“It hurts me, because what if the Elders told you to whip me, would you do it?”
“But it wasn’t you, it was just Abigail.”
“Don’t say it’s ‘just’ Abigail. That makes her seem like she doesn’t bleed red. We all bleed the same color. Whether we’re a girl, a man or an Elder. We all bleed the same.”
“But I had to,” he tries to say again. Does he really believe what he’s saying?
“Cain, can you leave? I’m really upset, and I don’t want to be around you right now. Seeing as you’re so good at pretending, can you go back, and if any of the Elders ask, tell them you couldn’t find me. I’m going to sleep out here.”
“Luna, I can’t do that. I can’t not tell the truth.”
“But you already did. You pretended to spit on Abigail. That’s not telling the truth.” Cain grumbles and I turn away from him. “Please, Cain. Leave.”
I can hear the rustling of his pants as he stands. But I can sense he hasn’t left. I can also hear his breathing. “I’m sorry, Luna. I’ll try to be more like you.” And then he leaves.
I don’t want anyone to be more like me. I want everyone to be their own person. I want everyone to think for themselves, and realize spitting on, and not talking to people, isn’t right. It might be to them, but it isn’t to me.
I close my eyes, and try for sleep.
If everyone is told to ignore me and not talk to me, then it doesn’t really matter if I go back now, or when the sun rises. Hopefully, they won’t even notice.
It’s peaceful here, and before I even have a chance to turn on my back to stare at the sky, a deep sleep takes me to a world I can only dream about.
The ground beneath me rumbles and I startle awake.
Opening my eyes, I notice the moon and the stars are still in the sky. It’s darker, much darker now. Stretching, I jolt up with the ground still vibrating beneath me. Panic quickly rises as I have no idea what’s happening. The houses are far away, and if I run real fast I should be able to get there quickly.
But voices stop me from leaping to my feet and running toward the houses. The voices are deep, though hushed. My eyes take a few heartbeats to adjust to the dark, and I try to focus on where the voices are coming from.
Once I’m awake, I try to make myself small, so I can’t be seen or heard. Quietly, I crawl along the edge of the wall toward the husky, low voices. As I get closer, I instantly recognize them as Elder William, Elder Steven, and Elder Samuel.
“We need some medication. Make sure you get Tylenol,” Elder Steven says.
“And yeast for the bread. Edith also needs her magazines,” Elder William says, then chuckles. “God forbid I forget the fucking magazines.” All the Elders laugh together.
God? Fucking? Magazines? What are all these things they speak of?
“What are we going to do with the girl? She’s been holed up in the bathroom the entire day. We had our fun with her, but now, she’s used goods,” Elder Samuel says.
What does, ‘had our fun with her’ mean? I crawl closer, to try to see what they’re doing.
Elder William has something white in his mouth. He takes it between his fingers, and moves it from his mouth and lowers it, then brings it to his mouth again. Smoke escapes every time he repeats those motions.
“I don’t want her now,” Elder Steven laughs. “Lousy lay.”
“See if one of the others want her,” Elder William responds as he waves his hand dismissively.
“She’s going to be a problem,” Elder Samuel replies.
“Then get rid of her. Like the others.”
Get rid of her?
The others?
Who are they talking about?
“And Luna?” Elder Samuel asks.
“That little spitfire is all mine,” Elder Steven says. “She’s gonna be wild. Just like a bronco.” He starts making a thrusting movement with his hips. Elder Samuel and Elder William laugh.
“As long as we get our turn once you’re done with her.”
“I don’t know about that. I don’t think I’ll ever get my fill of her. That mouth… I can’t wait to use that mouth of hers. She’s going to look so good on her knees.” He rubs his hand over his crotch and I instantly feel like vomiting. But I keep it together and listen. I know I shouldn’t, but I have to.
“Keep it in your pants, Casanova,” Elder William teases Elder Steven, and the three laugh. “Back to business.”
“How long do you think you’ll be?” Elder Steven asks.
“I shouldn’t be longer than a few hours. I’ve got to get the medication, and Edith’s magazines, and Kim said to get her candy.”
“Pick me up some M&Ms,” Elder Steven says.
“Do you want anything?” Elder William turns and asks Elder Samuel.
“A five-foot hot Asian. And a bottle of bourbon.”
I have no idea what they’re asking for. And considering I’ve never heard them speak like this before, I can only assume, I’m not supposed to hear any of this. I’m keeping this to myself. I’m not even going to tell Cain.
“See you on the other side.” Elder William walks a few steps, and gets into something. It’s like a box. Actually, it looks like a smaller version of the bus I remember from the book Cain showed me when he tried to teach me how to read. That bus was big and yellow, but this is small and black.
The small black thing isn’t very loud, but as it moves, it shakes the ground. Not a lot, but enough for me to fall to the grass, and try to hold on. But my curiosity wants to see where it goes. And how it gets beyond the wall.
The black thing goes through a hole in the wall, then the hole is filled by the wall again. I’ve walked this wall ever since I was able to, and have never seen any way out. Is there really a door in the wall? A way to leave?
Is it really that easy?
I wait until Elder Steven and Elder Samuel are far enough away, before I begin to crawl even further from them. I’m so curious. I want to know more. But I know if they catch me out here, I’m going to be in a lot of trouble. I might be whipped so badly I wouldn’t be able to sleep on my back again.
Although my mind is buzzing, I need to get back to the house, and hopefully, not get caught coming in after dark.
“You’re on dining duty,” I hear Momma Edith’s voice say.
I open my eyes and look around. Waking in bed, I’m instantly taken back to the previous evening, when I lay in the grass beside the wall and overheard a conversation I’m not entirely sure actually happened.
“Yes, Momma,” I say, jumping out of bed, and going about my morning routine.
I’m itching to get to the wall to see if there’s any sign that what I think happened, did happen. I know I have to wait until my morning duties are over, but so many questions are swirling around in my head.
“You’d best hurry,” Momma Edith says with a tight smile and suspicious eyes.
“I will.” I swiftly get ready to serve the Elders. I rush into the dining room, and find Abigail already standing at attention. “Abigail,” I say, surprised by her presence. My gaze automatically drifts down to her lower half. I’m not sure what to expect. I saw her blood-soaked dress is now clean, and free of any blood stains. “Are you okay?” I wait for her to answer, but she stares past me, completely ignoring me.
Oh, that’s right. The Elders gave instructions to ignore me. And she’s following their directions. I should be like her, follow the rules, do what they say. I should at least try. But, my brain doesn’t seem to work like that. The more they say I can’t, the more I want to try. The more they say girls are dumb, the more I want to know so I won’t be stupid. The more they say, the more I want to defy. Not because I’m bad, but because my head wants to know why.
“I hope you’re okay,” I whisper as I stand beside her.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice how her hard exterior softens. Only a touch. Her lips that were pursed into a tight, thin line, relax. And I see her eyes drop to the floor. But that only l
asts until the Elders begin to arrive. They each enter the dining room, and completely disregard Abigail.
Elder Steven speaks first, “Luna, don’t you look refreshed and radiant.”
“She certainly does. Did you sleep well?” Elder Morris asks.
I can’t believe the Elders. They would’ve been told about Abigail’s breaking, and the blood that covered her dress, and they’re talking to me instead of her? Especially when they told everyone else not to talk to me?
I can’t help myself. I sneak a look sideways to Abigail. Her eyes are red, and a few tears have escaped. My heart saddens to see how they’re ignoring her and how hurt she is by it.
I shake my head, genuinely upset by the way the Elders are treating me and Abigail.
“Elder Morris asked you a question,” Elder William bellows in his big, angry voice.
Ordinarily, I’d shake with fear, but all I’m feeling right now, is pity for Abigail, and disgust with the way the Elders are treating us so completely opposite.
“Fine,” I reply with a short, clipped tone.
“My spitfire is back,” Elder Steven says while rubbing his hands together.
I close my eyes, just to regroup, then open them and turn to look at Abigail.
Although she’s crying, she’s hardened her features, and lifted her shoulders. She’s not happy with me for speaking the way I am. I pull myself back from what I want to say. I want to scream at them, and tell them they’re being mean to Abigail, but images of her blood-drenched clothes flash before me. She said the blood was because of me. I can’t do that to her again.
“I slept well, thank you,” I say as I square my shoulders, pick up the jug and fill the Elders’ cups with liquid.
“You’re looking particularly beautiful,” Elder Steven says again.
His voice makes the hair on my arms stand. He makes me cringe. But I have to push on, for Abigail. “Thank you.” The words sting as they leave my mouth. The false smile I’ve plastered on my face, feels even worse.
“You, get us bread,” Elder Steven addresses Abigail. Tears still cling to her cheeks. This saddens me even more.
Abigail moves forward, and I notice how she’s walking. Slow. Is she still broken? I can’t imagine she’s healed, not after all the blood I saw. I want to go to her, take the bread basket out of her hands and serve the Elders myself. Not to get her in trouble, but to give her a chance to heal properly. I debate with myself, should I, or shouldn’t I? Would she be punished if I do? Probably. I can’t do that to her. It’s not right.
Although my heart is hurting for Abigail, I stand in my spot and watch her.
“Get me a drink,” Elder Samuel commands. He doesn’t direct it to either of us, so I grab the pitcher and begin to walk over to him. “Not you, Luna.” He smiles at me, showing me too many teeth. “Her.” He points to Abigail.
Abigail is placing bread on everyone’s plate, and she still has more to go.
“I can do it,” I say, and immediately regret speaking.
Abigail gasps, and pauses. My head is telling me to pour the water, my heart is saying, ‘Abigail was broken because of you.’
The blood. All the blood.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, go and place the pitcher back where I found it, and stand in the same spot I was before I moved.
Abigail is still staring at me.
Something passes between us. I want to hug her and tell her I’m sorry. The worried look on her face screams at me; I can’t go through that again. I can see the worry, and the fear. I don’t even know what happened to her, all I know is the hate in her voice when she yelled at me, and the blood.
Abigail bites on her bottom lip, worrying it between her teeth. She turns away from me, continues placing the bread on the plates. She slowly makes her way over to the pitcher, picks it up, and pours the water into the cups.
The Elders are laughing at something. I have no idea what. I’ve turned off listening to them. My heart is hurting too much to care what they have to say or what they’re laughing at.
“Get me another plate,” Elder Tom demands. The tone in his voice tells me, the request isn’t for me. His voice is harsh. Like a hot knife slashing through freshly churned butter.
A tear falls from my eye. I quickly wipe it away. Rocks fill my stomach with dread. I hate this. Knowing if I help, Abigail will get in trouble. If I don’t help, Abigail will be treated like she’s nothing more than the mud on the Elders’ shoes they scrape on rocks before entering their homes. Either way, Abigail will be punished.
“Luna, come here.” Elder Steven gestures with his finger.
I swallow the lump in my throat, and walk toward him. “Yes, Elder Steven,” my voice cracks.
“Are you okay, my sweet girl? You look so sad. Do you need anything?”
I can’t believe him. He’s horrible. No matter how I respond, it’ll make Abigail feel worse. If I say yes, then Abigail will be broken again. If I say no, Abigail’s heart will shatter because they’re paying attention to me, and not her.
I lower my eyes, and shake my head. Choosing to not say a word.
“She’s my sweet girl,” Elder Steven says.
A shudder rips through me the moment he calls me his ‘sweet girl.’ I want to react, but I hold back on everything I want to say.
The breakfast service passes, and the Elders all shuffle out of the room, leaving Abigail and me to clean and set up for the next service.
The room is filled with a chill, not because it’s cool, but because Abigail has ice in her heart. I would too. “I’m sorry,” I whisper to Abigail as I try my hardest to do more work than her.
“Don’t talk to me,” she says in a slow voice through clenched teeth.
“Please,” I beg.
“You’re dead to me.” She drops the plates on the floor. They smash into so many pieces. I rush over to her, drop to my knees and begin to clean them up. “It should’ve been you they did that to, not me.”
My head jolts up, and I stare at her retreating back. “Who did what?” I call. She turns and glares at me over her shoulder. The look in her eyes is deadly, like she wants to hurt me. But she doesn’t answer. She shakes her head, and looks forward as I’m left in the Elders’ dining room to clean.
Dropping my head into my hands, I cry.
It feels like the sun is moving, and most the day has drifted by, but I push myself up off the floor and continue cleaning. The broken plates take me the longest, and I’m careful not to cut myself as I pick up all the shattered pieces. With tears still clinging to my cheeks, and my heart broken, I finish setting the dining room, ready for the next service of the Elders.
“Luna, have you eaten?” Momma Kim asks.
“No, Momma,” I answer. I’m not sure my stomach can handle any food.
“Feed the young, then if there’s anything left, you can sit and eat. You’re on dining room for lunch.”
“But I just came from there,” I say and instantly regret the words.
Momma Kim isn’t as mean as Momma Edith, but she’s close to it. She stands in front of me, folds her arms in front of her chest, and tightens her jaw. “Excuse me?” she asks. But I know it’s a question I shouldn’t answer. Dropping my tear-filled eyes to the ground, I shake my head. I’m not speaking. It’s safer to say nothing, and do as they instruct. Safer for everyone around me. “Feed the young.” This time, her voice is hard.
“Yes, Momma.” I turn to leave to round up the young.
The sun falls, and the moon rises. And finally, I’m left to myself. The entire day has been the same. I’ve been on dining duty with Abigail, and the Elders have been horrible to her. Nasty and mean.
I’ve wanted to say something all day. Whenever my voice wanted to be loud, and to tell them to stop, I’d bite on the tip of my tongue or the inside of my cheek. But all I’ve done is cry.
Abigail has been a mess. And no wonder. I would be too.
No one has spoken to me, with the exception of the Elders and Momma Edith
and Momma Kim. Even Cain walked past me, looked at me, lowered his head and kept going.
I don’t blame him. I don’t want him to be whipped, or broken because of something I did. But it made me feel terrible.
I’m out near the wall, lying on the ground, looking up at the moonless, starless night. More tears fall. But the rumble in my tummy and the hurt in my heart ease the tears. I haven’t eaten since sunrise, and my tummy really hurts. Momma Edith had me cleaning the bathrooms in Elder Steven’s house. He stood at the door, watching me, and making groaning sounds when I moved forward to get into the hard-to-reach spots. I really don’t like him. There’s a door in Elder Steven’s house that’s always locked, and we can’t get in to clean. I tried to go in, and he told me, ‘That’s a room you’ll discover once you’re my bride.’ Just the sound of his voice makes my stomach churn, but when he adds a smirk and his eyes travel the length of my body, it makes me feel really sick.
The deep sound of the bell is heard, even as far as out here. It tells us all, it’s time to get inside and we’re not allowed out. Sometimes they call curfew, and that curfew is at sundown, way before the bell is rung.
But I don’t want to go inside, even though I know they’ll be looking for me. I have to, I suppose.
Standing, I smooth my dress down, making sure there’s no evidence of the dirt or grass from where I’ve been lying. I walk, as slowly as I can toward the houses. I wonder where I’ll sleep tonight. Will it be with my sisters, or will I be forced to sleep outside under the darkness of the night?
Honestly, I hope it’s outside. At least there, it’ll be quiet and I won’t have the stares of eyes looking at me and not saying anything.
As I come inside the house, I walk from bedroom to bedroom trying to find a bed where I can lay my head.
“Luna,” Elder Morris says, seeing me from the main house.
Everything inside tightens with anticipation. “Yes, Elder Morris?” I reply and walk toward him.
“What are you doing out so late?”
“I’m trying to find a bed.”
“Any success?”
Luna Caged: Behind the Wall Page 6