What wasn't shitty was the magical reflection of the sun that danced with the waves. The long grass that grew from between the rocks swayed with the wind. The clouds looked pure white and magnificent in size.
Remy's soothing snores rumbled and echoed in the cave. Pablo laid at the entrance of the cave looking out at the view. He wiggled his nose as if he was enjoying the fresh air, oblivious to our dire situation.
When I tried to get out of Remy's hold, he held onto me tighter. He did it in his subconscious and he was still snoring in his sleep. The firmness of his grip made me lay there for a little while longer.
I wondered if my friends and family knew I was missing yet. If they did, they must have thought I died.
Time passed fast and slow on this island. Slow when we were in a storm and our bodies are cold and wet. Fast when the waters are still, the birds were flying overhead, and when there was plenty of food and water.
We've been lucky to have fresh water with all the rain that has filled our collection tank.
Today felt different. There was this feeling in my stomach. A feeling I got when something didn't seem right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I wondered if it was my imagination running wild, delusional from the isolation.
Remy finally woke up. I felt him kiss my neck. It was a sensitive spot on my body and he knew exactly how to get me riled up.
"Good morning, handsome," he said.
"Finally awake, sleepyhead?" I said.
I turned around and stroked his beard which was getting scruffier by the day. It made me even more attracted to his ruggedness.
I zoned out and looked up at the top of the rocky cave.
"Is something on your mind?" He asked.
"Yeah, I've gone crazy," I said.
"If you're crazy, I must be too. What are you crazy about?"
"Well, I can't tell if I'm becoming delusional from the isolation."
"Delusional? Are you seeing or hearing things?"
"The opposite actually. My mind feels quiet, even though we're fucked."
Remy looked up at me, he interlocked his fingers together with mine.
"You know now that you mention it, my mind feels the same way. You think it has to do with the fact that we aren't bombarded by all this pressure and fear of the modern world?"
I looked over at Remy, there was a twinkle in his eyes.
"Like social media and stuff?"
"Yeah, the ability to live day by day here feels good. To not know what tomorrow brings is refreshing. There's no one I have to impress except you."
"Do you feel a lot of pressure on the job?" I asked.
"Yeah, that must be why I drink so much. I have people who work for me with families. They all have mouths to feed, roofs to put over their heads. If we ever have a bad season, I'd disappoint so many people. Seeing the look on their faces when we run dry is heartbreaking."
"And how about now?" I paused to try to think of the right words. "Now that this tragedy happened. What's going on in your head?"
"In a way, it's freeing now that everything has perished away. Everything is up in the air and there is a certainty that I fucked up. Nothing is fixable as of right now. The worst has happened, yet I'm still alive."
Remy sighed in relief and kissed my lips.
"We should see what Drake is up to. Let's make amends with him and get him out of that bad mood," Remy suggested.
We got up and out of the cave, Pablo led the way, hopping through the tall grass and the fallen trees in the small forest.
There was something different about Drake's site and that feeling in my stomach grew. Drake wasn't there, and the emergency box wasn't either.
I took a few steps to the edge of the island where we tied up the boat. It was gone.
Remy and I both looked at each other. I wanted to say something but nothing came out of my mouth. We both knew Drake didn't take the boat for a joyride. He had left for good and had fucked us over by leaving us here.
"What the fuck!" Remy finally blurted. "No fucking way."
Remy punched the shed that Drake built and it collapsed on the ground. Pablo scurried in fear. I ran up to Remy to hold him, his heart was racing when I leaned my face on his chest.
I grabbed his hand to unclench his fists and held them in mine.
I had never seen him this angry before and he was like an untamed beast. But I held onto him tight, closing my eyes in fear and feeling his pain.
Pablo came up to us and laid between our feet, panting. Even he knew something was not right. I looked out onto the quiet horizon, no boat in sight.
We held onto an ounce of hope that Drake would return. That he only headed out to the other islands trying to find the rest of the crew. We held onto the hope that there was a reason why he took off without warning. That he was a good person. That we weren't fucked.
Then a day passed.
Then a few more.
We stared out into the empty horizon without a sign of anything or anyone.
I laid under a tall tree with Pablo on my lap and Remy next to me. I felt a flood of emotions overwhelm me and I broke down crying. I tried to stay strong but I couldn't. It was all too much and the thought of dying danced in the back of my mind. Remy ran his hands down my back and tucked my teary face into his neck.
"Baby boy, don't cry. It's going to be alright. I promise," Remy said.
"It's not going to be fucking okay, we're fucked!" I cried out.
"We'll get out of this, it's okay."
"How?" I asked. "How in the world are we going to get out of here without a boat?"
"I'm sure we can build a raft or an S.O.S. sign here so we will get noticed."
"It's no use, Remy. We've been here for God knows how many days, we haven't seen anyone."
"Well, we have to hold onto a bit of faith, buddy. Hope is all we have here."
I swallowed some of my tears and looked him in his eyes. He looked out into the horizon with furrowed brows as if he knew something I didn't. I hoped that his wisdom could save us from this.
"Come on, let's make a plan. We can do this," Remy said.
By now, we had been wearing nothing except underwear. Even those too had started to wear with the harsh conditions. Remy's skin was much darker from the dirt and the sun. He had become more ripped and muscular from our diet of only fish and plantains. With all the manual labor, his arms were thick and his hands were rough and calloused.
I replayed his words in my head, to hold onto a bit of faith. I reminded myself that I wasn't alone. It could have been much worse in isolation, it would have already driven me to insanity. I was with someone I trusted, someone who could protect me, and a dog that supported whatever we decided to do.
"We'll need to build a shed so that we can sleep at a higher altitude. That way, we'll be more alert for when there are boats in the distance," Remy suggested.
"Why don't we fix up the one that Drake built so that we don't waste that much energy? I have to admit he did a damn good job," I said.
"You're right, we should do that. But we should move the materials up in the plateaued area where it's higher up."
"It's goddamn windy up there. I don't know if we can handle the elements."
"The tall grass will protect us here, but we'll also need walls to protect us from the rain and wind."
"You must be insane, we're not going to build something so elaborate on this island."
"Mateo, what else are we going to do? We can at least try."
Remy walked to Drake's site and picked up the first log from the shed and started carrying it through the forest. Pablo followed along.
I watched him disappear into the distance and I too carried some of the materials up to the plateau.
One by one, we built a base that was big enough to house the both of us and the dog. We covered the base with plush leaves that felt like silk on the skin. Then we tied four posts with twine that we braided from long leaves.
On days when it rained, we retreated back to
the cave for warmth and comfort. We took advantage whenever it was sunny and worked all day. Working gave us a distraction from overthinking.
We weren't going to stop anytime soon, and the more we worked on it, the more creative we became with it.
Remy and I constructed four walls that we tied onto the posts. We placed large flat leaves that acted as shingles to protect us from the rain and the wind. There was an opening on one of the walls as a doorway and wood planks that we used as a door.
After many long days, we spent our first night up at the plateau in our cozy shelter.
It was early evening when the sun was setting. Vibrant purples and oranges painted the sky. It was around the time when we could see both the sun and a glimpse of the moon. The bright sky sparkled with blinking stars.
I reached next to me and held onto Remy's hand as we both laid in the tall grass enjoying the beauty in the chaos.
"How many weeks do you think we've been here for?" I asked.
"Weeks? It's closer to a month or two," Remy said.
"You think it's been more than a month?"
"It wouldn't surprise me."
"We should start keeping track, some tallies in the cave would be helpful," I suggested.
"Do you think it would be helpful if we did that or would it make things worse?"
"Why would it make things worse?"
"I mean, what if those tallies start adding up and we begin to run out of room in the cave?" Remy said.
"That didn't cross my mind, but we won't be here for that long. Will we?"
Remy closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"I don't know, Mateo. I don't know."
For the first time, there was defeat in his voice.
*****
When I woke up the next morning, I noticed that Remy wasn't in our shack. For a second, I got worried that he left the island as well like Drake did to us. But then I saw him sitting out in the tall grass staring out into the ocean with Pablo by his side. His muscular back cast dark shadows onto itself.
It was bittersweet being here, a utopia and a dystopia at the same time.
When it rained, it felt like hell. The wet and coldness of our bodies was unbearable and we couldn't start a fire to warm us up. The darkness was horrifying.
When it was sunny and warm, a day like today, it is as if I am transported to a different time and place.
Sometimes, I forgot what real life was like.
I put my hands through vines that we hung off the roof of the shed to protect us from the wind and walked to Remy. He turned around and pulled a tight smile over his face. I could tell there was something on his mind.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked.
"Nothing, just looking out into the water," Remy replied.
I kneeled and sat between his legs, pressing my back on his warm bare chest.
After a few moments of silence, he let out a deep sigh.
"Just thinking about family, that's all."
"You miss them?" I asked.
"Very much so, they're my rock. I wouldn't be the man I am today without them."
"What are they like? Your mom and dad?"
Remy sat up straighter, and when I turned around to look at him, there was a twinkle in his eyes.
"My dad is the most caring person I know. Stoic, a guy that shows no emotions, man of very few words. He's a traditional man, he’s all about the family, good morals, raising good kids."
"Good kids? I thought you were an only child?"
"I am now. I had an older brother, his name's Kyle ... he passed away when we were in high school. Got in a street racing accident."
"How old was he?"
"He was eighteen at the time and I was sixteen. We were all devastated. Absolutely crushed. And no one knew how to handle it."
I felt Remy's heart racing and I put my hand on his thigh to try to calm him but he twitched away.
"My dad started to drink a lot. He stopped crab fishing for many seasons and he would come back from the bar late every night pissed drunk. It was a side of him that I never saw before. It was scary to see."
"What about your mom?"
"My mom was too depressed. She slept in Kyle's room every night. She just couldn't let go. I suggested to throw out all his stuff so that we could start grieving instead of thinking about it all the time. But she refused and resisted."
"Did things change?"
"Well, sort of. Things changed for the worst. My dad got angrier and angrier. He would come home and break things, he would yell at me, and blame me for things that I had no control over. He said I should have told them that I knew Kyle was driving recklessly. He said if I was a better brother that things would be different. He was pissed drunk whenever he said those things and I don't think he even remembers some of the things he said. But I will never forget those words, they're forever engrained in my head."
"I'm sorry that happened to you," I said.
I turned around with my back against the cliff and the water to look him in his eyes. I pictured him as the young teenager that he described with the same handsome features.
"Don't be sorry. It's been over two decades now."
"How did you grow from that experience?"
"I had to toughen up. I felt like I was the only one to see through it. We were dealt a fucking shitty situation and we had to move on or it would kill us all. So I grew up quick in the two years before I moved out. I was cooking meals for my mom, hiding the alcohol from my dad, and cleaning our house which looked like a disaster. I worked two jobs and still went to school as an escape from the crazy environment. I had to be an example for them."
"Did things change?"
"It did for a bit. Both of them realized that it was wrong for me to be caring for them. I overheard them talking in their bedroom one day. They talked for hours and they didn't think I was home but I was. They talked about their sadness, their hurt, and their frustrations. They talked about how they noticed how I was being such a good kid and that I didn't deserve any more suffering. Then they talked to me after."
"What did they say?" I asked.
"They thanked me for helping them get through it. They got over it just like that. I remember that day vividly when they changed from zero to a hundred, just back to themselves after one conversation. Talking about it made it better. And so my dad started working again and my mom finally decided to turn Kyle's room into a study where she went to paint. She channeled all her anger and frustration into these beautiful landscape paintings."
"And your dad?"
"He changed from fishing in the Bering Sea to the Atlantic to be closer to us. The first season after that long hiatus was the most successful season yet."
"How do you feel about the situation now? I know it's been a long time since what happened. Do you still talk to your parents about it?"
"It's less devastating now that so much time has passed. My brother was a good kid who made a bad mistake. I wish he was still here all the time, he was my best friend."
13
Remy
The way his hazel eyes glistened in the water when we were talking made me want to kiss him. I couldn't sleep the night before with the intrusive thoughts of my brother and my family in my mind. But after I let it out, I felt so much lighter. It was another beautiful day here on the island. The longer we were here, the more I felt the urge to want to be here forever with Mateo.
I picked a fresh coconut from ones we collected yesterday. I opened it with the machete giving Mateo the first sip of the sweet juice.
"That's enough about me for today. Tell me about your family," I said.
"Where do I begin," Mateo laughed. "It's big on my mom's side. A lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins, I guess the people I spent the most time with. I don't know much about my dad's family. They moved to America when he was young and he and his brother stayed there to run a restaurant. There was a time in Venezuela when times were good and the country had a lot of money. But there was a lot of corrupt
ion. Since my mom and dad were poor, neither of them had an easy life growing up there."
"My mom was forced out of her house when she was thirteen into the city to work and make money for the family. She was the oldest and she had seven younger siblings who got to stay together. I always asked her how she felt about it. But her reply was always that that's how things were, there wasn't any time for feelings. She ended up moving with her aunt working in a factory at an early age. She gave most of her paycheque every month to pay rent to my aunt, then the rest to her parents to feed the family. The aunt wasn't very nice to her, she saw my mom as a burden and my mom rebelled by not listening to her. Eventually, she got kicked out and she had to move in with distant relatives who treated her worse. Though she never talked about it, I imagined for her life to be very lonely. She didn’t have a strong support system and the comfort of being with the rest of her family. I imagined it to be scary, to not have anyone to care for her."
Remy by the Sea Page 9