When I Was Yours

by Samantha Towle

  I don’t know why he won’t talk to me about it. Maybe it’s because he feels as sad as I do about him leaving.

  But he can’t ignore it forever.

  Lifting off him, I get to my feet and brush sand off my butt, which somehow managed to sneak onto our blanket.

  “What about our stuff? Should we take it back to the house first?” I ask him.

  “Nah. Leave it. It’ll be fine.”

  He wraps his arm around my shoulder, so I put my arm around his waist and snuggle into his side.

  We walk along the shore for a while in blissful silence. The beach is clear of people, except for a few random joggers.

  The only sound is the splash of water washing over our feet as we walk.

  “Oh, I can’t believe I’m only just asking, but how did Casey do at her scan?” Adam asks.

  Earlier today, Casey went to the hospital to have a brain scan done. I couldn’t go as I was working, but Dad went with her.

  She’s nearing the end of chemotherapy, and she had to have the scan done, so they can determine how effective the treatment has been.

  Can’t say I’m not nervous about it, but I’m trying to remain positive.

  “Dad said it went fine, but we won’t find out anything until she has her appointment with her doctor, which is next week.”

  “Sucks you have to wait a week for the results. Can’t they see her sooner?”

  I shake my head. “It was the only appointment he had. He has other patients, too, I guess.” Not that I care about those other patients. I care about only Casey.

  Some voices off in the distance catch my attention. At the sound of cheers, I lift my eyes in the direction of them and see there’s a wedding happening out on the terrace of one of the hotels along the beach.

  “Aw, look at that.” I pat my hand on Adam’s hard stomach, getting his attention. “A couple is getting married on our one-year anniversary.”

  I stare at the couple. They look so happy.

  I have a thought in my mind, a picture, that the couple could be Adam and me one day.

  It makes my insides feel all warm and gooey.

  I smile up at Adam, only to see his eyes fixed on the soon-to-be newlyweds.

  He’s not smiling. He just has this really serious look in his eyes.

  Then, he stops walking.

  “Hey, you okay?” I ask him.

  He turns to face me. “Marry me.”

  “What?” I stare back at him, unblinking.

  I couldn’t have heard that correctly. I mean, I know I was just having a mini daydream about future Adam and Evie becoming Mr. and Mrs. Adam Gunner, but he couldn’t have said that for real.

  He moves closer, taking my face in his hands. “I love you, Evie. I look into the future, and the only thing I see clearly is you. Marry me.”

  Yep, he definitely did say that.

  Holy. Shit.

  I part my suddenly dry lips, but nothing comes out of my mouth but air.

  What am I supposed to say to that?

  I mean, I know it’s either usually a yes or no answer, but—

  Holy crap!

  We’re so young…but he’s…he’s Adam. And I love him so much. I don’t see myself ever being with anyone but him.

  But we’re so young.

  “You think we’re too young.” It isn’t a question, and apparently, he can also read minds as well as throw out-of-the-blue marriage proposals out there.

  “Aren’t we?” I manage to say.

  “I don’t think we are. I love you, Evie, and that’s not changing…well, ever. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Everything else is just semantics.”

  “I just…I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling a little blindsided by this. I definitely did not see that one coming. You sure know how to surprise a girl.”

  “So, is that a yes?” He gives me a smile, but I can see that it’s laced with worry.

  He’s worried that I’ll say no.

  Do I want to say no?

  I close my eyes and try to think about this good and hard—well, as hard as I can in the short time frame I have.

  I love Adam more than anything. And I do see myself with him, building a life with him, forever. He’s all I see.

  But he’s leaving to go to Harvard.

  I open my eyes. “Harvard,” I say. “If we did this, I couldn’t go with you. I can’t leave Casey and Dad, especially not while Casey’s still so sick.”

  He grasps my face again. “I’m not going to Harvard. I’m staying here with you.”

  “Adam, you can’t. It’s a great opportunity—”

  “That I don’t want. I never wanted to go to Harvard. Ava and Eric told me I had to go. Then, I’ll have to go work for Eric. I don’t want that. You know I don’t. All this time, I thought that I was trapped, that I had to do what they said, join the family business, but I don’t. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. So, I’m not going to. I’m finally doing what I want, and what I want is to marry you.”

  He looks so alive in this moment, more alive than I have ever seen him.

  And I love it. I love him.

  “Can we really do this? Get married?”

  “We can do anything we want, babe. You’ve made me realize that. Being with you has made me realize a lot of things…that I can do anything I want. I don’t know exactly what I want to do yet”—he chuckles—“but what I am certain of is that whatever I do, I want you by my side.”

  “Where would we live?” I’m trying to look at this from all angles before I give him an answer. I’m being practical, one of us has to be.

  “The beach house. It’s paid up until the end of August. We can stay there until we find another place.”

  “My dad and Casey need me with them though.”

  “Then, we’ll all live together. We don’t have to plan everything. We can work the rest out later. All I need right now from you is a yes.”

  For a long moment, I stare up into his eyes, those turquoise eyes that I adore so much. From the instant I saw those eyes, I knew that I could spend a lifetime staring into them.

  “This is crazy. You know that, right?”

  “Maybe it is. But I don’t fucking care. Just…just say yes, Evie.”

  My heart is thudding against my ribcage. My thoughts are running a mile a minute. But each time, they circle back to one word.

  “Yes.”

  The look on his face…I’ll remember it forever.

  “Yes?”

  “Yes”—I smile so big that it feels like my face might split in two—“I will marry you, Adam Gunner.”

  He lets out a sound of total happiness, and then he swoops me up into his arms, his lips crashing to mine. He kisses me so fiercely that I can practically feel his love for me pouring in through his kiss.

  My palms are pressed up against this chest, and I can feel his heart racing beneath them.

  He lowers me to my feet, but his lips seem reluctant to leave mine as he continues sweeping soft kisses over my mouth.

  “I love you so much,” he murmurs, his fingers threading into my hair.

  “I love you, too.” I run my fingers over his cheek. “So, we’re really doing this, huh?”

  He presses his forehead to mine, our noses touching. “Yeah, we’re really doing this.”

  “And how will we do this? I mean, how and when will we get married?”

  A grin appears on those lips of his that I love so much. “How does tomorrow sound?”

  “Tomorrow?” I gasp. “So soon?”

  “What’s the point of waiting? I want to make you mine as soon as possible.”

  “I’m already yours.”

  “But I want to make you mine officially, so no one can ever take you away from me.”

  “No one’s taking me away, Adam. The only way I’ll leave is if I want to. And there’s no way I’ll ever want to leave you.” I push his hair back from his face. “You really want to do this tomorrow?”

  “Ye
ah, I do. I want you to be my wife sooner rather than later.”

  His wife.

  His words touch deep inside of me. “Well then, tomorrow it is.” I swallow. “But where in the hell can we get married on such short notice?”

  A grin spreads across his face. “Vegas, babe.”

  “Vegas?” A strangled laugh escapes me.

  “Yeah. Have you ever been before?”

  “No. I’ve never had a reason to go.”

  “Well, now, you do.”

  “But…Casey’s appointment is next week…”

  “We’ll be back before that with time to spare. I only need a few days of your time, and with you being off work for the next three days, it’s perfect. Meant to be. So, what do you say?”

  I let my emotions take me over, allowing myself to feel the happiness he’s offering me. I wrap my arms around his neck, levering up onto my tiptoes so that we’re almost face-to-face. “I say, take me to Vegas, Adam Gunner, and make me your wife!”

  He laughs deeply, his smile so big that it almost breaks my heart.

  His hands find my ass, and he lifts me off the ground. I wrap my legs around his waist.

  “You’re my family now, Evie. This is it—you and me forever.”

  I rest my nose against his, staring into his ocean eyes. “Forever,” I echo.

  The intro starts to play, and I see Evie freeze in the passenger seat beside me.

  It’s like the radio is playing a sick joke on me. I never listen to this song. Ever. I have successfully avoided hearing it in nearly ten years, and now that Evie’s sitting here beside me as we drive to the place where we met and fell in love, our wedding song starts to play on the fucking radio.

  Well, fuck Bon Jovi and their fucking “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

  I reach over and change the music station just as Jon Bon Jovi launches into a full warble. And what do I get? Bruno Mars wailing “When I Was Your Man.”

  For fuck’s sake.

  This is not good, but it’s definitely better than listening to the song we got married to. And it’s definitely better than sitting in complete silence for the rest of the journey.

  We’ve hardly said a word to each other since I picked Evie up from outside her apartment building in Culver City forty-five minutes ago. She told me she’d wait outside for me. I guess she didn’t want her dad or Casey to know she was going away with me.

  And yeah, I know how long we’ve been in the car. I’ve been watching the clock. There’s not much else to do when sitting in the car with your soon-to-be ex-wife, whom you’re still fucking, than look at the road ahead, listen to the radio, and continuously check the time.

  I’m just thanking God that we’re only a few more minutes away from the beach house. Otherwise, I might have to shoot myself.

  I guess I didn’t think how it would be, actually spending time with Evie since we started sleeping together. Not that we actually sleep. We just fuck. Then, after we’re done, I go and hide in the shower until she leaves because I don’t know how to deal. Afterward, I spend the rest of the night and the next day telling myself that it won’t happen again, that I’m done. Finito, she is out of my system.

  Until I find myself standing outside the coffee shop, waiting for her to finish working. Yes, I know her work schedule.

  I’m so screwed.

  I’m addicted to her again. My obsession is in full flow. I can’t believe how stupid I’m being. But I can’t seem to stop. I don’t know how to stop.

  I’m eighteen years old again and at her mercy.

  I know it has to stop because I can’t keep doing this to myself.

  I can feel myself softening toward her, getting close again, and I can’t let that happen. I can’t risk letting her shred me to pieces again.

  I barely survived the last time.

  So, after this weekend, I am definitely done. I’m going to tell her that it has to stop. No more.

  After this weekend, no more sex with Evie.

  Yeah, sure you are, Gunner. You keep telling yourself that. You’re in so deep again that you can’t even see a way out.

  I swing my car into my driveway and turn off the engine.

  “You still have the beach house?” Evie asks in surprised voice, staring at it through the windshield.

  My scalp starts to prickle. “I bought it when I got back from Harvard.”

  I watch her processing this information, and then she turns her face to me. “It always was a beautiful house.”

  You’re beautiful.

  I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.

  Fuck.

  I open my door and get out of the car.

  You need to sort your shit out, Gunner, ASAP.

  I get Evie’s overnight bag from the trunk and head to the house, with her behind me. I unlock the front door, letting her in first.

  I watch her step inside the hall. Her movements are timid, like she’s afraid.

  Maybe she is.

  I am. I’m fucking terrified.

  I hadn’t considered before now, how difficult it would be to have her in the beach house again.

  It’s hard. Really hard.

  There’s an ache in my chest that won’t seem to go away, and I have a feeling it’s going to be here all weekend.

  “You’re in the spare room,” I say as I walk past her, heading for the stairs.

  She follows behind me.

  When I reach the landing, I pass by what used to be Max’s old room, and it is now mine. “This is me,” I tell her, jerking my thumb at the door. “And this is you.” I open the door to what she will remember as the spare room.

  It’s now the guest room where Max usually stays when he’s here. With the worst view in the whole house, it overlooks the side entrance to the house, so basically, you’re looking at a fence.

  When I moved back here, I took Max’s old room and made it my bedroom.

  I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my old bedroom. Too many memories in there.

  But I didn’t want anyone else sleeping in there either, so I turned the spare room into the guest room.

  “Sorry about the view.” I jerk my head in the direction of the window as I put her bag down on the bed.

  “No, it’s fine. Perfect. Thank you for letting me stay here.” She smiles as she sits down on the edge of the bed.

  Evie. Bed. Beach house.

  I have the sudden urge to make love to her, which is definitely not a good idea, considering I’m suddenly calling it making love and not fucking.

  I’m so screwed.

  “It’s no problem.” It’s such a big problem that I can’t even begin to explain it to you. “I told Grady that we’d go see him as soon as we got here. Do you need to freshen up before we go?” I’m backing up toward the door.

  “I could do with a quick freshen-up.” She smiles at me again, this one a little weaker.

  “Towels are in the bathroom. So, I’ll see you downstairs when you’re ready.”

  “Okay. Thank you,” she says.

  Closing the door behind me, I rest my head against it and let out a breath.

  I can do this. Evie being here isn’t a big deal.

  Taking a step away from her door, I make my way back downstairs and head out onto the deck to wait for her.

  I’m just working through some emails on my phone when she appears. She’s wearing different clothes—a strappy white summer dress that has little pink and purple flowers on it that stops just shy of her knees. Her hair is down. Her face is still clean of makeup, except for a little gloss on her lips.

  She looks beautiful.

  And she sees me staring because she starts nervously running her hands up and down her dress.

  Then, she says, “I thought I’d make a bit of an effort. I wasn’t sure if we’d be having lunch with Grady or not. Is it too much? I can go change—”

  “No, it’s fine.” I clear my throat. “We’ll be having lunch. Not sure where though. It’s Grady’s pick.” I check my watch. “
We should go.” I pick up my house keys off the table and put them along with my cell into my jeans pocket. “I thought we could walk along the beach to Grady’s?”

  “Sounds great.”

  I lock up the back door and follow her down the steps to the beach.

  I watch her gaze catch and linger on the rock she used to sit on to sketch. It was the first place I saw her, the first place we talked, the place where I fell in love with her.

  I’m moving closer to her without even realizing I’m doing it.

  Her hair blows in the breeze, brushing against my chest. I breathe in her scent. She smells of everything that once represented happiness to me.

  Standing here with her reminds me of the times we would just stand out on the beach together with my arms wrapped around her from behind, her scent in my nose, our toes buried in the sand. We’d watch the sunset and listen to the waves crashing in against the sand.

  “It still looks the same,” she says softly. “Like no time has passed at all, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know,” I say, my eyes fixed on her.

  Being here with her, it could almost be like nothing has changed. It’s ten years ago, and we’re still in love. No anger, no pain, no hate. Just her and me.

  She turns to face me, and the past is written all over her face.

  And it hurts so very badly. Because I know what the reality is, and it isn’t happy. That’s for sure.

  “Let’s go.” I turn away and start walking down the beach toward Grady’s.

  It doesn’t take us long to reach the Shack. The walk was a little tense but not as tense as the car journey here. Maybe the sea air is loosening us up a bit. That, and the fact that I know Grady will be with us soon, and he will monopolize all of her attention makes me feel a little better.

  When we arrive, I open the door, letting Evie in first, and see that the shop is busy.

  Grady is behind the counter. The second he sees her, his face lights up. He’s around that counter and sweeping her up into his arms in seconds.

  “Look at you!” he says to her. “You look exactly the same. Still as beautiful as ever. God, I have missed you, Evie Girl.”

  “Missed you, too,” she says in an almost whisper, as he lowers her to her feet.

  I can see tears glistening her eyes. I didn’t think about how hard coming back here might be for her.