by K. A. Linde
He withdrew slowly, and I thought I was going to collapse. But then he drove forward. I clutched at his shoulders, bringing him down for a kiss.
“More,” I begged.
And he obliged.
I wrapped my legs around his hips, using the leverage to meet his every thrust. A thin layer of sweat coated our bodies as we ramped up. But I couldn’t even care; I was so close. Ready to tip over the edge.
“Please,” I said.
“Fuck.”
Then he bottomed out inside of me. I gasped and hit the ceiling. Everything felt fuzzy and distant as my body pulsed all around him at the same time that he came hard and fast.
I collapsed backward on the couch. My brain was slow on the uptake. I felt foggy and disoriented. As if I were in a euphoria cloud.
Cole leaned his forehead against my shoulder. His chest was still rising and falling heavily with the exertion. “God, you’re amazing.”
I kissed his shoulder. “You’re pretty amazing yourself.”
“Was this your idea all along?” he asked, trailing kisses across my collarbone.
“Yes, I’m so sneaky.”
He chuckled, pulling back to kiss my swollen lips. “You cast a spell on me.”
“Someone else must have done the casting because I’m equally under your thrall.”
“A love spell,” he agreed.
“Or maybe,” I said gently, “you can’t resist me.”
“That is a fact.” He rubbed his nose against mine once. “You’ve always been addicting.”
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“I keep needing a bigger hit. I never want to let you go. And when I’m without you, I go through withdrawals.”
“When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad.”
He sighed and finally pulled back. “Except that I’m still in San Francisco and you’re still here.”
“When do you go back?” I hated the question as soon as it left my mouth.
“Tomorrow.”
I flinched.
It was the obvious answer. Of course he had to go home tomorrow. He had a job and a life in San Francisco. And I had a job and a life here.
Cole headed to the bathroom. I used Josie’s to clean up and change into sweats. Then I put in an order for Thai. I already knew Cole’s order. We used to order Thai every Friday night for almost a year while we’d dated in college. The memory panged the way it always did when I thought about him and the impossibility of us.
Cole appeared a few minutes later, back in his clothes. He dropped onto the couch next to me, slinging an arm around my shoulders and bringing me in close.
“I have an idea,” I said. “What if you didn’t go back?”
He chuckled softly and kissed my hair. “I have to.”
“I know,” I said with a resigned sigh. Then, another thought hit me. “Okay, what about … what about if I went to PT school there?”
Cole pulled back to look at me. His face a mask of skepticism. “You’d do that?”
I bit my lip and nodded. “I mean, I could apply. I’m applying right now to all the Georgia schools. My number one has been Emory, but UC-San Francisco has a good PT program.”
His face was completely blank. I had no idea what he was thinking.
“Say something,” I begged.
“You’d move to San Francisco for me?”
“I don’t know,” I said, suddenly unsure if I’d overstepped. “I just … I don’t have to go to PT school here.”
“That would be amazing,” he finally said.
I broke into a smile. “Yeah?”
“Yes. Absolutely. I want nothing more than for you to come to San Francisco.”
I swallowed back the rise of emotions. This was what I wanted too. So bad.
“Well, I still have to get in.”
“I have every faith in you.”
He kissed the top of my head and let the subject drop as our food arrived. It wasn’t a guarantee that we’d work out, but it was a kernel of hope. A kernel that I hadn’t had in a long time. I held on to it for dear life, and the next day, I set to work on the PT applications I’d been ignoring since graduation.
22
Savannah
April 8, 2012
My mom liked for all of us girls to come home for Easter Sunday. Even though none of us had been raised Catholic and I was the only one who had gone to a Catholic private school, she insisted on mass for Easter.
So, I’d driven down to Savannah for the weekend. I sat with Mom as we went through the pile of PT school acceptance letters. I’d gotten in everywhere, except my two biggest reach schools. I could go to Emory and stay in Atlanta. I’d still get to cheer for the Falcons on the weekends and only be four hours from my mom. Or go to the University of California, San Francisco and try something new. Move a thousand miles away to a place I’d never even been, let alone lived. All for the hope that things with Cole would work out again. Maybe I could even audition for 49ers cheer. Anything was possible right now. I hadn’t felt this light in ages.
My mom was excited that I’d gotten my spark back. I’d been floundering for too long, and I felt more like me again. I had to make my final decision.
“You remember that girl that you went to school with, Amanda Rochester?” my mom asked as mass finally finished and we rose to our feet to stretch.
“Uh, no?”
“She was the blonde. I think she was in your Chemistry class junior year.”
“Hmm … maybe?”
“Well, she married Destin Holloway. Do you remember him? Such a nice young man.”
“Nope.”
“Anyway, they had their second baby. She’s such a cutie.”
My mom did this. She liked to regale us all with people that we might have casually known as an adolescent and then talk about them as if we were all still friends. If Amanda had been in my Chemistry class, I had no real recollection of who she was now. But my mom had been working at St. Catherine’s since I was a sophomore and now actually knew everyone. I was glad that she was full-time at the school and didn’t need a second job anymore.
We filtered out in the aisle, and I scanned the cathedral seating. It was packed for Easter. I hoped that the sheer size of the place gave us some anonymity. Because though I never knew the people my mom was talking about, I did know people here in Savannah. Especially a certain someone who would likely be here for Easter mass with his parents.
Running into Ash Talmadge was low on my priority list. Really low.
I hadn’t seen him since we’d slept together that night on Frat Beach. I’d been furious with Ash and not returned a single message since. Not that it stopped him from sending them. I still occasionally received messages from him that I should have deleted but hadn’t.
We’d almost made it out of the church and onto safer ground. I could see the exit in front of me like a beacon. Then my mom was stopped by an elderly couple a few feet from the welcoming double doors, and my sisters broke off into clusters to talk to friends.
“Mom, I’m going to step outside,” I told her.
“Of course, honey.”
She’d be at this for a while.
I took two steps outside and breathed in the air of safety when I heard a voice behind me. My eyes closed, and I sighed. Should have known better.
Ash stood in front of the church. He looked so … Ash. A crisp black suit, pressed white button-up, blue seersucker bow tie. He’d definitely tied the thing himself. His blue eyes swept my body, taking in my toned legs, the flirty skirt of my pink sundress, and then the intensity of my eyes. My body wanted to take a step toward him. I wanted it. I always had. But I remained rooted in place.
“Hi,” I said.
“You’re in Savannah.”
“Obviously.”
“Just for the holiday?”
I nodded. “My mom is helping me decide on where to go for PT school.”
“That’s incredible, Lila. I know you’ve always wanted that.”
“I have to go.”
Being around him hurt. Here we were, in the same city we’d been five years ago when he shattered my heart. And it could have been so easy with him. It could have been my whole world. Some days, I thought that I was over all the pain we’d caused each other, that maybe we could even be friends. Actual friends. Then, I would get one glimpse of those blue eyes, and I knew the truth.
“Wait,” he said, grasping my elbow.
“Ash.”
“You never responded to any of my messages.”
“Shouldn’t that be a hint?”
“I don’t want you to hate me forever.”
I bit my pale pink lip. “I don’t hate you.”
He scoffed.
“I don’t,” I insisted. “Hate is too one-dimensional. We’re complicated.”
“We don’t have to be.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Okay, Ash. I’m going to go.”
“It was good seeing you.”
And despite fucking everything, it was good to see him.
I whipped around, prepared to ask him why he always fucking did this to me, but then a petite brunette traipsed out of the cathedral and ran right up to him. My eyes widened to saucers as she threw her arms around him and pressed a kiss to his lips.
“There you are!”
Ash drew her in close. He smiled down at her. A real smile. An Ash smile. Something panged in my chest. I’d never seen him look at someone else like that. Even when he’d been dating that girl in college—whatever her name was—it had seemed like temporary bliss. Something about this girl was different. The perfect cookie-cutter Easter Sunday dress. The fact that she was even here with him. Which meant … she was here with his parents too.
I took another step back. I should have run. No need to make this more difficult for either of us.
“Who’s your friend?” she asked.
Ash’s gaze shifted back to mine. “This is Lila.”
“Oh!” the girl said. Her eyes skittered back to Ash in question.
So, this girl knew who I was. Peachy.
God, it was so like Ash to do this. To pursue me here like this when he had his girlfriend inside. He couldn’t ever just be alone.
“This is Heather,” Ash said to me.
I nodded. “Cool. Nice meeting you.”
“Um … nice to meet you too,” Heather said uncertainly.
It was so uncomfortable that there wasn’t another real answer.
“Have a nice Easter,” I told her, and then without looking at Ash, I strode down the steps and rushed to my mom’s car. I waited for her there without looking up. Just played some stupid game on my phone.
A text came in while I was still waiting.
Sorry that was awkward. I’d planned to tell you about Heather.
I hadn’t responded in over a year. It was a record.
I was about to break it.
Go back to your girlfriend.
It’s not like that.
What the hell did that mean? Why was he so maddeningly cryptic?
Like I said, we’re complicated.
At least you’re responding again.
I growled and almost flung my phone. The man was infuriating.
My mom returned then, and I stuffed the phone in my bag without responding. We went back to our house, but my sisters had to go home. They promised to be back for dinner with their families. Our house couldn’t accommodate everyone anymore, but my mom still hosted.
“Dee,” my mom said once we were back inside.
I checked my phone once more and saw three more texts from Ash. He had been right. The mistake had been in responding.
“Yeah?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“What’s up?”
I settled into the lumpy chair that was my favorite in the house and yawned.
“Well, I have some news.”
My mom looked nervous. My mom never looked nervous.
“What kind of news?” I straightened in my chair.
“I don’t know how to tell you this. So, I’m just going to say it. My kidney is rejecting.”
My jaw dropped, and my vision went blurry. “What?”
“We knew this day would come,” she said with all her practiced calm. “I had the kidney transplant right after you were born. Most transplanted kidneys only last twelve to twenty years from a live donor.”
And I was twenty-two. She’d gotten more use out of it than they’d expected. But I still hadn’t thought about it. Of course my mom took anti-rejection medication every day and would for the rest of her life. We’d all hoped the medicine would do its job forever. That wasn’t realistic.
“Yeah, we knew that, but I didn’t know it would be now.”
“Me neither.”
“What does this mean, going forward?”
I suddenly saw the weight my mom had been holding since I got here. She hadn’t told me until now, right before I was going to leave. Everyone else must already know.
“It means that I’m back on the donor list.”
My vision went black. “But … you might never find a match! How long do you have?”
“I have enough time to be on the list.”
“Well, I’ll go get tested.”
My mom reached out and took my hand. “No, I could never ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking. I’m telling you.”
She shook her head. “A parent should never have to take something like that from their child. You have a long life ahead of you.”
“You’re only in your fifties,” I argued. “You still have a full life ahead of you. Don’t talk like that.”
“That’s what the list is for, Dee.”
“But isn’t it likely that one of us is a donor? Have Steph and Eve and Elle gotten tested?”
“I told them not to.”
I jumped to my feet. “And since when have they ever listened?”
“Dee, please, it’s a lot to take in right now. I know it’s upsetting, but we can get through this together.”
“And you?” I asked, my voice catching. Tears coming to my eyes. “What’s it going to be like for you while you wait?”
My mom’s jaw set. “I can live a normal life. It’s going to depend on how long the transplant takes. I’ll have more appointments, dialysis.”
“Oh God,” I whispered. I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. “Mom …”
“I know, honey. But it’s going to be okay.”
And she sounded so calm.
Like it really was all going to be okay.
The news was too fresh for me. She must have found out weeks ago to already be on the transplant list. She had waited to tell me in person. And now, it all hurt too much.
I pulled her into a hug. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too.”
“I just … I need to process this.”
“I understand. Your sisters needed time too.” She stroked a hand down my hair. “I’m going to start making Easter dinner. Maybe you should call your sisters and talk to them about this. It’ll help you.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Maybe.”
I watched her walk away with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to be there for my mom. I couldn’t let her deal with this alone. But she seemed determined to appear as if everything were fine. I knew it couldn’t possibly be.
I snatched my purse and keys off of the front table and headed out to my car. I skipped a text and called Ash before I could stop myself.
“Hey. This is a surprise,” he said easily.
“Can you meet me at the park?”
“Uh …”
“Please, Ash,” I said, my voice breaking.
He was silent before answering, “Yeah, give me a few minutes.”
“Thank you.”
I hung up and drove straight to Forsyth Park. It was busy for Easter Sunday, but I found a parking spot nearby. I hadn’t changed out of my heels and was re
gretting it as I crossed the cobbled streets and into the park. I walked the Spanish moss–lined walkway to the fountain and took a seat at the base while I waited.
It was another twenty minutes before Ash Talmadge walked to the fountain. His gaze was set on mine, and his stride quickened. “Hey, is everything okay?”
“No,” I said. “I didn’t know if you’d be able to get away.”
“Well, no one was happy about it, least of all Heather, but you sounded upset.”
“You told her you were coming to see me?”
He nodded. “I told her it was an emergency.”
“I bet she didn’t like that. I’m sorry.”
He took a seat next to me by the fountain. “What happened?”
“So, you know how my mom had a kidney transplant after I was born?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, it’s rejecting, and she’s back on the transplant list.”
“Fuck,” he whispered.
“I know.”
“Lila, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.”
“She’s okay for now,” I told him. “But it’s going to get worse, and she doesn’t want any of us girls to get tested to see if we’re a match. She said she can’t take an organ from a kid or whatever.”
“That sounds like your mom.”
“I know,” I said, and then I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I burst into tears. I didn’t want my mom to die. I didn’t want her to wait forever on a transplant list with no hope. I couldn’t be away from her while she was going through this.
Ash didn’t say anything at all; he just pulled me into his arms and held me there. Let me cry on his expensive suit without a word. He ran a hand through my hair as I let it all out.
I sniffled and swiped a hand under my eyes. “I know this sounds so selfish, but now, I have no idea what to do about PT school.”
“That doesn’t sound selfish, Lila.”
“But why am I even thinking about myself right now?”
“Because you love your mom, and now, you’re reconsidering your life.”
“Yeah,” I whispered. I debated telling him the truth. I could have held it back and not let him know, but he was telling Heather everything. Actually, he was dating Heather. So, why should he care about what I was going to say? “I was going to move to San Francisco.”