Me: Goodnight. Talk to you in the morning
She didn’t answer, and I wondered if she was sleeping or if she was out with her friends.
As soon as my head hit the pillow, I dropped into a restless sleep.
I jolted awake, heart pounding and disoriented as hell. The shrieking was as bad as the sunlight that blinded me. I’d obviously forgotten to close the blinds before I went to bed last night.
Blinking the sleep away, I sat up and turned the monitor volume down. Yawning, I scratched my chest and reached for a band for my hair. I’d found out the hard way that Isaac had an uncanny way of puking in my hair if I left it down. Not to mention, he always managed to get a handful of it. Kid had a grip like I’d never seen.
After securing my hair in a messy form of a man-bun, I got up and pissed. Then I shuffled my way to the room I’d set up for Isaac. He was raising hell in his crib.
Stopping by the side, I reached in to pick him up. The second my hands touched him, his eyes opened. Tears were running down the sides of his face. “Let’s get you changed and put some food in our guts, yeah?”
He buried his head in my chest and rooted around against my bare skin. I’d never admit it to anyone, but it was damn near the sweetest thing I’d ever experienced. Talking quietly to him, I set him on the changing table and got his tiny pj’s undone.
In the few days he’d been with me, I’d actually gotten fairly adept at changing his diaper. It was a bizarre accomplishment that I’d never anticipated or thought I’d have to figure out. Like I said, kids hadn’t really been on my radar.
Once he was changed and zipped back up into his little footed jammies, I carried him out to the kitchen. The other thing I’d gotten good at was holding him while I made a bottle for him. Who knew babies needed special water to mix with their special milk? I sure as shit didn’t before that.
“This shit stinks, dude. I don’t know how you drink it.” I talked to him as I finished it up and put it in the bottle warmer. He damn near went crazy as he saw it coming close to his mouth. I chuckled at his exuberance.
I held him with one arm while I made myself a protein shake for breakfast. His eyes were intent on me the entire time he guzzled on the bottle. Once my shake was ready, I sat at the table and drank it as I held him. Victor jumped up on a chair and observed us.
As intently as I watched the little baby, he studied me, his blue eyes blinking slowly. It was hard to tell what with him being so tiny, but I was almost sure he had my eyes. He had a little dimple on his right cheek like I did too.
“Dude, I sure as shit wasn’t ready for you,” I said as he held one of my fingers and intently sucked away on the bottle. We both sat there quietly having our breakfast.
He was about halfway done, so I worked it out of his mouth like Avery had shown me and put him up to my shoulder to burp him. The massive sound that came out shouldn’t have come from something so tiny, and it always made me laugh.
“Good one, kiddo,” I said with a smile and brought him back down to finish the bottle.
Once he was done, I burped him again.
My head dropped forward when he puked down my shoulder and back. “Fuck,” I muttered. “I knew I forgot something.”
Avery had also shown me how to lay a burp cloth, towel, or blanket over my shoulder when I burped him to avoid the mess I now had. But I’d barely been awake when I grabbed him, and I’d forgotten.
“Let’s go get us cleaned up or we’re gonna smell like shit,” I said to him as if he actually understood a word I was saying.
Deciding to kill two birds with one stone, I stripped him out of his now puke-stained clothes and carried him into my walk-in shower. I’d learned really quick that babies were slippery, so I held him close and washed him off. Then I set him in the little bathtub hammock thingy I had in the shower for times like this and washed myself off while I watched him closely.
“Hey!” I exclaimed when a little arc of pee shot up from him and landed on my foot. Then he farted and gave me a toothless grin. He looked like my grandfather when he did that. It was impossible not to laugh.
I finished up in the shower and scooped his tiny naked butt up. After wrapping him in a towel that swallowed him, I set him on the bed, dried myself, and dressed. Then I took him to his room, put a clean outfit on him, and picked him up.
“You need a Kosinski jersey, little dude.” All he had was little pajama things to wear. Avery and the other ol’ ladies assured me this was what was best for babies, but I still thought he needed a jersey.
I called Sydney, but it went to voicemail. I tried to ignore the ache in my chest at the thought that she was blowing me off. When she didn’t answer the second call, I called my dad.
To say he was stunned would’ve been an understatement.
Isaac and I spent the day puttering around the house. Victor followed us around, still unsure of the tiny interloper but tolerating him well.
Several hours later, my phone rang. Jumping up before it woke Isaac from his nap, I hurried to stop the ringing. I made a note to put it on vibrate.
My stomach dropped when I saw it was my mother. I hadn’t talked to her since she got back from her vacation. We weren’t overly close.
“Hey, Mom,” I said.
“Alex.” By the tone of her voice, I knew she’d heard about Isaac. Shit.
“What’s up?” I tried to play off that I didn’t catch that tone of hers.
“You should’ve called me,” she said, full of disappointment. It was a tone she seemed to have with me often. Like she expected me to be a fuckup because I played hockey. I knew that was part of the reason they had split. Mom always assumed Dad was fucking around on her while he and I were traveling with my team.
“About what, Mom?” My resignation was apparent in my question, but I couldn’t disguise it. My brain and body were too tired for bullshit.
“You know what, Alex. A baby? Really? What are you going to do with a baby? You play hockey. You’re always gone. It’s not going to work.”
“Who told you? Cooper?” I hated that I was being snide with my mother, but I was at the end of my patience with everyone and everything.
“It doesn’t matter where I heard it. I’m worried about you and the baby. Have you gotten the paternity results back yet?”
“If I did, I’m sure you would’ve heard that too,” I replied with snark.
“Alex,” she warned. I snorted.
“I’m doing the best I can, and I’m figuring it out.”
“But this is your long stretch of home games. What happens when you go out of town on Friday?”
I was a little shocked she knew my schedule. “I’ll figure it out,” I repeated. She sighed.
“Do you need me to come down there to help you? I will if you need me.” Was it my imagination, or did she sound hopeful that I’d say yes, I needed her?
“I’m okay for now. You’re always welcome, but you don’t have to go out of your way because of this.”
We discussed Christmas, and I extended the offer for her to stay with me. To my surprise, she accepted. I made a mental note to give Dad a heads-up.
When I went to bed that night, I tried not to let it bother me that Sydney hadn’t made any more effort to spend time with me. Because though I understood, it sucked.
The next morning, I received a call that ended up being both a relief and a devastation.
“This Is How A Heart Breaks”—Rob Thomas
Monday morning, I trudged into work feeling like I hadn’t slept a wink. It was the story of my life since everything had happened on Tuesday. It was hard to believe it had only been a week since some woman from Alex’s past showed up with a baby. It seemed more like a year with the way I missed him.
It shouldn’t bother me that he didn’t invite me over again after my last refusal. On one hand, I was thankful. If I was telling the truth, I didn’t want to get attached to a baby that might not be his. The other side to that coin was that if it was his, I’d been
able to put aside the hurt that it was with someone else. Yet, he hadn’t shown any interest in having me over, and I was too stubborn to ask or to simply show up.
Flopping into my chair, I let my bag hit the floor and slouched with my head against the back of the chair and my eyes closed. Katie was out sick, and I hoped I wasn’t getting whatever she had. With as run-down as I was due to poor sleep, it would be easy for me to get sick.
Her being out was going to put me further behind. We’d been ridiculously busy, and I’d gotten a little backed up on some tasks. Getting a huge coffee from the break room, I sat down to reply to several emails.
Time got away from me until there was a knock on my door. A quick glance at my phone told me it was damn near lunchtime already.
“Come in!” I called. I’d closed the door to minimize interruptions while I worked.
When the door opened to reveal the man I’d been obsessing over, I sat up straighter. “Alex,” I murmured in surprise.
“Hey. Is it okay if I come in?” He looked over his shoulder, then back to me.
“Um, sure.” He came in and shut the door behind him. I’d forgotten how small he made my office seem. After some hesitation, he sprawled in the chair across from me but didn’t say anything. I waited expectantly.
“He’s not mine.”
At first, I was confused. I wasn’t tracking what he was talking about, and I waited for him to continue or elaborate.
“Hank Isaac. He’s not mine.” It wasn’t apparent how he was taking this news, as his face gave away nothing.
“Oh. Um, how do you feel about that?” I had to ask, because I wasn’t sure if he needed condolences or congratulations.
He shrugged and turned his head slightly as he stared at the wall. “It’s for the best. A relief, you know. The last thing I need in my life’s a kid. Never wanted one anyway, so I guess it all worked out.”
“Now what?”
Again, he shrugged, then met my gaze with eyes that seems colder than I’d ever seen them.
“He’s gone. Avery, one of the ol’ ladies with my brother’s club, had been helping me out with the situation, and turns out one of the guys who plays for Pittsburgh is the father. She’d hit him up with a paternity test before me but dropped him with me because I’m in Texas and she was on her way to Mexico. She didn’t even wait to get any of the fucking tests back.” His lip curled in disgust as he discussed the woman he’d been foolish enough to sleep with.
“So how is he gone already?” I was confused.
“Found out this morning. The father was on my doorstep before I got the official results. He’s actually a pretty decent guy. I played with him in the junior leagues. At least Avery was able to help his attorney set shit up so she can’t come back and try to take the kid. Anyway, it’s probably all for the best.” He shrugged.
Stunned barely described my emotions. His world had taken two one-eighties in barely a week. It was like looking at a stranger. This whole situation seemed to have changed him, and not in a good way. He’d gone from a confident, sometimes bossy asshole, to almost a shell. My chest ached for him.
“So why are you here?”
“I had the gym and then the morning skate. Thought I’d stop in to see you. I’ve missed you.” He said the words, but the lack of emotion in them had me questioning the validity of his statement.
“I missed you too,” I said warily. He was acting so strange that I didn’t know how to process it. “Are you sure you’re okay with all of this?”
He scrubbed his face with his hands but didn’t answer.
“Do you want to have dinner tonight?”
“Okay?” It came out as a question because I was certain this wasn’t the man I knew. Gone was the teasing, happy, snarky guy who had stolen my heart. If he wasn’t sitting in front of me in person, I’d have sworn he was an imposter.
“Cool. I’ll pick you up at about six thirty?” He stood.
“That’s fine,” I replied. He nodded and left the office. No kiss, no sweet words, not even a see you later.
For the rest of the day, I mulled over the incident. He’d literally left me reeling.
After my day ended, I texted him to find out what I should wear. We hadn’t discussed where we’d be eating.
Me: What should I wear tonight?
Biker Boy: I’m sorry, I need to reschedule. Something came up.
Me: Okay. Sure. Is everything okay?
Biker Boy: Yeah
Except he never rescheduled.
For the game Tuesday night, I decided to use the tickets he’d gotten for me. Not once did I notice him look my way. He played aggressively, and they managed to win, despite his multiple penalties during the game. Not that he was the only one; the penalties were flying left and right on both sides.
I waited by his car for him, but then chickened out when the players started to come out. I’d decided it might not be a good idea to have witnesses. If he was blowing me off because he was done with me, then I wasn’t going to risk my job.
Besides, I wasn’t feeling great and I was convinced Katie had gotten me sick.
They had an away game on Friday night, then a home game Saturday, but I watched it from the couch because I’d been sick all week. They’d lost the away game but won the home game.
By Monday, I was still sick and I had to call in. Jake came by after he got off work and brought me soup and crackers.
“Jesus. You look like shit,” he said as he wrinkled his nose.
“Thanks,” I said as I lay on my couch. “You might not want to get too close because I think I have the flu.”
“Oh don’t worry, sis, I’m not getting in sneezing distance of you.” He set the to-go bowl of soup from my favorite restaurant on the coffee table.
“I’m feeling the love,” I grumbled. The scent of the soup wafted over, and for a second, I salivated. Then my stomach rebelled. “Ugh! Get it away!”
He quickly scooped it up and took it to the kitchen. “Don’t you dare puke!”
“I’m good now.” I groaned as I pulled my covers over my head.
“Well, no offense, but I’m gonna take off. Do you need anything before I go?” he asked from the kitchen.
“Uh-uh. I just wanna sleep,” I said as my eyes got heavy.
“Well, call or text if you do. I’m only about ten minutes away now.” He’d moved into a new apartment that was closer to me. It made me happy that we’d been closer since I’d moved home, but then he’d moved to a nicer apartment in my area, which made it better yet.
“Okay,” I murmured.
I was barely cognizant of the click of my door as I drifted off to sleep again.
“Ashes of Eden”—Breaking Benjamin
When I left her office on Monday, I was starting to pull myself out of the funk I’d been in since Isaac’s father and his attorney came to pick him up. It didn’t seem possible that in a week, I’d become attached to that tiny human.
Considering I’d never wanted to be a father, the idea had started to grow on me as much as that little guy had. I’d venture a guess that I actually cared about him. More than a little.
“Alex.” I heard my name called from down the hall and paused. I knew exactly who it was.
My eyes closed, and I whispered, “Fuck.”
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Simon demanded quietly so as not to be overheard.
“Walking down the hall?” I opened my eyes and met his angry gaze.
“Don’t get fucking smart. I warned you to stay the hell away from her.”
“Yeah, but it turns out it wasn’t my kid. Surely you’ve heard.” I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of my voice.
“I don’t give two shits. You’re still the same guy. You don’t have your shit together, and gossip and scandal will forever follow you because you can’t seem to grow up,” he ground out.
“How the hell would you know? I own my own home, have a car, a motorcycle, and a motherfucking cat. I’m not in debt, my
credit is good. What more do you want from me?” I held my arms out as I tipped my head at him.
“I want you to stay away from my niece. All she wanted was to get a job that she enjoyed. She has that. By dating you, she’s jeopardizing that. If she loses this job, she’ll be pressured to work for her father, my brother. He loves her but he doesn’t always know what’s best for her. She’ll be miserable. Is that what you want for her? You may not care because your life is so goddamn perfect, but I worry about her happiness. So this is the last time I’ll tell you. Stay the hell away from her, or you’re done. You’ll never play hockey again. I. Will. Ruin. You.” He glared at me, and I shook my head with a disgusted huff.
“Maybe you should let her decide what makes her happy instead of assuming. Because it sounds to me like you’re not much different than her father.”
Pissed and afraid I’d say something that would provoke him to follow through on his threat, I walked off. Deciding it would be best if I didn’t stick around, I left the building. The entire way home, I fumed.
When I got there, I was boiling.
Deciding to work off some of my frustration, I went straight to my gym and worked out until I was dripping sweat and could barely move. Chest heaving, I stared at myself in the mirror.
Then I went to Isaac’s room and started throwing everything in the boxes they’d brought it in. I disassembled the furniture and dragged it out to the garage. Not satisfied that I could still see it, I threw a tarp over it.
Still the anger surged within me.
If I couldn’t figure out a way to get Simon off my back, I was going to lose Sydney. In a week’s time, it seemed like I was going to lose everything that meant a damn to me. The only thing I had left was hockey, and it seemed a cold fucking bedfellow.
“Arrrrggghhhh!” I yelled as I buried my fist in the sheetrock over the tarp-covered pile. Then I did it again. My fists dripped blood on the concrete floor.
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