’t in the rules.”

  “It’s logical.”

  “Is not.” I felt Jamie’s hand grip my shoulder. He pushed me away from Charlie, then gave me a sneaky smile and whispered, “We’re going to decorate Sophie and Dan’s car. Grab the bananas and come with us.”

  It sounded like a trick. “Dan’s car doesn’t need decorating.”

  “It’s a tradition. When a couple gets married, their car gets decorated with balloons and streamers and stuff. Then everyone knows they’re just married.”

  “You want me to help trash Dan’s car?”

  “Yep.”

  “Dad’ll kill me.”

  “No he won’t. He’ll be proud of you.”

  “Can I get that in writing?”

  Jamie laughed. “Come on. We have to be quick.”

  I went back behind the bar and grabbed the bananas from under the counter. I told Bernard what I had to do. “Bye,” I said. “Sorry about the cola.”

  “No problem.” He gave me that great big white smile. Then he said, “Wait. I’ve got something for you.” He went into the kitchen.

  Maybe he was going to give me a handful of chocolates as a reward for helping him. Maybe they’d be filled with peppermint cream. I wondered if I had to share them with Jamie, Ed and Tom.

  Bernard returned with a paper bag and shoved it in my hand. I could tell it wasn’t chocolates. It felt hard.

  “There’s a can opener in there. Put them under the hood. The smell will take ages to go away.”

  Jamie was waiting, so I didn’t even ask Bernard what he meant. He shook my hand.

  I gave Jamie the bananas and followed him outside and down to the car park. Tom and Ed were waiting beside Dan’s silver sports car. They’d taken off their jackets and put on old sweaters.

  Jamie said to them, “Max is going to help.”

  Tom, who was holding a green garbage bag full of stuff, laughed. “No wonder you’re called a troublemaker. Tell us if you come up with a good idea.”

  I handed him the paper bag. “For under the hood.”

  When he opened the bag, he yelled, “Brilliant! Soph’ll kill us.” He pulled out a can of sardines.

  Ed held his nose as though the can was already open. “Yuk, I should’ve thought of it.”

  Laughing, Jamie said, “Let’s get to work.” He clicked the remote to open Dan’s car.

  Tom opened up the garbage bag. In it there was a toilet roll, a bag of rice, streamers, a piece of rope, packets of pink balloons, Vaseline, tin cans already tied together with string and a large packet of Styrofoam bits.

  “Wow,” I said, “Charlie’s missing the best part of the wedding.”

  “Max,” said Tom, handing me a couple of packets, “you can spread the Styrofoam through their luggage and tie the streamers to the antenna. I’ll blow up the balloons, Ed can rewire the horn. Jamie, you can do the rice first and when Max has finished with the luggage you can spray the shaving cream and put the tin cans and the toilet roll on the car.”

  I waited for Ed or Jamie to complain, but they said, “Yep,” and got to work. Charlie and me could never divide a bunch of jobs like that in a million years. But I guess making a mess was more fun than tidying up.

  Jamie opened the trunk, where the suitcases were. When I opened Sophie’s suitcase I felt guilty - for a second, anyway.

  The job was finished in a flash. I wanted to keep doing stuff, but everything was done. Dan would only know it was his car because the words JUST MARRIED were written on the back windscreen with shaving cream.

  We put all the leftover stuff into the garbage bag and Tom and Ed changed back into their jackets.

  “Great job, Max,” said Jamie.

  “Thanks.” I picked up the garbage bag. “I know where there’s a big bin outside. I’ll see you up there.”

  Tom and Ed thanked me and then they all took off.

  I began to walk up a different path, the one that went toward the kitchen. Once they’d gone inside, I turned round and ran back to the car park. I only took a minute to find Aunt Evil’s red Merc. It was locked. Of course it was locked. Then I remembered that Christmas when Uncle Jack secretly borrowed Aunt Evil’s car keys, so he could fix the dent he made when he reversed into her car before she saw it. I had to make a decision quick. Soon Dan and Sophie would leave and everyone would come out to say goodbye. Would I just decorate the outside of the red Merc? Or would I sneak back into the party and try to borrow her car keys?

  A minute later, I slipped into the party without anyone seeing me. Most people were dancing. I saw Lucy dancing with Ed. That was okay, I suppose; better him than Charlie. I snuck under the tablecloth of the first table and crawled along the floor until I reached the third table, where Aunt Evil had sat. Her handbag wasn’t under the table. She must have it with her. Now I wished I hadn’t wasted valuable time.

  I was about to crawl all the way back when I saw two solid legs with a beaded black handbag on the floor next to them. I knew those legs. I held my breath and, on my tummy, I edged toward the handbag.

  Very slowly, I unzipped the zip. Very slowly, I reached in. I felt her wallet, a lipstick, a handkerchief, and then I felt them - the car keys. Very slowly, I pulled them out and put them in my pocket.

  I edged away from the handbag and crawled back out the way I’d come. For a moment I wondered what Dad would do if he caught me.

  When I crawled out from under the first table, I heard a gasp. I looked round to see Lucy. Her hands flew up to her face.

  I’d scared her. My heart began to beat fast, like it did when I finished a race. “I’m going to decorate a car. Do you want to help me?”

  She looked unsure. The ribbon in her hair had gone and her hair was a bit messy. Close up, she was even more beautiful.

  “It’ll be fun.”

  “I guess. I’ll tell my Dad.”

  “No, you can’t do that. We won’t be long.”

  Her face lit up. “I guess we’ll get in trouble?”

  “I will if we get caught,” I admitted. “The secret is not getting caught.”

  She tugged on my arm. “Let’s go.”

  8. THE BANANA TRICK

  Lucy giggled as she scattered Styrofoam bits through the trunk and the inside of Aunt Evil’s car.

  I carefully laid the leftover sardines in nooks under the hood and then I smeared Vaseline all over the steering wheel.

  Lucy put rice on top of the sun visors and we laughed. “Imagine the rice falling everywhere when she pulls them down,” she said.

  With the can of shaving cream, I wrote THE EVIL ONE on the back windscreen. Then we blew up balloons until we were out of breath and put them in the trunk and inside the car.

  Last, I shoved a banana in the exhaust.

  “That’ll make her jump,” said Lucy.

  We stood back and admired the result. “Almost as good as the bride and groom’s car,” I said.

  “This was the best part of the wedding,” she said. “Do you always make everything fun?”

  “I try.”

  We ran back to the party, dumping the garbage bag in the bin on the way. We stood at the doorway. I could see Sophie and Dan getting ready to leave. Aunt Evil was still sitting at the table with Nanna.

  “I’ve got to get the car keys back without her noticing,” I told Lucy.

  “I’ll talk to her,” she said, giving me a special smile. She took the hair ribbon from her pocket and went over and asked Aunt Evil if she’d help her tie it. Aunt Evil co
mplained she didn’t know much about ribbons, but she’d try.

  I dropped to the ground and crawled under the tables until I reached the handbag. I could hear Lucy thanking Aunt Evil. The moment I dropped the keys in, I felt a sharp kick in the head. “OW!” I couldn’t help crying out.

  The tablecloth flicked up and Aunt Evil’s evil head appeared. “YOU!”

  I didn’t know whether to run or think of a reason I was crawling around under her table.

  Lucy crouched down. “Did you find my necklace?” she asked me.

  Wow, she was quick. “Not yet,” I said, rubbing my sore head.

  Aunt Evil looked from me to Lucy and back to me. “What are you two up to? I’m not completely stupid, you know. Lucy hasn’t been anywhere near my table all night. She couldn’t have lost her necklace here.”

  “We’ve looked everywhere else,” I said, getting out from under the table.

  “Avril, he’s a good boy,” I heard Nanna say. “Sophie is about to throw the bouquet. Why don’t you see if you can catch it?”

  Aunt Evil followed Nanna over to where all the guests were. Me and Lucy followed. I couldn’t see Charlie, but I hoped he saw me with her. Lucy joined the group of unmarried women hoping to catch Sophie’s bunch of flowers. Sophie turned her back to them and threw it behind her high up in the air. Everyone cheered.

  At first it looked like Aunt Evil was going to catch it, but she missed it and it fell into Lucy’s outstretched hands. She turned to me and looked embarrassed. I smiled and realized tonight had turned out pretty good. I guess I didn’t need to run away.

  Everyone followed Sophie and Dan outside. Sophie cried out in shock when she saw the JUST MARRIED sign on the back windscreen of their car. Dan’s eyes went from the streamers tied to the antenna to the pink balloons packed in the car, to the tin cans and toilet roll hanging from the back. Then he said something Charlie and me aren’t allowed to say.

  I wished I could’ve seen the balloons fly out when Dan opened the trunk.

  Charlie pointed at the car. “Did you get to do that? That’s not fair.”

  I gave him a self-satisfied look. “Yep.”

  While Dan threw out enough balloons so he and Sophie could fit in the car, I yawned and said to Mom, “I’m really tired.” She was obsessed with me getting enough sleep.

  “We’ll leave as soon as they drive off.”

  Dan turned on the engine. BANG! Everyone jumped, even me.

  “Ah, the old banana trick,” said Dad.

  I didn’t want him to hear a second bang. I had to get out of here.

  As everyone was waving and yelling goodbye, I felt someone touch my arm, and turned to see Lucy. She handed me a piece of paper. Before she turned away to join her mother, I noticed she had the tiniest freckles across her nose. She was beautiful. I glanced at the paper and wanted to jump for joy, as Nanna says. Lucy had given me her email address and her phone number!

  In the distance, Dan’s car horn sounded continuously. He must’ve had his foot on the brake. Lots of people laughed.

  I said to Mom, “Let’s go before I fall asleep standing up.” I yawned again. Not a huge yawn, so she might think I was faking it - just an ordinary, convincing yawn.

  Mom led the way down to the car park. Aunt Evil’s car was parked five cars away from our car. I prayed Dad, Mom and Charlie wouldn’t look in that direction. I could hear Aunt Evil’s shrill voice telling Sophie’s mother what a beautiful wedding it’d been. She mightn’t think that in a few minutes.

  We reached the station wagon and got in. We clicked in our seat belts. Dad started the engine, but he had to wait because lots of cars were backing out at the same time. Out the back windscreen I saw Aunt Evil heading toward her car. My heart beat fast again, but this time it was because I was scared, not because I was talking to Lucy.

  Finally, Dad reversed and we began to move out of the car park. But there was a traffic jam. We stopped. Any moment I expected to see Aunt Evil banging on Dad’s window. In the distance I heard her scream.

  “Was that a woman’s scream?” asked Mom.

  ‘Sounded like a sick cat,” I said. Dad was too busy getting annoyed with other cars trying to cut in front of him to care about a scream.

  Mom listened, but the only sound was the noise of cars trying to get out of the car park.

  Charlie was resting his head on the headrest, his eyes closed.

  Our car edged slowly toward the exit. This was one of those times when I wished I had Charlie’s alien powers. Then I could make all the cars part so our car could get through the exit and to the main road.

  BANG! I jumped out of my seat. So did Charlie, Mom and Dad.

  “Gosh,” said Dad, “that sounded like another exploding banana.”

  “Yes,” said Mom, “that’s exactly what it sounded like.”

  They turned round and stared at me.

  I gave them my best blank look. Then I pointed ahead. “We’re at the main road.”

  They turned back to face the traffic.

  “Wake me up when we’re home,” I said, before I rested my head back and closed my eyes.

  Wow, I realized, I’d gotten away with the best revenge. And I’d done two things today that Charlie had never done. I’d worked as a barman and I’d decorated a bride and groom’s car. I couldn’t care less if he thought he’d won that stupid competition to annoy Dad. And I’d met Lucy. Today had been a great day, after all.

  Dog Food Stew

  1. ARCHER’S