I want to fight and argue. Tear him apart with my words, but at this point, does it matter?
“I can tell you this, when a man is in love, he will take her. Damn the costs. That is what Bull did. I know you felt the blade of betrayal. Even if he would have done everything right, you still would have been a pissed off asshole. You were too young then to see you didn’t love her and cut her loose. Any other guy, you wouldn’t have cared, would ya? No, it was your best friend, he took your toy, and you never forgave him for it.”
I look off into the distance and allow his words to marinate into my thick skull. “It’s not only that. He knocked her up while I was recouping from that rodeo. That bull gored me because I was distracted watching them. I thought something was up and then after I woke up, I forgot all about it. I had rehab for months, and Sadie was at my side the whole time. Then she breaks it off with me because my best friend knocked her up during that time.”
“Yeah,” a voice calls from the side of the house. Bull rounds the corner and stands at the first step of the porch. “I did that to you. You’re right. I fucked up how I handled that. I should have gone to you way before that night. Sadie felt like shit for a long time and felt it was her duty to get you back on your feet. Me knocking her up was an accident, or how it was just meant to be.”
My hands itch to knock his ass out, my nostrils flaring with the man standing in front of me. “What you did shredded my belief in any friendship.”
“Who fucking cares what I did? You are the man of your life. Colt, not everyone is going to fall in love with your woman and she’s going to leave. It was me. I’m that special asshole. But I loved her. I was going to tell you that night. That’s what Sadie and I were fighting about before that bull rammed his horn into you and sent you flying across the arena. Afterward, we didn’t know how.”
I slowly stand and walk to the edge of the porch. “Fuck it. I should have been paying attention. Shit happens. It’s not your fault for what that bull did.”
“No, it’s not. But it is my fault my own best friend and brother can’t even talk to me, let alone look at me. I’ll wait, Colt. I’ll wait as long as I need.”
A deep dark secret wants free. I never hated Bull for loving Sadie, but it’s his kids that he has with her that grew like poison. That’s the worst kind of betrayal for a man who would give anything to have them, a family.
18
Angie
Jazzy has a small in-law quarters in her backyard. After we moved my stuff from Cowboy’s apartment, we brought it all out here. We started setting up a nursery in my room. I don’t expect Cowboy to come back for me. At night, it sure is hard not to think about his hands as they ran over my skin. How he spent his time memorizing every part of me, and I did him. For one whole week, we loved like there was no holding back. That was only because we both knew there were no expectations, that we would go our own ways. One of us would run.
I’m not mad at him.
I miss him.
How can you be mad at someone who never gave themselves to you completely?
“How about we put the bassinet here?” Vegas asks while she looks around the room, checking where she picked is perfect.
I exhale to push out the memories. Pulling on a smile, I turn around. “I love it. I can’t thank you enough for loaning me this stuff.”
“Loaning? Oh, no, girl. Blade and I are done. Lina and the twins? They are enough. I’m more than happy to get it out of my house and, more importantly, to you. As soon as you know if it’s a boy or girl, we’ll get you the kids’ clothes out of the garage. It will save you millions of dollars.” She says millions like an old heiress would.
“I suppose it would with them growing so fast in the first year.”
“Are you sure we can’t throw you a baby shower?” Vegas asks and holds her hands up, praying and pleading.
“I can’t do that to you all. No. This is more than enough.” Asking them to do more would make me so uncomfortable. Already, they all have helped in their own ways. I already feel like a walking charity case.
“We’ll see . . .” she taunts and falls to the couch in the small living room. “Enjoy this silence while you can. You will never experience divine bliss like this ever again.”
There’s a knock at the door and in comes the rest of the crew with gift bags. Tami, a younger mother with striking blonde hair, hands me the first bag. “It’s just a little housewarming party.” She gives me a quick hug. These are all good friends of Jazzy, Dana, and Jenn, who I knew from Sacramento, and they have family in the Battle Born MC. Tami and Kat are new to me, so I’m surprised to see them both come over.
Kat gives off the ‘I can kill you about ten different ways without even thinking’ vibe. Her black hair mixed with her Hispanic background and tattoos is intimidating. Kat’s eyes are dark and alluring. I’m not a lesbian, but if she was and I was, she would be my mistress. No doubt. She hands me a bottle of sparkling cider and one of vodka also. “One is for you, and the rest,” she holds up a bag of lemons, “is for us to drink.” She winks, and I’m mesmerized by her black eyeliner.
Jenn elbows me hard in the arm. “Don’t fall for the devil dressed in black so easily.” She wraps her arms around me. “I’m not letting you leave. You are a part of us. Our circle is complete with you here.”
When she lets go, so does my resolve to look totally cool to my new and old friends. My lower lip trembles and my shoulders sag. How long have I been holding on? Jenn passes me boxes of Chinese takeout. My little house is filled with love, and it’s starting to dawn on me what that word actually means—being there and giving without the expectation of anything in return.
“So,” Kat clears her throat, “inquiring minds, meaning all of us, want to know what the fuck happened between you and Cowboy?”
Oh, and here I was thinking about deep love and shit. “Well, he needed a fake a girlfriend, we played house for a week, and then he bailed out on me.” I shrug my shoulders because there isn’t much to tell. All their faces turn red besides Vegas, Jenn, and Kat. “Oh, this is interesting. So maybe it’s you all who have a story to share? Let’s start with who fucked him and get it out in the open now.”
Why the fuck am I being so territorial? I pinch the bridge of my nose and take in some calming air. “I’m sorry, it has to be the pregnancy hormones. It doesn’t matter who he fucked. None of my business.”
“I don’t know about that,” Jenn chuckles. “I would want to know . . .” That earns her a whack from Jazzy.
My gaze laserpoints directly on my best friend and sister by another mister. She shakes her head. “No, we never ever got anywhere close to that, ever.” She holds her hands up in defense. “Cowboy is another version of Snake, charming as hell and flirts way too much.”
“What she said.” Tami points at Jazzy. “He just was, you know, single and ready to mingle.” She holds her hands up. “None of us are you. You stayed with him. He has never allowed that to happen.”
My eyes round. “Oh, you mean with whoever he did take home, had never stayed? Is this supposed to make me feel better, because you all realize it’s not, right?”
“Shit.” Kat glares. “I wanted to see how you were, not bring up his past. We all have skeletons, no sense in trying to dig ‘em up.”
Jazzy and Jenn start setting the food out on the table and we all take a seat. “Look, I have no room to talk, literally. I don’t know where that burst of possession came from. Of course, he flirted with some of you. It’s just the obvious. I dream like any other girl, to have a man swoop in and be her last kiss. For a week, I let myself believe we could be a real couple. I came home after work to his smiling face. It was just perfect for a little bit.”
“Don’t worry about what you don’t have. Because you have a lot.” Jazzy smiles and hands me a plate. “When it’s right, it will work out. Until then, you have all of us. We all wanted you two to work out too. That’s why we asked. Hopeful for you and always will be.”
; I’m not going to hold my breath. Do I feel a little confused? Definitely. I know his past and by what it sounds like, I may be the only one who does. Why did he leave with no warning and not telling me why? I, at least, thought we were close enough to share those kinds of things. It was as if he needed to get away and run as fast as he could.
“At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. He’s been gone for a while with no contact. I have her to take care of. In two weeks, I have the ultrasound. I’ll be five months along.”
“You know it’s a girl already?” Tami asks.
“No.” My hand runs over my protruding belly. “It’s what I feel. Me and her.” It amazes me the changes I have gone through in the months since I found out I was pregnant. The morning sickness is gone. At first, I freaked out, but the longer she’s around, the more I have adjusted. My boobs have started to enlarge as well as my stomach. I no longer fit in most of my clothes and it’s freeing to not have to measure up to how I want to look or what I wear. Best of all, I came to believe how important she is to me. There is nothing I want more than her. Nothing.
19
Cowboy
Angus’s ashes are spread in the mountains behind his MC. The same place he spread his wife’s. He wanted to be able to keep an eye on us all. He said, “If the wind picks up, you can feel my presence. It isn’t ever goodbye.” Two weeks ago, he said those words. Every day, we would sit and talk. We never brought up Bull again.
Levi, my blood brother, stands to my right. Mom and Dad came by and visited with Angus before he passed away in his sleep last night. I found out Mom brought him many meals and helped take him to the doctor when he needed before he said it was his time and he accepted his fate, to move on with his wife. He didn’t accept any treatment for the cancer.
The wind picks up and the hair on the back of my neck stands straight up. It’s an odd feeling to think it’s possible to have him or a version of him with us here. So, I whisper into the wind, “Rest easy, Angus. Say hello to your missus.”
Bull pours the ashes slowly and the wind picks them up and scatters his remains back to the earth. I’m glad I got the time I did. There are some moments we can never get back, lost forever. I had my goodbyes with a man as close to my old man you can ever get.
The brothers in his MC all give their speeches and condolences to a great man. As sad as it is to let him go, I’m happy he’s with the woman he loved. He lived and died how he wanted. He fucking lived his life.
“Let’s head out,” I tell Levi, wanting to get out of here.
He nods and follows me to my new truck. I bought it before I left, and it reminds me a lot of Angie. She spent so much time pouring over the details of every truck on the lot. She hand-picked the perfect ride for me. It hit my heart that she knew what I had before and wanted to help me replace it.
“What’s that smile for, dipshit?” Levi questions.
“I can’t look at this truck and not think of Angie. She picked it out and test drove it. I actually let her on purpose because the sales guy almost shit himself when she took it on the freeway.” Levi looks confused, so I help fill him in. “Angie can’t drive a car for shit let alone this rig. She cut off so many cars and ran over curbs. I think she may have done some damage to it, and I loved it. I had to buy it, I guess. It was a good day. I wanted to keep something with me.”
Levi jumps in after I do. “You know,” he pauses to slam the door shut, “why do you talk about her like she’s past tense? Does it have to be? It seems to me like you do an awful lot of thinking about her. Since you’ve been here, she’s all you’ve really talked about.”
“She . . .” I stutter because it’s complicated. Angie showed up knocked up by another man and I can’t decide if I want to claim the baby or not. “You could say it’s been a complicated story and I ran home to clear up shit before I went home. Fuck, Levi, I don’t know.”
“You can keep hiding here, cutting hay all summer. Or you can get the fuck over your shit and choose. We both know you don’t have shit here. Go home. Try to live your life the way you want it. It may not be perfect, but it’s yours. Quit hiding from the hard stuff because you look like a pussy, and I know from beating your ass enough growing up that you aren’t one. So, man the fuck up and claim that woman, and your future.”
The rest of the ride back to Mom and Dad’s ranch is quiet. The music plays in the background, but none of that can be heard over the words of the men who have come before me. Mom asked me about Angie, but suspects we either broke up, I’m here for Angus, or it was a sham, and she knew it too. What I love is my parents won’t butt in. They’ve let me live my life regardless. My time is limited and wasting it hiding away here isn’t making it any better.
I drop Levi off at his house, and instead of driving over to my parents’, I send Bull a text message to meet me at the bar downtown alone. I get there before he does, and I have a few tossed back before he sits across from me at the table in the back. I needed a few drinks of liquid courage to get this out. Congratulations, Angus, you got what you wanted today.
“I’m not going to sugarcoat what I need to say. I thought of you as a brother and your actions pissed me the fuck off. What really drove the dagger in my back deeper was the fact that I can’t have kids. When I was in the arena watching you two have a lover’s quarrel, that bull took my chances at ever having my own kids. I hated you for taking away my future.”
Bull has the decency to drop his head to his chest. His fists ball up in his lap. “I never wanted to hurt you, not ever,” he croaks and looks away.
“I know you didn’t, and for a long time I was wrong for placing you in that position. Let’s face it, you ain’t that good. I got to let that shit go, because at this point, I’m the only one fucking up my own life. Can’t give that to you. I own that shit. I’m heading home tomorrow. I’ve been a shit brother to my MC and being here makes me realize that too. So, thanks, Bull, for fucking up my life.” We will never be the friends we were, but being away from the place I call home gave me perspective. The life I have wasn’t living, and Angus was right, I need to live without fear and take what belonged to me without apologies. It’s what that old asshole wanted all along, to breathe the life back into me before he took his last.
I hold up my hand and signal the waitress over. “I’m gonna buy a round for my friend here.” She smiles and brings over a bottle of brew. We clink glasses. “To your old man. He was a good man. Live like he did, and we will be square.”
“To Angus, a grumpy, stubborn ass, who never gave up on life,” Bull adds in.
“Are you taking over the club?” His patch says VP, but I do wonder.
“I’ll try anyway. I’ll never leave those walls. Inside, he left a piece of him with us.” Bull chokes on the words. He tells me a few stories of the club I left long ago, then I take one last drink of my beer and set it down.
“Good luck on your future. It’s about time I move on.” He stands when I do, and we shake hands. Walking out of that bar, I feel as if the weight I’m haulin’ behind me is gone. The wind picks up and I raise my middle finger to Angus. I know you, bastard. I know. I hear you.
20
Angie
Jazzy sits with me at the doctor’s office in the waiting room. “Is it normal to be this nervous? What if something is wrong with her? I can’t take it if something happens to her!” I whisper-shout. A few heads turn and I plaster on a fake smile. Haven’t they ever seen a crazy, emotional pregnant lady before? Oh wait, they are too!
Jazzy’s hand comes down on top of mine. “Baby,” she coos like she’s my woman.
“What the fuck?” I mouth, now confused as hell.
“It’s all going to be okay. I’ve got you.” She lowers her voice. “I’m getting into that room. If I have to pretend to be your lover, I will do it.”
I squint my eyes, wondering why she thinks that. I can bring up to two people with me, my choice. “Angela Sarrico,” the nurse calls, and I get up to follow. Jazzy holds my han
d the few steps to the door. I’m going to make her pay for this little scene she made. The cute nurse gives a loving smile as if we’re some cute couple.
“Wait!” a loud male’s voice booms on the other side of the closing door.
“Is that Cowboy?” Jazzy whispers. “He can’t seriously be here to steal my bestie rights.”
The nurse opens the door with one hand. All I see is a hot piece of Cowboy. Long, strong legs and boots, and muscles that want to burst out of a t-shirt. Well, on one side at least because he still has a cast on. His beige hat against his tanned skin makes him look handsome. Wherever he’s been has done him good.
He steps past the drooling nurse and toward me. He doesn’t say hello. I want to cry at the sight of him. Why? I don’t know. He wraps his hand behind my neck and pulls me into him. His soft lips touch mine. It’s not hungry or rushed but soft, sweet, and tender. “Hey. I couldn’t miss today, could I?” he rasps and waits for my reply.
I forget that Jazzy is holding my hand until she tugs me out of my stupor. I rip my hand away and glare at her smirking face. “I’m happy you’re here,” I choke, equally thrilled and confused.
The nurse garners our attention and sets us up in the room. I sit on the examination bed before I lie back on the table. The doctor walks in and runs through introductions while she taps away on the keyboard. Cowboy has my hand glued in his while we watch the screen. She points out certain anatomy. “Your baby is very healthy. Good job, momma.” Those words make the tears spring to my eyes. He wipes them away and kisses my temple, but I cannot move my face away from the screen. I realize it’s just a sonogram, but to me, it’s beautiful. My heart pounds with love like I’ve never felt in my life. How can I fall in love so easily? She’s my life and part of me. “Are you ready to hear the sex?”
Twisted Steel: An MC Anthology: Second Edition Page 67