The Faithful Heart

by Helena Halme

  ‘Um, I’m not OK.’

  ‘Why, what’s the matter?’

  Kaisa told Duncan what Phoebe had said about seeing him leave the house, and how Max had told her that Kaisa and Duncan knew each other. When she’d finished, there was silence at the other end. ‘I am worried about what Peter will think when he hears all the rumours.’ Kaisa’s heart had started racing and she felt all the fear, and anger, swell up inside her. ‘They’re coming back right after New Year,’ Kaisa said, trying to keep her voice level.

  ‘But Kaisa, all you have to say is that nothing happened,’ Duncan said, and added, ‘If you want to, that is.’

  ‘What do you mean, if I want to!’ Kaisa’s voice had gone up, and she feared she sounded hysterical. Kaisa knew how much Englishmen, particularly naval officers, disliked female shows of emotion.

  But instead of appearing to be annoyed, Duncan’s voice grew low and husky. ‘Kaisa, you know how I feel about you. If you want, I can get into the car tonight, or take the next flight tomorrow morning and bring you back to London. You know you have a job here. Rose was here just tonight and she was saying how much she could do with you right now. You could live with me and …’

  ‘Duncan, no, I can’t,’ Kaisa interrupted him, because she couldn’t listen to his fairy tales anymore. For a brief moment, as she’d been listening to his sexy voice, Kaisa had allowed herself to imagine what it would be like to live in London. That dream of working for a swanky magazine, going out to lunches in nice restaurants and being a legitimate part of fashionable and eccentric Soho hadn’t yet left her. It had been so close and, like a fool, Kaisa believed that she could have both Peter and that life. But she couldn’t. Peter would never leave the Navy and if Kaisa wanted to be married to him, she had to accept life as a Navy wife. That was all there was to it. Now that Kaisa finally understood that, she’d done something that could make her lose him just like that. If Peter found out about Duncan’s visit, Kaisa didn’t know what he would do. He could do anything. Kaisa felt tears rolling down her face.

  ‘Duncan,’ she said, trying to calm down. ‘What have you told people?’

  ‘Nothing, I haven’t told anyone anything.’ His voice sounded hurt. ‘What do you think I am? I am a gentleman and a gentleman never tells.’ Now Kaisa could hear a smile in Duncan’s voice and imagined him sitting by the phone in the hall of his house in Chelsea.

  ‘This is really serious, Duncan,’ Kaisa said. ‘Do you promise that you haven’t said anything to anybody?’

  ‘Cross my heart and hope to die,’ Duncan replied.

  Kaisa sighed and finished the call. She still wasn’t convinced. What if Duncan was lying? What if below that surface of innocence, he was just playing a game? A game where Kaisa was the prize.

  * * *

  It was the morning of Christmas Eve and Kaisa had a headache. After the telephone conversation with Duncan, she’d drunk two more gin and tonics while watching Just Good Friends on TV. In the episode, Penny gets a divorce and Vince asks her to marry him. It was supposed to be a comedy, but Kaisa cried herself to sleep afterwards.

  She was going over to Pammy’s later, but before that she had to phone her mum quickly and then afterwards drive into Helensburgh to get some supplies for Lyn and Lisa – a sort of Christmas parcel for the two of them (and the scary Gerry). Kaisa couldn’t buy anything extra when in the shops with Pammy the day before, and, of course, she couldn’t have stopped at the camp either. Kaisa wouldn’t have time to stay, but she just had to see Lyn to wish her Merry Christmas.

  Before she left for town, Kaisa opened the present Peter had left for her. She didn’t want to do it in front of Pammy, and Christmas Eve was when presents were given in Finland after all. There was a beautiful card with a picture of reindeer and Father Christmas, and the parcel contained a delicate nightdress and dressing gown in baby-blue satin, wrapped in white silk paper. She wondered where Peter had got such an expensive gift, and guessed he must have gone shopping in Glasgow without her knowing. Kaisa had a little cry as as she touched the wonderful garments.

  Thirty

  A New Year, a new life. Oh, how Kaisa wished that could be true. For her it was more a New Year, new problems. Christmas with Pammy had been very different from anything Kaisa had ever celebrated. On Christmas Eve, after she’d been to see Lyn at the camp, Kaisa had hurried home to take all the Finnish food over to Pammy’s. They had got quite drunk on the vodka schnapps and, as a fool, Kaisa had told Pammy all about Duncan. Pammy hadn’t said it, but Kaisa had seen in her eyes that she disapproved. During the rest of the time they spent together, Pammy had been distant. On Christmas morning they’d exchanged small presents while drinking the champagne Pammy had insisted on buying, which had made Pammy a little more friendly. Pammy had cooked the turkey and vegetables, helped by Kaisa, who’d insisted on lifting the bird out of the oven and washing any pots and pans. After the meal, Pammy had put the TV on for the Queen’s Speech, after which Kaisa washed up the dishes while Pammy dozed on the sofa during The Two Ronnies Christmas Special. They’d spent the rest of the evening in front of the TV and, even though all the programmes were festive, to Kaisa it hadn’t seemed like a proper Christmas at all. Kaisa had gone home on Boxing Day and watched more telly in the days leading up to New Year.

  On New Year’s Eve, Kaisa phoned Pammy to ask if she wanted to go to the New Year’s Hogmanay party at the base, but Pammy said she was too tired.

  ‘What’s wrong? Aren’t you feeling well?’ Kaisa asked her. She was worried that all the alcohol and the cooking on Christmas Day had made Pammy worse.

  But Pammy replied crisply, ‘No, I’m absolutely fine.’

  Kaisa sighed and said, ‘Look, are you angry with me? After Christmas Eve, when I told you …’

  ‘Kaisa, I really do not wish to discuss it,’ Pammy interrupted her, ‘it’s your life and I have no interest in your sordid affairs.’

  Kaisa was stunned, and couldn’t speak.

  ‘But don’t worry, I am not a gossip, so your secret is safe. Just don’t expect me to condone your actions, that’s all!’

  The line went dead.

  Kaisa stood in the hallway, with the cream-coloured receiver in her hand, unable to think straight. What had happened? Kaisa had thought Pammy was her friend and would have understood how lonely and desperate she was when Duncan came to stay with her. And Kaisa had told Pammy she’d been very drunk! Of course Kaisa knew she had done something very wrong, but she didn’t need Pammy to tell her that. Kaisa knew she was being stupid, but she thought bitterly how different real life was from the sitcoms on TV. In Just Friends, when Penny accidentally slept with Vince while she was still married, nobody batted an eyelid. They just thought it funny that she should feel bad about it. Even so, how could Pammy feel it was an offence against her personally, what Kaisa had done? Wasn’t it Kaisa’s problem?

  Kaisa felt so angry with Pammy after the phone call, she decided to go to the Hogmanay party on her own. She’d accepted the invitation after all and she knew Phoebe and the other wives would be glad to see her and keep her company. The only reason she’d considered not going was that she hadn’t wanted to leave Pammy on her own if she didn’t feel up to it. Well, that problem was not an issue anymore.

  Although the last day of 1984 was bitterly cold, the morning was lovely, with bright sunshine, which almost blinded Kaisa as she stood at the kitchen window watching the rays glimmer on the surface of the Gareloch. The temperature was minus one. As Kaisa admired the view, her mind wandered and she thought about Lyn. She’d looked so pale and cold when Kaisa had seen her on Christmas Eve. She also wondered if the baby had arrived. Deciding to go and see her, Kaisa showered and got dressed. Wearing her old snow boots, she stepped into the sunshine only to be confronted by Phoebe.

  ‘Where are you off to in such a hurry?’ she asked while planting a dry kiss on Kaisa’s cheek. ‘And look at you all suited up for the cold! Honestly, you Scandinavians always have the right gear for this weather.�
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  Kaisa dismissed the false reference to her being Scandinavian – again. Instead she tried to think of a reason why she could say she was going out. ‘It’s so beautiful, I thought I’d go for a walk.’

  Phoebe looked at Kaisa in horror, ‘A walk? In this freezing weather?’

  When Kaisa didn’t say anything, Phoebe pushed past her into the house. ‘Sorry, I was freezing myself silly out there,’ she said once inside the hall.

  Kaisa sighed and closed the door behind them.

  ‘Don’t be like that,’ Phoebe said, taking off her leather gloves and her old battered-looking Barbour. She walked into the lounge and Kaisa cringed at the state of it; she’d been in such a hurry to go and see Lyn that she’d forgotten to tidy up. The sofa was littered with books and old papers, and the small coffee table still had the remains of that morning’s breakfast on it.

  Phoebe lifted a pile of papers and placed them on the floor. After wiping some crumbs off the sofa with the back of her hand, she sat down. Barely perching on the edge of the sofa, with her back straight and her feet neatly adjusted to one side, she said, ‘Anyway, I tried to call you this morning. Where were you?’

  ‘I don’t know, I’ve been here all the time.’ Kaisa said. Was Phoebe checking up on her?

  ‘Well, I’ve got good news!’ Phoebe said, smiling.

  Kaisa sat down opposite Phoebe. She tried to affect a dignified pose similar to the one Phoebe was displaying, but it was difficult to arrange her feet as neatly as Phoebe whilst wearing the clumpy snow boots.

  ‘They’re coming back!’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake, what’s the matter with you today? The boys! They are going to be here on the third, or possibly the fourth of January!’

  ‘Oh,’ Kaisa said.

  ‘Aren’t you happy about seeing Peter again?’ Phoebe settled her eyes on her. ‘Is it because of …’

  Kaisa quickly interrupted her, ‘No, sorry, of course I’m glad. It’s just been such a long time …’

  Phoebe tilted her head sideways. ‘Ah, yeah, the first patrol is the worst one. Believe me, once you’ve done as many as I have, it’ll be pure routine.’

  ‘Thanks for letting me know,’ Kaisa said and got up. The last thing she needed was one of Phoebe’s lectures on how to be the perfect Navy wife. Or her sympathy, for that matter.

  ‘Well, I’ll let you go on your walk. You were the last one of my list, so …’

  As with everything, even the notification of any news from the bomber submarines had a pecking order in the Navy. Before Peter went away, he’d shown Kaisa the information flow chart of HMS Restless. It showed the order in which officers’ wives and family would be told about the homecoming of the crew. The Captain’s wife would get the first message from the base, and she’d tell the Jimmy’s (or First Lieutenant’s) wife and the Head Engineering Officer’s wife. They, in turn, would phone the next two wives on the list, and so it would go on. Kaisa had noticed that she was near the bottom of the list, just before the families of the ‘Part Threes’, or trainee Submarine Officers. ‘It’s because I’m a junior officer on the boat – but not for long,’ Peter had said and grinned. ‘Don’t you worry, soon you’ll find yourself on the top of that list!’ He had squeezed Kaisa’s waist.

  Kaisa ushered Phoebe out of the house, but even as she was shutting the door behind herself, Phoebe shouted, ‘Don’t forget to make an appointment at the hairdresser; they get booked up really quickly after word gets out!’

  Kaisa had forgotten. Phoebe had told her how the Polaris submarine wives always got their hair done before the men came home. Peter and the other officers often joked that the Russians didn’t need fancy underwater sonar to discover the whereabouts of the British nuclear deterrent. All they needed to do was phone up the two hairdressers in Helensburgh. If they were fully booked, the arrival of one of the subs at its Scottish base was imminent.

  Kaisa drove towards the base feeling completely numb. The sun was already low over the horizon and she could hardly see through the dirty windscreen of the car. The water in the washer had frozen solid, so the wipers just made the screen dirtier, smearing it with dried-up mud. When Kaisa parked her car by the camp, she was surprised to see another car at the end of the lay-by. Through the windscreen she could just make out a uniformed man walk out from the camp and get into his car. With horror, Kaisa realised who it was: Max from the married quarter next to hers! Kaisa quickly ducked inside her car. She crouched by the passenger seat and wondered wildly if he’d seen her. Wouldn’t he recognise her car? Now she was glad the windscreen and side windows were so dirty from the constantly wet and muddy roads into Helensburgh. Lying down in the car, Kaisa listened as Max started his Volvo estate and drove past her without stopping. Kaisa blew air out of her lungs and waited a few minutes before she dared to look out onto the road. Max had driven off. She gave it another few minutes before getting out of her car. Again, she looked around, but the road was empty as usual.

  * * *

  ‘Hi,’ Lyn said and took the bag of goodies Kaisa had assembled from the leftovers of their Christmas meal, which Pammy had insisted, in her hurt voice, that Kaisa take home with her.

  ‘Why was that guy here?’ Kaisa asked her as soon as they’d sat down inside the stuffy caravan.

  ‘He came and issued some kind of warning. Gerry did something to the sign yesterday,’ Lyn sighed. She looked so pale and tired that Kaisa decided to make her a quick turkey sandwich. She’d told Kaisa she’d started eating meat during the latter stages of the pregnancy because ‘Lisa had gone ballistic’ when she’d heard she was a vegetarian. Lyn wolfed down the sandwich and then lay down on the bed and fell a sleep while Kaisa sat and watched her. She looked so peaceful with her messy short hair half-covering her face. Kaisa wondered if she was happy.

  On the way back, with the sun now set beyond the horizon, Kaisa could see what Gerry had done. Over the sign ‘Her Majesty’s Naval Base’ he had scratched a line across the word ‘Naval’ and replaced it with ‘Murder’. Kaisa grinned. What would Max and the rest of the officers and their wives think if they knew she’d made friends with one of the peace campers?

  * * *

  The day so far had been difficult enough to put Kaisa off going to any party, but she couldn’t face spending New Year’s Eve on her own. She thought about Pammy and considered ringing her again, but then remembered her cold tone of voice, and the word ‘sordid’, and decided not to. Pammy knew many more of the other wives than she did. She could call upon them if she felt lonely. She obviously did not want Kaisa’s help, or friendship, anymore. Besides, she’d said herself that her health was almost back to normal, so Kaisa could not be expected to babysit her anymore. She tried not to think about everything she’d done for Pammy, and how unfairly she’d been treated by her. She decided to put the woman at the back of her mind. She was going to go to the party in a cheerful mood, she’d make sure of that.

  As Kaisa was getting ready, the doorbell went again. Outside stood Max.

  ‘Hello,’ he said. ‘We thought you might need a lift tonight. You are going aren’t you?’ He was smiling with his lips, but his eyes remained serious. This was the last thing Kaisa needed, but the truth was that she hadn’t thought about the drinking and driving at all. It also occurred to Kaisa that refusing the offer of a lift would look really strange.

  ‘That’s very kind of you,’ she said.

  ‘OK, we’re leaving in an hour!’

  Kaisa shut the door and went to the kitchen window. To her horror she saw Max lingering next to her car, which was parked right outside the door. He lifted his eyes back to the house and, not knowing what else to do, Kaisa raised her hand and waved to him. He didn’t wave back, but nodded, and turned away. Had he recognised the number plates from earlier that day? Kaisa was hoping he didn’t have a good memory for numbers, but knew she was fooling herself. All the submarine staff had to have a good head for figures, Peter had told her. They needed it to make
calculations when looking through the periscope, and everything had to be done in the head. Peter used to practise his mental arithmetic when they went shopping for food together, adding up the prices of the items Kaisa put in the basket and then checking the total at the till.

  Luckily, Max’s wife Caroline liked to talk so, on the way to the base, she told Kaisa all about their Christmas down South. They’d only come back the day before and had left the children with her parents in Hampshire.

  ‘It was so warm down there, you can’t imagine! The sun shone nearly every day!’

  Kaisa was glad of her neighbour’s chatter. She didn’t have to contribute more than nods and the occasional shake of the head, but Max worried her, because he kept glancing at Kaisa through the driver’s mirror. She averted her eyes for most of the short journey, and when she caught him looking, smiled at him sweetly, while making inane comments, such as ‘Really,’ ‘I know,’ and ‘How lovely,’ at Caroline’s monologue. Finally, when they arrived at the base, Kaisa saw Phoebe and made her way towards her. Phoebe was surrounded by some of the other officers’ wives from the boat, but when Kaisa arrived the women grew quiet.

  ‘We were just saying how much we are looking forward to the boys coming home,’ Phoebe said to her pointedly.

  Kaisa looked at Phoebe and the other women, who were now studying either the floor, their drinks or retrieving something out of their handbags. Kaisa was rescued by a steward, who offered the group pink punch from a silver tray. He was wearing a white waistcoat and gloves that were blackened with dirt on the palms. As Kaisa took a drink, Phoebe leaned into the other women and whispered, ‘Did you see the state of those gloves?’

  ‘It’s a disgrace,’ someone else said.

  ‘The Scots don’t know how this should be done!’ another piped in.

  The scandal over the dirty gloves prompted so much discussion that Kaisa didn’t need to contribute. Instead, she quietly sipped the pink-coloured welcome punch. It tasted sickly, but strong; just what she needed.