Absolution

by Neha Yazmin

  She would remember the night she lost her virginity as just that. The night she first had sex. And then got bitten by a vampire. It had been nothing more than that.

  But it had been everything to me.

  Chapter 17: Mate

  “You did cross paths with The System, didn’t you?” Ellie accused when I remained cocooned in my sullen silence.

  Shaking my head, I said, “Lydia works for them.” Thoughtlessly, I’d divulged even more information I ought to have kept to myself.

  I wasn’t going to tell her I worked for them too.

  “Who’s Lydia?” She raised a suspicious eyebrow.

  “My mate,” I answered. “She’s away for work at the moment.”

  Was it my imagination or did she look a little disappointed when she said, “I take it you don’t mean mate as in your friend, buddy, chum, or pal.”

  I shook my head. “I suppose humans would use the term partner.”

  “Why don’t you use that term?” she asked immediately.

  “I guess we see ourselves as predators, non-humans. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “That’s the word she used after she made me.”

  “Made you? You’re dating the vampire that took your life?” She was completely taken aback by this.

  Nodding, I remembered I’d not mentioned that part. “I was going to become like her anyway. She saw me.”

  “She saw you?”

  “Lydia is psychic. She had a premonition of me as her mate, the two of us together.”

  “How romantic.” Ellie rolled her eyes. “She created you especially for her.”

  I bit my lip, wanting to smile at her jealousy. At the same time, I knew jealous lovers in vampire form are not a laughing matter. “She can never know about you Ellie.” I heard the mild panic in my voice as I recalled the other reasons why she had to stay away from Lydia and our government. “You have to make sure you’re never, ever, on The System’s radar, do you understand?”

  Rolling her eyes again, she said, “Don’t worry Christian, I promise not to tell your mate about us.” Then something occurred to her and she was intensely serious. “So, do you routinely cheat on her?” she asked, slightly disgusted. “I mean, do you sleep with all your… meals first?”

  “I did not plan to… to have sex with you. But I wanted-”

  “A one night stand,” she offered, cutting me off.

  I nodded. “For the lack of a better term, yes. It was your fault, really.” She noted the accusation in my tone. “You said you could like me and I could tell you wanted to stay with me. So really, you are just as much to blame.”

  Ellie found this funny and let out a chuckle. “Christian, are you apologising for taking my innocence and my life in the same hour?” Her tone was light but it made me feel guilty and I looked away.

  “If I didn’t…” she began. “If I didn’t make it seem like I wouldn’t mind being seduced by you, you would have just killed me by the door instead of kissing me, right?”

  “I would have killed you as soon as you walked through the door.” Well, that had been the plan. A plan I became reluctant to follow through with since I first saw her. “But it was before, when you said you could have feelings for me. Something strange happened to me, and I wanted you in more ways than one.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” She gave me a small smile. “I’m glad I didn’t die a virgin.”

  She was letting me off the hook so easily and I didn’t like this one bit. She ought to be judging me, accusing me of ending her human life. She should hate me for everything I’d done to her. I did.

  “Though I admire your sense of humour at a time like this,” I said, finally brushing aside enough guilt to speak, “you cannot deny that you hate the fact that you slept with your killer moments before he killed you. The human in you, anyway. And then turned you into a monster.”

  “But you didn’t kill me, not completely. Why?”

  “It wasn’t something I planned, believe me!” I snapped.

  “But it was actually because…?” she asked when I remained quiet. “Christian,” she pressed, “I know why I became like this, technically. But if you meant to drain me till I was an empty corpse, why did you stop drinking?”

  “That was your fault too,” I snapped.

  “How?” she snapped back.

  I wasn’t sure how to answer this but I had to give her something close to the truth. I’d already told her a few lies, hidden a few truths, and kept a few details discreet, so what did it matter if I offered a slightly distorted version of the truth?

  “You tasted…” Delicious. Heavenly. I can still taste it on my tongue. The best I’ve ever had. “You did not taste good.”

  “Thanks,” she said sarcastically.

  “Well, you tasted wrong,” I murmured, “and it terrified me.” This was true. It did scare me. “I just had to get away before it… I managed to heave most of it out of me but the rest… The rest just made me feel ill. When I was myself again, I realised it was too late. You were probably already like me. And you are.”

  “Huh,” was all she said for a while, contemplating. “So…” she began but halted for a few seconds before continuing. “What happens to mistakes like me?” It almost sounded like she might cry when she asked that, her features forlorn.

  It almost broke my stone heart.

  I knew what she was thinking, as though she was telling me herself. As a human baby, she’d been a mistake. As a newborn vampire, she was no different. After giving birth to Ellie, her mother got stuck with her. Ellie didn’t think that would be the case with me.

  I had to say something to distract her but what she deserved was the answer to her question. I couldn’t bring myself to give it to her yet. “I gain nothing by killing you,” I said, my tone flat. “And you’re too strong for me now, anyway. Of course, I have contemplated the notion that you would want to destroy me for creating you, taking your life, but I had to return to you before you left my flat. I couldn’t let you roam the streets without knowing the rules.”

  “You still haven’t answered my question.”

  “I told you, I already have a mate.”

  “I’ll go off on my own then,” she said brightly.

  “That is probably best,” I agreed, averting her gaze.

  Looking back, this is the part that I hate the most. Sending her into the unknown, all on her own, simply because I couldn’t do my job and kill her and was too afraid of letting her go on to do hers.

  “Ellie, I am sorry that I cannot guide you further.”

  “I’m sorry I tasted so bad,” she laughed and I made myself join in as she stood up.

  Already, I found myself missing her. I had never been ready to kill her and now I wasn’t ready to let her go.

  “Ellie,” I called as she headed for the door. Stay with me a little longer. Stay with me forever. “Wait until its dark.”

  Chapter 18: Connection

  The way Ellie was adjusting to her unexpected circumstances was impressive. Rational thought and such self-control amongst newborns is extremely rare. Then again, she wasn’t the average newborn vampire. Had her Slayer gene somehow better equipped her to this new life? Mentally shaking my head, I deduced that it couldn’t have.

  Slayers aren’t meant to be vampires, they’re meant to slay them.

  Nonetheless, it seemed to come very naturally to her.

  As she sat back down on my bed, I brought up the topic of her family. “You’ll miss your sister. She’s the only one you’ll really miss.”

  Her face hardened at my words. But it was a defence mechanism. I could tell, because as she said, “I don’t want to talk about her,” she pinched the bridge of her nose, closed her eyes. She was in pain. Ellie didn’t want to think about never seeing her sister again. It hurt too much. She would probably avoid thinking about the little girl.

  Cut her out so she could leave her behind.

  “Heather’s a good kid,” she breathed out eventually. “It will be
strange not having breakfast with her every morning. Not rolling our eyes at the same time whenever mum lectures me.” A grin graced her sombre face as she recalled those sweet memories.

  “I’m sorry you can’t resolve the issues with your mother,” I said softly.

  She raised her eyebrows at me, but almost instantly her surprise faded and she nodded. “I had a feeling that you were following me. I guess you heard everything the night I left home?”

  I nodded.

  “And you were watching me since the day we met?”

  I nodded my lie.

  “How did you know so much about Selma?”

  This time I had to openly lie. “I heard the teachers talk.” I shrugged. “And I had you down as a Classics girl,” I added because I’d mentioned her love for such books that day.

  “You definitely paid attention to the details,” she said with mock approval.

  “I needed to gain your trust,” I muttered to myself.

  “And you succeeded.”

  “Do you want to talk about what happened between you and your mother?” I asked to shift the spotlight back on her family issues.

  “No! Do you want to talk about what happened between you and your mother?” she snapped, a challenge in her tone.

  I laughed. “Nothing happened between me and my mother. By the time I returned to London after my conversion, both my parents had been killed. And it was because of me.”

  “I’m sorry,” she said, genuinely remorseful. “Was it the good guys or the bad guys that did it?”

  “They’re all bad guys to me,” I said of the government and the terrorists.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  Turning so our eyes met, I whispered, “It’s not your fault.”

  She nodded. “I know but I feel bad for bringing it up.”

  “Don’t feel bad about it. It was a hundred years ago.”

  “Does it get… boring?” she asked curiously.

  “What?”

  “Immortality.”

  “Boring isn’t the right word.” My existence was hardly uneventful. “You just need a direction, a purpose. Find something to… live for.” Like my job, I thought.

  “Like your mate?” she suggested.

  Again, I nodded my lie.

  “Tell me more about her,” Ellie asked eagerly. “About her gift.”

  “She can see into the future. That’s why The System recruited her. They almost always need her because she can guide them on every mission, every job, every thing. So, she’s almost always away on work.”

  “And you get lonely,” Ellie deduced.

  I flinched. I do feel lonely, even when I’m with Lydia. I would feel very lonely when Ellie left. Before I let those emotions show on my face, I changed the subject. “We also have to move around a lot, all over the world. When we come home, to London, we can’t return to the same place again, not for a few years. Just to be on the safe-side. The System encourages our kind to be mobile. They wanted to recruit me too, but I refused.” Well, I refused the first time they asked - I wasn’t keen on working for another secret organisation - but Lydia and Mac were very persuasive.

  “Why, what special power do you have?” she almost scoffed. I knew we were eventually going to get around to talking about my special abilities, and I would have to tell her all about my shield so I wasn’t bothered by this question. In fact, I’d intentionally led her to it.

  “You didn’t notice?” I raised an eyebrow. “How I can shield myself from view?”

  “You appear out of the blue!” She seemed to have an ah-ha! moment, a light-bulb flashing above her head. “But you’re actually there all along, just hiding yourself?”

  “When I first spoke to you in front of your friends, you didn’t think it strange that they completely forgot about us?” She was thoughtful as I continued. “I can make you think that I’m not there, that you can’t see me, as well as anyone else I want to hide within my shield.”

  “Like an invisibility cloak that you can wear whenever you want and drape over whomever you want?” she suggested excitedly.

  “It’s your mind that I throw a blind-spot on, actually. I can make myself completely invisible to the whole world if I want. I can even throw my shield onto Lydia’s foresight, so she can’t see my future. It took me half a century to perfect it, but it was worth the effort.” Never more was I grateful of that skill then at this moment. I felt so relieved that Ellie’s future would always be off Lydia’s radar.

  “Wow. So why does Lydia see the future but you have this cloak?”

  “I think it has something to do with what special gifts or abilities we had as a human. So much of who we were intensifies in this life. Lydia used to have premonition-like dreams. When she told her mother about them, and how many had come true in some way or the other, her family thought she was a witch and threw her out. This was a couple of centuries ago, when they believed almost everything this generation assigns the term fantasy to. Then her creator found her and… And I was very good at blending into the background. Out of sight, out of mind.”

  “That’s hardly a gift.”

  “Like I said, I’m not sure what the reason is. There are some people who The System has created specifically because they thought he or she would have a special power, but it never materialised.”

  “Such as…?”

  “So-called psychics… men and women who seemed to go unnoticed by their peers… people who claimed to be able to hear other peoples’ thoughts…”

  “Did they raid the local mental hospital to find these people?” she joked.

  “Pretty much,” I laughed and Ellie joined in.

  “Do you think I have a special power?” she asked curiously, hopefully.

  “No,” I replied immediately. This was not a conversation I wanted to have with her. She could never know what powers she had. Who she really was. “I mean, you would know if you did.”

  Ellie didn’t like this answer and the sulky teenager in her resurfaced. “Was Lydia already working for The System when she made you?” There was a challenge in her tone.

  I knew exactly what she was getting at and narrowed my eyes. “Yes, why?”

  “Are you sure she created you to be her mate or to join her employer?”

  Lydia created me for her employer, for Mac. I didn’t admit it but Ellie had figured it out anyway.

  “Does she even love you?” she pressed.

  “Yes!” I snapped at her. “But I’m not naïve enough to think that my potential abilities weren’t a factor in her decision to make me,” I admitted bitterly. “Lydia’s always been very efficient. So, its 10pm now,” I added quickly. I did not want to talk about love and relationships and Lydia anymore.

  Not with Ellie. Not like this.

  There was no sign to suggest that she’d been upset by my abruptness. In fact, she seemed relieved to be finally leaving.

  Relief wasn’t what I felt as I envisioned her walking out of this room, out of my life.

  I’d miss her and think about her all the time, I was sure of it.

  “Where will you go, Ellie?” I asked her when she opened the front door.

  She turned to face me and I saw in her face everything I’d never had or wanted but had still lost forever.

  “London,” she answered. “That’s where… where I need to be.”

  “Happy birthday, by the way.” I tried to make my smile appear genuine but it wasn’t pasted on my face long enough for her to see the sadness behind it. “And really,” I added sternly, “do stay out of their way, please.”

  Ellie knew who I was referring to. The System. She just didn’t know they were her enemy. I would do my all to protect her from them. Somehow I thought I couldn’t make her completely non-existent to them, because to do that, it would take me off their radar too. So, she could only be kept from the awareness of those I myself would be invisible to.

  That was fine. As long as Lydia couldn’t see Ellie’s future, it would keep her
out of The System’s path. I myself was physically invisible to most of the organisation and most vampires in general, so if in the unlikely event that Lydia sent out a search party, they wouldn’t see Ellie.

  I was also cloaked from The Council and so they wouldn’t be able to find Ellie on the many searches they would organise to locate their missing Slayer. There was no need to worry about their psychic witch Amber - we’d known for a long time that she didn’t see the futures of our kind.

  Ellie would be fine and for some unfathomable reason I thought that I would know if she wasn’t. I would be able to sense her.

  As she left the flat, I closed my eyes and pictured her in my mind and…

  My eyes reopened abruptly. What? I could almost see what she was seeing… hear what she was thinking… feel what she was feeling…

  Shaking my head, I realised how ridiculous I was being. It was just my imagination, I insisted. Of course I couldn’t connect with her that way! How absurd! But I could feel her. Right in that little hole her poison had dug in my heart. The pink glow that had taken residence in that space, a combination of Ellie’s red blood and that bright white light that had filled me after we made love, was something I could never prove but I knew it was there.

  It was my soul, it was Ellie.

  She was in my heart.

  She was a part of me.

  Chapter 19: Atonement

  She is my heart. She is a part of me. I can feel her. I try not to, obviously. But sometimes, when she feels any strong emotion, Ellie projects them on to me. It’s not projection, not really.

  We’re just… bonded.

  Now it occurs to me that the warm feeling that took me to the floor in the middle of my run, my chase of this elusive vampire Kristy, might actually be love blossoming in Ellie’s heart. Feelings so strong that I am sensing it all these miles away.

  Sensing them as though they are my own.

  Well, it wouldn’t be the first time her emotions have affected me. Her reverence of human life, her instinct to protect rather than prey on people, has changed the outlook I have on my own existence. The idea of taking another human life is one I cannot entertain for long, not without retching anyway.