This was me, manning up.
“It does make a lot of sense,” she finally said after a long period of silence. “I keep running through my head what Xander would say if he were here, and I can’t help but think that he’d be cheering for it. To know that his son wouldn’t have to grow up fatherless.”
No, he wouldn’t have to. Not like I’d had to.
She cleared her throat to speak again. “I propose that we go slow. Let’s keep things how they are for now and then after your flight, let’s go out on some dates and take it from there.”
I pressed my cheek to the top of her head. “I can give you that time. Just don’t forget. I will do whatever I can to take care of you both. You can depend on that.”
She let out a long sigh. “I know.” Then she laughed, a light, ironic chuckle. “So funny. When we got here, I was one hundred percent convinced you were in love with someone else. Now here we are.”
“Yeah,” I breathed. “Funny.” I squeezed my eyes shut tight and forced myself not to think about love. Or about missed opportunities. Or about Gray.
A little while later, Karen started yawning and decided to retire. I cleaned up the last of the straggling dishes and wiped down the counters in the kitchen.
Then I hit the wet bar in my sitting room, downed my triple-shot night cap, and went to my room.
I was all ready for bed and doing my normal psych routine before turning off the lights when my phone beeped. Grabbing it, I checked out the notifications screen.
Gray: Please, can we find some time to talk tomorrow?
I paused. If I opened up the app to respond, it would show that I’d seen and read the message. But if I put the phone down now, she’d assume I hadn’t seen it before going to bed.
I paused, remembering her pleas to me earlier in the afternoon, the true anguish in her face—more than I’d ever seen from her when I’d broken things off. I don’t want you to die.
I had two more days of work. I could avoid her easily enough. Then Tahoe this weekend, then time in Florida training at the launchpad and the capsule facility.
After setting the do not disturb feature on my phone, I put it face down on the nightstand and began my deep breathing and visualizations. Every time the image arose of those pleading eyes, that sweet, earnest face turned to mine, I pushed it out again just as fast.
The true irony was, once the lights were off, I pulled her pillow next to me, buried my face in it and slept for hours in the dark.
Chapter 13
Gray
I paced the floor of my front room for hours that night, unsure what to do. My mind had been a whirl since meeting with Ryan that afternoon. How much of a fool had I been to allow things to go so far and for the launch date to get so close? Had I really been oblivious to the question of Ryan’s suitability to fly again?
I knew about the PTSD. I knew better than anyone but him about the darkness trigger. I’d thought we could get past it. I’d thought it was a minor issue to work out.
I was an idiot and a really shitty psychologist.
It didn’t matter that he managed to represent himself to Marjorie as completely mentally healthy. I knew otherwise.
But I knew otherwise because I’d been sleeping with him for months. So was it ethical for me to act against him on behalf of the psychological team?
I was not his therapist. I’d been pondering these ethics issues and had taken to the internet and my various school textbooks in search of answers since the meeting that afternoon. I was also planning to seek some advice from my academic advisors.
But at that moment, I could hardly think straight. I had a headache, and my hair was sticking out in every which direction from running my fingers through it. Contemplating the possibilities made me ill.
That afternoon, I got a text from Karen in response to one I’d sent earlier asking how everything was going. Though I’d been vague, I was really fishing for info on how Ryan was doing.
Karen: We are doing great, thanks so much for asking! AJ is all settled in and we are fortunate to spend some of our fun time with Ty. I can’t get over how well he’s doing. Thanks for all the help you’ve given him. He’s like a changed man.
Like a changed man. Yeah. Except he wasn’t. He was just hiding things even better now than he had before.
After dinner, I picked up my phone to text him. Before I figure out what to say, however, my phone rang. Keely’s ID showed up front and center in my screen.
I hit the button to accept the call.
“Hello?” I answered, sinking down onto my couch.
“Gray? Hey there. Hope I’m not calling too late.” She sounded rushed and a little out of breath.
“It’s only eight. You’re fine. Are you okay?”
“I’m well, but I need to ask you a huge favor. And I hope you’ll say yes.”
Uh oh. “Is there a problem with one of your events?”
She heaved a long sigh on the other end. “Sharon’s deathly sick, and I need an assistant this weekend. Can you do it?”
“Oh, I’m sorry about Sharon. Is there anything I can do?”
“She’ll be okay, but she’s really contagious and I can’t be around her. Are you free this weekend?”
I nodded, though she couldn’t see me. “I can help you out in any way you need.”
“Good. Then I need you to fly to Tahoe with us on Friday.”
Us. Tahoe. I hesitated, wondering and yet also knowing who the us was in that sentence. I’d been vaguely aware that they would be doing an out of town event together this weekend.
Was there any way I could wiggle out of this? She seemed desperate. “What’s the event?”
“It’s a film festival and awards ceremony. There’s a cocktail party, optional movie screenings, and the main event is on Friday night. The place I got for us to stay in is gorgeous. This cozy little artist hideaway guesthouse. It’s on a cliff that overlooks the lake in among the trees. Super private. Jeremy Fisher owns it and lent it to me personally.”
I blinked. “Jeremy Fisher, the multi-academy award-winning movie director?”
She laughed. “Yep. Him. Cool, huh? Say you’ll come and help me out. You don’t even have to talk to you-know-who if you don’t want to. I’m still mad at him for being such a pig of a male.”
Clearing my throat, I said, “I’m a big girl. I don’t need to ignore him. I’ll come.”
We went over the details of where I had to be and when.
After I entered the event into my electronic calendar, I finally texted Ryan, my heart beating in my throat as I did it.
The truth was, we had an incomplete conversation to finish. And we had a little ground to cover before we were going to be forced to work together this weekend.
Please, can we find some time to talk tomorrow?
He never responded.
Not even the next day. And when I went looking for him, he was nowhere to be found.
Either he was studiously avoiding me, or it was a figment of my imagination. I couldn’t guess which.
Call me. I mean it. We need to talk. I keyed the message in and hit send the next day on my way to that coffee that Aaron had insisted on. He never went back on his promises, he assured me. And, according to him, he’d promised me coffee weeks before. He even drove all the way out to Seal Beach again just to buy me a cup of joe.
And also to listen to me talk for hours about the space program, past and present.
He was patient. I liked Aaron, and it was clear that he was interested in both me and learning more about space.
Under different circumstances, I might have considered dating him. Maybe in the future I would. As soon as the mere thought of dating someone else didn’t sting like a freshly opened wound submerged in salt water.
Regardless, on Friday, with my packed bag, I left work early and headed to the nearby Long Beach airport, where I met Ryan and Keely for the ninety-minute flight to Reno, Nevada. Keely must have informed Ryan that I was pinch-hitting for Kee
ly’s assistant because there was no visible sign of surprise on his handsome features.
As Keely and Ty were VIPs, we boarded in First Class after everyone else had been seated on the plane. The two of them sat beside each other in the first row, and I could see the others around us angling for a look or even a not-so clandestinely aimed photo.
In Reno, a car met us and drove the hour to Lake Tahoe and the beautiful retreat home that Keely had borrowed.
The mountain weather on the California side of the lake was fresh and gorgeous, a welcome change from the stifling heat this time of year in the LA basin. But since it was early August, the area teemed with vacationers.
As she pulled into the gated community, our driver flashed ID at the guard gate and then wound her way up a long drive barely wide enough to accommodate one lane each way. Since the plane ride, the three of us had been ensconced in our own little worlds, each hiding in either our phone or personal tablet—or in my case, an e-reader.
I couldn’t help darting looks at Ryan, who seemed completely immune to my presence. He’d managed to avoid even the slightest millisecond of mutual eye contact.
But I was not going to give up that easily. We had an entire weekend. There had to be a moment where I could catch him alone and continue our conversation about his suitability for the test flight. It turns out a Navy SEAL-turned-astronaut could be one of the slipperiest creatures on the planet. Who’d have thought it?
The little cabin we were to inhabit for the weekend was literally hanging off a cliff that set back a short distance from the shore of the lake. Above the door there was a sign that read Glass Lake Cottage.
Inside, the place was breathtaking. Small, cozy, but ultra-modern. All white and chrome and glass. There were three floors. The bottom held a hot tub and the gym. The middle level had one bedroom, a luxurious adjoining bathroom and laundry, and a cozy, light-filled study across the hall. The top floor was the open kitchen, living room and a dining room with floor-to-ceiling glass windows on three sides that looked out over the trees and the blue, blue lake.
I puzzled. “One bedroom? For the three of us?”
Keely frowned and shrugged, glancing from one of us to the other. “I accepted his favor sight unseen. He did say there was an extra bed around here somewhere, maybe a Murphy bed or a fold-out couch. Gray and I can share the king size bed in the bedroom.”
Ryan seemed to fight rolling his eyes. “I’ll take the floor if need be.”
After a quick look around, we noticed that the couch folded out into a bed for Ryan.
“But there’s only one bathroom,” I pointed out, knowing how long it took Keely for prep time.
Keely waved her hand. “Oh, all the events are at the big hotel down on the north shore. I’m going to go down there early and have the stylist do my hair and makeup. They have my wardrobe over there, too.”
“So we should meet you over there after we get ready?”
Keely gave another one of those mysterious smiles and said. “Mmm hmm.” Her eyes flicked to Ryan and then to me. “I’m heading over now. I’ll send the car back for you.”
In other circumstances, I might have been angry and given her the evil eye for her obvious manipulating. But without knowing it, Keely was giving me exactly what I wanted. Time alone to talk to Ryan.
I checked my watch. But not much time. We had an awards dinner to prepare for. I pulled out my phone and gave Keely the run down on the night’s schedule as she hurried out the door. She thanked me then gestured brusquely toward the house. “Make sure to use your time up here well, Gray.”
I narrowed my gaze at her. “Did you do this on purpose? Is Sharon really sick?”
Keely hesitated. “She’s sick, but I may have overexaggerated how much. Are you mad?”
I rubbed my forehead. “What are you doing?”
She shrugged. “I wanted you to come be with us. Come on, Gray. It’ll be fun.”
I shook my head at her. “If you wanted your date to be in a good mood, you shouldn’t have brought me up here.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t care what kind of mood he’s in as long as he manages to smile pretty for the cameras. These astronaut men and their emotional unavailability. It’s a good thing that fling with Kirill stayed that, just a fling.”
I nodded. I’d heard that they hadn’t seen each other in a while. That flame had, as she’d put it, “burned itself out, but damn what a nice fire it was!”
“Listen, Gray, I gotta go, but I just want to say one thing. Sharon gets on my case for all my interfering. I’ve tried to be better, but whenever I’ve talked to you or talked to him, I can tell you want to know all about the other one. You ask about him. He asks about you. I figured, why not just give you a little time to, you know, be in the same room?”
With a wink she sank into her seat at the back of the town car.
“But we see each other at work,” I said as she shut the door, gave me a sweet little shrug, and told the driver to pull away.
She had no way of knowing that I’d been texting him for two days with no answer. Now that he could no longer avoid me, we might as well clear the air, right?
When I got back into the house, the one bathroom was in use. Since Ryan’s carryon and garment bag were unzipped and lying on the bed, I assumed that he was getting ready.
Or he was avoiding me.
Or both.
For lack of anything else to do, I pulled my dress out of my case and hung it up, then pulled Ryan’s tux from the already-open garment bag and did the same.
My hands shook as I did it. He always looked so amazing in his tuxedo. I’d have to remind myself all night that I was mad at him. Maybe I’d just force myself to constantly avert my eyes.
We switched off using the bathroom and dressing in the bedroom and filed into the town car the minute we were both ready. In the back of the car together, I finally caught his eyes. Surprisingly he smiled and said, “You look nice tonight.”
I immediately frowned, confused both by the compliment and his actual attempt to acknowledge me. The plain, dark blue cocktail dress I wore was subdued in order to blend in with the dressy occasion. There would be no danger of me being mistaken for one of the participants.
But with makeup and a little fluff to my cute new haircut, I felt pretty. I raised a hand to my short hair, suddenly conscious of the style and of the fact that I’d gleefully chopped it all off because he’d once asked me never to cut it.
“Thank you,” I said quietly. “So do you, but you always look good in that.” I gestured to his tux.
He glanced down at his tie and flicked something off his lapel. Then he shifted, appearing awkward.
Another pause
I turned to him. “Are you ever going to talk to me? About the test flight?”
He stiffened and turned away, gazing out the window.
“Ryan,” I said.
“I spoke with Marjorie yesterday,” he said conversationally as if he hadn’t just randomly changed the subject out of the blue. “Had an hour-long meeting with her at my request. I also had a full physical. She says everything looks good for me to go up on the test flight.”
I blinked. “But—does she know—did you tell her about everything going on with you?”
He turned back to me with a gaze that looked like it could bore twin holes through my body in seconds flat. “What happens between a therapist and patient is confidential, right?”
My mouth dropped. “Yes, but confidentiality is usually for the therapist’s end—”
He leaned closer to me. I could smell him. His upper arm bumped my shoulder, and a shock zapped through me. Both his anger and his presence were overwhelming me.
“She gave me the okay to fly. That’s what matters,” he said with finality in his tone.
I shook my head, but our car turned into the driveway of the hotel before I could push the conversation further.
Once the awards event ended, and we had spent an acceptable amount of time at the
afterparty, we left. Keely yawned loudly. “I’m so beat. I hope I’m not getting Sharon’s bug.”
Instinctively both Ryan and I moved away from her on either side as we stood at the curb waiting for the car to pick us up.
“Good thing I didn’t have to kiss you tonight,” Ryan muttered. In spite of myself, I laughed.
But of course, on the drive back to the cottage things were awkward and tense. I still couldn’t get over Ryan’s earlier rudeness, and he, I presumed, was pissed at me for pushing the matter about the test flight.
Keely sat in the front seat, but sent pointed glances back at us quite often, her arms folded indignantly. “Aren’t you two going to talk to each other?”
I raised my eyebrows in surprise, then glanced over at Ryan who looked at me in the same moment. Our eyes met, and it almost felt like our gazes collided and then physically bounced off each other.
But to Keely’s great frustration, that wasn’t enough to break the ice.
The ice was pretty thick and cold between us, actually. And I wish I could have blamed that entirely on him. But I couldn’t.
We bunked down according to Keely’s plans, the two of us would take the lone bedroom. Ryan the fold out couch, with the requisite amount of grumbling on his part that went along with that.
However, when I woke in the morning, Keely was nowhere to be found. At least not in the bedroom, anyway. Glancing at the clock, I was shocked to see it was almost ten. I sat up and then forced my tired bones out of bed. I did not go to bed after midnight very often. Yeah, they didn’t call me party girl for nothing.
Actually, they didn’t call me party girl at all.
As I brushed my teeth, I thought it was weird that Keely had no toiletries in the bathroom. After a quick shower, I threw on my yoga pants and t-shirt and went up the stairs to find her.
The only thing I found on the top level was a snoozing Ryan.
Come to think of it, I didn’t see her luggage sitting around anywhere, either. How weird.
I jumped down the stairs again to see if I’d overlooked her suitcase in the bedroom. Nothing. And the closet was empty, except for my few things.
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