The Faithful Heart

by Helena Halme

  Mary looked at her. She didn’t say anything for a whole minute or more and Kaisa regretted speaking out. ‘I mean, what kind of career would you like to have?’ she said.

  Mary gave out a short, strained laugh. She stroked her small, round belly and said, ‘Oh, I’m not as clever as you, with a degree and all that. I didn’t even get very good A-levels, so I guess I’d just work in a shop or something.’

  When Mary had gone, it was nearly 1pm. Kaisa decided to make herself a cheese sandwich and, while she was buttering the slice of wholemeal bread and looking out at the empty nursery school opposite, she supposed her life would be easier in Faslane, where Peter would be home more. Mary had told her that there were two bomber crews, and that while one was on patrol with the Polaris submarine, the other was ashore. ‘You’ll have a lot more time with your hubby,’ she’d said. Mary was happier talking about Peter and Kaisa, than she was talking about her own marriage. Thinking back, Kaisa realised she hadn’t asked Mary any questions about Justin. She’d been too shocked to hear how much Mary knew about Peter’s career. She wondered how much she knew about them?

  Watching the empty children’s swings opposite, Kaisa remembered that during their honeymoon in Finland, Peter had told her he didn’t want children for a few years yet, but that when they did have kids, he wanted them to go to private school. He’d told her that the Navy would pay the fees, but only if she was prepared to move with the Navy, wherever he was serving. But Kaisa didn’t want to think about that yet. Children and their schooling was far in the future; she couldn’t worry about it now. What she needed to do was get a good permanent job, and look forward to Liverpool and being with Peter. In a few days she’d be able to hold him and tell him how much she loved him.

  That was all that was important now.

  Nine

  Peter was carrying a red rose when Kaisa saw him on the platform at Liverpool station. There wasn’t a happier woman in the world at the moment she felt his arms around her again. He took her to a plush hotel in the centre of the city, and they made love quickly and urgently. Peter had told her that they were going to have ‘tea’ at the British Legion in Morecombe, so they had to be quick. ‘But I can’t wait until the evening,’ he’d whispered into her ear in the hotel lobby. Afterwards, as she hurried to put on her black-and-white Austin Reed dress and her new mac, she said, ‘Will I have to drink tea?’ Peter squeezed her bottom and said, ‘It’s not tea as such; it’s what they call dinner. And here they have it earlier. We’re up North now!’ Kaisa thought, ‘Just like in Finland.’ It had taken her a long time to get used to the lateness of the evening meal in the UK, and now she found out that having dinner around 5pm was done here, too.

  While they waited in the hotel lobby for the minibus to collect the officers of HMS Tempest, Peter introduced her to his best friend onboard, an engineer called Tom, and his wife Stephanie, or Stef, as she asked Kaisa to call her. Both Tom and Stef were the kind of couple who were constantly joking with each other, or having mock fights. To Kaisa, they looked as if they were a particularly close brother and younger sister, always teasing each other. Both were also very loud; Kaisa had heard Stef’s laugh from the corridor as she entered the hotel lobby. Stef had her long brown hair pinned up on either side of her face, and her eyes heavily made up. Kaisa felt demure next to her.

  The meal was hosted by Morecambe’s mayor, a large man with a roaring laugh. He wore a uniform with full regalia and was accompanied by a small woman in a lacy dress with pitch-black hair done up in a fragile-looking bouffant. When the mayor spoke, welcoming the officers of HMS Tempest to Morecambe, Kaisa realised the reason for the visit was that the submarine was twinned with the small seaside town. Just as her hometown of Tampere was twinned with Norrköping in Sweden, she thought. The guests also included a small group of old submariners, who had fought in the Second World War. They were old men, with wisps of grey hair, and bent-over bodies. Their suits, which looked far too large for their fragile bodies, sagged under the weight of their medals. Peter introduced Kaisa to one of the ‘old fellows’ as ‘a Finn who fought on the other side in the war,’ and Kaisa kicked his shins with one of her high-heeled courts. Luckily, the retired submariner hadn’t heard the comment and Kaisa could introduce herself as coming from Finland without the sly remark about her country’s historical allegiances.

  The small, plain hall was dominated by a long wooden table, laid out for dinner with white plates and paper napkins. They were served beef, roast potatoes and bright green peas, with sliced white bread and butter. There was only tea to drink, and Kaisa was too timid to ask for water, or coffee. Trying not to gag, she sipped the sweet milky drink, which two women in housecoats had poured out of tall, two-handed teapots. She decided that she’d never drink tea again; she just couldn’t stand the bitter, fatty flavour. The gravy, too, tasted too meaty for Kaisa, and she left most of her food, just managing to pop a few peas into her mouth. After he’d finished his generous serving, Peter glanced over at her full plate and, when no one was looking, switched the plates over and quickly consumed a second dinner. Afterwards, he took hold of Kaisa’s hand under the table, and whispered in her ear, ‘You look gorgeous.’

  Stef and Tom’s teasing wasn’t reserved for themselves; they began to call Peter and Kaisa ‘the young lovebirds’ and made heavy hints about their sex life. They were all desperate for a drink after the ‘dry’ dinner, and went to a number of pubs in Liverpool. Over drinks, when Kaisa tried to stifle a yawn, Tom said, ‘Want to take your husband to bed, Mrs Williams?’ It was already after midnight, and earlier in the evening they’d also had a drink in the hotel bar with the Captain, his wife and the other officers of the boat. Kaisa had spoken to the Captain’s wife, Mercier, an air hostess for British Airways. For some reason, Kaisa had been able to talk to Mercier about finding a career while still being a good Navy wife to Peter in a way she’d not managed with any of the female friends she’d made, or the wives of Peter and Jeff’s friends. Mercier was slim, tall, blonde and beautiful and she told Kaisa she’d had similar worries when she and her husband married. ‘But you know, it’s important that you, too, live your life and do what you want to do with it. If you want a career, then have one. The men can always look after themselves,’ she said. At that moment, the Captain, a weathered-looking man with a mop of black hair, had caught Mercier’s eye across the room, and the two had exchanged a private smile. Kaisa knew the pair had no children, but that didn’t seem to make them less happy. Perhaps that was the way she and Peter should live their lives? Happy when together; concentrating on their own careers when not?

  The next morning after making love, in a tangle of sheets, they talked about Scotland, and Peter said that he’d already been allocated a married quarter in Smuggler’s Way, just outside Helensburgh. ‘We’ll have a whole house to ourselves,’ he said proudly. Kaisa wondered if he knew how strange all this was for her.

  ‘Are there any jobs up there for me, do you think?’

  Kaisa was lying in the crook of Peter’s arm and couldn’t properly see his face, but she could hear him hesitate. He squeezed her harder to himself, placed a kiss on her head, and said, choosing his words carefully, ‘Darling, it may be a bit difficult. But, don’t forget, I will be home for six weeks at a time. And if you’re working, then we can’t do things together during those weeks off, can we?’

  The rest of the day they walked around Liverpool, a city Kaisa only vaguely knew as the birthplace of the Beatles. Even though it was the middle of August, the skies were grey with a constant, cold drizzle clinging to the stone-clad buildings and magnificent statues, but Kaisa didn’t care about the weather. She was on cloud nine, wrapping herself against Peter for warmth as they ducked into a dimly-lit pub for a lunch of scampi and chips. Peter seemed to be constantly hungry; not only for food but also for her. He had kissed Kaisa’s lips over and over while they walked along the rain-soaked streets. Now, in the pub, he squeezed her body close to his and whispered, ‘I’ve missed you
,’ in her ear. He didn’t seem to care that people stared at the two of them. Peter’s new job and the threat of a move up to Scotland hung in the air between them, and eventually Peter said, ‘The appointment to a bomber is a lot sooner than I expected. But I think the Old Man must have given me a good report,’ he added and squeezed Kaisa’s hands in his. They were sitting opposite each other.

  ‘The Old Man?’ Kaisa asked.

  ‘Oh, that’s what we call the Captain.’ Peter leaned over and brushed Kaisa’s cheek with his hand. ‘I keep forgetting that you don’t know these things.’

  Kaisa smiled. Peter was so kind to her; she knew he just wanted what was best for both of them. In the evening they went out to an expensive restaurant and had steak and a bottle of French red. For Kaisa, it was wonderful to do something like that; neither of them cared how much it cost.

  That evening Stef and Tom caught them in the hotel bar, just as they’d collected the key to their room and were about to enter the lift. Peter gave Kaisa a look of apology but Kaisa shrugged her shoulder and squeezed his hand in agreement.

  After Tom bought them both drinks, he, Stef and Peter began gossiping about people from Peter’s previous submarine. Kaisa sank into her own thoughts, about the Captain and his wife, and how they seemed so very happy. Suddenly, she realised the others were laughing and looking at her.

  ‘What?’ she said.

  Tom laughed and said, ‘I was just asking if he’s keeping you up – or rather – you’re keeping him up?’ Tom winked at Peter and clinked his beer glass with Peter’s.

  Kaisa could feel the heat on her face and knew her cheeks had gone a deep red. She’d never been able to talk about sex even with her closest friends in Finland. There’d just been a few hints about the fact that she and Peter had a good time in bed and that, to her, seemed enough. What they did there was too private, too sacred to be shared with others. Peter, too, seemed reserved on the subject, but now he grinned from ear to ear and, smiling at Kaisa, said, ‘Can you blame me?’

  Stef put her arm on Kaisa’s shoulders and said to Tom, ‘Don’t tease her. They’re newly married, Of course they spend every minute in bed, if they can. Just like we used to. Do you still remember that?’ She looked at her husband, then smiled at Kaisa, but the group grew quiet.

  ‘Do you need the ladies?’ Stef said to Kaisa, breaking the silence. ‘Excuse us, gentlemen,’ she said to Tom and Peter and got up.

  In the loos, Stef added more red colour to her lips and smoothed down imperceptible wrinkles around her eyes. ‘I’m pregnant!’ she said to Kaisa, watching her through the mirror, ‘Did you think I was a bit fat?’

  ‘No, no.’ Kaisa was astonished. She’d seen Stef drink G&Ts all evening. Wasn’t that harmful to a baby?

  ‘We’ve been trying for a while and I’m so relieved. When you have to do it, it’s not so much fun anymore, you know.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Kaisa said.

  ‘And when they’re away so much, you just can’t fit in all the fucking you need to!’ Stef laughed loudly and Kaisa was glad there were no other women in the bathroom to hear Stef’s crude language. ‘You’ll see when it’s your turn to get pregnant – it’s bloody hard work!’ Stef said.

  ‘But, you’ve been drinking all evening?’

  ‘Oh, don’t take any notice of that Old Wives’ tale.’

  * * *

  During the three days they were together Kaisa realised how much she’d been worrying about her and Peter’s future together. How strange that of all people, it had been the Captain’s wife who’d come to Kaisa’s rescue, and made her see sense. The conversation made Kaisa understand that what she wanted was a fulfilling career with a good salary, job satisfaction and something that would earn her a good reputation. At the same time she didn’t want to give up marriage, children or her love for Peter. If she was forced to choose between the three, she’d choose Peter, although the career would be a very good second. The question of children was something Kaisa didn’t think she could handle yet; and if she became pregnant accidentally, she’d have to worry about that when it happened. Peter’s Navy career made everything more difficult, she knew that. A Navy wife with a career had to leave the husband in various bases around the country, so not only were you apart during the husband’s sea time, but also when the boat was back at base. But there was nothing she could do about that either. Besides, at the moment it was just Peter who had a career, so his work would have to determine where they lived and what they did.

  Kaisa waved the boat goodbye at Liverpool docks early Monday morning. She cried a little when they parted, rubbing her face against the rough woollen fabric of Peter’s uniform jumper. But she had promised herself she would be smiling when she waved goodbye, a promise she was just about able to keep. There was mist on the horizon, into which the half-submerged black shape silently slipped. HMS Tempest, with her husband onboard, disappeared so quickly, that for a moment Kaisa felt as if her weekend with Peter had been a dream. The few wives who’d stayed on in Liverpool to say goodbye turned around, gave each other hugs and went to their various homes. Stef and Kaisa stood there a while longer, shivering in the cold wind. Stef was driving up to Faslane; she was already living in a married quarter in Scotland, because Tom’s previous submarine had also been based there. ‘You’ll get used to the place,’ Stef said and kissed Kaisa on the cheek.

  Ten

  She’d only been back from Liverpool for ten days, when Kaisa wondered if it was the time of the month that was making her so moody. Or perhaps it was because her contract at IDS had finished and she’d had nothing to do for the past four days. Either way, she just couldn’t lift her spirits. Even watching the children come and go from the nursery opposite, and the happy mothers chatting to each other, didn’t make her feel any better. Watching the morning drop-off and the noon pick-up from the kitchen window had become a habit for Kaisa. She wondered what the women spoke about – was it all nappies and tantrums, or did they discuss real things like the women’s protest at Greenham Common?

  The TV news the night before had included a long report on the American nuclear warheads at the base at Greenham, and how the women there had given up the comforts of their homes to camp outside and try to bring about change. There were several interviews with unkempt, but defiant-looking women, who said they were protecting the children and the future of the world by trying to stop the deployment. There were pictures of the women being dragged away from the fence surrounding the military establishment. The women seemed to think that by protesting against the nuclear facility, they could change the country’s defence policy. At the end of the report there was a picture of another peace camp in Scotland, outside the Faslane base. Kaisa pricked up her ears; she wondered if the camp would still be up in Scotland when she and Peter moved there? Kaisa wondered if she’d have been brave enough to have done something similar, if she hadn’t fallen in love and married Peter. Of course, she needed to apply for more jobs, but with the impending move to Scotland, was there any point? She concentrated on keeping the flat clean and tidy, and making sure all the clothes were washed and ironed for when Peter came home.

  One evening towards the end of the second week after Liverpool, Kaisa’s phone rang. She jumped off the sofa and ran into the hall. She hadn’t heard from Peter since they’d seen each other; there’d been no letters or phone calls.

  ‘Peter?’ she said

  ‘Hello Kaisa.’

  ‘Oh, hello Duncan,’ Kaisa was unable to keep the disappointment from her voice.

  Duncan didn’t seem to notice, and after asking how she was, began talking about the party in Hayling Island and the ‘stolen’ car. Kaisa couldn’t help but laugh when she told Duncan how funny Peter had found the whole affair.

  ‘But listen, Mrs Williams, I didn’t phone to talk about our previous exploits.’ Kaisa could hear the smile in Duncan’s voice and thought how nice it was to talk to him.

  ‘I was phoning to ask if you’d like to come to a Ladies’ Night at th
e base next weekend.’

  Kaisa thought for a moment. What would Peter say?

  ‘I’m sorry it’s such last minute, but I didn’t think I was going to be here, and now I am, and it seems a shame to waste such a good party …’ Duncan paused for a second. ‘And I thought you could do with cheering up.’

  On the spur of a moment, Kaisa said she’d love to go.

  ‘That’s fantastic, Kaisa. I promise we’ll have a good time,’ Duncan said in a husky voice.

  Kaisa noticed she became breathless and her English faltered. ‘Good,’ was all she managed to say. As she put the receiver down, she wondered why she’d said yes. Had she been flattered by Duncan’s invitation?

  How Kaisa wished it had been Peter on the phone instead. She loved him so much, and while she’d been at home and not working she’d been wondering about the feeling. No one knew why anyone felt it, or what love was. For Kaisa it was more like an obsession, and she hoped it was the same for Peter. They were so obsessed with having each other and being together, that they had to marry. Or perhaps it wasn’t that either. What exactly had happened at the Embassy cocktail party in Helsinki?

  At first, there was the nervousness, because Tuuli and Kaisa had arrived so early and had to stand in the corner drinking that sickly sweet sherry. Then there was the arrival of the English officers and Peter appearing out of nowhere. His dark eyes looking deeply into Kaisa’s, asking her name over and over, and standing close to her, shutting everybody else out while he asked questions about who she was, what she did, how come she was there? Kaisa remembered how tall, good-looking and enthusiastic about life he seemed to her, smiling all the time. Kaisa had been brought up to think that if you enjoyed yourself too much, life would hit you in the face in due course. No one got away with enjoying life to the full in Finland. Of course, Kaisa had been engaged to be married to another man, and shouldn’t have been looking deeply into the eyes of any foreign sailor. As the evening went on, Kaisa told Peter as much. But he insisted, and now here Kaisa was, married to him.