Dysfunctional Hearts

by L. S. Pullen

  And it hits me like an arrow to the heart as it rips through my chest cavity and latches onto my soul. This is how it should be, me comforting her.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say and stroke her soft head of strawberry-coloured hair. “For not keeping you safe when it was my one job, for not knowing it was comfort you needed from me.”

  And I break down, silent tears vibrating through me as her little fingers clutch on to my top like a security blanket.

  I rock us back and forth.

  I need to do better, and to do that, I know I have to get better first. I stare at her in awe as she doses off, her cheek pressed against my chest. My own body begins to relax; the weight of my revelation being lifted has me feeling tired tonight for the first time since she was born.

  “Soph?” My name a spoken whisper.

  I blink awake and standing over me is Charlie. I must have dosed off, Selene asleep on my chest. He kneels down over us and touches my chin, tilting my face. “Have you been crying?” he asks, stroking my cheek, his expression pained, forlorn. “I’m so fucking sorry, Soph. It was too much too soon—me leaving you alone like this.” He closes his eyes.

  I shake my head and reach for his hand, wanting him to see me.

  “No, I’m the one who’s sorry.” I squeeze his hand. “I don’t know why I’ve been so distant, but I’m pretty sure I might have postnatal depression. I googled it but didn’t want to believe it.”

  He looks me in the eye.

  “I wish I were a better man. Maybe if we had got together sooner and my pride and ego hadn’t got in the way, you wouldn’t be feeling this way.”

  Selene lets out a tiny moan and Charlie reaches for her, but I shake my head. I push myself up from the chair, rocking her gently in my arms before I walk over to lay her in the cot. I switch on the overhead mobile, and stars glow on the ceiling as twinkle, twinkle, little star begins to play.

  Charlie steps up beside me, placing his hand over mine as I stare down at Selene.

  “I think I need to go see my GP about getting some help, Charlie.”

  He turns to me and takes me by the shoulders. “I think so, too,” he replies, his eyes filled with self-loathing and regret.

  I reach up and pull his head closer to mine, his hair soft beneath my fingers. Now, very conscious of the fact I can’t remember the last time I washed my own hair, I cringe internally. “This isn’t your fault.”

  He doesn’t seem convinced, though, and it breaks down another wall as my feelings try to resurface. He pulls me into his chest and holds onto me tightly. “I love you,” he whispers, and I squeeze him a little harder.

  First thing tomorrow, I’m going to ring the doctor’s surgery and book an appointment. I want to be the mum to Selene I promised her I would be. She deserves that and so much more.

  “Are you ready for bed?” he asks.

  I nod, “I think I’d like a shower first.”

  He kisses the tip of my nose and my heart squeezes. He looks over to Selene one last time, turning on her baby monitor before following me to his—our—bedroom. I make my way into the en-suite. Stripping out of my pyjamas, I get a whiff of my own odour and embarrassment finds me. I toss them into the linen bin but wonder if they’d be better put in the rubbish bin, instead.

  Turning on the showerhead, I run my hand under the spray before stepping in. The water cascades over my body, and a wave of tears follows. I try to stifle the noise with my hand but it’s no use.

  “Soph?”

  I can’t answer him, the emotion too raw.

  “I’m coming in.” I hear the door click closed though my back is to him through the glass partition.

  I hear him shuffling around and then feel the warmth from his body as he steps into the shower behind me. He says nothing as he turns me, wrapping me in his arms while I cry.

  “It’s okay, Soph. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  His eyes, full of conviction.

  “How do you know,” I say with a hiccup.

  “Because, Sophie Taylor, you were heaven-sent for me—both you and Selene—that’s how I know.” He wipes my wet hair away from my face and kisses my forehead.

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  He pulls back to gaze at my face in wonder. “You do?” he asks.

  I nod. I really do, but up until this very moment, I didn’t know if I could say the words out loud. He deserves to hear them, today and every day.

  The smile which crosses his face makes my heart beat a little faster and the numbness in my chest turns to pins and needles. He lowers his face to mine, assessing my reaction and when I go up on tiptoes, he meets my lips and kisses me soft and slow.

  Pulling back, he tells me to turn around, and grabs the bottle of shampoo, then just like the time in the hospital, he begins to massage my scalp as he washes my hair. Then he moves on to washing my body, not sexual, and yet intimate. No one has ever cared for me, not like this. I take the body wash from him and do the same in return.

  Once out, we take turns to dry one another, his eyes fixed on mine the entire time. He even watches me in the mirror while I rough dry my hair. He pulls out one of his t-shirts and removes my towel. He raises my arms and drops it over my head.

  He leaves me to go check on Selene one more time before turning out the hallway light and climbing into bed. He pats the spot beside him and I crawl up and lay down into the nook of his shoulder.

  “Promise me, going forward you’ll talk to me, Soph. We’re a team now, you and me.”

  I lean up and give him a chaste kiss. “I promise,” I say and mean it. Yawning, I lay my head on his chest, and his heartbeat lulls me into a peaceful daze.

  His fingers softly caress my back, the contact welcome and needed. I never would have believed my skin could be hungry from the lack of his touch—the act so simple, and yet meaningful—affection I didn’t know I’d been missing.

  “Things are going to get better, Sophie, I promise.”

  And I believe him. He hasn’t wavered in his pursuit for us. It would have made a weaker man baulk and walk away, but not him. It’s hard not to fall in love with him that little bit more. Because despite all my flaws and wrongdoings, he’s always made his presence known.

  Epilogue

  Sophie

  Seven months later.

  Life has been good. I was fortunate enough to get the support and help I needed to deal with my postnatal depression. I still have bad days, of course, I’m only human. When it all gets too much, I allow myself a day or two to feel sorry for myself. I’ll stay in the same pyjamas for a whole weekend. But then I shake it off and pick myself back up.

  I wasn’t sure about the anti-depressants at first, but they’ve worked for me so far, so I say each to their own. Selene and Charlie have been the light in my darkness and every day I find myself loving them more.

  I walk out from the kitchen, so ready to get home to them and stop in my tracks. Between me and the exit to the shop is Olly with his lips locked on Rachel’s. I’m not sure if I should cover my eyes or douse them with ice-cold water. I’m pretty certain the temperature just rose a few degrees.

  But when a guttural moan escapes Rachel, I step back into the kitchen and then quickly do a three-sixty, turn and walk in, an exaggerated cough making my presence known. Their lips part as if their kiss scolded them. Rachel’s momentarily stunned, her cheeks scarlet and Olly’s violet eyes dart around in utter surprise by what just happened. They step away from one another.

  I walk towards them. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rachel,” I say.

  She nods, unable to meet my eyes, and coughs out a, “Yep.”

  “Olly,” I say.

  He stares at me, his jaw agape and swallows.

  “I was just leaving,” he says to me.

  “Hmm, hmm,” I reply.

  He opens the door for me, and I peer over my shoulder back towards Rachel, her face pure bewilderment. I’ll text her when I get home. If I wasn’t in such a rush, I’d talk to her now.


  Olly doesn’t even say bye to her as he follows me out and starts walking in the same direction as me.

  “Everything alright?” I ask.

  He nods. “Yep, fine. Why wouldn’t it be?” he asks.

  “Well, I don’t know, the fact I just walked out on you two kissing.”

  He roughly rubs his palm over his face before staring back to me. “Shit, that shouldn’t have happened,” he replies, almost pained.

  “Why?” I ask, pressing my key and unlocking my car.

  “It’s complicated.”

  I roll my eyes. When isn’t it?

  “I have to go,” he says and leans down, kissing my cheek before walking away, and then suddenly stops, turning back towards me.

  His cheeks heat. “My cars that way,” he grumbles, and I can’t help but laugh. Whatever’s going on has that boy in a right two and eight.

  I can’t see Charlie’s car when I pull up, which is strange. We have dinner plans tonight; it’s why I was in such a rush to get home. Stepping out of the car, I inhale a deep breath; the smell of freshly fallen rain against the pavement is one I love.

  Keys in hand, I unlock the door and walk in, my eyes drawn to the trail of yellow petals which litter the hallway. Clicking the door shut behind me, I follow them into the kitchen.

  They lead to the kitchen counter where there’s a large, white envelope, and scrawled across the front, in Charlie’s handwriting, Read Me

  Dropping my bag and keys onto the counter, I pull up a stool and tear open the envelope, unfolding the enclosed piece of paper.

  Dear Sophie,

  I never wanted to fall in love. I sure as hell never wanted to risk becoming my Father—a broken shell of a man. He wasn't always that way, it's what happens when you lose the love of your life. But the man I knew before came back when you came into my life.

  I never really wanted to date for that reason alone. Truth is, I never met anyone worth taking that risk for, at least not until I met you.

  I never stood a chance when you walked into my life. It wasn't a choice. From the first time Flick introduced us, I knew there was something special about you.

  It surprised me how quickly I felt an overwhelming need to protect you, which was foreign to me. I'd only just met you and the only other people I've ever felt that towards is Nate and Flick.

  I tried fighting my feelings for you for over two years but then something happened. I had an epiphany and I realised I'd already fallen in love with you.

  I didn’t even see it coming.

  It opened my eyes to how much my Father must have loved my Mum, not to mention the struggle he went through after losing her.

  I now know what the meaning of a soul mate is.

  My dad pushed me away emotionally, he kept me at arm’s length.

  He tried to fill the void over the loss of her with other women. It never worked out as she was irreplaceable. Just like you.

  I understand it was his way of coping. I kind of get that now. More than anything, I'm glad he has finally met someone who he genuinely loves, and she loves him in return.

  My dad and I have a second chance to rebuild bridges. What helps is he actually talks to me about my Mum now and as stupid as it sounds, I think he has finally begun to grieve properly not that there is a time frame or a right or wrong way to do that we are all different.

  So, you see when I say I love you, it isn't something I would ever say lightly. And you need to know that I mean it with every fibre of my being. You and our Selene are my world, quite frankly, you're my everything.

  I want to spend the rest of my life with you and if our family grows, then so be it, and if it stays exactly as it is, then I will be happier tomorrow more than I am today.

  I’m getting to a point, I promise, but first I need you to go to the fridge.

  Yours, Charlie.

  I slide off the stool and walk over to the fridge. Tacked on the font is a piece of paper—

  Look Inside

  Inside is a small red box sitting there beside a single rose, next to a note that reads—

  Open Me

  Removing the lid, I peer inside. A smaller note on top reads—

  Eat Me

  I let out a laugh, a kinder egg. I peel off the tin foil and eat the chocolate shell of goodness, licking my fingers as I read the note which was underneath—

  Look Behind You

  A teacup is sitting on the counter with a note beside it saying—

  Drink Me

  I smile wide, this is all very Alice in Wonderland. I pick up the teacup and sip the contents. Bubbles tickle my nose, champagne.

  On the saucer, another note—

  Back Garden

  As soon as I pull the door open, I hear Bruno Mars’, Marry You, playing, and my heart begins to beat a little faster as I grip the plastic kinder surprise in between my sweaty palms.

  I step further into the garden. A small gazebo has been set up with a table in the middle set up like the mad hatter’s tea party.

  What the hell is going on?

  The volume increases from the Bruno Mars song and the lyrics catch my attention when Nate appears holding a large card with the word—

  Will

  Beside him, Flick’s holding one with the word—

  You

  Edward appears next—

  Marry

  I gasp out loud when Charlie appears, holding a giggling Selene in his arms. Her top has the words—

  My Daddy

  Edward takes a wriggling Selene from Charlie as he struts towards me, dropping down onto one knee.

  Breathing is now a struggle; I can barely catch my breath.

  "Sophie, will you marry me?"

  I can’t speak. Instead, I drop to my knees in front of him so we’re eye level, shaking my head.

  "Soph?”

  I shake my head again; his face falls, the colour draining. "What, no? You won't marry me?” he asks, dumbfounded, dropping the rose beside us.

  I slap his shoulder, and shake my head vigorously, trying to get air into my lungs.

  "Shit, Soph, breathe.” He cups my cheeks between his hands and coaxes me to take in air—in through my nose and out through my mouth.

  "Yes,” I blurt out, breathless. “Of course, I will."

  "Thank fuck for that," he replies.

  I swat his shoulder, and he pulls me in for a kiss full of so much want. My fingers grope his hair as I tug him closer.

  Someone clears their throat, followed by Nate and Flick hollering from behind him. I pull back, trying to hide my embarrassment in front of his chest.

  He pulls back and opens my hand to take the plastic egg from me. He opens it to reveal a diamond engagement ring. My eyes shoot to his face, then back to the ring. How did he do that?

  Holding my left hand in his, I watch as he slips it onto my ring finger. I hold it up and wiggle my fingers. A kaleidoscope of light sparkles off the diamond.

  "It’s beautiful,” I croak out. “Thank you."

  He shakes his head, pulling my lips to his as he breathes into my mouth, stealing another kiss. "I should be thanking you for saying yes. I really thought for a moment you’d said no.”

  “I love you. It would always be a yes.”

  And I mean it, we’ve been through so much—miscommunication, heartache, secrets and trauma. But one thing which has never wavered is his loyalty to me. He continues to show up and be present—I want to be that for him, now, too.

  I know the road won’t be paved in perfection, but if I get to choose who to be imperfectly dysfunctional with, I’ll choose him every day for the rest of my life.

  The End

  Letter to Reader

  Dear Reader,

  Thank you for reading Dysfunctional Hearts. Whether you patiently waited its release, or you are a new to me reader. Thank you!

  It most definitely was a labour of love. I hope you enjoyed reading about Charlie and Sophie as much as I enjoyed writing about them.

 
If you enjoyed Dysfunctional Hearts, please consider leaving a review, no matter how short. They really do help indie authors gain visibility.

  If you haven’t read my debut novel Where the Heart Is, why not check it out.

  A contemporary romance set in the outskirts of the beautiful English countryside. When childhood friends, Nate and Felicity, are forced to reunite years after they split ways, old feelings resurface, shaking their foundation.

  Can they forgive each other for past hurts? Or will their devastating secrets cut the worn string that’s held them together all these years?

  You can find a link here: https://books2read.com/u/38ZxeZ

  Coming Soon, Hearts of War.

  War changes everything.

  It shatters dreams and unravels families. It extinguishes—not just life, but love and hope and stability. For Annalise Dubois, during the outbreak of World War II, life as she knows it ceases to exist. Bitter and unwilling to watch as her best friend and the love of her life start a family, Ana must make a choice: misery or change.

  After joining the war effort, being recruited by the SOE and training as a Secret Agent was not something she ever would have envisioned, but sitting back wallowing in her own grief was something she refused to return to.

  Everything she ever thought she knew about love, loss, and family is tested to the brink. Finding herself behind enemy lines, and taking comfort in someone new, she must choose between her past or her present.

  What will she do when everything around her falls apart?

  Don’t miss out. Add it to your to be read shelf here on Goodreads:

  https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/48565927-hearts-of-war

  Acknowledgments

  To everyone who continues to support me in all the ways that count, thank you and I love you. It’s been another rollercoaster of a year getting this book out into the world, but I’m glad it’s finally here. I hope the wait was worth it.

  Jon, I want to say thank you for being my friend. I miss you more than words can say. It’s a daily struggle, living in a world without you in it but I know I was blessed to have known you. I was one of the lucky ones. You always were my biggest supporter, and I’ll cherish the memories we shared, until we meet again.