by Alyson Belle
I let those words sink in as I stared myself down. Maybe if I said them intensely enough, I would actually believe them.
But it was hard, so hard. Last night had been downright magical, and being with Lyla like that had rekindled a spark of hope inside of me that I thought I’d extinguished forever, all those years ago on her dorm room bed. For the briefest of moments, I’d imagined a future where we might actually get to be together forever… as more than just friends. So much more.
Then my nightmare had been a cold, hard slap of reality, reminding me that none of this could be real since I wasn’t really a woman. For all I knew, my magical transformation could have an expiration date, and the clock might be ticking closer every moment to the time when I’d have to go back to being the screw-up that I once was. Even Cinderella had to leave her ball eventually, and at least she’d had a glass slipper to leave behind. How could I start something with Lyla knowing we could be ripped apart by fate at any moment?
A soft knock on the door sounded, and I heard Lyla’s sleepy voice from the other side.
“Hey, are you okay in there, Jess?”
“Yeah,” I answered, trying to make my tone reflect hers. “Just reading all the beauty stuff in here. Do you really need three different face washes?”
She giggled, and I heard her pad back towards her bed. “I need four, I’m just out of one.”
I smiled to myself, my heart warming as it always did whenever I heard Lyla laugh. The flame kindling inside of me burned that much brighter for a moment, and a strange kind of resolve hardened in my heart.
If I was stuck in a temporary illusion for now, then so be it. Why wallow in misery while I waited for the bitter end? The clock hadn’t struck midnight yet, and I was going to dance with my princess for as long as I was able to. I would treasure every second with Lyla, so that when I was finally thrust back into being Tom, I would at least have the memories to hold onto.
Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. Focus on the positive. That was the most Lyla-like thing I could do.
* * *
“Yaaas! Get it girl!” I cried, clapping my hands along with the music and bouncing up and down with a few other enthusiastic cheerers in the crowd around me as Lyla strutted her stuff on the spot-lit stage in front of us.
After I’d come out of the bathroom with my new determination to make the best of whatever time I had with Lyla, she’d kissed me good-morning and told me that she’d been asked to perform at a local burlesque show to replace another girl who’d bailed on the upcoming weekend performance. While my petite friend wasn’t a professional dancer or anything, she did have some pretty insane hooping skills she liked to show off. I remembered watching some of her routines back in high school, then college, and always being impressed by it. Apparently word got around!
That was how I ended up a few days later at another local bar, all dolled up again and watching Lyla as she lit up the stage—literally lighting it up. She had some of those fancy, high-end hula-hoops with lights inside, and watching her spin them round and round her gyrating body was a mesmerizing experience.
My heart pounded the entire time she was on stage, my eyes locked to every single twist and turn of her body, trying to transcribe every detail of the experience into my soul. Despite the intense concentration her performance must have required, her gaze strayed to mine again and again as she hooped, brightening every time our eyes locked. Once she even winked at me and sent a flutter of joy spinning through my heart.
Entirely too soon for my taste, she was taking her bow and skipping off back-stage to change out of her costume and wash off the heavy stage make-up. I saw her off with a cheering, standing ovation, along with most of the rest of the bar.
There was a break in the show after Lyla, and I swiveled on my stool back toward the bar, using the brief moment of solitude to sip my drink and turn over my thoughts about the last few days that we’d spent together.
There hadn’t been any more sex after our first night out on the town, but I didn’t mind. We didn’t need it to be intimate with one another. Wherever we walked, we did so hand in hand, laughing, joking, and flirting like there was nothing strange about it. I’d gotten to know the adult Lyla better than I ever could have otherwise, and I was thrilled to learn that we were just as compatible as we had been when we were kids.
With each day that had passed, I felt us growing closer and getting to know each other better, and we spent each night curled up in a tender embrace, cuddling and warm inside her silky sheets. It was perfect—exactly what I needed to move on from the mess of a life that Tom had had to deal with. I wanted it to last forever; an endless summer with Lyla, exactly as I’d always wanted with her. I didn’t mind being a woman in the least, as long as I got to be with her! Now that I was getting more comfortable as Jess, it was starting to be downright fun, in fact. But no matter how happy I was, and no matter how perfect our days together had seemed, that melancholy twang of doubt hung over me like a storm cloud I just couldn’t shake.
I tried to push it down, I really did, but the slivers of discontent still made it through. The ice-cold tendrils of apprehension would worm their way through my body at random moments, wrapping around my spine or seizing my heart for a sudden, chilling squeeze. I’d been able to fight them back or push them away so far, but no matter what I did, they were always lurking just out of sight to snake out and ruin my mood. I knew my time with Lyla couldn’t last forever. That wasn’t how magic worked in any story I’d ever read. Sooner or later, the good times would have to end.
“I think I need a breath of fresh air,” I murmured to no one in particular. I downed the rest of my drink and then threaded my way through the crowd and out the front door, nodding to the bouncer so he’d know to let me back in—not that I had any trouble getting into bars looking like I did now. Outside, the cool night air washed across my face, refreshing me, and I leaned against the rough brick wall of the building and closed my eyes, breathing deeply. I’d just give myself a few minutes out here to calm myself down before going back in to find Lyla and watch the second half.
“I see you are adjusting well.”
My eyes snapped open and my head jerked in the direction of the familiar voice I was sure I remembered. Sure enough, it was none other than the woman who had sat next to me on the plane when this craziness had all started. She stood before me once again in what seemed to be the same exact outfit as the first time I’d seen her.
“You!” I cried, so surprised by her sudden appearance that my brain shorted out on any other words for a moment. But then I collected myself. I’d suspected all along that my weird seatmate might have had something to do with my transformation into Jess, and her pseudo-mystical appearance beside me on a random street in New York basically confirmed it for me. A sudden flash of anger ran through me. “What the hell did you do to me?!”
She regarded me calmly, seemingly unperturbed by my outburst, and replied in a level, accommodating tone, like you’d use with a petulant child. “I simply gave you what your heart most desired. Tell me, are you so unhappy with your gift?”
“M-my gift?” I sputtered incredulously. I gestured angrily down at my body. “So you did do this to me! But this surprise transformation into a confusing, unfamiliar situation is mygift?” Then I paused to think for a moment, considering her words carefully and remembering the conversation she’d had with me on the plane.
Was I really that unhappy with my transformation? Well, no. It was weird at first, but with Lyla’s assistance it had actually been working out pretty great for me. It would be different without my friend to help me through it all, but I did have my friend to help. In fact, I’d enjoyed nearly every minute of my time as a woman, gotten to fulfill all my fantasies of being with Lyla, and as Jess, I was smoking hot… way hotter than Tom had ever been. Maybe it was a gift that I’d been given.
Anger dissipating, I managed to answer her honestly. “No… I’m not unhappy with it, per se, but I also feel like I can
’t actually relax and enjoy it. It’s like I’m halfway in and halfway out of a completely different life, and I don’t know what to do because all of this could end at any moment.”
“Oh no, my child,” she replied with a small, indulgent smile. “That change could only happen if that was what your heart truly wanted. The sole way to return to the body you left behind is if living your new truth is truly not what you desire.”
“Wait, are you serious?” I asked. My eyes widened as I tried to figure out if what she was saying meant what I thought she was saying. Was it actually possible that I could stay as Jess forever? My heart skipped a beat or three, hope warring with disbelief that this could really be true.
“I am always serious when it comes to matters of the heart. One could say it’s my reason for being. I gave you what I heard your heart singing for, but I would never force you to live a song that went against your desires. Tell me truthfully, now: is this life truly what your heart desires?”
I took a deep breath, trying to think of what I wanted to say to this strange… whatever she was. ‘Human’ didn’t seem very likely anymore, considering what she had the power to do. There were dozens and dozens of fragmented thoughts all trying to get out of my mouth at once. “I mean… I, uh…Wait a second, let me think.”
I felt like I was walking on a blade’s edge—my answer here, my decision, seemed vitally important all of a sudden. I realized that whatever I said next could change the whole course of the rest of my life. Did I want to be Tom or Jess? Go back to the familiar state of being a man and resign myself to once again being no more than a friend to Lyla, or spend the rest of my life learning to be a woman and have the chance to make Lyla my best friend and my lover, forever and ever? I gave myself a full minute to think about it before trusting myself to speak again.
“I do like being Jess,” I answered truthfully. “And I want to stay being Jess forever if it means I have even the tiniest shadow of a chance to be someone important to Lyla. Being with her like this has allowed me to realize just how important she is to me, and I regret that I ever let us drift apart.”
“I hoped you might say that. Happy endings are my favorite.” The woman smiled once more and spread her hands with a slight nod in my direction. “Check your purse, my dear.”
I lifted my bag slowly, rifling through it with a confused expression. What was I supposed to find in my purse? The only things I even had in there were a tube of borrowed lip gloss, my phone, and the IDs and credit cards that still had my old name on them. I figured some identification was better than none, even if no one would believe it was me. I pulled the phone and cards out to dig deeper, looking for anything unusual, but other than the lip gloss the purse was empty. Then the picture on my ID caught my eye.
“Wait a minute…” I breathed, so surprised that I almost dropped it. I raised it to my eyes and studied it carefully under the light from my phone. ‘Thomas McCallister’ was nowhere to be seen. Instead my ID now described me as ‘Jessica McCallister’, complete with a dolled-up picture of my gorgeous face and correct height and weight measurements for my new body.
I quickly flipped through all of the other cards in my purse, one after the other, confirming that each of them had undergone the same transformation from Thomas to Jessica. I had no doubt that if I pulled up my bank records or social media accounts, they’d show my new name as well. I looked back up at the mysterious woman in amazement.
“Is… is this real?” I asked shakily. I could hardly believe it.
“Jess? What’re you doing?”
I glanced away to see Lyla strolling out of the bar door, coming to look for me. I guessed I had taken longer than I’d expected with my little conversation. Normally I would have greeted Lyla with a smile and a hug, but I was still reeling from looking at the little pieces of plastic in my hand.
“She—I, uh. That is…” I stuttered, gesturing toward the woman, but when I looked back at where she’d been standing only a moment before, I saw that she’d vanished without a trace. Again. It was a really annoying habit.
“You okay, Jess?” Lyla peered into my eyes with concern. “Did something happen while I was in the bar? You shouldn’t be out here by yourself. If someone said something mean to you—"
I cut her off with a quick shake of my and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly.
“No, no, I’m fine. I just… I saw the woman from the plane again! You won’t believe what happened,” I said breathlessly, my heart hammering away inside my chest. I didn’t care. Joy and excitement began to course through me as I realized that I really might be able to stay with my friend, like we were now, forever.
“Woman from the plane? What are you talking about?”
“There was this lady who sat next to me while I was flying here, and we got to talking. I told her about you, and she asked if…” I trailed off for a split second, not sure if I was ready to drop this truth bomb on Lyla, but I blazed through that doubt quickly. It was time to finally tell her how I really felt about her, after all these years of keeping it bottled up inside.
“She asked me if I loved you. I told her that it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t your type. She asked what I would do to possibly be your type and have that chance, and I told her honestly that I would do anything.
“The next thing I knew, I was waking up in a female body. Of course, I didn’t know that that was why this had happened at first, but now it all makes sense.”
I looked into my best friend’s eyes, hoping she could feel the truth of everything that I was saying to her, and took a deep breath before continuing.
“I love you, Lyla. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I never told you that because I knew it couldn’t work between us… until now, that is. And I know that me being a woman doesn’t mean you automatically have to fall in love with me, but I was offered a chance to try, and I was willing to give up anything to have that chance. Look.”
I held out my IDs to her to show her that they had changed too, but my hands were shaking so much I didn’t know if she could even read them. “I’m really a woman, now. Truly, for good. It’s magic, or something, I don’t know… Look, it doesn’t matter now. But apparently, I couldn’t even have held this form if I didn’t truly want it, so we don’t have to worry about me suddenly changing back. I want it more than you can know. I’m going to be Jess forever. And I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything—please, god, I’m also happy if you only want to be my friend, you have to know that by now… but I also have to take my shot and tell you what I’ve wanted to say for so very long: I love you so much, Lyla. You’re the only girl I’ve ever wanted.”
Lyla’s face slowly flushed as she stood listening to my babbling deluge of words, and I thought I saw tears start to prick at the corner of her eyes.
“You really were willing to give up everything for me?” she asked, her voice low and full of emotion. “Even the body you’d always had? You cared about me that much?”
I nodded emphatically. “Yes, absolutely. And I don’t regret it at all. I would do it again in a heartbeat if offered the chance.”
“Oh my god,” she breathed, her eyes widening. Then her arms wrapped around my neck and she held me close and kissed me more passionately than she ever had before. My heart swelled with more happiness than I’d thought was possible. After so many years, so much struggle and longing, I was finally right where I wanted to be. Where I knew I belonged.
When we eventually parted, Lyla’s tears were flowing freely down her face, and I also felt my own trickling down along my cheeks. Neither of us could stop smiling. We must have looked crazy, standing there on the street crying and grinning like idiots in one another’s arms, but I didn’t care in the slightest. I gently lifted the bottom of my dress to dab at her face.
“You know,” she said, her voice trembling just like I was sure mine would if I trusted myself enough to speak right now. “It feels like you’ve been given a new chance at life, and I don’t think we should lo
ok a gift horse in the mouth any longer. I would be honored if you would want to stay here in NYC with me and maybe, possibly, you know… try this whole girlfriend thing out. For real. I know it won’t be easy, and you’ll have a whole lot to learn about this new body you’ve been given, but I want to be here for you through all of it. I want to know what we can build together.”
I felt a happy little sob break free of me, and I kissed her again, holding her so tightly that it seemed like our bodies nearly fused into one. My heart felt like it was soaring, and I never wanted to come back down.
I gazed happily at my best friend—my girlfriend, I guess I was going to have to get used to calling her now—and studied her beautiful face adoringly.
“I love you, Lyla,” I murmured, finally able to make words again.
“I love you too, Jess. More than you know, but I hope you’ll have a chance to find out.”
“Me too,” I whispered. “Me too.”
Our fingers wound together, and I pulled out my phone to call a cab as we swayed softly on the sidewalk. As we waited, wrapped in the contentment of one another’s embrace, I felt a lightness and happiness that I had never known before. This was the first true moment of my new life. My new life with Lyla.
And I couldn’t wait to get started.
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