by Jen Silver
It takes me a moment to process the fact my son is speaking to me in English.
“Josh” is looking decidedly nervous. I wonder if Jay has mentioned how I reacted to the news of my baby girl’s change. At first glance, there’s no femininity on display. A closer look, even with the suggestion of a beard, gives her away. But then, I’m looking for it. I suppose she passes well enough to people who don’t know her past. Prepared as I am by seeing the progressive stages of her development in the photo album, it is still a shock to see the real-life version.
We stare at each other until Konrad breaks the silence. He asks me what is wrong in his native tongue, Faroese. Nothing, I tell him, also in the language of the islands.
“Does Jay know you’re here?”
This daughter, not my daughter, shakes her head.
“Well, I suggest you call her. I need to speak with Konrad. We’ll go into the living room.” I tell my son to follow me.
†
Jay swirled the wine around in her glass before taking a sip. She wasn’t a connoisseur by any means, but it was the expected procedure in this restaurant. Taking a moment to savour the taste, she swallowed and nodded to the waiter to pour. Mo took a sip from her own glass after the waiter had finished his task, leaving the bottle and the cork on the table.
“Not bad. For a moment there I thought you were going to spit it out.”
“No point in wasting it, even if I didn’t like it.” Jay looked across the table at her. “So, what did you two talk about on the way there?”
“She didn’t say much. Spent most of the time looking out the window.”
“I suppose it would bring back more memories.”
“When we spoke this morning, she did ask about Dougie. Whether he knew. I told her he did but wouldn’t be back in the country for a while.” Mo unfolded her napkin and put it on her lap. “I gathered she’s not finding it easy to think of Josh as male.”
“Obviously I’m to blame for letting him transition. As if it was my decision to make.”
“I’m sure she’ll work it out once she meets him. I think your more immediate problem is Konrad.”
“Josh will take care of him.”
“For today, yes. But you really should take him to the embassy. You’ve got an in there, haven’t you, with this Hilde?”
“It’s complicated, though. I mean, what’s his status? Does he automatically qualify for British nationality?”
“I don’t know. You will have to let the authorities sort that out.”
The waiter stopped by their table to ask if they were ready to order. Without consulting the menu, Mo rattled off the names of four dishes.
Jay sat back in her chair and drank some more wine. She hoped to be able to enjoy the food without thinking about all the complications surrounding Charley’s re-entry into their lives. Her phone rang. Mo shot her a disapproving look as she took it out of her pocket.
“It’s Josh. I better answer.” Taking a quick look around to check that no one was seated nearby, she accepted the call.
“She hates me.” Josh’s voice was full of anguish.
Jay didn’t think he was dating anyone. If he was having girlfriend trouble it wasn’t something she was going to discuss with him in the restaurant. “Who does?”
“Charley. She could hardly bear to look at me.”
A chill ran down Jay’s spine. “Where are you?”
“At the cottage.”
“You went there? After what we talked about this morning?”
“I know. But Konrad was desperate to see his mum. I thought it was a good idea.”
And you knew if you asked me first I would have said no. Jay didn’t need to voice the thought. Her silence would radiate her disapproval clearly enough.
“I don’t want you driving back tonight, Josh.” Jay sighed. “Maybe she’ll talk to you when she’s had time to calm down. Just Konrad turning up would have been a shock for her.”
“But…I don’t understand…the way she looked at me….”
“She remembers you as a baby girl.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll come up tomorrow.” Jay put her phone down and answered Mo’s enquiring look. “Josh took Konrad to the cottage. And he’s upset because Charley isn’t ready to accept him. It’s my fault. I should have told him how she’d reacted when I gave her the news about his transition. I thought she would have more time to think about it while at the cottage on her own. But she’s not on her own now. Shit, what a mess.”
The waiter brought a basket of bread and two of the dishes Mo had ordered.
“I don’t think I can eat anything.” Jay pushed back her chair.
“Stay.” Mo poked the basket across the table towards her. “There’s nothing you can do about it today. And don’t even think of setting off now.”
“I haven’t drunk much.”
“No, but there’s no point arriving late at night. By the time you get back to your place, just getting out of London will take forever. I’m sure Josh can cope.”
Jay picked up a breadstick and broke off the end. “I suppose you’re right.”
“I know I am. Now, are you going to help me eat some of this delicious-looking food? You need to eat something to soak up the wine. Otherwise, you’ll still be over the limit for driving in the morning.”
“Okay, okay, you win.” Jay moved her chair back to close the gap and speared a prawn with her fork.
By the time they left the restaurant, she had come round to Mo’s way of thinking, but she knew it would be an early start in the morning. She planned to arrive at the cottage before the inhabitants got up for breakfast.
Chapter Fifteen
I lie awake listening to the cries of seagulls following a fishing boat. I could be back on Suðuroy. It’s too early to get up. My internal clock tells me it’s about four thirty or five.
I don’t know what to do about Konrad. I should phone Hilde. The people who were looking after him in Copenhagen will soon realise the boy is not where they thought. I can’t believe they let him go to a so-called friend’s house. He doesn’t know anyone in Denmark. I have to admire his resourcefulness and determination, if not his methodology.
“Josh” avoided me last night. I know I didn’t react well to our first meeting. I’d studied the photos during the day, so it shouldn’t have been a big shock to meet in person. But it made it real. A reality I still cannot fathom, let alone accept.
I can’t lie in bed any longer. After a quick trip to the bathroom, hoping the toilet flushing doesn’t wake them, I go into the kitchen, put the coffee pot on, and survey the supplies in the fridge and the cupboards. We will need more food soon.
I take a mug of coffee into the living room. The fire has been re-laid with fresh logs. I know I didn’t do that, but I’m grateful. One well-placed match and it isn’t long before the flames start to lick around the bottom of the pile.
Opening the notebook I’d brought down from the attic, I read through the handwritten notes with a growing sense of wonder. My words, setting out the premise for my PhD thesis. Did I ever finish it? Just seeing the acronym PDV brings back a flood of memories. I don’t need to read the conclusions of my academic writings to know there was no happy ending. Despite all the research, samples taken and examined, the cause of the virus eluded all our efforts. I know without reading it that my final observations projected the view that until we knew how to treat it, another outbreak would occur with possibly even more devastating effects on the seal population.
My coffee has gone cold, but the fire is finally giving off a good amount of heat. I feel cocooned, content. Being here always gave me that feeling. Except when Jay was around. Then I was emotionally charged up. We were either making love or arguing. Or both at the same time.
My life, it seems, has been divided into halves. The first half bursting with passion, ideas, love. The second, a half-life of mind-numbing routine, an existence rather than a life.
Konrad was the only brigh
t spot that gave me the reason to go on living. He bursts into the room now, an enthusiastic bundle of energy. I put the book down and smile up at him.
“Sleep well?”
“Yes. Josh’s room is amazing. He made all the furniture himself.”
We speak in the language he has grown up with. In the kitchen I start preparing breakfast while he chatters on, telling me about the model ship Josh built when he was twelve. Did I know there’s a seal sanctuary not far away? Josh said they could go there.
“Where is Josh?” The name doesn’t sit easily on my tongue.
“He went down to the beach. Said he needed some thinking time.”
Avoiding me again, I guess. Konrad’s hero worship is touching. Will I destroy it by telling him Josh isn’t a real man?
He happily hoovers up the scrambled eggs and toast. I stick with toast and marmalade. He has to know about Josh. It will come out sooner or later.
“There’s something you should know,” I start off hesitantly.
He looks up from his plate.
“Josh was born a girl.”
“Yeah, I know. He told me.”
“That doesn’t bother you?”
“Why should it?”
I stare at him, open-mouthed. He will never have met anyone who has changed sex. How has he accepted this so easily?
Konrad is giving me a strange look now.
“He explained it to me. That he was unhappy as a child. He always felt wrong. The change made him happy. He says it’s like having a life, not just an existence.”
I’m astounded. I don’t know how to react, my own thoughts on living a half-life echoed back to me.
“Josh has these cool tattoos. Jay has them too. They had a new one done together only a few weeks ago. A leaping dolphin. He says he’s going to have a half-sleeve on that arm one day. The other arm is mostly covered with a seal’s head near the shoulder, and a sailing ship in the background. Can I have a tattoo?”
I shake my head. Not in answer to Konrad’s question. It’s all too much. Mo mentioned they held vigils on the beach every year after I was gone. Were these tattoos symbolic of their shared grief as well? No wonder this changed child of mine is likely bewildered by my lack of response towards her…him.
“He says it doesn’t really hurt much. Sometimes afterwards it itches for a few days. But there’s a cream you can put on.”
Konrad is still talking about tattoos. I get up and pour more coffee for both of us. Then I hear it, the sound of a car coming up the lane.
†
The drive back was uncomfortable. Alice pressed herself against the door, as far away as she could get from Tess in the back seat. She had been perfectly civil to Donna and Cheryl when they were released from the hospital, but hadn’t said a word to her girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend is a possibility now. Tess closed her eyes and tried to block out the negative thoughts crowding into her mind.
Their car was a write-off. They had only been subjected to a brief interview by the police. Since neither of them had been drinking, it was considered an unfortunate accident. No other vehicles were involved. Another motorist had phoned it in, having seen the car’s impact with the embankment. They were concerned it was going to burst into flames.
So far her parents had been all sympathy. The hard questions would come later. Sooner than she would have liked, they arrived at the flat. Amazingly there was a parking space available on the street opposite their front door. Tess caught Cheryl’s glance in the rearview mirror as she turned off the ignition. Although they’d discussed it before leaving the hospital, she wasn’t looking forward to what would happen next.
“Alice, will you be okay at home on your own?”
“Yes. My sister’s coming round. And my parents will be back tomorrow.” Alice fumbled the door open with her good hand. Her other arm was in a sling.
“Good. We’ll just pick up a few of Tess’s things, and then we’ll be out of your hair.”
Cheryl followed Tess into the bedroom. It was as they’d left it two days ago. Letting out a big sigh, Tess opened her underwear drawer. Suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of having to pack anything, she sat on the bed.
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Cheryl sat next to her. “I know it’s hard. But you need to give her some space to think things through.”
“It wasn’t all my fault. She grabbed the wheel.”
“It’s not a good idea to be apportioning blame at the moment. We’re just thankful you’re both alive and relatively unharmed.”
“But the car….”
“Is scrap metal. If your insurance doesn’t cover it you’ll be relying on public transport for a while.”
Tess looked around the room she had shared with Alice for the last four years. Her head slumped forward and Cheryl’s arm snaked around her shoulders.
“I can live without a car. I don’t think I can live without Al.” She choked on the last word, the sobs starting to come thick and fast.
Cheryl held her until Tess stopped shaking, then handed her a tissue from her pocket. “Come on. You don’t need to take much with you for now. Then you can come back in a few days to talk to Alice. But now is not the time, for either of you.”
Tess knew she was right. There were so many things to sort out. She would welcome the support of her parents in dealing with the insurance company and replacing the essential items that hadn’t survived the crash, like her laptop. At least her phone was okay. Alice’s hadn’t made it, though. Something else Al would hate her for, the loss of the iPhone she’d upgraded for the latest model only the week before.
With Cheryl’s help, Tess managed to pack what she needed from the bedroom and the bathroom. She wanted to say goodbye to Alice, but Cheryl guided her out the front door before she could protest.
†
The drive to the cottage had never seemed so long. Jay envied Ritchie sleeping on his blanket on the front seat, unaware of the passing of time. And like an astronaut in suspended animation travelling to a distant star, he would wake to find himself in a different place, untroubled by the mechanics of getting there.
Ritchie sat up as soon as they turned up the lane, paws on the dashboard, tail wagging frantically. She wished she could feel the same enthusiasm. After the hours of imagined conversations through the night and during the drive, she wasn’t looking forward to confronting an angry Charley and an upset Josh. Jay parked the Land Rover next to Josh’s car.
Josh was walking up from the beach as she rounded the corner of the cottage. Ritchie bounded ahead to greet him. Jay approached more slowly, giving herself time to gauge his emotional state.
†
Amanda felt she had a turned a corner in the breakup with Jay. She was sleeping through the night, and Lynne’s presence had a lot to do with that. At some point soon she would have to face going back to her apartment. But she wasn’t sure she was quite ready for that yet.
One of the cats wound its way through her legs as she came out of the bathroom. Slinky, she thought it was called. Lynne had been up for a while. Amanda smelt the coffee and heard the light tapping of fingers on a keyboard. Not wanting to disturb the professor at work, she moved quietly through to the kitchen. Lynne called out to her as she reached into the cupboard for a mug.
She prepared her drink and then walked back to the living room. Lynne looked up from her laptop.
“You might want to sit down.”
“What is it? Bad news?” Amanda took the chair that wasn’t occupied by the other cat.
“Good news really, for someone whose name we aren’t mentioning.”
“You mean Jay.”
“Yes.” Lynne rubbed her face. “It’s the weirdest thing. Quite unbelievable, in fact.”
“What is?”
“Charlotte Summersbridge is alive and well.”
“But…she can’t be. She died, didn’t she? A long time ago.”
“Twenty-three years ago. Claims she lost h
er memory. Well, she hasn’t actually said that. It’s in the press statement put out by the Danish embassy. All the journos think she’s holed up there and are parked outside waiting for her to come out and talk to them.”
“Why the Danish embassy?”
“Well, the Ecuadorians weren’t keen to have another long-term guest.” Lynne grinned. “Sorry, couldn’t resist. No, it’s because she was living on the Faroe Islands. They don’t have their own embassy, just rent space from the Danes, I guess.”
Amanda sipped her coffee while she digested this information.
“Good thing we didn’t get married, then.” Amanda twisted a strand of loose hair away from her face. “I would still like to wear that dress, though.”
Slinky had made his way onto Lynne’s lap. She was looking down at him and stroking his head when she said softly, “And I would like to see you wearing it.”
“It’s a special-occasion sort of dress, though, not something I could…oh.” Amanda put her coffee mug down and moved to sit next to Lynne on the sofa. “Do you mean…?”
Lynne was still looking at the cat, but she moved her free hand to grasp Amanda’s. “I know you may not feel the same way about me, and it’s probably too soon after Jay, but I would like very much to see you in that dress, walking down the aisle….”
“You want to marry me?”
Lynne glanced at her, tears falling down her face. “Yes. Not the most romantic proposal ever and I understand if you turn me down because I know you don’t love me the way you loved Jay….”
Amanda put a stop to Lynne’s rambling words by placing her arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.
“Perhaps we should see how I feel after this.”
Slinky jumped off Lynne’s lap with a startled meow as Amanda leaned in for a kiss.
†
I see them together; the dog’s tail wagging between the two as they hug. My heart is pulling me towards them, while my head rebels. This is my family. I want to be part of it, but I feel distant, separated. The years of my absence have been hard on them. Jay, particularly. I think of the times I pleaded with her to give up playing tennis so we would have more time together.