Hold the Forevers

by K. A. Linde

  Ash’s grip tightened. His hands shook my body with his own fury.

  “Stop,” I pleaded. “Let me go.”

  He released me with more force than I’d expected, and I was pushed off-balance, stumbling into his desk. I caught myself hard against the hip. Another inexplicable bruise.

  “Tell me everything. Tell me how it happened.”

  “You don’t want to know.”

  He glared at me. “Tell me,” he commanded with all the deathly calm of a man used to being in charge. It was the voice I’d heard his dad use. It made me freeze.

  “It will just hurt you.”

  “I can’t possibly hurt any more than I do right now.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry isn’t good enough!” he yelled. “I need to know. I need to know everything. I have to understand why you’d do this. Did he force you? Did you ask for it? Did you come? How many times?”

  “Stop, stop, stop,” I cried. Tears streaked my cheeks. I couldn’t stomach this. I couldn’t do it.

  “Just tell me why!” he cried.

  “I don’t know,” I gasped out. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”

  “You know. You won’t tell me. You’re still protecting yourself.”

  “Please, I don’t know.”

  Ash shook his head, disgusted. “Tell me the truth, Lila. I deserve that much.”

  I swiped at the tears on my cheeks and tried to control my body trembling. But it was impossible.

  “I don’t know,” I shouted, at the end of my rope. “I couldn’t say no to him.”

  Ash staggered back a step. As if that were the worst possible thing I could have said. It was the exact answer he’d given me when we slept together after Cole dumped me in college. He’d said that he would never say no to me. And now, the words were a slap in the face.

  “You couldn’t say no,” he said, all lethal calm.

  “I’m still in love with him.”

  Ash’s jaw set. He looked like I’d punched him. “You still love him?”

  “I love you too.”

  “You can’t love us both.”

  “I know! I know I’m not supposed to, but I do. And I don’t know how to stop.”

  Every word landed like a blow. I kept expecting him to throw me out. To tell me to get the fuck out of his house and he never wanted to see me again. That I’d done the unforgivable. That I should be alone and miserable.

  But he didn’t say any of those things.

  He stared at me, as if I’d reached my hand through his chest and wrenched out his heart.

  “You’re never going to see him again,” he said finally.

  “I know.”

  “No, Lila, you’re never going to see him again.”

  “I didn’t plan to see him this time.”

  Ash glanced around his office, looking at everything but me. Until finally, his cool blue gaze found mine. “You love me?”

  I nodded. “Yes. So much.”

  “Then you’ll never see him again. We’ll cut him out of our lives, like severing an appendage where only the ghost of the pain remains.” Ash stepped forward and pulled me against him. I went in willingly but in shock. I’d never thought he’d touch me again. “And then you’ll be mine, just mine.”

  “Ash,” I whispered.

  I was so confused. How could he want me at all after this? How could he be saying these words?

  “I love you, Lila. You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted. I’m not going to let him take you from me.”

  “What are you saying?” I asked, looking up at him through my tears. “I thought you’d hate me.”

  “I’m furious. I want to kill him. But I don’t want to lose you either.”

  “You can’t possibly forgive me.”

  “No,” he agreed. “No, I don’t, but we can get through this.”

  My heart panged at the words. I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe that we could move on. That what had happened could be put behind us. That we’d have a rough few months, and then we’d move on and be happy. That I could love Ash forever and never see or think about Cole again.

  But that thought left me breathless and nauseated. It was impossible. Impossible to think that I would move on from Cole. It had been years, and my heart still beat for him. It still knew him as mine.

  And worse, I knew that Ash forgiving and forgetting was just as impossible. It would be torture. An earned torture but one nonetheless. One that neither of us should have to endure. We shouldn’t have to feel this pain and see each other every day as we went through it. It would never heal. It would be a scab that we kept picking at, festering with the anger and betrayal.

  “No,” I whispered.

  Ash frowned. “No?”

  “I can’t do this.”

  “Lila?”

  I stepped away from him. “I can’t stay here. I hurt you. I betrayed you. It’d be so easy to try to pretend that it hadn’t happened and forget about Cole. But we can’t pretend, Ash. The pain will spread like an infection, and we can’t treat it by staying together and hoping for the best.”

  “I know that I’m mad now, Lila, but we’ll work this out,” he said. Fear crept into his voice, as if he was realizing for the first time that this might really be the end.

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it.”

  Tears were coming again, and this time, I didn’t wait to let him convince me otherwise. Because I knew he could do it. I knew that he could ply me with I love yous and I’d eventually cave. I loved him so much, and I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay with him here forever and find happiness again. But it wouldn’t happen. And I couldn’t pretend like it would.

  I scooped up Sunny and headed for the door.

  Ash chased me all the way to my car.

  “Don’t do this,” he begged. “I love you.”

  “I know. I’m doing this because I love you.”

  “That makes no sense. I don’t care about what happened. We can get past it.”

  “You don’t care? You should care. I can’t do this, Ash. I’m sorry.”

  I extracted myself from his grip, slowly, one finger at a time. I pressed one more careful kiss to his lips. A good-bye that I hated saying. Then I climbed into my car and drove away from my forever.

  31

  Atlanta

  August 16, 2016

  Kristen yawned. “I hate days when we have to stay late.”

  “Away games,” I said with a shrug. “What can you do?”

  “Nothing, I suppose.”

  We went out into the empty parking lot. Most people had gone home over an hour ago. But the training room had still been full up to a few minutes ago. The preseason had started last week with a win against Washington. The team was flying out tomorrow for their match against Cleveland, and I wasn’t looking forward to being gone on a Thursday. But it was football season, and that was how it went.

  I’d been working for the Falcons for a year and had come to accept that this was how things went.

  “See you tomorrow,” Kristen said, waving good-bye. “Say hi to that hunk of a man you’re going home to for me, will you?”

  “Yes, I’ll let Cole know that you said hello.”

  “And after the season is over, we’re going to get trashed.”

  “The season just started,” I reminded her.

  She winked. “I know. I’m already looking forward to the postseason festivities.”

  “You’re ridiculous.”

  Once I was in my car, I texted Cole to let him know I was heading home. He responded immediately. My phone dinging noisily in the car.

  I’m making dinner, and we’re out of pasta. Think you could run to the store on your way home?

  I responded in the affirmative and then drove to the grocery store. I should have picked the one nearest to home, but my favorite coffee shop was next to a grocery store that was a little bit farther away. The benefits of coffee outweighed the added distance.

  I jog
ged into Kroger and picked up spaghetti and penne since he hadn’t been specific, and then I walked next door to the hole-in-the-wall coffee shop. When I’d been on Falcons cheer a few years ago, I’d driven out of my way all the time to get their iced lattes. No regrets.

  For a Tuesday afternoon, the coffee shop was packed. It wasn’t far from a few campuses, and college students covered every inch with their laptops open as they laughed with their friends. Ah, easier days.

  The line was at least short, and I ordered an iced latte and a flat white to take home for Cole. Then I stood off to the side, dicking around on my phone as I waited for my name to be called.

  “Lila!” the barista said, dropping my iced latte down in front of me.

  “Thanks.”

  “The flat white will take a minute.”

  “No problem.”

  I took a sip of my drink when I heard my name being called again. I glanced up at the barista, confused because she’d just said it would be a minute. But it wasn’t the barista. Seated at a table in the back corner of the coffee shop was none other than Ash Talmadge.

  I hadn’t forgotten that he was going to be moving to Atlanta, but I hadn’t thought that I’d actually run into him. Atlanta was huge. This was something different.

  I should have pretended not to hear him, grabbed my coffee, and left. Instead, I walked across the room to a smile I knew all too well and a man that I didn’t want to love anymore. Not that my heart gave a shit.

  “James Asheford Talmadge IV,” I said when I reached his table. “What a coincidence.”

  “Is it?” he asked.

  His laptop was open and off to the left, a book out in front of him, his meticulous handwriting covering a legal pad.

  “Suppose nothing is a coincidence anymore. You’re here studying?”

  “Yeah. I remembered that you said you loved this place. I thought I’d give it a shot.”

  “In case I showed up?”

  “That’s a bonus.”

  Two years ago, I’d broken our love, destroyed his trust, and walked away, empty-handed. How could he look at me the same way he always had?

  “How’s school going?”

  He shrugged. “It’s challenging and a lot of work, especially with a full-time job.”

  “I know nothing about an MBA. You’re still working?”

  I’d been able to work in a clinic and do some athletic training while in PT school, but it wasn’t anything close to full-time.

  “You have to,” he explained. “It’s a nights and weekends kind of gig. Made for people who are already running their own business and trying to level up.”

  “I see. So, how are you working here when the company is in Savannah?”

  “We’re diversifying,” he said with that cocky grin he always got when he talked about his family’s real estate business. Sometimes, I forgot that his family owned half of Savannah, and sometimes, it was painfully obvious that we had come from different social classes. “I’m running the Atlanta office of Talmadge Properties.”

  “That must be nice. Not being in daddy’s shadow here.”

  His face clouded, as he remembered that I knew him better than anyone. That I knew what this MBA was really about—a way to shine without the persistent presence of his father’s disapproval.

  “You know me too well, Lila,” he finally said.

  I swallowed at the words. At the easy way he’d said them. The intimacy as he’d leaned forward and rolled my name across his tongue.

  I couldn’t deny how terribly we’d ended. How many regrets I had about how that conversation had gone down. Least of all that I’d lied and most of all how bad I’d hurt him, demolished nearly a decade of a relationship.

  We couldn’t start over. There was nothing here that I could have when I was with Cole. That was obvious. Even telling him that I’d seen Ash would probably send him into a panic. But it was so hard when Ash was sitting right in front of me and all the old, familiar feelings washed over me.

  I took a step back.

  That wasn’t who I was.

  I could love two men, but I could only have one.

  And I wouldn’t do to Cole what I’d done to Ash.

  Never again.

  “It was good seeing you,” I said, swallowing hard.

  His smile faded as if he’d read my thoughts. “You too, Lila.”

  “I’m going to … go get my coffee.”

  “You have your coffee.” He gestured to my ignored iced latte.

  “Right. Cole’s coffee.”

  His eyes hardened at the word. As if even saying his name was taboo. And it probably was. But I was with Cole now, and that was how it was.

  “Bye,” I muttered.

  He didn’t respond, but I backed up and hurried to the counter just as my name was called. I grabbed Cole’s drink and booked it out of there.

  I carried the pasta, coffee, and a heavy heart into the house. I could smell Cole’s mom’s famous spaghetti sauce recipe, waiting for the noodles I’d brought home. Sunny rushed over to greet me.

  “Yes, I know, cutie. Let me set this stuff down,” I told her as I entered the kitchen. “I have pasta.” I held the grocery bag up. “And coffee.”

  “I knew I loved you for a reason.” He took the grocery bag from me, set the coffee down on the counter, and then pulled me in for a kiss. “Missed you. I hate when you work late.”

  “Going to hate that I’m heading for the away game even more.”

  “Mostly that I can’t go with you.”

  “Next time.”

  “Absolutely.” He kissed me again and then dumped the penne into the already-boiling water. “How was work otherwise?”

  “Fine. Just a lot going on.” I scooped up Sunny and gave her a bunch of kisses as he stirred the pasta.

  I debated on telling him about the chance meeting at the coffee shop. But the thought of the subsequent argument left me exhausted. I wasn’t going to see Ash again. I’d learned my lesson the hard way.

  “Do I have time for a shower before this? I need to wash the training room off of me.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “Thanks.”

  I released Sunny and then went for a quick shower. I towel-dried my hair afterward, pulling it up into a messy bun on the top of my head. The hot water had relaxed all my tense muscles, and I felt more like myself again.

  But when I stepped back out of the bedroom, I found Cole in the dining room, holding my phone.

  “What?” I asked when I saw his stricken face.

  “Your phone was going off. I went to grab it to put it on silent. I know you always forget.”

  “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

  I kept it on loud at work because Ferguson would send messages while I was in the training room. It always dinged when I left, and I’d get mad and have to put it back on silent. So frustrating.

  “That’s what you’re sorry about?”

  I stared at him. He didn’t look confused; he looked mad.

  “Uh, what am I missing?”

  “What the fuck is this, Lila?”

  He thrust the phone out at me, and I took it from him, not knowing what he was getting at. But there on the screen was a series of messages from Ash. My face fell.

  You ran out so fast that I didn’t even get to say good-bye.

  But it was really good to see you.

  Just to talk to you like normal even.

  Didn’t realize how much I’d missed you.

  My stomach knotted at the words. At the fact that they were from Ash. That he’d ever say these things to me. And also that he’d be stupid enough to put them in a text. Fuck.

  “Lila?” Cole ground out.

  “Ugh! Look, I saw him at the coffee shop. He was there, studying. Completely random.”

  “And you stayed and talked to him?”

  “It was five minutes. I was waiting for your coffee.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out from him sending you love messages
?”

  “It wasn’t a big deal.”

  “It’s always a big deal!” he shouted.

  I took a step back. “I wasn’t trying to hide it from you. I had no idea he was going to text me. Don’t you think if I was going for subterfuge, I would have at least turned my phone down?”

  “That’s not a good argument.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “You would have been sneakier if you’d wanted to hide it, isn’t a good answer. I don’t fucking trust him. He’s doing this on purpose.”

  “God,” I said with a shake of my head. “This is why I didn’t tell you! You’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion.”

  “No, I’m not,” he insisted. “I remember when I ran into you when you were dating him.”

  I took a step back. “Are you seriously doing this right now? Are you trying to say that I’m going to cheat on you? Are you equating a five-minute conversation at a coffee shop with New Orleans? Because this isn’t that, and I can’t even believe you’d say that.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “Maybe say what you do mean.”

  Cole stomped back to the pasta to keep it from boiling over … just like him. He took a minute before facing me again. “I don’t fucking trust him, Lila.”

  “You don’t have to trust him. Just trust me.”

  “He was in that coffee shop on purpose!”

  I sighed and dropped my head back. “How would he know that I’d be there? I didn’t even know that I was going to be there.”

  “I don’t know. But fuck, Lila …” Cole abandoned the pasta and stepped back to me. The fire had died in his eyes. His easily riled anger replaced by fear. He put his hands on my jaw and tilted my head up to meet him. “I’d feel better if you blocked his number.”

  I swallowed and nodded. “All right. But nothing happened, and it’s not going to.”

  “I know,” he said, dipping down to kiss my lips. “I’d still feel better if he couldn’t reach out to you.”

  I bit my lip as he served up the pasta. I stared down at the messages on my phone. I flipped it to silent. And another message came in.