I Wished For You

by Colette Davison

  "It'll get easier," Matt said softly once they'd all got back into the cab. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will."

  Words of wisdom from Matt, the serial romantic. Seb pressed his lips together, forcing himself to rein in his bitter thoughts. Matt wanted a long-lasting relationship. The guy was just seriously unlucky in love.

  "How long?" he asked instead. "How long will I feel this cut up and hollow?" And stupid and used. He should have seen that things were going wrong between him and Craig, but he'd been utterly oblivious.

  Matt shrugged. "I don't know." He sounded apologetic, like he really did want to be able to give Seb a concrete answer. "Do whatever you need to do to get over it," Matt went on. "If you want to shout, scream, or cry, do it. If you just want to go out and get drunk again, do it."

  Seb nodded. He wasn't sure what would make him feel better. The hangover he'd nursed the whole of Saturday definitely hadn't helped. What he wanted was for the hurt and anger that was coiling up inside him to vanish, but there was no magic wand to wave to make that happen.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Connor

  'After work on Friday' had turned into Friday lunchtime, when Seb convinced Matt and Connor to take the afternoon off so they could get to the campsite with daylight to spare. Connor's boss at the garage had been pretty laid-back about it, so after an early start, Connor was home by eleven in order to wash a morning's worth of grease and grime away. Connor couldn't say he was looking forward to the weekend. He enjoyed spending time with Seb and Matt, but camping in November wasn't exactly on his bucket list.

  He'd had never been camping. Even though most of his friends had joined the Scouts, Connor hadn't. Nor had he gone on any of the residential trips with school. His mum had needed him, so going away, even for a weekend, hadn't been an option.

  His eyes snagged on the calendar on the wall, homing in on the date as he entered his tiny flat. He didn't need to write down the anniversary of his mum's death; it was ingrained in his memory. Normally, both Matt and Seb remembered and made sure to do something to at least distract him, even if they couldn't cheer him up. He guessed Seb must have forgotten this year. Not that Connor was mad. Seb was dealing with the shittiest breakup ever. He was the one who needed cheering up. Connor could act like Saturday was a normal day. But first, he had to get showered, get packed, and get his friends to the campsite.

  Just over an hour later, he'd made his way over to Matt's place. After a bit of juggling, they had everything in the car and were ready to go.

  "Don't you think we have a bit too much stuff for a couple of nights?" Connor asked as he stared at how full his car was. Granted, his car wasn't big, but he hated not being able to see out the rear-view mirror. "Do we need that many blankets?"

  "Do you want to be cold overnight?" Matt asked. "Because I don't."

  "You're a wuss," Seb said, chuckling. "We'll be fine with a sleeping bag each." He waggled his eyebrows. "Or we could all pile onto that double blow-up mattress of yours and snuggle." He wrapped his arms around his chest and swayed from side to side as he spoke.

  "No fucking snuggling!" Matt folded his arms. "You two can take your blankets out if you want, but mine stay put. And when you're both freezing your arses off, I'll get to say I told you so whilst being toasty warm. Anyway, Connor's camping stove isn't exactly small."

  "I told you we're not living off beans for the whole weekend."

  "As long as you're the one doing the cooking," Matt replied.

  Connor forced himself to laugh. "Yeah, I'll do the cooking. I wouldn't want to get food poisoning."

  Matt let out an exaggerated gasp. "I'm offended."

  "He's right though," Seb said. "Shotgun." Seb ducked into the passenger seat before Matt had a chance to object.

  "I've got longer legs than you," Matt grumbled.

  "You can call shotgun on the way back."

  "At least pull your seat forward a bit," Matt said as he folded himself into the back seat, behind Seb.

  "Suck it up, Buttercup."

  "You realise he'll complain the whole way there if you don't?" Connor asked Seb.

  "Fine." Seb pulled his seat forward, giving Matt a little more room in the back. "I get to choose the music though."

  "Nope," Connor said. "I'm driving, so the music is my choice. You don't like that rule? Learn to drive yourself."

  Seb stared at him for a second before replying with a grin and a mock salute. "Yes, sir!"

  Connor smiled as he clicked his seat belt in place and then pulled away from the kerb. Trust his friends to lift his spirits, even though they'd probably forgotten they needed lifting.

  The campsite was a couple of hours away, but the drive passed quickly as they talked, and Matt and Seb took turns moaning about Connor's taste in music. Interestingly, Craig didn't come up in conversation even once. Connor doubted that Seb had got over the breakup so quickly. He hoped his friend wasn't suppressing how he was really feeling in order to keep the mood light and fun. The irony of that didn't fail to strike him, but they couldn't both spend the weekend pretending everything was okay.

  They arrived mid-afternoon, as the light was starting to get weak. Thankfully, the sky was a pale shade of blue with only the occasional white wispy cloud. There was very little wind, which would make putting the tent up easier. They were given a map of the site and directions on how to drive to their pitch, which was in the bottom field. Surprisingly, they weren't the only ones fool enough to go camping in November, but most of the pitches were occupied by caravans and camper vans rather than tents.

  "Do either of you know how to put up a tent?" Connor asked as he drove slowly down a narrow dirt road towards their pitch.

  It was probably a question he should have asked days ago, but for some reason, it hadn't occurred to him that they wouldn't know how. Sometimes, he had an overinflated sense of what his two friends could do.

  "I went camping as a kid," Seb said.

  "But did you put the tent up?"

  "Well… no… but how hard can it be?" Seb turned round in his seat. "Your tent has instructions, right?"

  Connor glanced in the rear-view mirror in time to see Matt shrug.

  "I guess so. I never got it out."

  "So, you haven't even checked to see if all the pieces are there?" Seb asked.

  "Why wouldn't they be?"

  Seb flapped his mouth open and closed a few times. "You're supposed to check."

  Matt snorted. "It'll be fine."

  Their pitch was in the last field, a few feet away from a river that was overlooked by trees with skeletally bare branches. So far, they were the only ones camping there.

  "I paid for time in the showers," Seb told them.

  "We have to pay to use the showers?" Matt asked, disbelief making his voice squeak comically.

  "Yup."

  They'd passed the shower blocks on the way down. They consisted of a couple of permanent, one-storey buildings that also housed toilets. They were a bit of a trek from their pitch, especially in the dark. The boundary of the triangular campsite was marked on the longest side by the river and a forest on the other two.

  "Apparently there's miles of walks if we head onto the forest trails," Seb went on. "Maybe once we've pitched the tent, we can go for a walk?"

  "Sounds good," Connor said.

  Seb had been right. The tent wasn't that hard to put up. It was a bit of a pain, especially due to its height. Matt had bought an octagonal eight-man tent, which was tall enough for most people to stand up in the centre.

  "You can tell you were trying to get laid," Seb joked as he worked the foot pump to blow up Matt's mattress. "Even if you were up for snuggling, I think this thing will be way too cosy for the three of us to sleep on."

  "No snuggling!"

  "You need to stop teasing him," Connor said.

  "But it's so much fun," Seb objected.

  "I got you both camp beds," Matt said indignantly. "The mattress is all mine."

  Seb st
opped pumping. "Hmm… we're on this trip for my birthday. I should get the mattress." He looked to Connor for support.

  Connor shook his head, refusing to be pulled into the good-natured argument. He took one of the camp beds from Matt, sat down on the ground mat, and pulled out the contents.

  "No chance," Matt said.

  Seb kicked the foot pump towards him. "You'd best get to work, then. I'm going to finish getting stuff from the car."

  "Don't sulk," Matt called after him.

  Seb put his middle finger up as he sauntered out of the tent. Matt carried on pumping up the mattress, the wheezing sound of the bellows filling the tent.

  "Are you okay?" Matt asked after a few minutes.

  Connor looked up. He'd almost done making the first camp bed, which had been a quick and easy task. "Of course."

  Matt paused and raised his eyebrows. "Really? Because you were quieter than normal the whole drive."

  "Just thinking, I guess."

  "About tomorrow?"

  Connor paused, his lips barely parted. Matt hadn't forgotten. "Yeah, but it doesn't matter."

  "What doesn't matter?" Seb asked as he wandered back into the tent, arms laden down with cans of beer.

  "Tomorrow," Matt said bluntly.

  Connor felt his cheeks burn as Seb stared at him. "It's nothing. This weekend is about cheering you up."

  He turned his face away from Seb and finished pulling the thick canvas over the frame before setting the camp bed on its feet. He reached for the second bag but froze, painfully aware that his friends were watching him intently.

  "Oh, shit," Seb breathed. "I forgot. I'm sorry. I wouldn't have picked this weekend if—"

  "This weekend is about you." Connor clenched his teeth and then rocked back onto his heels. "Besides, she's been gone for a long time. It's not like it's new and raw for me. I'll be fine."

  The anniversary of her death, her birthday, and Christmas were the hardest times, when the memories all came flooding back. He'd been sixteen when she died, but he'd lost her a long time before that.

  Seb crossed his arms. "This weekend is for the three of us to have fun and let loose a little. But if you're not feeling up to doing that, say the word, and we can go home." He deposited the beer at the edge of the tent and then sat cross-legged on the floor beside Connor. "Be honest. I won't be upset."

  "I'm fine," Connor assured him. "I'm here to have fun, just like you two."

  "Okay," Seb said, squeezing his shoulder. "But let us know if you need to talk, okay?"

  Connor swallowed, focusing on the patch of warmth that Seb's hand left behind. "I will." Words couldn't do justice to the amount of gratitude he felt in that moment.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Matt

  After they'd finished setting up their camp, they made the best use of the remaining daylight by heading into the woods for a walk. Matt trudged along at the back, watching his two friends closely. They were chatting about everything and nothing, occasionally looking back to try to rope him into the conversation. Connor's expression was always nervous at those points, like he knew Matt was too busy worrying about them both to keep up with what was being said. Of course Connor knew. All three of them knew each other better than anyone else. They'd been friends for… forever. Well, almost forever.

  He'd met Seb in nursery, and then they'd gone to primary school together. For whatever reason, they'd gravitated towards each other and become firm friends. When Connor had transferred to the primary school halfway through their last year, they'd realised he needed a friend, or two.

  They'd helped each other through some tough times since then. There was very little they didn't know about each other. So Matt knew when his friends were trying to put on a brave face, and they knew when he was wound up with worry.

  After about an hour, Connor dropped back so he was walking alongside Matt.

  "You realise it's my turn to ask you if you're okay?" Connor tried to smile as he spoke, but the action was obviously forced.

  "Does that make it my turn to lie and say I am?"

  Connor's expression fell.

  "I'm sorry," Matt said, pulling his hand over his face. "That was harsh of me."

  "I just don't want to ruin the weekend by moping."

  "I get that." Matt stuffed his hands into his pockets. "But I don't want you to feel like you have to keep everything to yourself." He raised his voice. "I don't want either of you to feel that way."

  Seb stopped and waited for them to catch up. "I don't. Trust me, after we get back to camp and have some food, I intend on getting drunk and pouring my heart out to the two of you. Get ready with the tiny violins," he added with a wink. "You'll need them when I'm indulging in my pity party."

  Matt laughed. "I'm glad you're doing so well," he said in a sarcastic tone. "Have you heard from Craig at all?"

  Seb's eyes became downcast. "No."

  "Have you contacted him?" Connor asked.

  Seb shook his head. "I doubt there's any point." He kicked at a stone on the path. "It's over. I have to accept that and move on."

  "Is that what you want?" Connor pressed.

  Seb rolled his eyes upwards. "I honestly don't think what I want matters. Craig was really clear that we were over. And like you said, given how cowardly and petty he's been, I'm probably better off without him anyway." He rubbed at his eyes, which were glistening with tears. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this conversation."

  "You're not drunk at all," Matt pointed out.

  Seb tapped him on the chest. "Exactly. Neither are either of you. You're not leaving me to drink alone, you know." He pulled the crumpled campsite map out of his coat pocket. "This is a circular route, so we should end up back at the campsite soon."

  Matt rubbed a circle on his stomach. "Good, because I'm starving. You're still up for cooking, right, Con?"

  "Yes."

  Both Connor and Seb turned to start walking again, but Matt caught hold of their arms, looping his own through them so he was in the middle. He pulled them so their shoulders were brushing against his.

  "I want you both to know I'm there for you."

  "We do," Connor assured him.

  "You're getting slushy," Seb warned.

  "But I'm so good at it," Matt said in an over-the-top voice. "The ladies love it."

  "Yeah, yeah, you keep telling yourself that. There's a reason you're single right now," Seb jibed.

  "I can't believe you just said that!"

  "I can," Connor said with a shrug.

  They all cracked up laughing, and for the first time since they'd got into Connor's car, Matt felt that there was a lightness in the air around them. Seb's grin was wide, whilst Connor's dark eyes were sparkling again. Damn Craig for dumping Seb. As for Connor… well, he knew from his own experience of losing his dad that grief didn't just go away because days, months, or even years had passed. It was always there, but special dates made it more acute. Just because you could cope three hundred and sixty-two days of the year didn't mean you could cope for the other three.

  Matt pulled his arms away from theirs and wrapped them round their necks, pulling them towards him in a big bear hug. "I love you guys," he said.

  "I thought you didn't want to snuggle?" Seb joked as he twisted to embrace Matt in return.

  "This isn't snuggling," Matt protested.

  Laughing, Seb pulled away. "Let's get back to the campsite. There’re several cans of beer with our names on them."

  After they'd got back to the tent, Matt and Seb relaxed on a couple of camping chairs with a can of beer each whilst Connor set to work cooking.

  "I could really get used to this," Matt said. "Good company, a beer in my hand, and someone to cook for me."

  Connor shot him a narrow-eyed glare, which only made him crack up laughing.

  "You know I'm only teasing."

  "Yeah, and it's a good job too," Connor retorted.

  Matt smacked his lips together. "Don't deny it, though. You like taking care of us."


  Connor rolled his eyes.

  Matt continued to chuckle before drowning his laughter with a large swig of beer. Even though he still felt a pang of concern for Connor and Seb, he was glad the atmosphere had become more lighthearted again. Camping also wasn't as bad as he'd imagined. Of course, he hadn't had to find his way to the toilets to take a piss in the dark yet, nor had he had to endure a freezing-cold November night on a blow-up bed. But so far, he was having a decent time. Wearing a couple of jumpers, a massive winter coat, and a pair of leather gloves definitely helped to keep the chill off. He wondered if he'd have to sleep in as many layers.

  The sky was growing dark fast, so they were making use of the battery-operated lanterns that Matt had brought. They didn't cast a huge amount of light, but it was enough for Connor to cook and for them to be able to see each other. The horizon beyond the river and trees was tinged pink, which faded to a dusky purple and then a dark, inky blue. Stars were just starting to appear, and the first thing that hit Matt was how many there were. He could see stars he'd never noticed before on the rare occasion he'd bothered to look up whilst on his way home from work or a pub, in the dark.

  "It's pretty awesome out here," he said.

  "Yeah," Seb agreed. "Quiet."

  It was quiet. Matt was used to the constant background hum of traffic from the proximity of his flat to the motorway. He'd never really understood what true quiet was. Now he felt like he did. There was noise—the soft hiss of the gas that Connor was cooking on; the whisper of the river as it babbled past them; the occasional chirp of an insect—but none of it was obtrusive.

  "Here you go," Connor said, handing him a metal plate of scrambled eggs with bacon and spinach.

  Matt inhaled deeply as he accepted the plate. "Smells great, thanks."

  Connor shrugged and then handed a second plate to Seb. Then he sat in the third chair with his own food. Seb gave out another round of beers. They ate in comfortable silence. That was always one of the things that Matt appreciated about their friendship. Whenever he met someone new, silence felt awkward. There was the desire to fill in the gaps, as though silence was in some way the enemy to getting to know someone. But really, comfortable silences were the sign of a healthy relationship.