by Jen Silver
She did give up because of me. I “died” and Jay raised our child without me. What right do I have to judge how she did it?
I remember the letter I wrote to her that I didn’t send. It comes back to me almost word for word, a testament to my immaturity. I started writing one evening, after emptying most of a bottle of wine. No excuse, I know. I wanted to explain why I wouldn’t be able to see her play in her next tournament, an important one for her, the French Open. Not so far to travel. But I was preparing for a two-week expedition at sea, taking deep-water samples, followed by the task of examining them. I told Jay I loved her, that I didn’t want to lose her, but I felt our lifestyles were driving us further apart. I even laid the blame on my Celtic heritage, a tendency to accept the dark side, to recognise that my fate was to be unhappy. My bid for happiness was headed for disaster as inevitably as the deadly virus affecting the doomed seals.
Konrad comes up behind me and then pushes past. “Hi, Jay. Ritchie.”
The dog hears his voice and runs to greet him. He had told me about the dog and how much he loved playing with him at Jay’s house in London. Something else he now wants, along with a tattoo.
Jay’s eyes meet mine as she lets go of Josh. I’ve seen that look before. Sad but determined. Seated next to the umpire’s chair, wiping away the sweat from her face, knowing she needed to win the next game to stay in the match. I remember watching her play one particularly hard-won game, when the final set point was decided after a gruelling back-and-forth with her opponent. Each would gain the “advantage” point, only to lose it again, going back to “deuce”. After that, whenever we argued, she would call out, “Deuce,” to indicate we were level. No advantage gained either way. We could take a breather and start again.
“You’ve had a long drive,” I say, stating the obvious. “I’ll put the coffee on.”
“I wouldn’t mind some breakfast. I’ve brought more supplies, knowing how much these two can put away.” Jay looks at Josh. “There’s a bag in the Landie.”
He nods and walks around to the drive without acknowledging my presence.
†
Amanda lay in Lynne’s arms, contentment spreading through her body. She wondered why it felt so different to being with Jay. Apart from the fact they had never spent a Sunday morning in bed together. When had Jay ever stayed longer than she needed to? Always rushing off somewhere, always making excuses for why she couldn’t stay. The real question was why Amanda thought this would change once they were married.
Lynne made her feel wanted, loved, cherished. After only one night. Lynne’s passion had been a surprise, a complete change from her calm-professor persona. An unfamiliar feeling of tenderness washed over her as she looked at her new lover’s face, softened by sleep and the early morning light.
A plaintive meow from the other side of the bedroom door brought a groan from Lynne. Her eyes flickered open.
“They want feeding.”
“Mm. So do I.” Amanda placed a hand on Lynne’s belly.
“We won’t get any peace until they’re fed. I won’t be long.”
Amanda enjoyed the view as Lynne rose from the bed and snagged her dressing gown from the back of the door. Her body glowed, and Amanda sighed when the flimsy garment covered it up.
She was dozing and looked up, sleepy-eyed, when Lynne returned bearing a tray. The enticing smells of coffee and toast roused her to struggle to a sitting position.
“I would ask you to marry me if you hadn’t already popped the question.”
“I can’t guarantee breakfast in bed every day.”
“April or May?” Amanda smiled at Lynne, wondering if she would remember the conversation they’d had in the middle of the night between bouts of exploring each other’s bodies. Lynne’s prompt answer didn’t disappoint.
“April, I think. I can manage two weeks away during the Easter break.”
“And you really do want to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon?”
“Absolutely.” Lynne settled back into the bed and handed over a mug of coffee.
Prepared exactly to her tastes. Something else Jay had never mastered. Amanda didn’t even mind when the two cats joined them, insinuating themselves between the two women. Slinky sniffed her toast before shuffling into a comfortable position by her side.
Lynne’s eyes met hers, radiating the same level of happiness Amanda was certain showed on her own face.
Amanda raised her mug. “To us.”
Lynne’s smile widened as they clinked their mugs together. “I put a bottle of champagne in the fridge. I thought we could toast our engagement properly later.”
Later sounded good to Amanda. Invigorated by the coffee, she was looking forward to a few more hours of discovering how much pleasure they could give each other.
Chapter Sixteen
Jay let Josh take over the cooking. Although Konrad had already eaten, he was happy to consume two sausages and three rashers of bacon. Charley had accepted another cup of coffee and taken it to the conservatory.
Once they had eaten and cleared up, Josh said he and Konrad were going to visit the seal sanctuary. Jay was happy with this plan, which cleared the way for her to talk to Charley on her own.
Charley agreed to a walk down to the beach, and Ritchie showed his delight by running ahead of them on the path.
“So you still haven’t talked to Josh.” There was no point dodging the issue. Jay wasn’t sure why it was an issue for Charley, though. The Faroe Islands weren’t cut off from the rest of the world. They had Internet access, satellite television, movies. Maybe the people in the small fishing village she’d lived in were on the far-right spectrum of conservatism. But Charley was a scientist, a biologist. Her specialist subject was marine mammals, but she should be able to apply a scientist’s logic to aspects of the human condition.
“No, I haven’t.”
They’d reached the end of the path and walked side by side through the sand dunes to the open expanse of beach. The tide was out, leaving the gleaming strand stretching out to meet the waves in the distance.
“I’ve seen the photos, though. Of her growing up.” Charley turned to face Jay. “She was a beautiful girl. I just don’t understand why she wanted to change.”
“It’s hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it first-hand. I know that. And it took me a while to accept that although I was losing a daughter, I was gaining a son. Josh went through a phase of cutting himself. At first, when I saw the cuts, I just thought he was accident-prone. Then I found the razors in his room. He was only ten.” Jay took a deep breath of the sea air. It always had a calming effect.
“When I finally confronted him about it, he broke down. Told me he hated his body. He wanted to be a boy. He didn’t believe in God because his nightly prayers hadn’t been answered. I was at a loss on how to help. But help did arrive from an unexpected source. A new client at the clinic, a trans woman. After her second treatment, I broached the subject with her. She was able to put me on to a psychologist who specialised in what they called gender dysphoria in those days.”
Charley had stopped walking, and Jay stood next to her, watching Ritchie running across the wet stretch of sand to bark at the incoming waves.
“The psychologist talked to Josh, and after a few sessions told me that this was a real problem which could only be solved by gender reassignment. Obviously I had my doubts. I needed some sessions myself to be clear on what was involved. Yes, it was distressing. I can’t deny that. But at the same time, I couldn’t let it go and watch Josh destroy himself. If you could have seen the change in him after being allowed to enrol at school as a boy…it was worth it. I couldn’t deny him the chance for a happier life. If this is what it took, then I was willing to go with it.”
“Is he happy now?”
“Yes. Each change in his body has delighted him. He was an A-star student at school, went on to study architecture at university, and now has a good job. I’m very proud of him.”
Charley t
urned to face her, and Jay was shocked to see the tears falling rapidly. Jay wanted to pull her into a comforting hug, but she didn’t know if Charley would welcome her touch. The yawning chasm of twenty-three lost years seemed like an unbridgeable gap.
Jay gestured at the distant waves. “I told Josh stories of the selkie when he was young. We would walk along here in the hopes of finding a discarded sealskin. Searching for any sign that our seal woman would return to us. How strange to think you were on one of the Faroe Islands all that time. Even though the ending of their seal-woman story is grimmer than any Grimm’s fairy tale, he would often ask me to tell it again.”
“Hardly a fitting bedtime story for a child.” Charley had sniffed back her tears and was staring out across the sand as well.
“You’ve seen his bedroom. He was fascinated by anything to do with ships. Yet he never showed any interest in actually getting into a boat. Not surprising, I guess, as he knew from an early age that his mother perished at sea.”
Charley turned to face her. “You kept me alive in your memories. I didn’t expect that. Thank you.”
Jay swallowed back the desire to hug her once more. She just smiled and suggested they make their way back to the cottage.
†
Being in her old bedroom was no comfort. Tess wanted to talk to Alice. She knew that Cheryl was right, though, and she would have to be patient. Alice wasn’t the only one she needed to talk to. Donna and Cheryl were waiting for her to tell them what happened. They could probably guess from the fact the car was on the M11 heading away from London. She was going to have to own up to the consequences of her actions, her obsession. As the nurse at the hospital had said, “It could have been worse.”
It could have been so much worse. One or both of them could be dead. And Alice had been right to try to stop her from reaching the Norfolk coast. What had she hoped to achieve?
“Dinner’s ready, Tess.” Donna’s voice reached her from the bottom of the stairs.
“Okay.” Tess glanced around the room again. If she was staying for longer than two nights, the Beyoncé and Spice Girls posters would have to go. She took a deep breath and walked downstairs. With any luck, her parents would wait until after they’d eaten to start the interrogation.
Guilt kicked in big time when she sat at the table and saw that Donna had prepared her favourite meal. Vegetable lasagna with a caesar salad. Her mouth watered at the aroma from the garlic bread as Cheryl brought it into the dining room.
Conversation was stilted while they ate, none of them wanting to spoil the taste of the food. The weather was a safe topic, rain and strong winds predicted for the week ahead, which would play havoc with the state of the golf course. If they weren’t playing though, they would be able to watch the Tottenham versus Manchester City game on TV. Not that they supported either football team, but would like the London one to win.
After she helped Cheryl wash up, they joined Donna in the living room with refilled glasses of red wine. Tess sat in the armchair while her parents sat side by side on the sofa facing her. They were sitting close together, and Cheryl took Donna’s hand before starting to speak.
“We understand your desire to meet your birth mother. We really do. But it’s hard for us not to feel rejected in some way. Like we’ve done something wrong.”
Tess squirmed in her seat. “That’s not…you haven’t….”
“We’ve always thought of you as our own. You were only three days old when we brought you home. Although neither of us actually gave birth, you were our baby. Very much wanted and loved.”
“I know. I….”
“Char…Charlotte was very focused on her work. She was intent on pursuing her academic career. The few times she came to see us when you were young were mainly to talk to me about something new she’d discovered.”
“It’s true.” Donna took over. “She didn’t come round to see you. That may sound unreal. If you were in the room with us, not in bed, she would spend a few minutes speaking to you, and she did always bring a present. But then she would start talking to Cheryl about some aspect of her research which was my cue to take you away.”
Tess felt tears building.
“We’re not saying this to upset you, darling. It’s just that we don’t want you to have a false expectation of how this resurrected Charlotte might react to meeting you.” Cheryl took a sip of her wine.
“But she must have wanted children. She had another child, Josh. I’ve met him.”
“That would have been years later. She had finished her PhD thesis and was probably planning to settle down with Jay Reid with her academic future assured.”
Cheryl moved over and perched on the arm of the chair, placing an arm around Tess’s shoulders. Tess couldn’t stop the tears now falling freely.
“We’re here for you, sweetie. And we always will be.”
If anything, those words only made her feel worse.
†
I know this music. I remember the names of the albums I played over and over, Watermark and Shepherd Moons.
“I didn’t think you liked Enya.”
Jay is stoking up the fire. I am chilled after the walk on the beach and will appreciate the warmth. The dog has already settled in his basket near the hearth.
“It’s mood music and I want you to be relaxed,” she says.
“Why?”
“You look like you’re in pain.”
“Just a few aches, mainly my shoulders. It comes and goes. A legacy, I guess, of the storm that sank the Caspian.”
“Perhaps I can help with some massage.”
“I don’t know.”
Jay moves quickly, placing the sofa cushions in a line on the floor in front of the fireplace.
“Lie down on these, on your back.”
“Do I need to take my clothes off?”
“No.”
I hesitate, then lower myself onto the cushions. Jay kneels behind me.
“Shouldn’t I lie on my front?”
“Maybe later. I just need to get a sense of what’s happening first.”
“Do I close my eyes?”
“It’s up to you. Whatever helps you feel relaxed. Eyes closed or open. Talking or not talking.”
Her fingertips gently touch the back of my head. This is the first physical contact with Jay since I came back. Am I ready for this? I’m not sure, but she hasn’t asked me to undress. I’m sure a shoulder massage would involve lying face down with nothing on my torso, pressure applied while rubbing in aromatic oils. Jay isn’t applying any pressure at all.
A song I know well starts playing, “Orinoco Flow”. I hum along, then stop.
“It’s okay. Hum or sing.”
“Is this what you do at the clinic?”
“Sometimes. Depends on the client’s needs.”
“What are you actually doing? I can’t feel anything.”
“That’s okay. I’m just checking the levels of tissue resistance in your body. If I use too much pressure, as with a traditional massage, then I won’t be able to achieve the necessary visceral response.”
“And in layman’s terms?”
“Just lie back and go with the flow.”
The sensation of warmth coming through her touch isn’t unpleasant, and I drift off. When I open my eyes again, Jay is no longer behind me. She is holding my ankles. I can’t believe I lost consciousness to the extent that I didn’t know she’d moved.
Jay lets go of my feet and stands. I see she hasn’t lost the ability to do so without using her hands. Something I haven’t been able to do for a long time.
“Don’t get up right away. Give it a few minutes. I’ll make some tea.”
The dog sniffs me before trotting out of the room after her. She’s left the door open and when I hear the kettle come to a boil I roll off the cushions. I crawl over to the nearest chair and haul myself up to sit down. I move my shoulders experimentally. They feel fine without the creaking of joints that I’m used to. Could be something to this
weird massage technique. I can’t think how this healing skill has transferred from smashing a ball at high speed across a tennis court.
Jay comes in with two mugs of tea and hands me one.
“How do you feel?”
“Fine. Good, actually.”
She puts her mug on the table and replaces the cushions on the sofa before sitting on it.
“When do you think Konnie and Josh will be back?” I don’t stumble over the name now.
“Mid-afternoon, probably. I’m sure they’ll take in a pub lunch after the sanctuary visit.”
The mention of the sanctuary reminds me of the breakfast conversation with Konrad. “I hear you have some tattoos? Can I see them?”
Jay grins and raises her eyebrows. This look was usually the precursor to moving into the bedroom. I find I’m not unaffected now.
She removes her sweater and starts to slowly unbutton her shirt, all the time maintaining eye contact. My body is responding in a way it hasn’t done for years. I lick my lips and know that she knows the effect she’s having. Strange that I didn’t react this way during the so-called massage session.
When she shrugs off her shirt, I’m not surprised to see that her torso is mainly covered with a sleeveless tee. She never did have any use for a bra. I raise my eyes from the erect nipples stretching the material across her chest.
Jay turns to the side, giving me an unrestricted view of the image on her left bicep, just below her shoulder. It’s the face of a seal.
†
Jay watched for Charley’s reaction as she took off her shirt. She hoped she hadn’t imagined the flicker of desire as she undid the buttons.
“A seal. You and Josh both have these? Why?”
“We didn’t want to forget you.”
“But Josh never really knew me. She…he was only a baby.”
“He was, is, part of you. I needed to keep your memory alive. He calls me Mum, but I wanted him to know where he came from.” Jay pulled her shirt back on and buttoned it up to keep out the chill of the room. The fire was only a smouldering pile of ash.