Head On

by Janel Anderson

  Furthermore, whether it is a case of too many check-ins (micromanaging) or some other behavior that you raise with your manager, you may be shedding light on one of your manager’s blind spots. Blind spots are areas or characteristics that are known to others but not known to ourselves. Because it is a blind spot or an area previously unnoticed or unrecognized, it will likely come as a surprise to your manager to learn this new information. It may also be the case that this new information is inconsistent with your manager’s existing self-concept. This alone can prompt defensiveness, regardless of how well you opened the conversation.

  The next part of the conversation is to remain open to what your manager’s response might be. You’ll need to keep your defensiveness in check during this portion of the conversation. Stay curious, listen closely to what your manager says in response, and ask follow-up questions. Your goal is mutual understanding and that will only come about through an active exchange of give and take, speaking and listening.

  As the conversation comes to a close, work toward an agreement that includes a concrete plan for what will change. Are there periodic updates you can give your manager so that she doesn’t need to meet with you as frequently? Are there other ways for your boss to get what he needs so that he doesn’t need to interrupt you so often? As you sort these out, agree on which ones will serve the needs of both parties and articulate who will do what when.

  When you get back to your office, send a brief email thanking your boss for their time and outlining the steps you both agreed to. This will make your agreement more tangible and your boss will have a chance to reflect and respond if there is anything that he or she disagrees with or thinks is different from what you discussed.

  It is sensitive to bring up what are essentially your boss’s shortcomings, especially if your organization does not have a culture that supports immediate and continuous feedback. In addition to structuring your conversation as we’ve outlined here, I suggest that you practice several times with a trusted friend or colleague before holding the conversation with your manager. Your practice partner can alert you to any words or turns of phrase that might make your boss defensive and the additional practice will help you feel more confident as you hold the conversation.

  Not all situations will fall into the high-stakes category. Some conversations with your manager or senior leader may not be based on mistakes or missteps, but they may be awkward or difficult to discuss nonetheless. We cover those conversations next.

  WHEN THE STAKES ARE MODERATE

  Perhaps there has been no misstep or no mistake made, but you need to discuss an uncomfortable topic with your manager. The nature of the topic makes it a difficult one to bring up and you’d perhaps rather avoid the issue than address it. However, you know that if not addressed now, there is the potential for it to become a much larger issue over time. Or perhaps it is something that needs to be addressed immediately, like a resignation conversation, and there is no easy way to say what needs to be said.

  Your Personal Life

  Sometimes things happen in your personal life that may have a dramatic impact on your work performance, or the potential to do so. In most cases, you would do well to inform your manager of what is going on, even if it is a difficult subject to broach. Examples include having a significant medical problem that needs attention, a relationship dilemma with your significant other, caring for an aging parent or a sick child, or a disrupted living situation, perhaps moving or remodeling your home. In any of these situations, your ability to bring your best effort to your work every day is at risk. And, if you happen to experience more than one of these at a time (why do massively disruptive phenomena in one’s personal life seem to happen all at once?), your ability to play full out at work will most certainly be compromised.

  Although you may be inclined to want to keep your personal life private and not share it with others at work, least of all your manager, in situations like these it is imperative to share at least a few facts with your boss. Much as you might like to, you can’t exactly check your emotions and your reactions to your personal life at the door when you step into the office. However, you can connect with your boss on the issue in a way that does not sound like you are complaining, asking for special favors, or asking your boss to solve your personal problems. And you can do so without sharing intimate details of your personal life.

  Take into account whether your manager is more relationship or task focused. If she doesn’t swing by to ask how you’re doing on a regular basis or make small talk, there is a good chance she is more task focused. On the other hand, if she does stop by regularly to inquire about your family, what you did over the weekend, or chat about the weather or your favorite team’s score in last night’s game, she is probably more relationship focused. If you’re not used to sharing personal information with your manager because one or both of you is more task focused, the conversation will most certainly feel awkward. You’ll want to put special emphasis on the effect the situation may have on your work. On the other hand, if one or both of you is more relationship focused, the conversation might feel a bit more natural and you may be more comfortable disclosing additional information.

  Let’s say that your teenager has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder and you need to take him for out-patient appointments with a nutritionist, a counselor, and a nurse practitioner on a weekly basis during business hours. If you are not comfortable sharing either the details or the diagnosis, you might say something like this to your manager, “Hey Adam, thanks for making time to talk with me on short notice. I wanted to let you know that my son has just received a medical diagnosis that requires me to take him to weekly doctor appointments during business hours for the next couple of months. I wanted to give you a head’s up before you saw my “Out of Office” notifications come through. It looks to be something that will take a few months to get fully resolved. I don’t expect it to impact my work performance, except for using some of my vacation time.”

  Or, let’s suppose you have a relationship issue with your spouse or significant other. It isn’t something that you anticipate will result in much time away from the office, but you know your level of concentration isn’t what it normally is. You might share something like this with your manager: “Hey Adam, thanks for carving out a few minutes for us to talk. I’ve got a situation that I wanted to share with you on a high level. You know discretion is very important to me and I’d like you to keep this confidential. There’s a little drama in my family life right now. I’d rather not share the details, but I wanted you to know that I’m doing my best to remain focused and engaged at work in the midst of it. I wanted to be proactive and let you know in case I seem a little distant or distracted from time to time. If it gets to a point where I need to take some personal time off to handle it, I certainly will do so.”

  Whether there is a medical issue, a relationship issue, or a logistics issue with you or with someone close to you that may impact your work, you’re going to be better off if you address the issue proactively with your manager rather than reactively after it has negatively impacted your work. Even those who hold the strictest of boundaries between their personal and professional lives will find this to be the case.

  It has two primary and positive benefits. First, your manager will be much more understanding if the situation outside of work does impact your work performance. Chances are, he or she has been in a similar situation at one point in their career and can empathize. It also makes it easier for them to bring your work performance up with you if it does suffer. Second, it puts you in control of the impression you are making on others. You choose the words and how much detail to share, and they see you as someone who is proactive and a hard worker, despite hurdles outside of work. You are proactively managing your career and your reputation.

  Problems with a Co-worker

  You’re not likely to get along swimmingly with all of your teammates all of the time. Occasionally you are going to clash over
something and once in a while, you might even feel out and out disdain for a co-worker. You are the best judge as to whether it is something you can simply ignore and get over or whether it needs to be addressed. If it does need to be addressed, I can’t stress enough how important it is to talk directly to your co-worker, following the steps outlined in Section Two of this book. In most cases, it will strengthen the relationship between you and your co-worker and you will feel confident in your ability to manage conflict successfully and reach agreement.

  Occasionally however, the conflict between you and your co-worker will eclipse your ability to successfully navigate the situation and you will need to get your boss involved. When you do so, be sure you’ve carefully thought through whether it is worth making this your boss’s problem. That is essentially what you are doing if you choose to go to him or her with the issue. If you do take the issue up the chain of command to your manager, be sure to come with a solution in mind.

  Let’s say you’re regularly assigned to work with Jess on projects. You are the person who is supposed to be the primary liaison with the client but Jess routinely goes directly to the client, cutting you out of the loop. On several occasions, this has left you feeling flustered when you’ve spoken with the client and found out that Jess had already filled them in on project details that you were calling to share. You’ve addressed it several times directly with Jess and you weren’t able to reach a lasting agreement. When you go to your boss, say something along the lines of, “Jess and I are having a hard time coordinating communication with our clients. We’ve talked about it directly and the solutions we’ve come up with aren’t working. I’d like to get your feedback and coaching first, and if that doesn’t work, I’d like to be assigned to different projects from the ones Jess is working on.”

  While it might not be feasible for your boss to move you off the projects with your over-reaching colleague, it does bring the situation to light in a respectful manner which demonstrates that you’ve tried to address the issue yourself and you’re coming with a solution to a problem, rather than just the problem itself. It also opens the discussion without condemnation or blaming of your colleague. Your boss may want to hear more about the situation and provide some coaching, so be ready to share specific examples while remaining fact-based, professional, and respectful.

  Understand, too, that situations like these typically do not have easy answers. You may be bringing up an issue that is entirely outside of your boss’s awareness, or it might be an issue that others have come to him with in the past. While there may not be a quick fix, allowing your boss in on the situation, does however, give him an opportunity to be on the lookout for the offending behavior so he or she can address it with your co-worker directly, give you coaching on how to handle it differently, or implement the solution you suggested.

  You’re Leaving

  Telling your boss you’re moving on is typically a breeze if you loathe either your job or your boss or both. But when you’ve come to know, like, and respect your manager, giving notice can be excruciating. You may feel that your chances of remaining professional colleagues in your field will be dashed or that she will take it personally. If you are moving on to something bigger and better, it’s probably more likely that she is going to find the news bittersweet: sad to see you go, while also being thrilled to see your professional career growth. Regardless of her reaction, it’s important to share the news in a way that does not damage the relationship.

  Find a time to deliver the news as soon as possible. Be sure to tell your boss you are leaving before you share the news with your co-workers or anyone else in your organization. News of this nature travels fast and you will be hard pressed to be the first to share it with your manager if you’ve already told others in the organization. Plan for a brief face to face meeting if possible. If either you or your manager are traveling or if you don’t work in the same physical location, then a phone call or videoconference will suffice.

  Do not, I repeat, do not send the news by email or text message. It may be awkward and uncomfortable to look your manager in the eye and tell her you are leaving, especially if she has poured energy, resources, and care into your professional development. On the other hand, if you haven’t enjoyed your role or reporting to your manager, you may have a fair amount of disdain for her. That doesn’t change the fact that it is unprofessional to text or email your resignation. Take the high road one last time and tell her in person that you are moving on.

  Find a time when your manager’s stress levels tend to be low. Coming in a bit earlier than usual and catching her at the front end of the day often works well. Be gracious and professional, and add a personal touch if it feels right. If you’ve enjoyed working for your manager and feel heartsick about telling her you are moving on, the conversation might start something like this: “Eva, thanks for finding a few minutes for me to stop by this morning. You’ve been a mentor to me over these past five years at Rainbow Sunshine Corp., and I never imagined the day would come when I’d be moving on. Yesterday I accepted the position of Head of the Project Management Office at the Intergalactic Zoo. Your coaching and development helped me land this role and I’m so grateful. I want to work closely with you and the others in our group over these next couple of weeks to make sure that this transition is as smooth as possible.” On the other hand, if you’ve not enjoyed working for your manager or the organization, do not sugar coat it. Still meet in person, be respectful and be professional. It might sound something like this: “Eva, thanks for finding a few minutes for us to meet this morning. I wanted to stop by personally and tell you this news. Yesterday I accepted the position of Head of the Project Management Office at the Intergalactic Zoo. I’m very excited about this new role, although I’ll certainly miss [insert something you like about your current organization]. I want to work closely with you and the others in our group over these next few weeks to make sure that my transition is as smooth as possible for you and the rest of the team.” Another variation on the “I’m leaving” conversation might be that you’re not leaving permanently but you do want to take some extra time away from the office for a “side hustle” you’ve got going. People take on side jobs for all sorts of reasons, some of them financial but oftentimes because the work is personally rewarding or uses a different skill set than does your day job. The time may come when you need to invest more time into that side hustle than usual and you won’t want it to compromise your full-time gig. This could range from taking an extended period of time away from the office, to adjusting your work hours, or some other request.

  Regardless of what the request is, share the facts, remain professional and be clear about what you are asking for. It might sound something like this: “Eva, thanks for taking a few minutes to meet with me this morning. As you know, I’ve long held a passion for cattle and I’ve been spending some of my time on nights and weekends grooming cattle for competitive showings. Bessie, one of the Red Angus that I groom, will be competing in the International Red Angus Show which is basically Westminster for cows. I’ve been asked to groom Bessie at the show and I plan to use my paid time off and take two weeks to attend the show later this fall. I’ll work closely with the team to make sure nothing is missed while I am out.”

  CONCLUSION

  Regardless of whether it is an uncomfortable topic or a high stakes situation, remember to keep your focus on the work and the organization. It is not personal, not for you nor for your manager. Odds are, your manager has had employees with circumstances that are equally if not more uncomfortable in the past. And, odds are that she has been in a similar dilemma at some point in her own career. Follow the method you’ve learned in this book for holding difficult conversations and the specific tips offered in this chapter and you will be on your way to delivering the news with grace and aplomb.

  EXERCISES

  #23: Owning Up

  Think of a time when you had a high stakes situation that you needed to discuss with your manager
where you were at fault. If you are lucky enough to have never had one, use your imagination or borrow a situation that happened to a friend or colleague.

  Using the techniques from this chapter, script how you would begin the dialogue. Be sure to demonstrate responsibility and accountability as well as pairing the problem with a solution.

  #24: Personal Issues

  Identify a time when your personal life was so demanding that it threatened the quality of your work at that point in your career. What exactly was happening and how was it impacting your work?