Zen Queen

by Kirsty McManus

  She smiles. “Yeah, Kentaro is a sweetie. Hey listen, I was going to wait, but I have something to tell you…”

  “What? No one’s died, have they?” Of course something catastrophic would have happened while I was away. It’s so typical of my life.

  “No, no. I’m pregnant!” she blurts out.

  I stare at her. “Wow! Congratulations! How far along are you?”

  “About four months. Can you believe it? I’m getting fat already!” She sticks out her belly to prove it.

  “It’s all so unexpected! But now that you mention it, it kind of makes sense. I should have known, when you of all people went off alcohol! And then you were really moody…”

  “I know! But you can’t blame the pregnancy for all my grouchiness. Listening to you go on and on about Zac was driving me round the twist! But let’s not go there now. I want to talk about me! I thought you would have guessed for sure on your birthday when you called me out on the chicken sashimi. I know Sarah thought something strange was going on, but she was too polite to say anything.”

  “So you didn’t really eat raw chicken?”

  “God, no! But Sarah did a while back, one night when she was really drunk, and I saw how sick it made her. There’s no way I’d be that stupid. But it was the first thing that popped into my head when you asked why I wasn’t drinking.”

  “I still can’t believe you’re having a baby! How’s Kentaro handling the news?”

  “He’s really happy. I was a bit worried at first, but he’s really looking forward to being a dad.”

  “So are you going to tell everyone at work?”

  “Eventually. I suppose I’ll have to leave my job closer to the due date. My schedule isn’t exactly suited to raising a child. I could look into part-time down the track, but I’m just going to take it one day at a time for now.”

  “I’m so happy for you. Are you going to stay in Japan? I’d be happy to babysit anytime if you do stay.”

  “That’s sweet. Yeah, I think we’ll stay here for now. We might go back to England one day, but I’m not in any hurry.”

  “We should celebrate! Sarah and I can organise your baby shower…”

  “Steady on,” she laughs. “I’ve still got ages to go.”

  “Well, my trip doesn’t seem nearly as exciting now. By the way, have you seen Zac lately? I really want to talk to him. I feel awful that our argument has been going on for so long.”

  “Oh, sweetie.” She looks at me sadly. “He’s gone back to Australia. I thought he would have told you.”

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “What?”

  “He’s gone home for Christmas. But I think he’s going to stay there.”

  “But all his stuff is still at the apartment,” I say, dumbfounded.

  “Starlight have a forwarding service if you have to leave suddenly. He’ll probably use that. All I know is he seemed pretty over it when he left.”

  “Do you think it was because of me?”

  “I doubt it. You obviously didn’t hear that he broke up with Miki, then?”

  I’m still reeling from the news of Alana’s pregnancy and Zac’s departure. And now this?

  “What happened? God, you go away for a couple of weeks and all hell breaks loose.”

  “We were right about her all along. She was a bitch. Zac found out she was cheating on him. You know that love hotel Luke took you to? Well, Miki had been meeting her lover there regularly. Zac followed her to the station one day after they’d been out to lunch, thinking she was going home. He was trying to catch up with her because she’d left her coat at the restaurant and it was raining, but then she got on a different train. Zac confronted her and she admitted everything. She even bragged about it. Stupid woman.”

  “Oh, poor Zac,” I say, my heart going out to him. “I guess he’d be pretty shattered. I wish he had called or e-mailed. I left him a letter before I went away.”

  “He didn’t say anything about a letter. In fact he said he was upset that you hadn’t tried to get in touch before you left. I think the whole thing with Miki happened right after your friend Alex arrived.”

  “But I left it on the counter, and it was gone when I got back.”

  “Maybe Miki took it.”

  “Probably. Ugh, this is a disaster. What should I do?”

  “There’s not much you can do, hon. I’m sure he’ll sort himself out after Christmas.”

  I want to burst into tears. “It can’t end like this, Alana.”

  “Why not?” She eyes me carefully.

  I know what she wants me to say. And I’m sick of denying it.

  “Because I love him, okay? You were right all along. He’s the perfect guy and I couldn’t say anything, because it wouldn’t have been fair to Miki, but now they’ve broken up and I’ve missed my chance!”

  “Ha! I knew it.”

  “Yeah, you’re a genius. Yay for you. But it’s too late, isn’t it? I’m not going to get a chance to tell him now.”

  “Yes, you will. He’ll be back for New Year’s Eve.”

  I stare at her. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Nope. I just wanted to you to finally admit your feelings for Zac. He has gone back to Australia, but not for good. You’ll get your chance. And if you don’t tell him how you feel, I will.”

  “Alana! You’re as bad as Miki!”

  “Hey! I wouldn’t go that far!”

  “I can’t believe you did that! You made me think he was gone forever!”

  “Aw. But doesn’t it feel good to finally get it off your chest?”

  “I guess.” I’m still not happy about her tricking me.

  I feel so drained after this emotional rollercoaster. I hang around Alana’s for a while and tell her about my trip, but it seems like such an anti-climax after all the excitement of the last hour. Now I’m feeling jittery. Telling Alana how I feel about Zac has made it all the more real. What if he rejects me? There’s no guarantee he feels the same way. In fact, he’ll probably meet up with all his friends back in Australia and run into some gorgeous girl he used to know, and before I know it, she’ll be moving into our apartment in the New Year. Or worse, he’ll actually stay in Australia and I’ll never get to see him again.

  It’s going to be a long week.

  ***

  Christmas is a low-key affair. I spend it with Alana, Kentaro and Sarah (who decided to stay in Japan rather than go home for the holidays) at Alana’s apartment. We get KFC, which Kentaro tells us is what a lot of Japanese people do. But he does get Alana to bake a Japanese Christmas cake. It’s vastly superior to the rum-soaked puddings from home, made from a vanilla sponge and covered in cream and fruit. I never pictured Alana as a homemaker, but she seems to have embraced the mother hen role wholeheartedly.

  Sarah corners me during dessert.

  “I have news about Bella!” She seems quite excited.

  “What?”

  “David and Hiroshi got fired! And of course you know Violet got sent back to Australia. They fired her too!”

  “Wh…how? What happened?”

  “Well, that guy Don from Ace did some asking around after you met up with him and it turned out Hiroshi hadn’t done David’s performance evaluation. Anyway, it came out that David was blackmailing Hiroshi into keeping him around, even though he wasn’t doing his job properly. Apparently David had spent the last six months playing online games and watching YouTube clips. They only thought he’d been productive because he took all your ideas.”

  “Ha! I knew there was something suspicious about the guy. So how was he blackmailing Hiroshi?”

  “Somehow, David found out that Hiroshi was using company money to visit Hokkaido regularly to see his mistress.”

  An old memory re-surfaces.

  “Ah. So that’s why Hiroshi went all weird when David was talking to him about Hokkaido when I first got here. So what happened with Violet?”

  “I don’t know. I only got a quick message from Don the other day saying
that Violet was no longer at the company because they didn’t tolerate dishonest conduct. And he also asked for you to get back to him about your decision.”

  “Oh, of course. I’ll write tomorrow. I’ve made up my mind, but I just haven’t got around to telling Don.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “You’ll see.”

  I made Alana swear not to tell anyone about the whole Zac thing. I don’t want to be completely humiliated if it all goes wrong. I just hope my gamble pays off. I’m going to be turning down a very lucrative offer in Australia to stay, and hopefully start my own business. But I’m going to need help from a certain roommate.

  “Interesting. So when will I find out?”

  “In a few days.”

  “Ooh—the intrigue!”

  I wink at her mysteriously. “You don’t know the half of it.”

  THIRTY-THREE

  It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve been feeling jumpy all morning. Alana said that Zac told her his flight gets in today, but he didn’t say what time or what airline. I contemplate phoning the airport and asking for all the flights from Australia, but then I realise it might come across as a bit weird if anyone found out. So instead, I’ve been pacing the floor in my tiny apartment, wondering what to do with myself.

  Our gang is planning to go to Kyoto tonight. We’re going to catch the train up around nine and have a few drinks on the way. I’ve already stocked my backpack with cans of Chu-Hi.

  I try calling Zac, but his phone is switched off. I have a whole day to fill in and no idea how to occupy my time. Alana and Kentaro don’t want to be disturbed. Sarah is out with some guy she met at work. Apparently he’s from Canada and he’s replacing David. He sounds a lot nicer than his predecessor. He doesn’t start until next week, but they met when Sarah collected him from the airport. I get the feeling they might end up being more than just colleagues.

  Masahiro and his family are in Okinawa. I make a note to visit them again when they return.

  Even Grover and his girlfriend are all loved up and don’t want to be bothered. Not that I would want to socialise with Grover outside of work. Apart from a recently discovered mutual obsession with The Beatles, we have nothing in common. There’s only so much you can say about Yoko Ono breaking up the group.

  Besides, I’m going to see more than enough of him tonight.

  Perhaps a bike ride up the river will help me burn off some nervous energy.

  It’s freezing cold. My fingers are numb, even through my gloves, but it’s exhilarating. I wave at the homeless men who have a small campfire going near one of their shacks. They call out that I should visit more often, but I’m still not entirely comfortable with the idea. Perhaps I’ll accompany Sarah one day and get to know them that way.

  I phone my parents as I cruise along beside the water. I’ve become very adept at multi-tasking while riding. As well as talking and texting, I can also ride while holding an umbrella.

  I wish Mum and Dad a Happy New Year and promise to come visit them in a few months if I end up staying on. Tonight will confirm whether the decision I made in Koya-San was the right one. Otherwise, I could be returning to live with them until I figure out what to do next. I wonder if Don would still let me take the creative director position if I asked. I’ve already turned it down, but I probably should have waited until tomorrow.

  Next, I phone Alex, because I haven’t spoken to him since he left.

  “Hey, sweetie! How are you?”

  “Good. How was your Christmas?”

  “Not too bad. I spent some time with Mum. I’ve been busy with the shop, but we closed early today. I’ve got that party tonight, so I have to get ready soon!”

  “Oh, that’s right. What about Michael? Is he still going with you?”

  “I think so. We’ve talked a bit, and he’s feeling better about things. He thinks maybe he was just afraid of our relationship. I never knew he still struggled so much with being gay. Anyway, we’re taking it slow.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “So, what about you? Any exciting plans for tonight?”

  “We’re all going to Kyoto. It should be nice.”

  “What about that roommate of yours? Did you work things out with him?”

  “He went back to Australia for Christmas, so I haven’t had a chance. But he’s coming home today, I think.”

  Alex senses the excitement in my voice.

  “What aren’t you telling me, Jess?”

  “Nothing! Well…maybe not nothing. You know how I was a bit quiet while we were away? It was because I was thinking about Zac, but he was going out with Miki, so I didn’t want to say anything. But it turns out they broke up just after we went away, and now I’m wondering if we might have a future together.”

  “Ah. Well, good luck sweetie. I hope he feels the same way.”

  “Fingers crossed.”

  “Hey, I’m sorry but I’ve got to go. Have fun tonight.”

  “You too. Bye!”

  That’s two people I’ve told about my feelings for Zac. Scary.

  My phone beeps. I have a text from Alana.

  Zac’s flight’s been delayed. He’ll meet us in Kyoto tonight.

  My heart leaps. He’s actually coming back!

  I quickly text a reply. Did you tell him about the letter I left?

  She writes back. Forgot to ask. You can ask him yourself tonight.

  Damn. I hope that doesn’t mean he’s still mad at me. But then, wouldn’t he feel the same way about Miki as I do, now that he knows what she’s really like? There’s only one way to find out.

  I spend an inordinate amount of time doing my hair and make-up in the afternoon. I also change my outfit a hundred times until I decide on a black woollen dress, orange tights and a matching orange scarf. I step into my black ankle boots and check my reflection. Not bad.

  I meet the others at the train. They all seem to be in high spirits. Sarah swigs from a bottle of sake, while I get out my Chu-Hi. Everyone else is drinking beer, except for Alana who is sipping a bubble tea. But she doesn’t seem to mind. Sarah has brought her date along. His name is Blake and he seems really nice. It almost makes me want to ask for my job back at Bella. But not quite.

  I feel like the odd one out. Everyone has dates but me. It’s going to be pretty awkward if Zac doesn’t want to talk to me later on.

  I can’t sit still. I feel like my stomach is full of jelly.

  “Relax,” Alana says to me. “You know he’s not going to reject you.”

  “How do you know that? Has he said anything to you?”

  She looks like she’s about to say something and then changes her mind. “No, but it’s obvious. You two are perfect together.”

  “I hope he thinks so.”

  “Here, have some of Sarah’s sake.” She shoves the bottle in my face.

  “That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it? So are you missing it? Not being able to drink all the time?”

  “Nah, I’m fine. Kentaro is intoxicating enough for me.”

  Kentaro grins. “What does intoxicating mean?”

  I laugh. “Don’t worry, Kentaro, it’s a good thing. Sickening, but good.”

  His smile widens.

  “What time did he say he was coming?” I ask Alana.

  “He didn’t. He’ll text me when he gets there.”

  We pile out of the crowded train at Kawaramachi Station. The whole city is in celebration mode. Teenage girls are dressed like Sailor Moon, and lots of little kids are running around in canary yellow Pikachu outfits. Everyone is drifting towards Maruyama Park.

  “Where are we going?” I ask.

  “No idea. We’ll just follow the crowds,” Sarah says.

  It soon becomes apparent that we’re not going to get far. The whole main street is filled to the brim with people. It’s almost like a music festival, without the music. But it doesn’t matter—the excitement is palpable. Everyone is spending time with their friends and loved ones, an
d our small group is just a tiny dot in the sea of people. We settle on the edge of the street near a row of shops. Alana perches on the curb, complaining of sore feet. “Jess, do you think you could maybe go and get me a chai latte from Starbucks?”

  “What? Now?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I sigh. Okay. Don’t go anywhere. And make sure you can hear your phone in case I get lost on the way back.”

  “Got it.”

  I push my way through the tightly packed crowd. The footpath is marginally clearer than the road, so I make decent, but slow progress. I can just see the Starbucks up ahead.

  I reach the door and gently push my way through the people seeking refuge from the cold. I stand inside for a second, enjoying the warmth of the coffee shop.

  That’s when I see him standing near the counter. He looks as gorgeous as ever, his blonde hair all dishevelled and his eyes sparkling when he smiles at the cashier.

  I start to walk towards him when he sees me.

  His eyes light up. “Jess!”

  “Hey.” I suddenly feel all shy.

  “It’s so good to see you. Where are the others?”

  “Just up the street a bit. Do you want me to take you?”

  “In a minute. Why don’t we sit and have a drink first?”

  “Okay. I’ll just order a hot chocolate. Maybe you can find us a chair?”

  “Sure.”

  I stand impatiently in line. A million things are rushing through my head. He doesn’t seem mad. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he has feelings for me. Can I actually go through with it and tell him how I feel? I’m crap at talking about love at the best of times.

  I collect my drink from the barista and find Zac sitting in a recently vacated two-seater. He motions for me to sit down beside him. I’m really nervous. After all this time, it’s strange being so close to him. God, he smells good.

  “So I guess Alana told you about Miki,” he starts.

  “Yes, and I’m so sorry. I feel really bad about snapping at her. It’s just that she had been saying some horrible things, and all this stuff had happened before that…I just couldn’t take it anymore.”