Two hundred and fifty miles, I thought. Straight up. I hadn’t left low earth orbit emotionally since Xander had died in my stead.
“Don’t you worry about me, KareBear. I’m good.”
Her mouth quirked. “So you would have the rest of the world believe, anyway.”
I frowned. She was right on that score, too.
“The dedication for Xander’s tree in the Memorial Grove is at the end of September. I was wondering if…”
I already knew, and I’d already been planning to attend. Astronauts, directors and other key employees of Johnson Space Center in Houston were all memorialized in a special grove on the premises. A tree, an elm, was planted with a plaque in front of it bearing the memorialized person’s name.
Xander’s ceremony was coming up, and I’d been asked to speak. “I already know and I’m going to be there.”
She blew out a breath, as if relieved. “Will you stay with us then? AJ would be thrilled.”
I quirked a smile at her. “I aim to please, especially if it’s for that little guy.”
She bit her lip, blinking. “You’re so amazing with him, Ty. Thank you.”
I shook my head. “No thanks needed. You know I love him. You know I love both of you.”
She pulled me into a hug and said, “Damn it’s going to be hard to leave. This weather. The beach. All this fun stuff. I’m not looking forward to it.”
“Ah,” I waved my hand dismissively when she pulled back. “You’ve got three more weeks. You’ll be sick of this place by then.” She laughed, and I watched her, delighted by the sound. It honestly did seem like she was doing better. “You have things lined up for the weekend? I’m sorry I’ve gotta go out of town and be with the girlfriend.”
She shook her head. “It’s still so weird when you talk about that whole thing. I still can’t believe it’s all fake.”
I laughed. “Believe it.”
“Where are you going?”
I adjusted my sunglasses and the brim of my hat. A few women sat up in their chairs as we walked by, and one of them whipped out her phone, appearing like she was going to take a picture. I turned my back to them and faced Karen, just in case.
“Tahoe. It’s up in Northern California. Short flight. It’s a film festival or some such, so I’m sure I’ll have to watch a bunch of artsy crap. I’ll try to get home as early on Sunday as I can.”
She laughed and turned her head to spot AJ, who was frantically pointing at us and then at the sand. We turned slowly to approach him.
“Hammer and Noah want to spend time with us. We’ll have tons of fun.”
I suddenly remembered that weird look that had crossed Noah’s face during lunch when we’d been talking about Karen. “How’s Noah being with you? Is everything all right there?”
Karen shot a look at me. It was speculative, almost if she was trying to figure out why I was asking her that. Then she gave a shrug. “He’s fine. Same old Noah.”
Her pace quickened as she moved to catch up to AJ.
“Look!” AJ called to us as he stood proudly by the work of art he’d scratched into the wet sand. “I wrote all our names.” And as if we couldn’t read them ourselves, he pointed to each one and announced the word to us. “Ty. Mom. AJ.” Then he bent and scrawled a barely recognizable heart around all three names. “So we’ll always stay together.”
I paused, and Karen complimented him on his sand-writing abilities. He ran off several yards ahead of us again to begin scratching out a “secret message” for us to find when we reached him.
I watched him, my heart almost bursting with pride. That handsome boy. That poor damaged kid.
“You know…” she said as we stopped to give him more time to write his message but kept watching him from the distance, “even if the studio had not flown me out here, I would have probably found an excuse to come and check up on you. I’d been keeping tabs on you from afar but it’s not like it used to be. And now my parents…” Her voice shook.
I stiffened. “What’s going on? Are your parents okay?” Jesus, not them, too. I loved Karen’s parents. They were also like family to me. Family I’d been neglecting as badly as Karen and AJ.
“Dad’s retiring soon. Still says you owe him several rounds of golf once he does.” She turned to look at me. “He, uh, he asks after you a lot. Still collects all the magazine articles and records the documentaries and interviews.” I smiled sadly. Xander had often joked that Paul Diaz liked me a lot better than he liked Xander, his own son-in-law. I’d laughed it off, explaining the simple logic that of course Paul liked me better because I wasn’t the man who was sleeping with his little princess.
Now, after having had my own encounter with paternal hatred from Gray’s father, I understood that point-of-view so much better.
Karen’s mention of her father drove home to me how deeply this went, how profoundly I’d been entrenched in Xander and Karen’s family life and how connected they’d been to mine until I’d forced this separation. No wonder everything had felt so lonely, so isolated out here.
Karen was suddenly blinking back tears. “Dad’s planning on moving up north next spring. Mom’s not doing so great healthwise, and it will be easier for him.”
I frowned. “Is her lupus getting worse?”
Karen nodded. “I know the move will be better for them, but I’m dreading it. It’s going to suck not having him there for us. He’s been like a surrogate dad to AJ.” She hastily wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand when AJ came running toward us.
A few feet away, he dropped his stick and beelined it for me, hands raised above his head. I obediently stooped and scooped him up, turning him around and around while he laughed. “I wrote a secret message in the sand.”
Karen chuckled through the last of her tears that, thankfully, her son didn’t notice. “It’s not a secret if you tell us about it, silly.”
We made it there eventually, after a piggy back ride and a few jests where I pretended I was going to throw him into the ocean.
The message said. Ty + Mom + AJ. And below it, three stick figures all inside the same house. “We should always live together,” AJ pronounced.
Chapter 12
Ryan
At bedtime, as with many nights since they’d been visiting, I had the honor of tucking AJ in. This had steadily become the highlight of my day. He’d been quiet at dinner and I’d chalked it up to his exhaustion from our fun at the beach.
I reached for the paperback copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone lying on his nightstand. “You ready, champ?”
He smiled and put his hand out and I thought it was for a high-five, so I gently laid one on him. But instead, he clasped his small hand around mine. He looked earnestly into my eyes with his serious hazel gaze. “Will you come visit us in Houston, Ty? A lot?
“I will. I’m actually going to come visit you guys at the end of September.”
“And then October? Then November?”
I laughed. “Well, I do have to work. And I don’t have my own jet to fly anymore so I can’t just hop over whenever. But I do promise I’ll come.”
“You and Daddy used to fly in your T38 together.”
I smiled and chucked his cheek, trying to ignore the sharp pang I felt whenever AJ brought up his father. “Your dad did the flying. I was his RIO.”
“Radar Intercept Officer,” he said with a proud smile for knowing what the acronym meant.
I grinned. “That’s right.”
“But you can fly it by yourself now, right?”
I nodded, then cleared my throat. The thought of flying without Xander made me glad I didn’t have to get in that jet anymore. When I worked for NASA we went up in them regularly. I still rode, sometimes, with Noah or Hammer in their back seat.
But that begged the question. Would the test flight be any easier to fly without Xander there? And I had to remind myself that he was the whole reason I was doing it. And I would do it.
I he
ld up the book to change the subject. “Ready to go?”
He nodded, easily diverted.
Unfortunately, it was the chapter where Harry, wearing the cloak of invisibility, wanders around Hogwarts castle and stumbles upon the Mirror of Erised. When he gazes into it, instead of seeing his own reflection, he’s surprised to see his dead parents and other relatives within. Because the magical mirror, instead of showing a standard reflection, shows the gazer his heart’s desire.
I sat on AJ’s bed, trying to rush through the part where Harry looks into the eyes of his weeping mother and proudly sad father.
But AJ made me reread the passage three times before I could continue on, each time reliving Harry’s tears as he sees them for the first time he can remember. I was unable to keep myself from thinking about the day that the Navy officers came to my mom’s door to tell me about my own father’s death.
I was unable to keep from wondering how AJ was told that Xander hadn’t survived our EVA. After the fact, I learned that Mission Control had cut the live feed from NASA to the internet and all other public outlets the moment they’d realized something was wrong. When had they notified Karen? How had they managed to get her into the Space Center so quickly to be able to talk to him during his last minutes?
And when had she told AJ the reason they were going into Mission Control so early in the morning? What was his indelible memory of that time? The time he’d known for certain that he’d never see his father again? That Xander would never teach him how to play baseball or knot a necktie or ride a bike without training wheels?
Or watch him graduate.
Or give him advice on his wedding day.
Or proudly hold his newborn child.
I swallowed a lump, trying not to notice the solitary tear that trickled out of AJ’s right eye, down cross his temple.
“I wish there really was a Mirror of Erised,” he whispered in a trembling voice.
I reached out and covered his small hand with my own. “So do I, buddy. So do I.”
“I don’t want you to read to me anymore tonight,” he said after a long pause.
“Okay. You want a drink of water?”
“No, I just want to be alone. I need to think about things. Can you leave the light on?”
That request I understood better than anything else he wanted. I held my fist up to his for a bump. “You’re the champ in my book, bud.”
He smiled weakly. “Thanks.”
I replaced the infernal book back on the nightstand, moving the bookmark to the following chapter where, hopefully, he wouldn’t notice that we’d skipped ahead. I didn’t want to read any more references to the Mirror of Erised.
I stood in his doorway for a few minutes as he lay quietly, staring up at the ceiling. His lips moved as if he was whispering something to himself. An overwhelming and ferocious feeling of protectiveness took hold of me. At that moment, I knew for sure that I would walk through fire for this boy. I’d cross an ocean for him. I’d do anything to keep him safe.
And I wanted to be able to read him stories. More stories. Every night.
And be there to see all of his firsts.
I ducked into my bedroom, splashed some cold water on my face, and took a deep breath. I could have used a drink right then, but I wouldn’t do it. I’d been saving it for just before bed.
If Karen could get through this shit every single goddamn night, then I could do it for just one, for her. Without vodka to bolster me up.
I swallowed, thinking about the day as I made my way to the back deck where Karen stood watching the moon rise in the east. It was almost full, and there was plenty of light out here besides.
I came up behind her and wrapped her up in a big hug. She let out a long breath and turned around to return it.
“Thank you,” she said. “This has been a good day. A really good day. We need more good days. All of us.”
I looked down into her beaming face and smiled as well. “AJ needs them most of all.”
She nodded solemnly. “Yes, he does.”
“I want to help you,” I said, my arms still wrapped around her.
She nodded. “You’re being a great help, Ty. Just being here with you has done wonders for him. And me, too, for that matter.”
I took in a deep breath and summoned up the courage to say what I had to say. “I want to take care of you two.”
She smiled sadly, looking up at me with weary eyes. “You’re over a thousand miles away from us.”
I leaned forward. “So move here. Into my house.”
Her brows knit. “What are you saying, like—live together?”
I released her to give her some room and to give me the breathing space I’d need to get this out before I chickened out. “We could get married. I’d be AJ’s stepdad. Your family already likes me. AJ is the closest thing to my kid.”
She pulled back and turned to take up her wineglass, pressing it to her lips.
I watched her closely. A voice at the back of my head was shouting at me, telling me what a stupid idea this was. But why couldn’t I make it work? Why couldn’t I fix things this way?
I didn’t love Karen—not in that way. And she didn’t love me. But many marriages were happy even when there wasn’t passionate love. I’d probably never know that kind of thing, anyway. I half believed it a myth until…until I didn’t. Until Gray.
But it had been several weeks since I’d pushed Gray away. I felt every one of them every time I thought about her and the hole she’d left—that she’d torn—in the fabric of my space-time continuum. And I knew, that if I couldn’t have Gray, I wouldn’t have anyone. Not like that.
But I could love Karen and AJ in a different way. Karen and AJ needed me now. And I wanted to be part of a family. I’d be there for them. In every way. I’d stand in for Xander, the man who had sacrificed his life for me.
The solution, so ridiculously simple, filled me with a rush of relief and also joy. With Karen and AJ and the rest of her family, I wouldn’t be alone for the rest of my life.
“It just makes sense. We can take care of each other. I love AJ. You know I do,” I pressed after she put down her wine glass.
“Yes, I know that.” She glanced at me out of the corners of her eyes. “But if I ever get married again—and that’s a big if, because I really don’t think I will—but if I did, I’d want it to be a real marriage. Not something fake like this thing with you and Keely. Not something to look good from the outside. Not even just for security.” She took a deep breath and released it shakily. “I’ve already met and married the love of my life, and that’s probably never going to happen again.”
I reached for her hand. “It doesn’t have to happen again. I understand that. I love you, and I want to take care of you. And this wouldn’t be a fake marriage.”
She frowned at me. “And all the womanizing and running around you’ve been doing? The partying? That’s going to magically stop?”
I took a deep breath and leveled her with a serious gaze. “It already has. I haven’t been running around or partying for months. I—” I hadn’t had the need. The days had been filled with lots of hard work and Gray. And the nights…
I gulped and swallowed. It was best not to think about Gray at all. And especially not while discussing this with Karen.
Karen rubbed the center of her forehead and sighed. “I’ll admit it makes sense. It does, but…”
“It’s settling.”
She nodded. “Yes. It’s settling.”
I raised my eyebrows. “And why is that bad? We’d be comfortable. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers. I want to be there for your son. I love him.”
She froze, staring at me as if she needed time to process what I was saying. I reached out, removed her wine glass from her hand, and set it aside. Then I took the hand that had been holding it. “Let’s do it, Karen.”
She sighed and looked away, but her fingers tightened around mine. “There’s one major obstacle, even if I was conv
inced.”
I tilted my head, watching her closely. “What is that?”
She leveled her gaze on mine. “You’re going up again next month. And, naturally, you have to understand that I have an aversion to marrying someone in a dangerous profession. Even one I understand intimately.”
I nodded. “That flight is for Xander. I can’t change that. I promised him.”
She clenched her jaw and relaxed it. “You also promised him you’d be there for me and AJ.”
My insides sank. “Yes. I don’t know how to uphold both of those given your conditions. But I’d already decided that I want to move to a more administrative role after the test flight. I’ll still work at XPAC, but in a different capacity.”
“I get it.” She flicked a look at me. “But I still don’t agree. You take a lot on yourself.”
I shook my head. “No more than I should have from the very start. This is the least I can do for you, for AJ. And for myself.” I took a deep breath and let it go. “For Xander,” I added quietly.
Our eyes locked, and she nodded slowly. “It doesn’t have to be just about you taking care of us, you know.” She spoke softly. “I’d promise to take care of you, too.” She reached out and took my other hand in hers, closing her fingers tightly. Then, with a sigh, she leaned forward, touching her forehead to mine.
I pulled back to bring her in for a hug, kissing the top of her hair. Immediately I was reminded of how she didn’t smell like Gray. No strawberries. No freshness. No sunlight.
I also found myself listening for her heartbeat, realizing that I was trying to hear the ticking sound that Gray’s heart made. I wondered how long it would take for me to stop comparing every woman to Gray. Sooner would be better.
For a long time, we stood like that, with Karen cocooned in my arms. It wasn’t a choice of being with Gray or being with Karen. There was no choice that would allow me to be with Gray. Not without destroying her future and what she’d worked toward for so long.
No, this was a choice between being alone or doing what I should have been doing all along. It was long past time for me to man up.
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