“No,” Brynn answered immediately, “I told you he’s jacking off a dolphin.”
Aaron couldn’t even begin to start with that information. He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and shook his head. “And why…is he jacking off a dolphin?”
Brynn bit back a laugh. “It’s their second date.”
“Brynn…”
“Alright, alright,” the mischievous teen gave in. “We’re learning about artificial insemination and his dumbass volunteered for this…hands-on activity. I’m just here for moral support.”
Aaron sighed. There goes his chance to talk to Arco about what to do with June. As much as his cousin was always there for him, Aaron wasn’t going to get him away from that dolphin. Water Mammalia was his cousin’s favorite.
“Something wrong?” Brynn asked, perhaps feeling the shift in his mood.
Aaron frowned at the dry grass between his crossed legs. He didn’t know Brynn very well, but the guy had seemed rather perceptive when they’d met. In fact, June and Brynn shared quite a few similar traits, such as snark and sarcasm. He might have a different outlook on things than Arco did, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It might actually be helpful.
“Kind of. Just, dumb relationship problems.”
Aaron wasn’t sure if he’d planned to tell Arco the tragedy of June having cancer or not, but Brynn was a lot closer to a stranger than a friend to him. There was no reason to mention it.
“Let me guess, June wants to be on top?” Brynn snickered.
“What? No!” Aaron gawked, mind flickering back to the bottle of lube and condoms in the nightstand of their bedroom. They were so far from sex right now it wasn’t even funny. And besides, when the time came, Aaron was sure June would prefer being on bottom. Why would Brynn assume that it would be him?
“It’s really not that bad, Buddy.” Brynn’s voice lifted a little. He sure was chipper today— a lot more confident than the serious boy Aaron remembered meeting in Ventura.
“That’s not my problem!”
“Alright, alright. Then what is the problem?”
Aaron scanned the area to make sure no one was close enough to hear him. Kids played with a beach ball in the field across from him, but they weren’t paying any attention. No one else was within earshot.
“I feel like I’m trying really hard for his attention…and I’m not getting anything in return,” Aaron mumbled. “I know he likes me, but he’s not showing it very much right now…I’m just worried. Things were going really well before.”
Brynn hummed on the other line, and in the background, he heard the faint whooping of his cousin—no doubt successful with his task. Aaron almost smiled; he would have if artificial insemination weren’t such a weird fucking thing to be excited about.
“If you think you’re trying too hard, dude, you probably are.”
Aaron grimaced. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but June doesn’t seem like the gooey, lovey-dovey type.” Brynn snorted. “Maybe he’s getting bored of all the attention?”
Aaron knew that wasn’t true, but without explaining the whole situation to Brynn, there wasn’t a way around his reasoning. Sure, June wasn't as romantic as Aaron, but he’d reciprocated his feelings wholeheartedly before. Right now, he was just scared. Or still guilty.
“I don’t think that’s what it is…”
“Trust me.” Brynn spoke as if he had all the answers at his fingertips. “Let him see you're not interested in chasing him around, and he will come running back to you.”
At first, Aaron thought that was a terrible idea. He’d already vowed to stand by June’s side through the rest of their summer. How could he tone it down now? June needed someone to be there for him, right? If Aaron were in his shoes, he’d want someone unashamed and willing to show their affection.
Although maybe…maybe Aaron was approaching this from the wrong angle. He vaguely remembered learning about the different types of love language in psychology; particularly when his teacher explained that you weren’t supposed to treat a partner how you wanted to be treated, you were supposed to treat them how they wanted to be treated. And if Aaron was so vastly different in personality than June, then maybe they had different styles of love language too?
He remembered June’s temper, wild and wicked as he chased Aaron through the cabin that first stormy night. The night they’d kissed. June had enjoyed that chase. Probably would never admit to it, but Aaron had seen it in his eyes when he came through the bedroom window. It had been chaotic, and just like Brynn said, Aaron had been running at the time.
“Maybe you’re right.” He ran a hand through his sweaty, thick hair. “I’m making it too easy.”
“Of course you are,” Brynn agreed. “But the good news is that as soon as you stop, it’s gonna drive June crazy.”
“Have you done this before?” Aaron asked, dropping the cellphone to wipe the moisture from the screen on his shirt and then lifting it back to his ear.
“Uh…no. Nope.” Brynn’s voice was playful like he was lying or telling some joke that went over Aaron’s head. “I’m just gay, and I can see that you’re treating June like a chick, when in fact, you should be treating him like another dude.”
“Isn’t that stereotyping?” Aaron pouted.
“Maybe. You tell me after it works, okay?”
He sighed. “Yeah, alright.”
“Anything else, lover boy?”
Aaron shook his head down at the grass. It was getting too hot to stay out here much longer, and June was bound to come looking for him soon. “Just tell Arco I said hi.”
“Sure,” Brynn agreed. “Good luck.”
June made it to the top of the hill and stared down at the ice cream shop parking lot in disdain. He’d just gotten out of the shower and hadn’t intended on getting sweaty walking this far today, but Aaron had vanished, and he wasn’t about to sit around waiting for him to return. He’d decided to see if Angie needed help in the shop; set his heart on scooping ice cream and listening to the radio station play awful pop music until he forgot all about what Aaron might have left to do.
The rational part of June’s brain hoped Aaron was okay, and nothing bad had happened, but being up in the mountains alone made it hard not to assume he’d just left to be an asshole. And staring down at the parking lot only further soured June's mood. Aaron’s shiny red convertible sat parked in the gravel, surrounded by several teenage girls who looked more like pink and purple bugs from this far away. In the center of their half-circle stood Aaron, leaning casually up against the driver’s door with no other indication he was enjoying their company, aside from the fact that he hadn’t gotten inside and left yet.
June was mad. He didn’t really know why. But he was mad.
Maybe it was because Aaron wasn’t typically the one who went gallivanting off without saying anything (that was June’s job). Or maybe it was because June had told him to stay away from those girls that day on the lake, and he obviously hadn't taken the warning seriously.
With a huff and a flicker of annoyance, June stepped into the brush and clambered onto a boulder—the same boulder he’d sat on only a few nights ago after the horrible truth of his cancer situation had come out.
June still didn’t know why Aaron was acting so normal over the whole thing. Sure, they’d gone out to breakfast and talked it over, but it hardly unraveled the ball of tension he felt. June understood how badly Aaron wanted to be with him; he just didn’t understand why. It didn’t make any sense. June had been unfair to him. June had been stubborn and selfish and immature, and several other things he couldn’t think of right now.
It was painful how much June wished Aaron would react differently than this. Aaron was a nice person with a heart of gold and June adored every bit of it. However, he was completely and utterly terrified of what might happen to him if he got in any deeper than he already was. He’d had years to wrap his mind around leaving his sister
s and his parents and even Angie, but the thought of leaving Aaron hurt him in a way he didn’t understand. It physically twisted him right in the gut and made him shiver. Unlike the numbness he’d grown accustomed to feeling regarding his death, he suddenly felt like he was burning alive.
June remembered the dream he had had of Aaron, blindfolded and surrounded by black water, and wondered if it reflected his impending doom. Tempting as it was to plunge in headfirst, June remained plagued by the insecurities of his mind.
Eventually, June watched Aaron break free of the group of girls and hurry to get out of the lot. Dust and dirt whirled up behind his wheels as he peeled out onto the asphalt and began climbing the other side of the hill. June set his mouth tight, watching the car approach him little by little until he was sure no one else could turn out in front of Aaron.
He slipped off the rock, stuck his hands casually into his pockets, and waltzed out into the middle of the road to wait. Whistled to himself innocently and tapped his foot as the humming of Aaron’s engine approached. Through the trees he watched a flash of red take the corner, first slowing and then powering into the turn.
June figured if Aaron hit him now then at least his death would be unexpected and ironic.
Instead, the car came to a loud, screeching and skidding halt; spitting pine needles all around them. June squinted his eyes shut and coughed once, but otherwise remained completely unphased. He set his hands on his hips and quirked an eyebrow at Aaron.
“June!” his face was pale with horror. “What the hell are you doing?!”
June patted the front of his car as he walked around to the passenger side. The metal was scorching hot under his fingers, and the smell of exhaust filled his nose.
“Well, I was going to start cooking back at the cabin, but then someone decided to run off, and I decided there was no point.” He opened the passenger side door and collapsed inside. His hair was already dry despite his shower. His face hot and sweaty.
“So, you stand in the middle of the street?” Aaron gaped at him, sunglasses falling down his nose to reveal the brilliant color of his eyes. “You’re insane!”
June shrugged. “I saw you coming. I knew you wouldn’t hit me.”
Aaron rolled his eyes and shook his head, very obviously still distraught as he eased his foot off the break and let them continue in motion.
“Please, don’t ever do that again.”
June grinned, kicked one leg up onto the dashboard and stretched his arms behind his head. It served Aaron right for talking to those bitches down at the docks and for leaving without even saying anything to him.
“Whatever. What were you doing?”
Aaron frowned, staring straight at the road and refusing to meet June’s gaze. He drove slowly now; much slower than he normally did.
“I just wanted to call Arco. So, I went to see if I could use Angie’s phone.”
That was…incredibly unsurprising. June assumed it was something along those lines, but that didn’t explain why Aaron would leave out of nowhere. He watched the boy as he drove, waiting to see if his expression would give something else away and finding that it absolutely didn’t. June sighed and crossed his arms.
“Could have waited for me.”
“Sorry.” Aaron didn’t sound very sorry at all. “I wanted to talk to him alone.”
Something was off. June blinked out the passenger window at the trees and the sunlight filtering through them. He tried to remember how Aaron had been behaving earlier this afternoon before June got in the shower. They’d been lounging around together in bed all day, avoiding the heat from underneath the ceiling fan. June had been sketching, and Aaron had been encouraging Quail to play with his fingers under the sheets.
Everything had felt normal. For the most part, at least. June thought it had.
But then again, since their trip to IHOP and June agreeing to let Aaron remain in this distorted relationship with him, the guy hadn’t even tried to kiss him. Which was strange, considering how much time they’d spent together doing relatively nothing. Even at night when Aaron had pulled June in close and threaded their fingers together, his lips had stayed cautiously away.
June’s stomach flopped like a fish inside of him. A heavy and awkward feeling of guilt rising but settling more in confusion than upset. Maybe Aaron was reacting to June’s dying? Maybe he was having mixed emotions over it and wasn’t sure how far he wanted to get into the water either. That would make sense; why he’d want to talk to Arco alone.
June didn’t like the idea of Arco knowing his secret, especially if he wasn’t the one to tell him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be angry at Aaron. Everyone needed their outlet, and if Arco were Aaron’s outlet, then he would have to live with it.
Suddenly June felt bad for his rash decisions and feelings. He shouldn’t expect Aaron to be at his beck and call all the time, let alone be mad at him for leaving the cabin with his own damn car. That was uncalled for. So was walking out in the middle of the street.
They pulled into the carport with silent and solemn air between them, exited the vehicle and made their way back into the cabin. June kicked his sandals off on the linoleum floor, and Aaron didn’t stop until he was in the back bedroom with the door shut.
June stood dumbfounded, blinking at the ground and the beige walls until he couldn’t stand it anymore. He tore open the fridge and started pulling out all the ingredients he could use to make something worthwhile.
Aaron liked his cooking. He’d be okay if June cooked something good tonight.
Turns out June was wrong. Because Aaron told him he wasn’t hungry for the first time in the history of them knowing each other and went to bed facing the opposite wall. Never once even turned to see if June wanted to cuddle.
June wasn’t sure what triggered the difference or how long it would last, but he could feel it in every bone of his body as the week stretched on. Aaron wasn’t exactly ignoring him, but he wasn’t doing anything to make June feel wanted or needed either. When they sat on the couch to watch T.V. together, Aaron stayed to one side, knees angled away, and attention averted. When they walked down to the ice cream shop to visit Angie in the evening, he sat across from June in the booth instead of next to him where their legs could press together. At night he wore shorts over his boxers and T-shirts no matter how hot the day was.
It was all subtle differences, but June weighed them like bricks piling up on his shoulders. He had no idea what Aaron thought or felt, and it made him downright manic. Made him want to push Aaron up against the wall and yell at him even though he had no words to describe why he was pissed off in the first place. Aaron hadn’t done anything mean or even standoffish toward him. He’d just stopped acting like himself. His smiles were a little duller. His conversation a little quieter. His heart a little less generous…
June knew he had to do something but decided to bide his time until he had more information. If Aaron were putting distance between them, then June would have to go about things differently than if he was simply mad at him. Until he found out which it was, or why it was happening at all, he couldn’t fight back with his usual haste and anger. He would have to use tact.
June and Aaron drove down to the tiny market on the other side of the lake to pick up eggs and milk some three or four days later. And while June joked in the passenger seat about their previous visit here and the condoms, Aaron merely smiled and shook his head. He had nothing to say about them apparently. He made no attempts to hold June’s hand like they used to either.
June walked the shelves of the store frustrated and alone, turning each corner to distance himself from Aaron while he racked his brain trying to reason with the way he felt.
Part of June wanted to continue this way because he knew it would curve the pain of leaving each other later. If they weren’t as close in general, then Aaron might be okay with him dying sooner. He might grieve a little easier and move on a little faster. And June could then breathe easy in whatever fake
afterlife he wound up in.
He wondered briefly if it would be easier this way for him too, and then thought better of it when he caught Aaron’s green eyes peering back at him between some boxes of rice. They were soft. Maybe a little sad too.
“What?” June’s brow pinched together.
“Nothing,” Aaron murmured. “I was just thinking.”
Thinking about what?
June didn’t have it in him to ask, no matter how curious he was. If Aaron wanted to talk to him, then he should open his mouth and do it. He was the one who was better with words, after all. He was the one that was supposed to fuel their more serious conversations.
June reached out to the nearest box of rice and moved it between them stubbornly, refusing to let Aaron see how conflicted he was. He sighed, walking the other direction toward the minuscule beauty section where he could pick out a new deodorant (he was getting low).
There had to be something June could do to turn things back in a more comfortable direction. One way or another, he couldn't keep going like this. Aaron making him unsure and nervous was the exact opposite of what he needed right now. He might as well go back to Portland if he was going to be this weird.
Somewhere beyond June’s hectic thoughts, through the aisles separating them and the confusion, he could hear Aaron singing softly along to Calling All Angels, and June was positive his heart was breaking.
He didn’t want to lose Aaron. As much as he hated to admit it, there had been truth to their conversation back in that IHOP. Stressed out as he was at the time, June realized now that Aaron was very brave to admit just how badly he wanted to be together. It was easier to pretend these kinds of emotions didn’t exist, especially given the circumstances, but the fact that Aaron was willing to cherish what little time they had cut June down to size.
He wasn’t that mature, nor wholesome. No. Instead, he was proud and stupid and had little grasp of what he wanted versus what he needed. Those things blended in a fuzzy, heavy haze and threatened to suffocate him.
The Maple Effect Page 33