J R

by William Gaddis

  —Yes what about his suit, I meant to . . .

  —No well down to the bank of course Dan we knew none of his bills had been paid because his wife must have torn up all the checks he’d written against this last loan and then cashed one herself for the total before she disappeared but ahm, yes I don’t think anyone was suing Glancy yet they’d hardly . . .

  —No no what I meant was my suit I think he . . .

  —I think Dan means his wife’s suit don’t you Dan?

  —No I don’t think she’s not suing anybody no no I just meant a brown tweed suit he got at the . . .

  —You mean your wife hasn’t mentioned a lawsuit against me Dan?

  —Yes well she may not have seen the ahm, of course she knows about the suit against Dan as driver of the other vehicle but she may not have seen the newspaper story about the keys being left in the death ahm, I have the clipping right here somewhere the death vehicle I think they call it suing for a million dollars on grounds of criminal negligence but of course . . .

  —Prices like that maybe we all ought to sell out. What do they want for the one with the cap pistol.

  —Yes well they’re only asking ahm of course they’re suing the government too but they’re only asking eight hundred thousand in their suit against the school claiming the boy had ahm, might have had a career in music if our testing program hadn’t ahm, of course this other boy who just came to the attention of the telephone company when they discovered he was calling Hong Kong and Sydney Australia without going through their ahm, through approved channels had scored near the bottom of Dan’s . . .

  —Set up a testing program to weed out the bad risks and I end up with . . .

  —Yes well he’d been weeded out too that is to say which was why he was home experimenting with the telephone in the first place, of course I’ve had to write the telephone company that he’s only eleven which will probably make them quite ahm, they’re already quite put out over our pay telephone booth out here of course being billed nine hundred forty-seven dollars in collect calls which can’t be this boy who broke into their long lines because of course he was at home doing a very fine ahm, offered him a very fine salary that is to say but of course I’ve had to write them that he’s only elev . . .

  —Then will you tell me how I end up with this other bunch asking a million dollars for a kid with nothing ahead of him but forty years as a gas station attendant at fifty a week? That’s a hundred thousand tops if he’d stayed out of jail, I told you this testing program was going to blow up in our faces back when Dan started having trouble with his holes and now you’ve got every jobless welfare freeloading . . .

  —Yes well of course when we found out what Leroy was up to it was too late to stop this ahm, naming Dan in the suit by the family of this boy with the music ahm, with the cap pistol that is to say since his test results had put the boy into that class in the first place and of course Dan agrees that . . .

  —Then why the hell wasn’t he in it.

  —Yes well I think Vern means . . .

  —I mean the first thing I told you Whiteback, the only real function you’ve got here is custodial. If he was put into that class why was he out sticking people up with a cap pistol?

  —Yes well I thought you ahm, with the space problem for this expensive equipment our retarded ahm . . .

  —Whiteback had to set the little retreads up in business over in east seven Vern, we talked about it the last time you . . .

  —No well in fact we had to put them into ahm, out of business that is to say Major we talked about it the last time you were in about that new equipment from your subsiderary for our new ahm, setting up our new home ec center where the kindergartners were ahm, where the kindergarten was . . .

  —Where’d you set them up in business, in the halls? their stuff hanging all over the walls out there . . .

  —Yes well I think Vern means the ahm, the three dimensional paintings and the ahm . . .

  —I mean what looks like a lot of boards with chewing gum stuck on them and painted over.

  —Yes well the landscapes that is to say they molded the landscapes in ahm, in gum yes in fact that’s all from the adult hobby show isn’t it Dan I think Dan’s wife worked with the art therapy group for ahm, for arthritics yes even the typewriter portraits received a good deal of ahm, I’m sure if Vern wanted to know more about it Dan your wife . . .

  —What I want to know more about Whiteback is the kindergarten. Where is it.

  —Yes well of course when all this latest equipment from Major Hyde’s subsiderary made it necessary to ahm, made it possible that is to say to set up our new home ec center . . .

  —You put the kindergarten out of business too, is that it?

  —Yes but of course since kindergarten had been held in ahm, where first grade was scheduled before we ran into problems spacewise with ahm, schedulewise that is to say with the ahm . . .

  —Just wait a minute Whiteback, before Vern leads you down the garden path any further I want to know what you’re getting at Vern. I’ve spent a hell of a lot of my company’s time trying to let these youngsters in on the benefits of the latest in educational technology in fact I just had an urgent call from my office and I ought to be there now but I stopped in to see Whiteback on another, on a curriculum matter but I’ll tell you one thing, when I get up and lay my company’s name on the line . . .

  —I think he’s getting ready to tell us what America’s all about Whiteback, all I want to know is whether he’s rim your first grade out of business too.

  —Yes well I think what Mister Hyde meant Vern was ahm, what Vern means Major is of course in terms of the ongoing situation spacewise that is to say we thought Dan might be able to revise some of his testing ahm, testing procedures for the parents of some of our, some of the first graders themselves that is to say whose parents seem to feel quite strongly about the elimination of ahm, finding a place for them among our little second graders that is to . . .

  —Wait Whiteback just wait a minute, I just want to say one thing Vern . . .

  —That would be a blessed relief, Major.

  —I’m getting sick and tired of hearing everything I try to do here twisted around to sound like I’m just doing it for my company as though there’s something wrong with company loyalty I just want to make one thing clear Vern, I’m proud of my company loyalty I just want to make that perfectly clear, I’m proud of it. Look around all you see’s a bunch of unwashed kids that don’t know what loyalty is because they’ve never had anything to be loyal to they never will, sewing the flag on the seat of their pants the way everything sacred’s breaking down the only place left for loyalty if you’ve got any’s the company that’s paying your way, when my company says jump I jump! and when I come in here and lay their name on the line by lining up this equipment to set up your new home ec center at no cost to the district it sounds to me like you’re just taking Whiteback’s little space problems here and twisting them into an attack on the whole situation equipmentwise like this Citizens Union bunch and the rest of these blacks and radicals who try to head me off at the pass every time I see a chance to score for these youngsters and you take Dan here, all this expensive teaching equipment he . . .

  —Yes well of course that’s what the Citizens Union has been ahm, the taxpayers’ reaction to putting equipment like that out in the cold when we’ve already spent ahm, expended substantial sums on it seemed to be ahm, it seemed to be too late to keep the whole thing from keeping ahm from coming down on Dan’s head that is to say. Of course the newspaper speculation that he’s been getting rebates on the equipment was hardly yes one look at you Dan and anyone would know if there was any truth in it you wouldn’t go around looking like ahm, of course Dan agrees the only practical thing to do is to submit his resignation yes in fact I understand he thinks he may have found an attractive opening in industry and of . . .

  —What do you mean leaving us Dan’s leaving us? Dan? You’re leaving us?

  —Y
es well Vern felt ahm, Dan that is to say Dan feels it might help clear the air before we submit this austerity budget I had a copy right ahm yes that’s what you’re looking at there Vern?

  —Yes that’s what I’m looking at there, books the first thing to go of course?

  —Yes well I think books are always ahm, as Vern says the first thing to go in an austerity budget but of course . . .

  —But of course thirty-two thousand for blacktopping the parking lot is still in.

  —Yes well Mister ahm, I think Parentucelli’s appeal to the parents about scraped knees in the old gravel lot was . . .

  —And of course he’s already gone ahead and blacktopped it anyhow, the way he blacktopped two acres of lawn over at my place.

  —Yes well since his equipment was nearby when he finished up Burgoyne ahm, yes Summer Street it’s called now isn’t it and of course his generous . . .

  —I’ll talk about that one in court. Still got him in here replacing your front door lintel for another three thousand, you expect your Citizens Union to swallow that?

  —Yes well in fact they were the ones who ahm, they seem to have finally discovered that those Greek letters make no sense at all and since there’s already been some agitation to ahm, to replace Mister Gibbs of course when they found out it was his idea to make it look like a quotation from Herkahm, yes from the classics that is to say simply by adding curlicues to the letters in that motto his friend Schepperman gave us which sounded ahm, sounded all right at the time of course until we found out it was communist and the whole . . .

  —Listen Whiteback I want him out of here, while you’re on it I want that, that son of a bitch out of here if you think he’s not behind every crazy dangerous subversive Vern do you know him? This, this drunken smartmouth drunk . . .

  —Drinks scotch doesn’t he? Matter of fact I met him recently in that snug harbor around the corner from the Post Office and he pressed a book on me called The Rise of the Meritocracy, great ideas in it Major I’d pass it along if I thought you could read. Pay these kids salaries instead of giving them grades and they might learn what America’s all about.

  —Listen Vern this is . . .

  —Yes well Mister Gibbs’ approach has already ahm, his proscribed openings that is to say have drawn some attention to say nothing of his appearance the last time I saw him about a car loan but of course he was in no financial condition to ahm, no condition to drive that is to say whether he would be as cooperative as Dan here in terms of his ahm, of resigning . . .

  —If you think this school board’s going to him on our knees Whiteback you . . .

  —Yes well no of course but the possibility that firing ahm, firing anyone might reactivate this strike cloud we’ve been under since that young Mister ahm, Mister his name’s on a check right here somewhere apparently our computer issued him one for fifteen thousand dollars which of course was, must have been some more of Leroy’s handiwork that is to say they were going to question him about it before he got away but . . .

  —Leroy? they just let him skip out?

  —No well of course they were getting ready to pick him up when it was in last night’s paper I think an elderly lady who complained to police she was here from out of town looking for an office building at number one Marine Memorial Plaza . . .

  —Nothing like that around here, just our World War Two memorial up by the firehouse being let run to rack and ruin by these freeloading pacifist . . .

  —Yes well it must be a mistake of course the paper said she had a letterhead driving a big ahm, a LaSalle yes you don’t see those anymore trying to park it in front of the Post Office when a man answering Leroy’s description offered to help her, she got out and stood on the curb to direct him and he simply got in and ahm, and simply drove away which makes it sound like that story of ahm, that book salesman’s story who’s suing us that Leroy beckoned him right out in front of that asphalt truck might be ahm, might actually be here’s this check yes, Bast yes E Bast for the evidently the correct amount a dollar fifty-two but of course since he hasn’t returned the other one the insurance company investigators are after him now like everybody else in fact we’ve tried to reach him ourselves since no one else seems to know anything about this little Ring opera but . . .

  —Wait if you mean the one that got up here on the school television with his filthy remarks in front of those Foundation people and lost us that whole support grant Whiteback he’s as bad as this Gibbs, that friend of this Gibbs that cut off his . . .

  —Yes well right now the whole project seems ahm, of course we’d planned it for our Spring Arts Festival but even this pupil who was playing the part of ahm, with all the bicycle reflectors that is to say up in the nurse’s office now may still be absent unless some adoption agency comes through and of course the . . .

  —My boy’s in that Whiteback plays Call to the Colors, really looking forward to it.

  —Yes well of course whether the Spring Arts ahm, whether the new Cultural Center will be finished of course Parentucelli must be ready to blacktop where his men cleared all those woods and trees when they discovered Glancy’s ahm, Glancy that is to say but the architects have been waiting for approval on their building plans since that newspaper smear even though the money already approved in the highway bill appropriation plan for the large stabile to stand out in front is ahm, already approved yes . . .

  —Thought I’d heard they just found a little readymade cultural center running full blast up there when they cleared away those trees Whiteback, books, music, artistic pictures on the walls, might hold your little festival there it sounds like the Major’s boy here could really lead the . . .

  —Look Vern what the hell is he talking about Whiteback he . . .

  —Yes well I think Vern just means that ahm, an old sort of barn studio beyond the trees there some teenagers had apparently taken over for a dope and ahm, and sex club where the police found a number of these glassine bags among the books and music torn up all over the floor and ahm, obscenities spraypainted on the walls yes but of . . .

  —And the pictures Whiteback, I’m sure the Major’s boy would be . . .

  —Yes well no apparently there were pictures tacked up everywhere of ahm, of women with exposed ahm, exposed I think the newspaper used the word exposing their ahm of course I understand the owners are being cited for maintaining a public nuisance but since condemnation proceedings are already ahm . . .

  —I just want to know what Vern thinks he’s getting at with these cracks about my boy Vern if you think you . . .

  —No offense Major, I just thought after what he’d provided the community here with on the school television he might . . .

  —Yes well I think that’s what Mister Hyde came in to discuss and of course if . . .

  —Yes and I don’t know what the hell the uproar’s about, I’m pressed for time but I want to clear this up before it goes any further. My boy told me he’d sent away for a film about karate and when he got it and had no way he could see it he did the logical thing didn’t he? Came in here and put it on some of the school equipment how did he know it was being broadcast all over the countryside . . .

  —Yes well of course we ahm . . .

  —He thought it was a film about karate and he said when he held it up to the light all he could see was a couple of tiny figures doing something how was he supposed to know they were . . .

  —Yes well since most of our viewers ahm, from most of our calls and mail they apparently thought it was part of our new sex education program and found it quite ahm, the letter from the Senior Citizens found the whole subject handled with it’s right here somewhere, seemed to find it quite stimulating here it is yes, handled with refreshing candor . . .

  —There, any reason to take it any further? In fact it sounds to me like my boy performed a real community service here after that smutty thing Vogel showed up with about Millie Amp shortcircuiting her shunt and said he’d just followed an outline Dan here discussed with him, if that
’s . . .

  —Yes well Vogel of course . . .

  —And how many youngsters here saw it anyhow, just the fifth grade mostly wasn’t it?

  —Yes well of course that’s how it happened to ahm, how they happened to see it over to the parochial school too yes apparently they’ve been taking Mrs ahm, taping Dan’s wife’s little enrichment lesson on silkworms and were quite ahm . . .

  —Their own fault then isn’t it? They’ve got their own closed-circuit system over there now what do they expect . . .

  —Yes well of course I’m sure they didn’t expect ahm, rear entry while sitting I believe Father Haight mentioned as something quite ahm, unexpected that is to say apparently that was the only ahm the only sequence he . . .

  —A mixed couple though wasn’t it Major?

  —Yes well I think Vern just means ahm . . .

  —I know damn well what Vern means of course it was a mixed couple, nothing pansy in it at all in fact it sounds to me like my boy helped get these fifth graders off to a good healthy . . .

  —Yes but of course some of the parents are ahm, who took an interest in silkworms that is to say are still somewhat . . .

  —And if this is all the boy’s done Whiteback I don’t know why you even called me in, my office is pretty excited about the way I’ve handled this home ec equipment for them and I’ve got to . . .

  —Yes well no in fact he ahm, yes well he also seems to have been collecting material that ahm, I had it right here yes that was found in his locker and could hardly be confused with ahm, with karate that is to say right under here somewhere they must yes no these are the pictures they sent us out of Mrs Joubert’s field trip but ahm, but but wait but wait if these are the pictures of her field ahm what was she Dan right over under those clippings will you see what’s under those clippings there . . .