Shaking my head, I take a deep breath. “I haven’t searched all the rooms yet.”
“Come with me.” He turns and leads me into one of the smaller houses. He opens a door to a bedroom, and he’s met with giggles from some of my sisters. “Catherine,” he commands one of the younger girls.
“Yes, Elder Morris?” she eagerly responds.
“Get up. You’re sleeping with Lucille and Janet. Luna has your bed.”
“Can’t I just share with Luna?” she asks. More than just you and somebody else in the bed can get quite squashy.
“She can sleep with me,” I say looking at Catherine. I don’t want her to be moved just because of me.
“You have a bed to yourself. The others can share.”
Catherine stands, and with her long nightdress, she quickly shuffles toward the bed with Lucille and Janet.
The fact I have a bed to myself will make the other girls hate me more. Why do the Elders have to do this? “Have a good sleep, Luna,” Elder Morris says to me, before giving all my sisters a nod and backing out of the bedroom.
I’m met with glares. “Why are you so special?” Lucille asks. A chorus of agreement sounds behind her.
“It’s always Luna, Luna, Luna. We can’t talk to you, then we have to do everything you want us to. They even told us, tomorrow we’re to do all your chores. Like Lucille asked, why are you so special?” Catherine huffs as she collapses into bed, obviously irritated with me.
“I don’t know why the Elders are doing this.” Yes, I do. It’s to teach me a lesson. To make all my sisters hate me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I lay on the bed, and turn so my back is to them. I don’t want my sisters to see me crying.
“Go to sleep,” Momma Edith’s voice booms from the door.
Closing my eyes, I wish for it all to change. But I have a strong whirling feeling in my stomach that this is just the start of it.
Waking, I can feel the heat of the sun on my face. Opening my eyes, I look around the room and find it empty. The door is closed, but I can hear footsteps and hushed voices beyond the walls of the room.
I wished for this to be different, but as it’s turning out, it’s not. Catherine said they had to do my chores today, which is why I’m still in bed, alone. Everyone else would be awake, and preparing the meals. Serving the Elders. And doing what I would’ve been assigned.
My shoulders slump, and my stomach twists. I don’t want to leave the room, but I know I have to.
Slowly, I tiptoe across the floor, steadying my shaky breath. I open the door, and listen for the voices closest to me. I can hear Momma Edith and Elder Steven talking. They’re speaking in low voices. “The girl, what do you want me to do with her?” Momma Edith asks.
“Treat her like a princess.”
What’s a princess?
“What’s the fascination with her?” Momma Edith’s voice cracks, angrily. “It’s as if she’s something special.”
“Do not speak to me like I’m one of the girls,” Elder Steven says in a low voice. “I will remind you, under the conditions of our charter, I’m still an Elder, and you’re merely a girl.”
I can’t see what’s happening, but I’m picturing it in my mind. Elder Steven sounds angry, his low, tight voice sends shivers all the way through my body. It’s like the way he gets when he’s whipping me.
“I’m sorry, Steven,” Momma Edith murmurs. She called him “Steven,” not “Elder Steven.” Except for the other Elders, I’ve never heard anyone call an Elder by their names.
“She’s special. William says she’s like none he’s ever seen before.”
“She’s definitely not.”
“You’ve been here from the start, have you ever seen anyone with so much spirit?”
“Not as long as we’ve been here. She’s got more fight in her than any I’ve ever seen,” Momma Edith says.
“Which is why it’s important she doesn’t know. And we nurture her to stay here. If she gets out, she has the power to bring this all down. Everything that’s been created will be taken away.”
“We can’t have that happen.”
My ears are echoing with so many words, and my curiosity is in overdrive. I want to run out and ask them what they’re talking about. But I know, Elder Steven will whip me for listening.
Instead, I listen to more, but I hear another door open. If I’m caught, I’m going to be in so much trouble. Thinking as quickly as I can, I close the door to the room as quietly as I can, then open it loudly. Stepping out, I head in the direction of Momma Edith and Elder Steven. I jump back when I see them, and place my hand to my chest. “You scared me,” I say, trying to sound as normal as I can.
Momma Edith casts a wary gaze over me. Elder Steven smiles, and just then, Michael enters the room.
“Michael, what do you need?” Elder Steven asks.
“I’m hungry. Get me some food,” Michael says to Momma Edith.
“Yes, Michael,” she responds as she heads into the kitchen, Michael only a few steps behind her.
This leaves Elder Steven and me, alone in an awkward silence. He’s staring at me, and I’m looking everywhere but at him. I can feel his intense glare. His eyes bore onto me. It makes my stomach roil with uneasiness. He makes me feel so uncomfortable.
“You’ll be of age soon, Luna.”
Bile quickly rises. “I know,” I respond and try to keep the unease out of my voice.
“You’ll be getting married.”
Not if I can get out of here. “I know.” I force a false smile on my face, but still refuse to look at him.
“Do you know who you’ll be marrying?” The happiness in his voice means one thing, and one thing only. He’s also made it obvious he wants me. Him.
I lower my gaze to look at my feet, then shake my head. Dread fills me, because I already know what he’s going to say. “At this stage, it looks like it’ll be me.”
I’m not sure how to respond. Elder Steven has many wives, why would he want another? What am I supposed to say? Great? I can’t wait? They’d all be a lie.
“I’m looking forward to our wedding night.”
“Why?” I ask without thinking.
“Because I’ll get to break in what’s mine.”
Huh? I don’t understand the actual sentence. What do the words he just spoke, actually mean? Breaking is bad, isn’t it?
Things have settled. Abigail still hates me, and Momma Kim, Momma Edith, Sister Janice, and Sister Holly continue to tell me how Abigail’s being broken is my all fault.
The Elders are treating me the same. With extra attention.
Elder Steven is the worst. He’s demanded I be the one to clean the floors in his bathroom. When I do, he stands behind me, and moans whenever I need to go on my knees to scrub them.
He makes my stomach stir with an uneasiness. The hair on the back of my neck always stands and my skin prickles. I’m hyperaware whenever he’s near, and I always feel on edge with a hint of fear.
“Do you want to go?” Cain’s voice snaps me out of my thought process. I look over to him, and notice he’s indicating the wall with his head. I stop peeling the potatoes and smile.
“Go Luna,” Sister Julie commands.
I offer her a small smile, but I know she’s going to have to pick up the extra work of me leaving the potatoes behind. “I can stay.”
“Once you’ve been wed, you’ll have to learn how important it is to obey, not only your husband, but all the men.”
“Do they have to obey us?” I ask, and internally scold myself. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Sister Julie lets out a laugh, as does Cain. I stare at him, silencing him with a mere glance. “We don’t demand anything of the men. You know this. And, that question will earn you a whipping if you ask it again.”
I look to Cain, and see the worry in his eyes. I bite on my tongue, feeling the metallic taste of blood inside my mouth. I want to know why the men won’t obey us. I have so many questions, but obviously, I can’t ask them. Not witho
ut consequence.
“Luna, let’s go,” Cain calls impatiently. His voice prompts me to turn and leave Sister Julie. The men speak, we obey. How frustrating.
I watch as Cain walks ahead of me. He keeps turning to make sure I’m following. I smile at him, as he smiles at me. But it doesn’t take my mind off all the questions I have. Especially from the hole in the wall.
“Can we go this way?” I ask as I start moving in the direction of the hole.
“We can go anywhere you want,” he calls back to me.
Funny, I really can’t. Because I want to go beyond the wall, but I’m always told that’s not an option. We keep walking, and find the spot where the hole is… or was. I don’t know.
Cain falls to the ground. The sun shining down makes his honey-colored hair look longer than it actually is. “You need to ask Sister Lorraine to cut your hair,” I say as I closely inspect the wall.
“Ask? I’ll go tell her to do it.”
“Cain.” I turn to stare at him. “Don’t be like them. Be different.”
He looks at me, then down at the grass. Lifting his head, he watches me. “Sit.” He points to the ground beside him.
“I want to stand.” And look where the hole is. I take a few steps back, and turn to inspect the wall.
“What are you looking for?”
Bringing my hand up, I run it across the wall. It’s cool to touch, and bumpy, but I can’t feel any cracks where the wall can come down. Did I dream it all?
“Luna, what are you looking for?” Cain asks again, this time joining me on the search.
“I don’t want to tell you, because you’ll have to tell the Elders.”
“I won’t,” he quickly responds.
This is bigger than me wanting to know about what’s beyond the wall. This is something so much more. “I can’t,” I say. My voice comes out pained. I want to, but I also don’t want him to get in trouble.
“Luna, tell me,” he encourages. I’m so scared of what can happen if he tells anyone.
“I can’t,” I say again. Tears brim my eyes, and although I want to, I know I can’t. “Have you heard of a magazine?” I give him something.
“A what?”
“A magazine. Do you know what it is?” Cain shakes his head. “What about bourbon or M&M’s?”
Cain shakes his head again. His lips downturn, as his eyes widen. “What are they?” I shrug. “Where did you hear those words.”
I apparently didn’t think this through properly. What do I say? I don’t want to lie, but I obviously can’t tell him the truth. “I dreamt them,” I say, holding my breath for his reaction.
“You dreamt of words?”
“I dreamed of the Elders talking and they said those words. But, I didn’t know what they were, so I asked them, and they whipped me.” I’m so ashamed of myself. I really shouldn’t be saying these lies. It’s sinful. I can get whipped just because of the lies. But once the Elders hear them, they’ll know I was listening.
“I don’t know what they mean. Can’t help you, Luna.” I turn back, and keep looking for the crack in the wall. “But, I can help you find whatever it is you’re looking for.” He too closely inspects the wall, copying the way I’m looking for the crack. “What are we searching for?”
“It’s nothing,” I say again.
“Then why are we looking for nothing?”
I turn and lean my back against the wall, frustrated with myself. I know what I saw, but I have to find it. To prove it to myself, that I actually did see it. “Ugh,” I grumble and take a few deep breaths.
“If you tell me what we’re searching for, it’ll make it much easier to find.”
I can’t. I really want to, but I can’t. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” I turn and walk away, knowing if I keep looking Cain will continue to question what it is we’re looking for. I’ll have to come out here on my own. “I don’t want to get married, Cain,” I say trying to get him away from the wall.
“I know.” He too turns, and comes to sit opposite me on the grass. “But, you have to.” His features fall as he lowers his eyes. “I don’t want you to get married either. Not to any of the Elders, I wish you could marry me.”
My heart twists, and I’m faced with the reality of what’s going to happen to me. I’m going to get married, but I don’t want to. As much as I wish I could marry Cain instead of any of the Elders, I’m reconsidering that too. I’m not sure if that’s what I want. What I really want is to find a way out from behind this wall, and discover what it’s like outside.
“Luna?” Cain prompts me to answer him. “Don’t you want to marry me too?”
I know what I have to say, but I’m not sure I feel it in my heart. “Yes.” A severe ache stabs me in the chest. I lower my eyes, unable to look at Cain.
“Cain, you’re needed,” I hear Elder William calling.
Cain and I both stand, and look around us nervously. We weren’t touching, we weren’t doing anything wrong, so why we are both looking so worried I don’t know.
“On my way.” Cain turns and gives me a small smile as he walks away.
He’s far away from us, and Elder William stands staring at me. He hasn’t spoken, and I’m not brave enough to speak to him. “What are you doing out here, Luna?” Elder William asks.
“Cain and I were talking,” I respond immediately. Already my mind is trying to make up a lie in case he asks what we were talking about.
“What were you discussing?”
I swallow hard. “About how I’ll be married soon.”
“How do you feel about that?” he asks.
I wasn’t expecting to be asked something so personal. Girls are married when we reach the age. I don’t know if anyone’s ever been asked how they feel about it. I shrug, unwilling to tell him that I don’t want to marry Elder Steven, or anyone. Not yet. I don’t know what the future holds. “It’s what is expected,” I reply in a small voice.
I notice Elder William’s mouth twist in a smile. “But you don’t want to get married?” he asks almost as if he can see inside my head and knows how I’m feeling.
I shrug again. I don’t want to be whipped for my answer. “It’s what’s expected, Elder William. And if the Elders say it’s time to marry, then I trust in my Elders to look after me.” The words taste wrong. I don’t believe them, but I’m hoping Elder William does.
“Do you want to know what’s beyond the wall?”
I inhale sharply, excited. But I have to hide it. I know that my questions can earn me a whipping. “I’d like to know, but I also trust in my Elders.”
“Death is outside.” This is what we’re always told. Death, poverty, and disease. “Death, poverty, and disease. Beyond the walls, it’s dangerous. There are bad people out there, waiting to kill you. They will torture you. Tie you up, and beat you, then they’ll hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine. The people—I wouldn’t even call them people, they’re animals. They’re very dangerous. What we have here…” He waves his hand around, showing me my home, “… in God’s Haven, was made to keep you safe. You understand that, don’t you, Luna?” I nod my head. I do understand how this is to keep me safe, but, I still want to see it all for myself. “You don’t look too convinced.”
“I am. And I’m so grateful to be safe.” This is true. I am thankful I’m safe. But, how safe am I here? Always on the verge of a whipping for asking questions. Why can’t I see what’s happening beyond the wall? If it’s as terrible as the Elders keep telling us, why don’t they try and bring other people in here to save them too?
I have so many whys to ask. But I know I can’t. Not without punishment from the Elders.
“You still don’t look convinced.”
Oh no, can he really tell? “I am.” I smile. “So thankful I’m in here in Haven and not out there.” I point to beyond the wall and scrunch my nose when I do so.
Elder William smiles at me. Hopefully I’ve convinced him. “I think you have some chores to do. Come, I’ll
walk back with you.”
I want to stay here and keep searching the wall, but I’m forced to walk with Elder William. “I do have some chores.”
“Elder Steven has requested you in the dining room.”
Yuck. “Okay,” I answer with as much happiness as I can raise.
“Elder Steven is very keen on you.” I keep walking, turn, and smile as I move forward. Elder William walks slow, and I want to walk as fast as possible to get away from him. The fact he’s brought up Elder Steven makes my skin tighten with worry. “You know, Luna, there are a few of the Elders who want to take you as their bride.”
“Oh,” I reply and add a smile. It’s not a real smile, I just have to make sure none of my reactions can earn me a whipping.
“You’ve been our most popular girl yet.”
I don’t even know what that means. And I don’t want to know either. “Oh.”
“Elder Steven is looking forward to his wedding night. He won’t share you with any of us yet.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.” I know the Sisters have told me he’ll put his penis in my vagina, and I’ll have to do that with any of the Elders who want to put their penis inside me, but I’m not sure what Elder William means by sharing.
“When we get back, go to Momma Edith and ask her to explain your duties once you’re a bride. It’s a little bit different as to what it is before you’re married. Being married is a privilege. No other girl has had as much interest as you have.” I can tell by the way he’s speaking, I’m supposed to feel special. But I don’t want to feel special. I want them to not want me. “It’s a rite of passage for the girls. Do you know, some girls aren’t even wanted? The Elders are very selective as to who they take as their brides. Once they’ve picked, the bride is protected for eternity.”
Except for Theresa, I heard she wasn’t protected. She couldn’t bear children, so she was sent away. I want to be sent away too. “I know,” I say.
“And you, Luna, are so lucky.” He keeps telling me this, as if he’s trying to convince me. “So many of the Elders want you,” he repeats.
“Thank you. It’s an honor.” I offer him a smile, as genuine as I can. “I have chores, I should tend to them.”
Luna Caged: Behind the Wall Page 7