Searching for Normal

by C. J. Darlington

  My aunt left me alone with Matilda and the photograph. It took me a long time to fall asleep.

  Chapter 27

  TESSA INVITED ME TO YOUTH GROUP AGAIN on Wednesday, but this time I stayed home. Even though I’d gotten a lot out of it before, I still felt like an outsider—even a little hypocritical considering the mistakes I’d made. I knew none of the girls who attended were perfect, but they were at least less imperfect than me.

  At lunch on Friday I sat with my friends and tried to keep composed while I really thought about tomorrow’s Mason King event.

  “So are you ready?” Izzy asked me when I pulled out my peanut butter sandwich. Today I’d added some honey.

  “I guess,” I said.

  Amelia’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh, I forgot! You’re meeting your father tomorrow!”

  I grimaced at how loud she said it. She seemed to realize her mistake as soon as she spoke. Her hand went to her mouth. “Sorry.”

  I checked around us, but no one seemed to be paying attention. As usual. We were definitely not considered one of the popular groups. Drama class students never were, and the four of us especially were such a hodgepodge of personalities.

  “Pop quiz,” Izzy said.

  Tessa stabbed at her salad with a grin. “Not another big word no one has ever heard of!”

  Izzy grinned right back. “No, silly, I’m done with that. This time it’s food.”

  “What?” I broke my sandwich in half.

  “Food.” Izzy took a bite of her pizza. “What’s your favorite dessert?”

  I grinned. “Will you make it for me if I answer?”

  Izzy returned the grin. “I am definitely looking for ideas.”

  “Banana pudding,” Amelia said.

  Tessa purred in agreement and added, “I love anything with peanut butter and chocolate.”

  Izzy was tapping on her phone, probably noting things down in a memo. She looked to me.

  “Chocolate ice cream,” I said.

  Amelia grabbed her napkin. “I think we need to have all of these at the same time.”

  “Count me in,” I said.

  “I’ve never made ice cream,” Izzy said. “I bake hot things.”

  “You should try it.”

  “I might!”

  Amelia pointed at me. “Seriously, what are you going to say to him?”

  “I don’t know.” I might not even meet the man, much less talk to him. I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to tell Mason how I’d admired him for a long time and that I wanted to be like him. I wanted to tell him about my adoptive dad dying and see his response. Would I be able to tell in his expression whether he knew he had a daughter? Would his eyes mist as he thought about the baby girl he never knew?

  “It’s like a movie,” Amelia said, eyes widening. “You’re Anne Hathaway about to find out you’re a princess or—”

  “Anne Hathaway?” Izzy pulled a pepperoni off her pizza slice and popped it in her mouth. “Anne is five foot eight with dark hair.”

  Amelia made a face. “Work with me here.”

  “And Shay’s not about to find out she’s—”

  “Guys, it doesn’t matter,” I said.

  Tessa and I exchanged glances at the way our friends were so passionate about the arts. I had no idea who would play me in a movie, but it wouldn’t be Anne Hathaway, that much I knew. Even if she could un-age herself. I pictured one of those completely unknown girls who the casting agent picks because of her sheer talent. And the movie would jump-start her career, and . . . I smiled to myself. Maybe I had a little drama in me sometimes.

  “I’d want an unknown to play me,” I added.

  Amelia didn’t look convinced. “Not someone famous?”

  “You have to start somewhere,” I said. “I mean, Scarlett Johansson was an unknown before The Horse Whisperer.”

  My friends stared at me.

  “What?”

  Izzy was the first to laugh. “I didn’t know you knew any movie facts.”

  “Figures,” Amelia said. “It’s about a horse!”

  “Even if it is a really old movie!” Izzy continued as though Amelia hadn’t said a word.

  I loosened up a little at their teasing, but then Amelia got serious again. She lowered her voice. “I think you should tell him who you are.”

  “Maybe, but . . .”

  “I mean, don’t you think he’d want to know?” Amelia scooted her chair closer to the table. It grated on the floor. “It really is like a movie, Shay. If I were him, I’d—”

  “But you’re not,” I said, not intending to be mean, but that was the main problem with her idea. I did not have a clue what Mason King would think. And is it really fair to ambush him like that at a tour stop?

  “How do I even know he’d believe me?” I said, also lowering my voice. “There are probably a lot of girls who wish they were his daughter. Maybe he’s even had someone pretend before.”

  Izzy crunched into her pizza crust, chewing with her mouth open. “All you’d have to do is show him a picture of your mother.”

  And now I had one, thanks to Aunt Laura, though I didn’t know what Mason would think if he knew another man raised his child. I guess it depended on what sort of guy he really was.

  “He seems nice in his videos,” I said, trying to convince myself I had nothing to worry about.

  I walked home from school with a smile on my face. My friends had helped ease some of the anxiety I’d been feeling, school was done for the week, and tomorrow I had a date with destiny.

  My smile disappeared when I walked into the apartment and my aunt met me with crossed arms. I’d yet to see my aunt truly mad at me. I’d annoyed her when I didn’t always clean up after myself, but she’d never raised her voice or been short with me.

  When I saw her face, I knew something was wrong.

  “I got a call today,” she said, then paused, as if waiting for me to guess who it had been.

  “Um . . . okay.”

  “From the mother of one of your classmates.”

  “Which one?” I pictured Tessa’s mom and thought she and my aunt might actually get along.

  My aunt shook her head. “I’m doing the talking right now, Shay.”

  “But you just—”

  “It doesn’t matter who right now.” Aunt Laura’s jaw clenched “What happened on your shift two Saturdays ago?”

  For one second I had no clue what she was talking about, but then it clicked into place like a dead bolt.

  “I . . . did my shift,” I said.

  That isn’t a lie.

  My aunt stared me down.

  “Why are you asking?” I nearly squeaked.

  “Shay, I am expecting you to be honest with me.”

  I knew she deserved that. And I knew telling lies was not okay. No matter how justified I felt, Dad had taught me that if you couldn’t tell people the truth, then you weren’t someone they could trust. I wanted my aunt to trust me, but I didn’t know how to answer. It’s not like I’d been the one to steal from the bookstore.

  “Some girls from school came in,” I said, dropping my backpack on the floor by my feet.

  “Who?”

  “I only know two. Kelsey and Jade.”

  “How do you know them?”

  “They’re just . . . around.”

  My aunt took a step toward me, her arms still crossed. “Really? You’re really going to make me pry this out of you?”

  This? What does she know?

  I ran through the ramifications of telling her everything. She’d realize I had covered up the theft.

  “Come over here,” my aunt said, gesturing toward her laptop open on her desk.

  I obeyed.

  She woke the computer with a jiggle of the mouse, and I saw what looked like security camera footage on pause. Without a word, my aunt pushed play, and I saw myself appear on the screen with Jade, Kelsey, and the two other girls. There was no audio, but I didn’t need it. I knew exactly what happened, and
when I saw myself shove Kelsey and her nearly fall over, I felt sick to my stomach.

  “Mind telling me what that was about?”

  I started to respond, but my aunt kept going.

  “Because I am not liking what I’m seeing here.” Aunt Laura’s voice got a little louder. “And I am very disappointed I’m finding out about this now and that it wasn’t from you.”

  “She was stealing a book. And a key fob.”

  My aunt dropped down into her chair. “Are you kidding me?”

  “I was trying to stop her.”

  “By shoving her?”

  “She . . . touched me first.”

  Aunt Laura ran her fingers through her hair. Her dyed red streak had mostly faded. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve called the police.”

  “I paid for them myself.”

  “What?”

  “I didn’t want you to lose the money.”

  “So you were just going to let these girls—” my aunt jabbed her finger toward the computer screen—“get away with this?”

  Tears pushed into my eyes. “They threatened to tell the whole school.”

  Aunt Laura softened slightly at my show of emotion, but I could still see the questions in her eyes. She didn’t entirely believe me, and I guess I didn’t blame her.

  “Tell them what?”

  “Everything,” I said.

  My aunt played the clip one more time, but I couldn’t watch. I fell into the sofa, frantically trying to wipe away my tears. I hated to cry in front of people.

  “You should have told me,” Aunt Laura said.

  I nodded.

  “But I don’t care what they did!” My aunt slammed her laptop closed. “You of all people should know better. What am I going to say if this girl’s mother goes to the police?”

  “Can . . . she?”

  “What were you thinking?”

  That I am tired of being bullied? That I don’t care anymore? That the angry fire rages inside me, and I can’t control myself? None of those, save the first, will hold any water with my aunt.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “I hope so.”

  “Do you have any idea how much this could hurt you if they press charges?” Aunt Laura’s voice cracked, and I was shocked to see that her eyes looked wet too.

  I wanted to throw up.

  “I didn’t mean to,” I said. Matilda jumped on the sofa and tried to get my attention by rubbing up against my arm, but I couldn’t move to pet her. Stanley would’ve come and rested his head in my lap. Thinking about him was almost enough to breach the dam of my despair.

  My aunt was right. This could cost me so much more than I ever realized. Why didn’t I just let the girls walk out of the store and face whatever they decide to throw my way? It was easy to ask myself now, but I still didn’t know for sure whether I’d have any friends left if the whole world knew my history.

  “I believe you,” Aunt Laura said. “But we’re going to have to deal with this.”

  I walked like a zombie back to my room and leaned against the door, shutting it as I slid to the floor.

  Chapter 28

  THE POUNDING WOKE ME UP with a jolt. Matilda went flying off the bed. I sat straight up.

  “Shay, wake up, and unlock your door!”

  It was my aunt. I could barely see straight, and it was still dark outside. I climbed out of bed and realized I’d fallen asleep in my clothes. My hair probably looked like a bird’s nest.

  I shuffled over to my door and opened it. My aunt was raising her hand to knock again. She took in my wrinkled clothes and then glanced at her watch.

  “You need to hurry up. You’re going to be late.”

  Matilda moseyed from the room and curled herself around my aunt’s legs. Aunt Laura held a coffee cup and was still in her bathrobe, but she looked better than I felt.

  “Late to what?”

  “The clinic!”

  “But I thought . . .”

  “I said you could go, and I meant that.”

  “Really?”

  “Oh, and your friends are waiting for you.”

  “Wait . . . what?”

  “Shay!”

  I peeked down the short hallway and nearly did a double take when I spotted Amelia waving at me. Izzy and Tessa sat on the sofa but stood up when they saw me. I slowly walked over, still half asleep.

  “Did you forget?” Izzy asked. She was dressed in horse-themed leggings, her tall boots, and that TARDIS hoodie she loved.

  I stared at my friends, rubbing my eyes. I probably looked more like an opossum than a deer . . . caught in the headlights of a FedEx semi.

  “Guys, what are you doing here?”

  Amelia planted her hands on her hips. “Did you think we’d let you go alone?”

  I swung toward my aunt, who’d shuffled into the kitchen to refill her coffee cup. She shrugged. “Don’t look at me. It was their idea.”

  “I’m really still allowed to go?” I wanted to add, even after last night?

  “Text me when you’re there and when you leave.”

  “Claire’s waiting outside,” Izzy added.

  I couldn’t tell if my aunt was happy about this arrangement or not, but I decided I better not look this gift horse in the mouth. But I’d pictured going alone. That way I could really concentrate on Mason and what, if anything, I was going to say. If my friends came along, I doubted I’d get one moment of quiet.

  “We’ve got bagels in the truck,” Izzy said. “And I made brownies and chocolate chip cookies!”

  “And we’ll even make your tea if you hurry up and get dressed!” This came from Tessa, who actually knew where we kept it in the apartment and how much milk I liked in my cup.

  I still felt torn by their presence, but it wasn’t like they were offering me much of a choice, were they? I’d given up on the idea of attending last night when I cried my eyes out and landed in bed fully clothed. I’d even turned off my phone, so if my friends had texted me about this plan, I never got it.

  Ten minutes later I’d changed into clean clothes: my nicest Wranglers, a plaid shirt, and my favorite Ariat boots I’d cleaned and buffed with mink oil and waterproofing salve two days ago.

  “About time!” Amelia exclaimed as we said goodbye to my aunt and headed out the back door and down the steps. Tessa handed me my tea in a travel mug, and I smiled to myself. Last night had truly sucked, but with my friends by my side, I felt a renewed excitement over the whole idea of “meeting” Mason King. So maybe I wouldn’t have picked this scenario exactly, but it’s possible it’s actually what I needed.

  At least I tried to tell this to myself as we crammed into Claire’s truck. Izzy, Tessa, and Amelia were content sitting in the back, so I got the passenger seat beside Claire. Before we even left the parking lot, Izzy was handing out goodies.

  “Cookie or bagel?”

  “Uh . . .”

  “It’s not a major decision, Shay!”

  “Bagel?”

  “What kind?”

  I twisted in my seat. A grinning Izzy held up three bags from the local deli. “I didn’t know what you guys would want.”

  My mouth watered. “Plain or egg.”

  “Oh, my stars,” Izzy said.

  “What?”

  “How did I know you’d pick the most boring flavor?”

  I knew she was kidding, but for a moment I felt like she’d said I was boring.

  “Hey, you’re the one who bought those ‘boring’ flavors,” Tessa shot back with a laugh.

  She asked for the cinnamon raisin, and Amelia and Claire had a blueberry. All of them wanted the strawberry cream cheese spread, but I went for the tried and true original. Izzy seemed to know I’d pick that because she had peeled the lid back and stuck a plastic knife in the tub before I could ask.

  “Here you go, ladies,” she said, handing our prepared bagels up to Claire and me.

  “I’m so excited,” Amelia said after a minute of bagel munching.


  “And he’s not even your father,” Izzy added.

  Whoa. Rewind a little, friends. This was already weird for me, so having them remind me the entire time of Mason’s relationship to me wasn’t making things easy.

  “I’m trying to just go for the clinic,” I said.

  Claire gave me a quick glance before returning her gaze to the road. I wasn’t sure how much she knew about my situation, but I’m sure Izzy had told her something. She was a confident driver, but I was glad she was not allowing herself to be too distracted. Even as she ate her bagel, she kept both hands on the wheel in between bites.

  “Sure,” Izzy said, mouth full of bagel. “But you can’t help thinking about it.”

  Yep. Even if I wanted to pretend Mason was just another horse trainer, I knew the truth. I knew who he was. How in the world can I think of anything else?

  I let out an exasperated groan. “I’m so stressed.” I slipped down in my seat and filled my mouth with the chewy bagel. Izzy knew the way to my heart, that was for sure.

  “So,” Tessa said. “I’ve never been to anything like this. What’s it going to be like?”

  I told them I hadn’t actually attended one either, but I’d been to several rodeos, and I’d seen countless videos online of Mason King clinics as well as the clinics of other horse trainers. Some were small and intimate. Others were more like what I expected with Mason—a production. They brought semitrucks to hold all their equipment.

  “People sign up to have him work with their horses,” I said.

  “For free?” Izzy asked.

  “No, there’s some sort of cost.”

  “Speaking of . . .” Amelia said. “We’re paying for you.”

  I twisted around in my seat again. “No, you’re not.”

  Izzy was nodding her head. “Yes, we are, and you’re going to let us.”

  “But—”

  All three of them said my name at the same time.

  “You really don’t have to,” I said softly.

  “We want to,” Izzy said.

  Wow. It wasn’t as if the admission price was steep, but I’d had to scrounge for every dollar because I didn’t want to ask my aunt after Kelsey and Jade’s escapade had cleaned me out.