Hold the Forevers

by K. A. Linde

  I still hovered at the edge. Close to the brink but not there yet. But I was too young, too embarrassed to ask for it.

  Ash finally stopped. He pulled out of me, and I winced.

  “Oh, Lila, are you okay?” he asked, suddenly worried.

  “Just a little sore.”

  “I think that’s normal.”

  I nodded as he removed the condom and tossed it in a trash can. I got up to use the bathroom. There was a little bit of blood but nothing like what Josie had said for her first time. That was good at least. I cleaned up and then came out to find him lounging back on the bed. He patted the space next to him.

  I climbed into his arms, resting my head against his shoulder. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” He ran his hand up and down my arm. “Was it good? Everything you expected?”

  “Everything and more.” I looked up into his bright blue eyes. “I’m glad we didn’t wait.”

  “Me too.”

  10

  Duke

  September 12, 2008

  “One more time through, and then that’s a wrap. Here we go. Five, six, seven, eight,” I called out.

  The dancers moved into formation just as the music came through the speakers inside the studio. Marley was on the Duke dance team and had gotten me to come in for a weekend to teach a sideline routine for the semester. I loved the energy in choreographing. Plus, it was this amazing opportunity to work with new dancers and to see my best friend for the weekend.

  “Yes!” I cried as they executed the lift perfectly for the first time all rehearsal.

  I jumped in for the end, hitting the calypso at the crest and spinning out of it before moving straight into the final turn section. We all ended in a panting mess. A victory if I’d ever heard of one.

  “Thanks, Lila,” Hilary said as we all packed up our bags. “We were so glad when Marley suggested bringing you in. This is going to kill on the field this year.”

  “I can’t wait to see videos!”

  Marley guzzled from her water bottle as we headed out of Wilson Recreational Center and out into the fall North Carolina weather. The trees were turning colors, and the walk on campus was stunning. Georgia was all 1700s red brick everywhere you looked, but Duke was more like a gray-slate castle. Especially with the enormous chapel at the heart of it. Made me think more of being home in Savannah.

  “You killed it,” Marley said.

  “It was so much fun, choreographing. I get some of that at Georgia but not like this.”

  This was pretty much the best way I could think of kicking off our sophomore year of college. I’d moved into an apartment with Channing, and then promptly driven up to Durham to see my best friend for a dance weekend. Just like old times.

  I fished out my phone and saw a text from Cole.

  We made a mistake. I should have come with you this weekend.

  I laughed and typed back.

  You have an away game. They need you on the field. #godawgs

  Still.

  It’s three days.

  You were gone all summer.

  You visited four times in three months, and I came to Atlanta twice!

  And?

  And I’ll be back in three days.

  Don’t have too much fun without me.

  Win a football game for me today.

  “Earth to Lila,” Marley said. She waved a hand in front of my face.

  “Sorry. Cole was texting me.”

  “Obviously. But … I actually have some exciting news. I meant to tell you last night when you drove in, and, well …”

  “Spit it out, Mars.”

  “I have a boyfriend!”

  “Oh my God!” I jumped up and down for her. “Who is he? How did you meet? Give me all the info.”

  “Well, his name is Samar. We met in Chemistry, and he asked me out last week. He’s so cute and sweet and ugh! I’m so happy.”

  “Excuse me.” I jerked her to a stop before the chapel. “You have been dating for a week, and I never got a phone call?”

  “I knew you were coming up, and I wasn’t sure if it was anything, but he’s coming to the party tonight. I thought I could introduce you there. I didn’t get to meet Cole for a whole month!”

  “Fine, fine.” I waved her away. “I’m glad you’re happy, and I can’t wait to meet him.”

  Marley prattled on about the inimitable Samar, who I truly was dying to meet. Mars had never been a big dater in high school. She had been too smart for all the high school boys. It was good to see her finding someone of her intellectual equal here at Duke.

  To my utter shock, Marley had rushed a sorority. They were different at Duke than at Georgia, but still, she was the last person I’d expected to do that. So, we headed back to her sorority house to grab dinner and then go to a house party. After we changed, one of Marley’s sorority sisters dropped us off outside of a house just off of campus. It was already slammed with people.

  “You said most people lived on campus.”

  “They do. Mostly just fourth years live off campus,” Marley said as she took my hand and pulled me inside.

  We went straight for the keg on the back patio and procured beers. We dipped back into the living room, and I danced to the music blasting from speakers. Marley went in search of Samar. I nodded at her, waving her away. I could handle myself at a party. I finished off my beer quickly, wanting to hit my buzz. After another ten minutes when Mars hadn’t returned, I gave up and went to get another drink.

  I barely took a step when a figure materialized out of my past.

  I froze. He froze.

  “Lila?” Ash said over the music.

  I opened my mouth and then closed it. I hadn’t seen Ash Talmadge since high school graduation more than a year earlier. Part of me wished that I could say he had no effect on me. That I shrugged him off and went back to the party. But that would be a lie.

  Ash Talmadge was my first love. My first everything. My heart stuttered at the sight of him. Dressed all preppy with that look of shock on his too-gorgeous face. The brown hair that he’d shorn shorter than normal and the chiseled jaw with a hint of stubble growing in. He was my Ash. And yet … he wasn’t … couldn’t be anymore.

  I stepped backward.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  I’d known he’d be here. At Duke, of course. It was his only option. I’d thought about the fact that he would be here when I visited Marley, but she’d assured me it was a big campus. The likelihood of running into him was low. But there were no coincidences between me and Ash.

  “I’m here for Marley.”

  He held his hand to his ear and shrugged to show he couldn’t hear me. Then he nodded his head toward outside. I wasn’t going to go. I definitely, absolutely wasn’t going to go, but my feet followed him anyway.

  We stepped out into the relative quiet of the backyard after the cacophony of the party. My ears were ringing.

  “Hey,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Lila Greer at Duke. Who would have guessed?”

  “I’m visiting Marley.”

  “That makes sense.”

  “I choreographed a sideline routine for the dance team.”

  I didn’t know why I was still talking. There was no reason to still be talking.

  “So talented.”

  I gritted my teeth and looked away. “I didn’t think I’d run into you.”

  “I can tell that.” He stepped back into my line of sight. “I tried to see you this summer when we were both home.”

  “I got your messages.”

  “And you’re still mad at me?”

  “Should I not be mad at you?”

  He frowned. “No, that’s fair.”

  “Marley is probably looking for me.”

  “I saw you were dating someone,” Ash said before I could traipse off.

  “So?” I challenged.

  “Y’all were down at the riverfront this summer.”

  I
startled at his words. “Were you spying on me?”

  He laughed, and something warm settled in my stomach at the sound. I’d always loved his laugh. The way it vibrated through me.

  “Savannah is a small place; you know that. I was running an errand for my dad. You didn’t see me.”

  “Still working for daddy, I see.”

  He clenched his jaw. “I don’t want to argue with you, Lila.”

  “Too late,” I said, turning to stride back inside, but he grabbed my elbow to stop me.

  “Hey, I don’t want things to be like this with us. I know that I fucked up, okay? But you’re the only person who ever knew me. Please, Dee,” he said softly, “I don’t want to lose you forever.”

  “You don’t get to call me Dee. Only my mom does.”

  “I know,” he said carefully. “Because of course, I know that. I know everything about you.”

  I yanked my arm out of his grasp. “Not everything.”

  “Can’t we still be friends?”

  I didn’t have an answer to that. My heart was inextricably linked to Ash. I didn’t know how to disentangle how I felt about him from the friendship he claimed to want. We’d never just been friends. We’d never just be friends.

  But a part of me wanted it. I wanted to let go of this hate. I wanted things to be normal again. It took effort to hate him when I’d once loved him so much.

  “Please,” he added desperately.

  “Maybe.” I sighed. “Maybe we can be friends.”

  He smiled so bright that it was blinding. And as much as I wanted normal with him, I wasn’t sure it would ever happen.

  “There you are!”

  I expected to find Marley, but instead, it was a tall redhead with a spattering of freckles across her pale skin.

  “Babe!” she said, drawing out the name. “I didn’t know where you went.”

  Then this gorgeous girl in a skintight green dress walked straight up to Ash Talmadge and kissed him on the lips.

  I retreated a step in horror. We might have agreed to be friends, but I didn’t know how to handle this.

  He smiled down at her and slipped an arm around her waist. As if he hadn’t just been pursuing me. Or maybe I’d been wrong. And his pursuit had really been in the name of friendship. Since, clearly, he was dating someone else.

  “Charlie, this is my friend Lila,” he told the woman. “Lila, my girlfriend, Charlie.”

  “Charlotte,” she said as she extended her hand. “But all my friends call me Charlie.”

  “Delilah, but my friends call me Lila.”

  “I love it! What’s your major here? I’ve never seen you around.”

  “Oh no, I don’t go to Duke.”

  “Lila is here from out of town,” Ash said. “She goes to UGA and studies exercise and sports science. She wants to be a PT.”

  I tried not to glare at him for spouting out all my dreams to this person. Or maybe it was just that he remembered all of my dreams so easily.

  “Georgia!” Charlie cried. “That’s so cool. What are you doing here?”

  “Visiting a friend and choreographing for the dance team.”

  “Wow! Smart and talented. How do you and Ash know each other?”

  Ash and I looked at each other. For a split second, we were back in high school, and I remembered the way he’d held me as if the world would stop turning for us and we’d be forever. Then it shattered.

  “Lila and I went to high school together.”

  “Small world,” Charlie said. She smacked Ash on the chest. “Wait, why didn’t you tell me you had another friend at Georgia? We’ve been looking for hotels all month to go to the Georgia–Alabama game.”

  “Really?” I whispered.

  “Yes! You don’t happen to have a couch we could crash on, do you?” Charlie touched my shoulder like we were suddenly besties.

  “Uh …”

  Ash’s face was blank. Completely blank.

  What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?

  “I’m from Birmingham, and I’d die to go to this game. I know we just met and all, but you seem really cool,” Charlie continued. “We’ll be quiet as a mouse. You won’t even know we’re there.”

  I highly doubted that.

  “Sure,” I said finally. I caught Ash’s surprised gaze. “I’ll probably be spending the night with my boyfriend anyway.”

  His eyes hardened. “That’s nice of you, Lila.”

  “You are my new best friend!” Charlie said enthusiastically. “Allow me to make this huge favor up to you by showing you where the hidden liquor is at this place.”

  Charlie linked our elbows together and directed me back toward the house. I only looked back once to catch Ash’s eye. I might be standing with his new girlfriend, but one thing was perfectly clear: he wasn’t over me.

  11

  Athens

  September 15, 2008

  “Are you sure this is a good idea?” Marley asked me over the phone. It had to have been at least the twentieth time since she’d found out about Ash. Her face at the party when she’d seen us together should be painted and hung in museums.

  “No, I’m not sure.”

  “And you’re going to tell Cole?”

  “Yes, I’m planning to run it by him today actually.” I put her on speaker as I tugged a dress on over my head and slid on a pair of wedges. “He’s picking me up any minute.”

  “He’s not going to like this.”

  “He doesn’t know anything about Ash.”

  Marley made a small sound of protest. “For one, Lila, he should know about what happened with Ash. And for two—”

  “It’s going to be fine,” I insisted. I picked the phone back up and took it off speaker. “I swear, I’m only doing this for Charlie.”

  “Not to get back at Ash?”

  “Of course not.”

  Marley sighed. “Fine. But I was there, remember? I don’t want to see you like that again.”

  “I remember. I love you.”

  “Make good choices.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I joked and then hung up.

  I finished off my hair and makeup and went downstairs to the first floor of my new apartment. “Hey!”

  Cole stood at the front door. We’d exchanged keys at the start of the semester, which felt like a big step. One that I reveled in. He was dressed to impress, changing out of his everyday athletic attire into khakis, a blue button-up, and dress shoes. He carried a bouquet of bright yellow perennial sunflowers in his hands. The head of the flower was so much smaller than what most people usually thought of when a sunflower popped into their head. They were almost more daisy-like. And also my favorite flower.

  “Oh my God! These are my fav. How did you even know?”

  He grinned. “I might have had help.”

  “Well, stop it! It’s too much.”

  I took the bouquet and drew in the sweet scent. I loved that these flowers bloomed for literal weeks. My mom had planted them in our garden when I was a kid, and I’d gotten to watch them grow year after year.

  “They’re perfect. Let me put them in water.”

  He followed me into the kitchen as I pulled down a vase. I filled it with water as I braced myself for the next conversation. Once I put the flowers in the water, I faced him. “So, I need to talk to you.”

  He arched his eyebrows. “That sounds ominous.”

  “It’s not!” I assured him quickly. “Promise. It’s just, this weekend when I was at Duke with Mars, I ran into my ex-boyfriend, Ash.”

  “Okay?” Cole stilled, his face contemplative and cautious.

  “His girlfriend wanted to come up to Georgia for the game this weekend and asked if she could crash at my apartment. I guess everything is already booked.”

  “It’s Bama. That makes sense.”

  “Yeah. So, I told her it was fine if they crashed here. Is that fine with you?”

  Cole wrapped his arms around my waist and tugged me close. “I don’t know. Should I be
concerned?”

  “Definitely not.” I stood tall on my tiptoes and kissed his lips.

  “Well, good. If there’s nothing going on between you and your ex and he’s showing up with his new girlfriend, then it’s not a big deal. It’s not like you’re still into him.”

  I chewed my lip. Right. I wasn’t still into him. “I wanted to run it by you first.”

  “I trust you,” he told me, lacing our fingers together. Music to my ears and also terrible nerves erupted in my stomach to be given the trust so easily, knowing how complicated things were with Ash. “Now, let’s go. My friend is only going to wait so long.”

  I released a breath. I needed to let it all go. This wasn’t the same as before. I’d been worrying all weekend about Cole’s reaction, but it had been fine. It was fine.

  “Okay. Remind me again what we’re doing,” I said once we were in his Jeep, heading out of town.

  “A friend of mine is a photographer. She needed some models to take pictures for this idea she had. I kind of volunteered us.”

  “All right. Not a problem. Do you know what the aesthetic is?”

  He grinned like he was keeping a secret. Something I’d realized was that he desperately loved to surprise me. The flowers were one in a long litany of surprises that he’d planned and executed.

  “You’ll see,” was his only response.

  And I did see.

  I nearly shrieked with delight when he parked his Jeep next to his friend’s Ford truck. The aesthetic his friend was going for was sunflowers. The perennial sunflowers he’d given me earlier was actually my clue. God, I loved him.

  I jumped out of the Jeep and stared in wide-eyed wonder. The field before us was completely covered in the yellow blooms. Bright and bursting with life, like I could run for miles through the field of my favorite flowers.