Searching for Normal

by C. J. Darlington

  I was frantic, and I flung open the top dresser drawer where I kept my wallet. It had to be enough. I yanked out the bills. Two twenties, a five, and three ones. I’d been saving it up to buy a new pair of boots, but I didn’t think about that now.

  Running back downstairs, I waited until Peter went to help a customer find a book on California wildlife, then tapped in the transaction for a copy of Whence the Night Comes and the key fob. My money barely covered it.

  “Whatcha doing?”

  I spun on my heels. Peter stood behind me. He used to be a city bus driver but injured his back and couldn’t sit the long hours anymore. I didn’t know how old he was, but he was probably older than my dad and younger than my grandfather. I think he shaved his head because he’d be half bald if he didn’t.

  “Gee whiz, kid, you’re as white as a sheet.”

  I tried to smile. “Just ringing up a purchase I forgot.”

  “You okay?”

  I really didn’t want to lie to him, but I couldn’t possibly tell him what was going on. He would tell my aunt, and that was not something I wanted to handle right now.

  I decided I wouldn’t answer either way. “I gotta run,” I said.

  That much was true. Tessa would be here soon, and somehow, I had to pull myself together.

  Back up in the apartment I grabbed Stanley’s leash, and after texting my aunt where I was going, I took him out for a walk. It’s the only thing I could think to do. Except in my haste I forgot my jacket and was shivering within two minutes.

  We passed Grounds and Rounds, the coffee shop my aunt had been considering partnering with to provide more than just a pot of coffee in the bookstore. I stepped inside to get warm, hoping Stanley would go unnoticed. We sat down at a corner table, and with my back to everyone, I lost it and cried silently into my hands.

  Lord, please help me. I don’t know how to handle this.

  This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t. How could I have done that? It didn’t matter that she’d provoked me or even touched me first. I’d let my inner fire, that rage I couldn’t seem to control, take over, and now I was going to pay the price.

  “What am I going to do?” I whispered to Stanley. He’d lain down at my feet and patiently, faithfully, waited to follow me to wherever I took him. But I couldn’t even depend on his stability. He’d be gone soon, and I’d be alone again.

  “Shay?”

  Oh, gosh, not another person recognizing me. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see a twenty-something woman with a head full of dark braids.

  My blank stare must’ve clued her in that I had no idea who she was.

  “I’m so sorry.” The woman sat down in the open chair at my table that I had not invited her to use. “You might not remember me. My name’s Zoe.” She held her paper coffee cup with both hands, several trendy copper rings stacked on multiple fingers. “I’m a youth leader at Tessa and Izzy’s church, and I came to the One Acts and saw all of you guys.”

  “Oh.”

  Shoot, now I remember her. I’d been so stressed at the time that I might not have recognized my own grandmother if she was standing in front of me.

  “They speak very highly of you.”

  My friends talked about me? And said nice things?

  I realized it was probably obvious I’d been crying, and I used my sleeve to wipe my eyes, hoping this Zoe lady wouldn’t call me out on it or ask me if I was okay. I was not okay.

  “Hey, can I get you something?” Zoe nodded toward the menu chalked on the wall.

  “I’m fine, thank you.”

  “Seriously. You look cold.” Zoe stood, her hoop earrings swooping at the movement. “Coffee? Tea? Hot chocolate?” She pointed at her own cup. “Soy latte?”

  I made a face, and Zoe belly laughed. I finally told her Earl Grey tea, just to get her off my case. A minute later a steaming cup sat before me, and Stanley sniffed the air as Zoe sat in the chair across from me again. She pressed her finger to her lips to indicate she wasn’t going to tell on us.

  “You guys did a great job with your play,” Zoe said.

  I took a sip of the tea and nearly burned off the roof of my mouth.

  I honestly didn’t know what to say. I’d barely met this woman, and yet she acted like she was my friend. Is it because she’s a youth leader? Maybe that’s what they are taught to do.

  “Do you go to a youth group?”

  “No.”

  I wasn’t up for giving explanations. If she judged me, she judged me. My aunt and I didn’t go to church either, but it wasn’t because we didn’t love God. We just hadn’t found our place, and in my aunt’s case, she worked so hard six days a week and sometimes even had to work Sundays.

  “You’re welcome to come visit ours anytime you want.”

  How does she even know if I’m a Christian? I guess Tessa or Izzy told her.

  I saw myself pushing Kelsey again. It was as clear and sharp as a movie. I could feel the anger pulsing in my hand and the look of disbelief flash across her face. She hadn’t expected me to do that, and I wished more than anything I could take it back.

  I snapped out of my wandering thoughts and saw Zoe staring at me with a concerned expression. She leaned forward slightly. “I’m not going to pry, but just know you can talk if you want.”

  “I don’t even know you.”

  “Sometimes that makes it easier.”

  I tried my tea again and managed to swallow it down. It didn’t have any milk like I normally added, so the bergamot tang was strong.

  “Tessa’s coming over tonight,” I said.

  “Mmm . . . sounds fun.” Zoe’s coffee-colored eyes somehow exuded the warmth my body was lacking.

  “We’re watching the meteor shower.”

  “Definitely not my cup of tea.” Then she chuckled at her own joke, and it turned into that contagious laugh.

  Only it wasn’t so contagious for me. I was stalling, I knew. What if something I say gets back to my friends? Are youth leaders held to some code of honor like a priest or a lawyer, where whatever you share stays with them? I don’t want to ask.

  “I messed up,” I finally said.

  “Something we all do.”

  “Really bad.” I couldn’t look at her.

  Zoe worked on her latte and just nodded, listening.

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “Well, not knowing the full situation, I’d ask you if it’s something you need to tell your parents.”

  At least I knew my friends hadn’t blabbed about my situation to this lady.

  “I don’t have any parents. At least not anymore.”

  “Then your guardian.”

  Does Aunt Laura need to know? Probably. But I’m too scared I’d get in even more trouble. It’s not like anything happened. Kelsey didn’t fall or hurt herself, and she was stealing from the store! I was trying to stop her. That had to count for something, right?

  “It’s really complicated,” I said.

  Zoe was nodding again.

  “I tried to make it right, but . . .” I wiped at my eyes again. I really didn’t want to do this. Not now, and not with Zoe, though she did seem nice.

  Reaching for my hand, Zoe gave it a squeeze. “Here’s what I do know, Shay. There’s nothing you could do or will ever do that God can’t forgive. Tell Him. He wants to be there for you.”

  “He just . . .” I couldn’t seem to complete my sentences anymore. I wanted to say God felt so far away right now, but Zoe was a youth leader, someone whose business it was to be close to God. I wasn’t sure if she’d understand.

  “Pardon me, miss?”

  A male employee wearing a ball cap and black apron approached the table.

  Zoe gave him a smile, though I knew he was talking to me.

  “Unless that’s a service dog, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” The guy seemed apologetic, but he stood there waiting for me to obey.

  “Thanks,” I said to Zoe, who got up with me. I could tell by the wa
y she crinkled her forehead that she wanted to talk more, to perhaps be that wise confidant all youth leaders were supposed to be, but I couldn’t handle that right now. Why is it that when people are actually nice to me, I sometimes feel like running away?

  We left the coffee shop together, and Zoe looked at me like she was about to say something.

  “I’ve got to go,” I blurted. I spun around and walked briskly away from her. Stanley and anxiety my sole companions once more.

  Chapter 20

  TESSA ARRIVED RIGHT ON TIME at six o’clock. I could still feel my panic hovering within me, but I’d managed to push it to the outskirts. At least for now. I really didn’t want Tessa to know how much I was struggling, and I wasn’t even sure why.

  “I hope you like supreme pizza,” I said, once she walked in the door and deposited her duffel bag in my bedroom.

  “I’m not usually a fan of grease, but I’ll make an exception for pizza!” Tessa plopped into one of the kitchen chairs and watched me pull the pizza box from the freezer, tear it open, remove the pizza from its plastic, and set it in the oven.

  My hands weren’t shaking anymore, thankfully.

  “How was your day?” Tessa asked.

  Ugh. Loaded question.

  “Okay,” I said, resting my hands on the counter. I hung my head for a moment and then turned toward my friend. “Actually, that’s not really true.”

  I waited for her reaction.

  “I hear you,” Tessa said.

  Her voice was kind, and I relaxed a little, knowing I could trust her. I couldn’t tell Tessa everything, but even just sharing my struggles with someone was freeing. What would happen if I took a risk and told her more?

  I wasn’t there yet, but I wished I was.

  Instead, I told her about the barn and how I’d gotten to visit with a wounded horse. I shared about working in the bookstore, but I hesitated when I got to the part about Kelsey and Jade.

  “Remember those girls you thought were giving me a hard time at school?”

  “Yeah,” Tessa said.

  The kitchen was starting to smell like pizza, and I pulled baby carrots and dip from the fridge for us to munch while we waited.

  “They’re juniors, and they came into the bookstore today.”

  Tessa popped a carrot into her mouth. “I bet that was uncomfortable.”

  That is one way to describe it. Ugh. Why can’t I bring myself to tell her what happened? Because it’s impossible to share the whole story without revealing what they are holding over me. But would Tessa really be horrified if she knew what that was?

  I ate some carrots and tried to imagine Tessa giving me the cold shoulder. It didn’t seem like her, or Amelia and Izzy. But we were just starting to forge something more than a casual, superficial friendship, so it was all new territory to me. Do I really want to jeopardize things with something that big?

  No.

  That was the clear answer. I did not. I couldn’t. It was a big enough step having Tessa spend the night.

  “I’ve never really had many sleepovers,” I finally said.

  “Wait, what happened with Kelsey and Jade?”

  “They were jerks.”

  Tessa made an understanding sound through her carrot crunching. Stanley was sitting beside her begging, but she didn’t seem to notice. She swallowed. “Like how?”

  I went to check the pizza, turning my back on her and hoping she’d think I didn’t hear the question.

  “I wonder if Izzy’s sister, Claire, knows them. She’s a junior too,” Tessa finally said.

  “Maybe,” I muttered.

  “Let’s ask.” Tessa produced her phone and started tapping on it.

  “Really? Now?”

  “Why not?” She kept tapping.

  Well, it would give us something to do.

  Tessa turned the phone toward me before she hit Send.

  Do you or Claire know anything about two juniors at school, Kelsey and Jade? I’m with Shay, and we’re wondering.

  I shrugged my agreement to send it.

  Tessa did, and we waited, munching carrots.

  “We sound like rabbits,” Tessa said.

  I laughed. “I call dibs on Flemish giant.”

  She started laughing too. “I’m a Holland lop.”

  “What?” I nearly choked.

  “It’s a breed!”

  “I figured that.”

  “Here.” Tessa pulled up a photo on her phone, and we both started making I-see-a-cute-animal sounds.

  The phone dinged, her notification of incoming texts.

  It was Izzy. I’ll ask her. Hold on . . .

  “Claire?” I mouthed.

  “She can’t hear you, Shay.”

  I went to playfully smack her on the arm but thought better of it. My physical altercation with Jade and Kelsey was still too fresh. What if my instincts were off? What if something was wrong with me and I didn’t know how to actually interact with my friends in healthy ways?

  Another text came in.

  Izzy: Claire knows of them, but they don’t hang in the same crowds.

  Tessa started tapping on her screen again, and this time she didn’t show me before she sent it. She turned the screen toward me after the chirp of incoming dread.

  They’ve been bullying Shay.

  Izzy: What?!? No!

  “I don’t know if I’d call it bullying,” I said, hovering over Tessa’s shoulder as she texted.

  Tessa looked up at me. “Then what do you call it?”

  “They were talking, and . . .” Come on, Shay. Kelsey had actually grabbed the front of my coat. She’d threatened to tell the whole school something I was ashamed of, and now she was literally breaking the law and blackmailing me to pay for it. What do I call that?

  Izzy: They better not do that when I’m around!

  Tessa typed, Me either! and turned it so I could see.

  The oven timer buzzed. Good save. My emotions were so close to the surface that I might start crying at their kindness.

  “My aunt will be up sometime soon,” I said. “She wants to officially meet you.”

  “I’ve kinda met her in the bookstore.”

  I set the pizza down on the table and brought over paper plates and napkins. Aunt Laura didn’t seem to own a pizza cutter, at least I couldn’t find it, so I had to make do with a knife. I ended up making a mess and burning my fingers, but I got it cut and served us both two slices to begin.

  I started to take a huge bite but then set mine down. “Do you pray before you eat?”

  “Usually,” Tessa said, “but it’s okay if you don’t.”

  “I feel like a heathen.”

  “I’m pretty sure God doesn’t see it that way.”

  “Hope not.”

  Tessa chuckled. “It’s our way of thanking Him for something good like pizza.” She grinned. “Plus, He probably likes it just because then we’re talking to Him, but it’s not like it earns you points or anything.”

  “Okay, then can you pray?”

  My friend hesitated for a second, then bowed her head. “Father, thank You for the delicious-smelling food and for the chance to hang out with my friend Shay. I ask You to bless this meal and help us to have fun and be an encouragement to each other. Amen.”

  “Amen,” I echoed.

  Have fun and encourage each other. I’d never thought of it that way before, but that was kinda the point of Christian friendship, wasn’t it?

  “I saw Zoe today,” I said.

  Tessa’s eyes widened right as she took a bite of pizza, and it took her a second to chew it fully. “Wait, really? Youth group Zoe?”

  I nodded. “At Grounds and Rounds.”

  “She’s really nice,” Tessa said.

  “It was weird that she recognized me from the One Act. I didn’t recognize her.”

  “I know, right? I wish I had a memory like that. She can remember Scriptures she memorized in first grade.”

  “Now I really feel like a heathen!”
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  We ate for a minute in silence, and it was strangely comfortable.

  “You’re welcome to come to our youth group if you ever want,” Tessa said. “You don’t have to go to our church.”

  I didn’t want to admit to her that I didn’t go to any church, but maybe it wouldn’t hurt. “I don’t really have a church,” I said.

  “What about your aunt?”

  “Neither of us do.”

  Tessa wiped her mouth with her napkin. I felt like she was trying to decide what to say but didn’t know how. I wouldn’t exactly blame her for coming down on me. Ever since Dad died, I hadn’t given God the same attention, which made me feel incredibly guilty. I’d sit down to read my Bible and get distracted. Or I’d read a Scripture and not understand it. If I was being honest, my relationship with God wasn’t any stronger than the one with my grandmother. I didn’t hate Him, but I didn’t understand Him either. What does that say about my status as a Christian?

  “Is that terrible?” I finally asked.

  Aunt Laura walked through the apartment door right then, and Tessa didn’t get a chance to answer.

  “Hey, girls!” My aunt carried grocery bags. She held them up. “Dessert?”

  “Yes!” I said, and Tessa laughed.

  “Hope you like ice cream.”

  But it wasn’t just ice cream. My aunt had purchased all the ingredients for the best sundae I’d ever had. Peanuts, chocolate syrup, caramel, marshmallows, sprinkles, bananas, and Oreo cookies. If she was in the running for “best aunt” award, she’d be getting it tonight.

  Tessa and I were groaning in delight as we spooned up every bite.

  “Ugh, I can’t eat any more!” I said when I was finished.

  “Me either.”

  We collapsed on the sofa, and Stanley jumped up and nestled between us. I threw a blanket over all three of us, and he didn’t move. We’d decided to watch a movie and go to bed early so we could get up before the sun for the meteor shower. It was best viewed before dawn, and I didn’t want to miss it.

  Tessa brought Pride & Prejudice, the version with that actress who was in those pirate movies. “I can’t believe you’ve never seen it,” she said.

  “Or read the book.”

  She smacked her head with her palm. “Heresy!”