She Came in Through the Bathroom Window

by Frank G Schafer

  It turned out to be a hot day. I was quite sweaty, so I went up for a shower. Of course, once in the shower I couldn’t help but think of my earlier shower. Is that likely to be a regular thing? She as much as said so. And what about that “tonight you’re gonna get lucky”, quip. Nonsense, I thought to myself, but what if, would I be up for it?

  It was about five by this time and I went down to watch the news. I decided to watch The Five, on Fox. None of my liberal friends would ever do this, but they didn’t get the format the way I did. They have it set up so there are four conservatives debating with one liberal. They did it this way so that it might seem as if the conservatives win the daily debate. Four against one. In my opinion, they still lose on most days, but the watchers, are mostly old, conservative, white men. In fact, over ninety percent of them are just that. I’ve often wondered what Fox News will do when these old bastards die out.

  About fifteen minutes in, I hear someone on the porch, and in she comes. “Hey, dinosaur, how was your day. My day sucked; I didn’t even get lunch. The professor was an hour late and he was so boring. But I’m sorry how was, your day?”

  “Let’s just say the operative word here is, boring.”

  “Cool. I’m starving, and I could use a beer. Do you have another Happy hour spot that you go to, I can’t stand that bartender at Titos.”

  “Well, we could go to Seasons 52, They have a blind piano player if he’s still there.”

  “Bitchin. Does he take requests?”

  “Of course.”

  “What are we waitin for gramps?” Why does she constantly remind me that I’m old?

  We entered the bar area and got a couple of seats on the piano side. The Piano man was not there yet. Now this place does not have Blue Moon, but they do have a reasonable facsimile, New Belgium Fat Tire. We each ordered a twelve ouncer from the tap. Our Bartender was a pretty Asian girl who looked to be about seventeen. Her name was, oddly enough, Gi, a Korean name, that means, Brave One, she told us. I told her we had the same name, and she said laughingly with an emphasis on the first word, “GEE, what a coincidence.” To which I answered, “These days coincidence is my middle name.” She didn’t get it of course, but Tac gave me a knowing wink.

  We ordered from the Happy Hour menu deciding to get four appetizers that we would share, Seared, Handline, Ahi Tuna, Kona Crusted Lamb, Caramelized, Sea Scallops, and Grilled, Chicken and Avocado.

  Right about when we had finished ordering, Alfie, the blind piano guy entered the bar area. As is his custom, he made his way around the bar greeting and getting touchy feely with all the patrons. He does this every day at the start of his shift. A very smiley happy man with dark glasses wearing shorts, sandals and a Hawaiian shirt. He asks each person at the bar what song they would like him to sing. He can’t write them down of course, but he has a telegraphic memory or something because he never forgets to sing even one request. There are maybe ten people at the bar as it is still early. As he’s getting close to us, I ask Tac, “What are you going to request?”

  “You’ll see?”

  “Oh, is that root beer I Smell?” He moves closer for a second whiff. “I have only run across that ode to sassafras one other time, in a dream from my youth, but I have never forgotten it. It’s lovely. He gently feels her face. “And a purdy root beer at that. I think I’ll sing your request first. What’ll it be?”

  “Somewhere over the rainbow, but not Judy’s, I love the version by the Hawaiian guy. Can you do that one? “That would be my old pal, Israel Kamakawin’ole. We shared a cruise ship entertaining guest away back then. In those days it was him singing and me playing, but he taught me a lot and I believe I can belt out a cat screeching version of it for you.” He said with a wide grin. “What’s your name, Sassafras?”

  “My close friends call me Tac.”

  “Ah, but of course, I knew that.” He said as he moved on to the next patron.

  I’m not sure that I believed any of what he said, but Tac was beaming, so I didn’t give my opinion.

  Sure enough, after about a five-minute, wonderful sounding piano warm up, that featured a small segment from all the requests he had received, except for Tac’s request. He looked over in our general direction and said this: “I got root beer on my mind and a special song for my old friend Tac.” He pulls out a ukulele from under his piano bench and starts strumming on it. After a short warm-up, he starts to sing, and if you didn’t know better, you’d a-thought you were on a beach somewhere on Maui. Just a beautiful rendition. I had to take my doubts about his truthfulness back, he probably did hang with him back in the day. And I had another thought too, why did he say, ‘my old friend Tac’?

  The food came and we shared it. Over the next twenty minutes, she only insulted my age once, calling me old Rhino at one point. I was used to her by this time and she could have called me almost anything.

  After we had finished our second beer, and Alfie is between songs, Tac stands up and raises her hand, waving it frantically like a schoolgirl, in the direction of Alfie, as if he could see her. Oddly, he blurts out. “Does someone have a request?”

  “I do, I do,” she yells out. “Do you know Wicked Game, by Chris Isaac.” As I heard her request, I just about fell off my stool. Cat’s favorite song of all time was just that.

  “Is that my friend Tac calling out to me? Do you expect me to sing another song after that one? Did you know that that particular song is often a challenge request in a Karaoke contest because no one can hit those high notes, except Chris and maybe Roy Orbison? But, heck, for you Tac I’ll give it a go.” Although this song was Cat’s favorite, I never really listened to the words until that night. Alfie started in:

  The world was on fire

  No one could save me but you

  It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do

  I never dreamed that I’d meet someone like you

  No, I don’t want to fall in love

  I don’t want to fall in love with you

  What a wicked game to play

  To make me feel this way

  And so, he sang this song, without a glitch, beautiful for its words, and for his perfect rendition. When he was finished, he received a standing ovation.

  I asked Tac, “Why did you request that song?”

  “Hmm, I guess you could say, a little birdie told me to.”

  “You know I never really listened to the lyrics before. I almost cried actually, why hadn’t I, you know, listened to the words before?” I said, now with a tear in my eye,

  “Beats me, probably because you’re just about senile, Grampy. Now let’s blow this joint. Time to go home, and for you to get lucky. Do you remember that at least?”

  “Lucky, oh right, sure.” Am I going insane or what? None of this makes the slightest bit of sense, but it seems to be continuing. We left the bar and Alfie, about seven-ish.

  As we entered the house she said, “Go up, get naked, and I’ll meet you in the bedroom in about five minutes.” She must have noticed the expression on my face because, she then said, “Unless you can’t get it up or something, you old codger.” I didn’t know what to say; my cluelessness was palpable. “Just do it, that’s an order.” I did as I was told.

  As I laid in my bed, all I could think of was Cat. What was she doing with Mr. Pickle Ball at this moment? Was I getting even with her was that why I was here at this moment? No, it was more like a dream. A strange dream that seemed to get stranger by the minute. I thought about just getting dressed and offering Tac the bed and heading down to the couch. But I didn’t.

  Then came the knock. “You are in there, naked in bed, right?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m gonna tell you something and I don’t want you to be afraid, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “When I come in the room is going to get very dark. Like black, dark. Like the
blackest of anything, you have ever experienced. Are you okay with that?”

  “What?”

  “Just trust me, okay?”

  “OKay”. She entered, and for a split second, I could see her silhouette. Naked. Then blackness, inky blackness, badass blackness. I had never been more afraid.

  I smelled her and felt her as she entered the bed. We were lying face to face as she spoke. “I have something to confess to you. I am not just a young girl who happened to pop into your life. I am a purposeful being. And I am an old soul for sure. I have been around for many thousands of years. One might say I’m a shapeshifter or a time traveler or a dimension hopper. All those monikers would be correct. In this particular instance, I am here for you to get you from one place to another.”

  “But, I?”

  “Shush, let me finish. When I told you that you would get lucky tonight, I meant that, and you will, and maybe each night for as long as I’m here. But tonight, it’s vital. I have to pull you through an event horizon. Something that is close to happening to you that you don’t and can’t know about. So just relax, and let it happen. I have been here many times before. You will be safe with me.

  “Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra? You may say yes or no”

  “Yes, sort of.”

  “Well, it’s not just different positions, which is probably all you know about it. In reality, it’s about love, from first meeting to infatuation, to maintaining what comes next, to instilling trust, to accepting shortcomings, to fixing things, to breaking off if it’s just not working. The soup to nuts of a relationship. The Hindu name for these things is Purusharthus. It’s time old fig, do not speak, just do as I say, and hold on, you will be tired in the morning.

  I opened my eyes to the early morning light It seemed to me that only a moment had gone by. Tac was not in bed with me, but the scent of root beer seemed to surround me. I tried to remember what happened with us during the night, but it was mostly a blur. I knew I got lucky, and that it was more than once. But it was much more than that. I was spent, and more relaxed than I had ever felt before.

  Just then, Tac popped into the room. “I had to pee really bad. I’ll bet you do too. God knows it’s probably the first time you went through the night without peeing in like thirty years. But let me say this before you drain your dragon. Wowsa! Wowsa! you still got some gas in the old tank. You rose to the occasion didntcha, you old magpie.” She was right about having to go. In my best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice, I looked her in the eye and said, “I’ll be back. Then I have a million questions.”

  Standing at the toilet for what seemed to be forever, I tried once again to make sense of any of this. Of course, she just barged in on me in mid-stream, and said. “back scrub time see you in about a half hour when you’re done peeing, Mr. enlarged prostate king. She was close to being right.

  I joined her. She was washing away, with her back to me, looking, as I said before, young. And so, the shower went, it was ditto, just as the day before. I got out first and handed her, her little shaving kit. As I left the room she called out, “Remember, that’ll be another twenty-five bucks for the back scrub.”

  I got dressed went to the kitchen and put some water on to boil. I had ten trillion questions if only I could remember them all. Soon enough she joined me.

  “Let me guess you have questions? Go ahead shoot.” She said looking serious for a change.

  “Well, for starters, how did you create absolute blackness, and why?”

  “I can do some things, and that’s one of them, and besides, it was necessary because of the danger you were in.” If I allowed even a hint of light, we may not be here speaking at this moment. I had to keep you alert, which you’ll have to agree I did, but too much stimulus was the wrong prescription.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind, and never mind your questions, I know them all, all too well anyway. I’ll just give you most of it right now: This is not your regular dimension. Your soul drifted here because you are in Limbo, my friend. Remember the flight down the steps and your head smashing into the plaster wall. Just nod. You woke the next morning, right? Just nod. But you did not wake up in the same dimension. That’s why I am here in your life right now, to make sure you hold on. How am I doing by the way? Just nod. You see this is my job. I’m like the Wizard of Oz, and this dimension we’re in is like Oz, at least as far as you’re concerned. Dimensions like this one actually do exist along with trillions of them just like this one, but each one is just a tick off from the other. We’re in the multiverse, my friend. Now that’s all I’ll give you for now, and I don’t need the whole twenty-five bucks, just ten. I didn’t eat lunch yesterday remember.”

  “I started laughing, “Very funny, here’s your ten.”

  “Thank you, but I wasn’t joking. You should think about these things I just told you as you go through your day. I believe it may start to sink in on you. And, one more thing, I wouldn’t tell anyone, any one of this, they’ll think you’re crazy. Okay, gotta go.” She went out the door just like yesterday, except she left me with my head spinning.

  Could any of what she said be true, or is she just pulling my chain? Well, there was the blackout last night, and how could I forget that Kama Sutra time we had. She’s right about one thing, I better not bring any of this up to The Buckers, or even Neighbor Ed for that matter.

  And so, it went for the next couple of weeks. I visited with my friends at Starbucks each morning, smiling talking, joking and even going along with the latest gossip about J and the Happyfielders. The trip to The Garden was coming up this weekend, which accounted for J not coming in to entertain us. He was busy in New York putting the show together, that reportedly will have a complete orchestra and everything.

  I picked up a few handyman jobs to keep myself busy during the day. At night, when Tac came home, we would visit a different Happy Hour each night, watch a little TV, and head off to bed for another lesson from the Kama Sutra. Not just the sex and positions mind you, but a blueprint for life. The Kama Sutra is more about the philosophy, and the theory of love, what triggers desire, what sustains it, and how and when it is good or bad. Tac taught me more about life and love in a few days then I had learned my entire life before I met her.

  She also clued me in on more of what she was, and why she was here. She wasn’t kidding when she said she was an old soul. She was something like a crisis manager. She came in to save lives, to keep the unconscious from fading away.

  It was Friday morning, the day before J’s big night at the Garden. The room of Broken Toys was all a buzz.

  “I can’t wait to see him up on the big stage,” Dennis said. The tall John chimed in, “I’ve been on the stage many times, it’s hard not to get the apple when you first come out.”

  “Yeah, but he’s so confident these days. He’s the man.” Cheryl chimed in. The group was all in for J. We all loved him so. We had a coffee toast to J right around 7:00 a.m. The plan was for us to meet right here at Starbucks at 4:00 p.m. tomorrow to board the bus. Everything was set.

  I finished a small porch repair I had started the day before and drove home. It was a hot day. I stayed in my work vehicle with the air on for a few minutes just trying to bring myself up to date. Tac had filled me in on what my new life was about, sort of. There were still some loose ends. I was just sitting there thinking of the things I would ask her when she got home. When I heard a knock at my passenger side window. It was Tac, smiling, a Tac kinda smile. She was home a little early. I rolled down the window. “We gotta get inside there’s a storm coming.”

  “Are you kidding, not a cloud in the sky?”

  “It’s coming trust me. Hurry up you old tortoise, we must get inside.” She’s such a total whack job, I thought to myself.

  Once inside, she said, “Sit with me on the couch, we only have a few minutes. Now give me a little kiss, cause I’m going to miss you G.” We
had that little kiss, and I felt an electric shock or something, as our lips parted. “Wow! That was some kiss.”

  “And the last one. We are both leaving. You’re going to wake up in a hospital. I can’t tell you what you’ll find there, only that you will be very happy with the rest of your life. I must tell you one more thing. If you ever tell anyone about our time together or anything at all about this place, you will begin to forget it, and the more you speak of it, the more you will forget, like a dream that you so much want to remember, but it’s gone.” As she’s talking the room is getting darker and darker. It must be the storm she spoke of. “Remember the things I taught you from the Kama Sutra about love and life. These things will guide your life.”

  I saw the lights of a car as it came to a stop in front of the house. It was now pouring rain. Tac got up, fetched her backpack that was draped across one of the dining room chairs and headed to the door. I ran to catch her hoping to kiss her one more time, but she was down the steps and in the car in a flash. The car drove off. I stood on the sidewalk in the pouring rain with tears running down my cheeks. I watched as the taillights disappeared into the distance. Here I was again, just like when I lost my one true love Cat. I fainted.

  “Hey, somebody look at that. Are those tears coming from G’s eyes.” The Mahoff said.

  “Looks like it.” Said Neighbor Ed.

  “Somebody should go and fetch Cat, and maybe get a nurse in here.” Said the shorter John.

  Cat and the nurse entered the room at the same time. The nurse went right to work checking things on the equipment that was attached to G. She looked at those in the room, a good half dozen or so, and said, “I don’t know what this means. I’ll bring a Doc in here.” She left the room.

  Cat, who had not left G’s side for almost a month, grabbed some tissues and wiped the tears from G’s cheeks. She got really close to him and whispered something in his ear.

  It’s so foggy, I can’t see anything. Where am I? I heard something. It sounds like Cat. It is Cat. She’s hugging me, Oh, thank God I haven’t lost her.