by S S Bazinet
“Arel, you almost checked out permanently. And once again, I couldn’t help because your shields were up.”
“I’m sorry if I upset you—”
“It’s not that. I respect your decisions, but I’m trying to understand what you want.”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
“Yes, but if William hadn’t gone after you—”
“But I didn’t plan on checking out. Things got out of hand. As for my shields, I was trying to protect myself from Rolphe. Everything escalated so quickly that I forgot about letting you help.”
“Yes, but you seem very removed from what you experienced.”
Arel tightened his jaw, reaching for something to hold on to that helped him navigate the latest episode of craziness. “I’ve been through so much in the past couple of years. Maybe I’m starting to take it all in stride.”
A voice answered from the foyer. William stood there with his arms crossed. “Oh, give us a break, Arel. You don’t take things in your stride. You trample problems like some wild horse when is sees a rattlesnake. Afterwards, you check on what’s left and trample the problem again just for good measure.”
Arel smiled back. William had arrived in Chicago that day, and he’d already played the hero. He was a good friend. “And you’re the knight on a mission. You like to rush in and save people.”
William trudged over to a recliner and sat down. “I found you dead. What else was I supposed to do?”
Arel stared at the sofa arm and shrugged. “Good point, but it was an accident.”
“Michael said you were in your astral form, trying to help Rolphe.”
“That’s one problem I didn’t have to trample. By the time I got to his apartment, Rolphe had already cured himself.”
“And you let him attack you?”
Michael interrupted. “From my perspective, I don’t believe Rolphe attacked anyone.”
Arel picked at the linen nap of the sofa fabric. His head felt spacey when he thought about Rolphe. He didn’t have the energy to figure out the man’s motives. “If you say so, I only know that I wanted answers to what happened with Claire. Rolphe seemed to know something, so I asked him for information. That’s when he started staring at me, and I couldn’t break the connection.”
William frowned back. “He did the same thing with me, and you know how I ended up.”
Arel focused his attention on Michael. “So how do you explain what happened, Michael? Is Rolphe reverting to some former, evil self?”
Michael stared out the window again. Chicago was in the grip of an early cold spell. The tree in the front yard had lost its leaves, but it was host to a half dozen black birds. When he replied, his voice was quiet and thoughtful. “Rolphe has power too, like both of you. But that’s not the problem here. Even though he’s tried to prove himself, I don’t think either of you have made your peace with the past.”
“It’s hard to forget the past when it includes someone trying to murder you,” William complained.
“Will’s right,” Arel sighed. “Rolphe professes to be a changed man, but when I was with him, he seemed ill at ease, even a little scary.”
“What do you mean?” William asked.
“Like I said, I couldn’t break the hold he had on me.”
Michael turned around and smiled. “I think he was holding on to you, but not to control you. After what happened to William, I think Rolphe was trying to keep you from losing yourself in his vision.”
William leaned forward. “What was his vision, Arel?”
Arel stilled his hand on the sofa arm. “I don’t want to discuss it.”
“Arel, you nearly died. I think you need to talk about what happened.”
“Look Will, you already know the story about my mother. She hated me. So there’s nothing new to talk about.”
William leaned forward. “I never knew she tried to get rid of you before you were born, did you?”
“There was gossip among the servants when I was a boy, but I think my father intervened on my behalf. Maybe he wanted another son like Aldwin, someone fair and perfect. Then he got me.”
William’s brows narrowed with concern. “Arel, there was never anything wrong with you. I thought you finally knew that.”
Arel stood up. He was suddenly too tired to argue with William. “Tell that to Elise or Claire. Neither of them thought I was good enough. So maybe my mother got it right.” He started out of the room. “Anyway, I’m going to get some rest. I think ‘dying’ is catching up with me.”
The doorbell rang as Arel walked through the foyer. He glanced back at William. “Maybe it’s Annabel.”
Arel opened the door and was surprised to see Elise. Then he remembered Freddie. “Hi Elise, is everything okay with your puppy?”
Elise frowned. “Yes, Freddie is fine. Thank you for your help.”
Arel nodded. “You’re welcome.”
William joined them. “Does Annabel need something?”
Elise shook her head. “Annabel is fine. She’s packing. But I wanted to talk to Arel.”
William stepped forward. “Oh, then maybe I’ll go over to your house and—”
Elise held up her hand. “No, please stay, William. I want you here too.”
Arel sighed. “This might not be a good time, Elise. I’m not at my best.”
Elise’s frown deepened. “Sorry, but I have to speak my piece, then I’ll go.”
Arel reluctantly backed up and gestured for Elise to come in. “Let’s talk in the living room.”
* * * * *
When Elise decided that she needed to talk to Arel, it felt like the right thing to do. But when she stood on Arel’s porch, she had to calm her nervous stomach. The matter she’d come to discuss could be embarrassing.
When she broke up with Arel, she’d blamed herself for everything that had gone wrong. But after talking to William, she began to see their involvement in a different light. She’d come to the conclusion that Arel had played a significant part in the problems they’d had. Before they parted company permanently, she wanted to be clear about both their roles in their failed relationship.
She almost lost her resolve to tackle the subject when Arel answered the door. His face looked tired and stressed, and his skin was very pale. Even so, he asked about Freddie. When Elise explained her need to talk to him, Arel hesitated, but finally gave in.
Once Arel stepped aside and welcomed her into the living room, Elise saw Michael. Her wise advisor was leaving the room. “Michael, please come back. If Carey is around, I’d like him here too.”
Arel gave her a confused look. “I thought you wanted to talk to me. Why do you want them here?”
Elise cleared her throat, put her shoulders back and stood up straighter. “I want everyone to hear what I have to say. If I’m out of line, I’m counting on your friends to let me know it.”
Carey walked in from the foyer, waved to Elise and took a seat.
With the room quiet and with everyone staring at her with expectant eyes, Elise blushed. What if she was wrong and accused Arel of something that wasn’t true? She didn’t want to add to his stress. The man had never looked so worn. Still, she pressed on. “Arel, ever since we broke up, I’ve been apologizing to you. And my apology was called for. I did behave poorly to say the least. However, I don’t think I was the only one at fault.”
Arel’s gaze instantly sparked a little. “What do you mean? I’m sure that I always treated you with respect and kindness.”
Elise met his questioning eyes. “I know you did. But did you ever think to treat me like someone you were interested in as a partner? Looking back on our time together, I realize that you never considered me as someone to love passionately and with all your heart. But that’s how I looked at you. I know you have your shortcomings, but for me, you were everything I’ve always wanted. And now, I realize that deep down, you never intended for our relationship to succeed.”
Arel stared at her with the look of a child being accused of something
they knew nothing about. “Elise, I’m at a loss, but I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you or misled you. I truly am.”
Elise bit her lip. Arel’s voice was strained when he spoke. And the worst part was that she believed what he said. He didn’t seem to understand a word she’d told him. It was an unexpected blow. That’s when she knew she’d been counting on a totally different response.
After her admission of love and her accusations, she felt foolish and exposed. She’d done nothing to change the situation. She only made it worse. There was only one thing left to do. She had to let go of Arel once and for all.
She held out a hand to him. “Goodbye, Arel, and good luck with your life. I wish you the best.”
Arel gave her a weak smile and shook her hand.
She quickly pulled away, turned and briskly walked to the front door. Once outside, she hurried down the stairs and started running. But she didn’t go back to her house. She continued down the street, trying to wipe away her tears. Once she was safely on her way, they flowed freely, coming from a place of heartache that she’d never experienced before.
* * * * *
Arel’s eyes were vacant as he stared at the front door. He knew he should feel something about what had just happened, but he couldn’t access any significant feelings. The numbness started after the breakup with Claire. Later, he found it impossible to care about Rolphe’s condition. Now, Elise had just poured her heart out, and he still couldn’t rouse himself from his apathy. He turned to look at William, then Carey, and finally Michael. “What just happened?”
William crossed his arms and directed his attention to the carpet as if he needed to study it. Carey stared back, but he didn’t answer. Michael was the only one to react. He stood up, came over to Arel and put a hand on Arel’s shoulder. “Elise just said goodbye, dear friend. That’s what happened.”
Arel rubbed his brow, trying to make sense of what Elise told him. “Did she say something about me, something about how I was everything she wanted?”
William stood up and started out of the room. “Forget it, Arel. Forget the whole idea of love. I don’t think you’re ready to take on a relationship.”
Arel followed William into the foyer. “Of course I am. I was totally smitten with Claire. We were going to be married.”
William turned and laughed. “Oh please, you chose someone who was emotionally unavailable.”
Arel stepped back and thought about Claire and how much he’d wanted her, how much he wanted someone who loved him. “She rejected me! What was I supposed to do?”
“Sure you think that, but in the end, when she walked out on you, did you go after her? Did you fight to stay in that relationship? I don’t think so.”
“I thought it was hopeless! She made it clear that I wasn’t the person she wanted in her life? How could I deal with that attitude?”
William continued down the hall. “I don’t know! I just brought you back from the dead. I’m too tired to try to figure out more of your problems.”
“William, I’m grateful, but—”
William turned and huffed out a reply. “But what? Nothing is ever enough for you. Poor Elise, I feel for her. Trying to love a person like you is impossible. You could drive a saint crazy.”
Arel glared back. “You think I’m impossible to live with? Is that what you’re saying?”
William turned around again. “You won’t let anyone in, Arel! Sure you go around helping puppies and saving people, but you’re so walled off that you won’t even trust an angel!”
“That’s so untrue! If I hadn’t trusted Michael, I’d still be hunting rats in an alley!”
“Fine, but you sure didn’t trust him today! When it comes to simply being open to life, you’re as unavailable as Claire.”
“We’ll just see about that!” Arel shouted as he returned to the living room. He went over to where Michael was standing by a recliner. “Do you agree with William, Michael? Am I like Claire?”
Before Michael could answer Arel’s question, William came striding forward. He pushed Arel aside and asked Michael one of his own questions. “Michael, could you and Carey leave us alone for a while?”
Michael stepped back. “Of course.”
After the two angels excused themselves, Arel crossed his arms. “Why did you ask them to leave? Were you afraid Michael would agree with me?”
“No! This has nothing to do with me being afraid.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
William’s blue eyes hardened with resentment. “Don’t you get it? Michael’s an angel! All he can see is your soul! He can’t see how screwed up you are as a human being!”
Arel narrowed his brows with resentment too. “I’m not the only one who’s screwed up! You’ve been running away from yourself since you were a boy!”
“Maybe so, but at least I had enough guts to love somebody and get married!”
“Big deal! You’ve acted like you’ve regretted falling in love ever since!”
William sucked in a breath. “But I don’t feel like that now. I know how lucky I am to have Annabel in my life. And from now on, I’m going to be there for her.”
Arel paused and blinked back. He could always tell when William was revealing some truth about himself. “Really? What happened to change your mind?”
“When I was trapped in that horrible, dream world, I learned quite a bit about the part of myself that I’d rejected. I realized how much I’d given up in the process.”
Arel smiled. “I’ve always known that part of you, Will. Even if you tried to bury it, it was still there. It’s the part of you that cared about me.”
William smiled too. “Yes, you’re right.”
Arel grabbed for his chest. “Did you just agree with me? I think that’s the first time you’ve ever told me that I was right about something. You always tell me that I’m an idiot.”
William shrugged. “Actually, when I talked to that little boy that you once were, I found him to be very bright and very courageous. He helped me to understand how strong we can be if we don’t give up on ourselves.”
Arel walked over to the couch and sat down. “I wish I felt courageous now. Instead, all that I feel is tired.”
“Of course you feel tired. You died a few hours ago.”
Arel slowly rubbed his hand over the arm of the sofa. “Do you want to know something?”
“What’s that?”
“Elise has it all wrong. She thinks I was some kind of cold fish, but it’s not true. When I was first with her, there were times when I wanted to take her in my arms. I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. I wanted to make love to her. But I didn’t think she wanted me. Eventually, I guess it was easier to think she had a problem than to face my own fears.”
William slumped down in a recliner. “You two have a lot in common. You’re both too hard on yourselves. It’s too bad you can’t just start over.”
Arel jerked to attention. “Is that an option? Do you think Elise would give it another go?”
William sighed. “Didn’t you see her face when she left? She’s devastated over the thought of losing you.”
Arel pressed down hard on the sofa arm, clutching at the upholstery. “Are you sure?”
When Arel asked the question, he felt like he couldn’t get enough air. He had to fight to take another breath and gasped out his fears. “William, the truth is that I don’t think I can face more rejection. After feeling how much my mother hated me, maybe I do need those walls you talked about.”
William laid his head back on the sofa, ignoring the urgency in Arel’s voice. “Elise isn’t like your mother. So get your tired butt off that sofa and go after her.”
Arel sucked in another breath. For a moment, he almost felt like he was drowning again. “I don’t know. I’m so confused about life, about love.”
William closed his eyes. “Please, if you can’t trust yourself, trust me.”
Arel heard the deep weariness in William’s voice. It wasn’t a
weariness that came from lack of sleep. This weariness came from a lifetime of trying to hold on to life and find out its meaning. But William didn’t just hold on to his own life, he held on to Arel’s life too. He’d been there for Arel even when Arel was at his worst and taken his anger and rage out on William. In other words, William was the exact opposite of Arel’s mother. Even though William had been brutally wounded as a child too, he kept fighting to keep Arel on the earth.
Then there was Michael. Michael had tried every way he knew to help Arel believe in himself. Carey gave it his best shot too. All in all, Arel had been given proof after proof that he was cared about and wanted. Yet, he’d still managed to ignore what was so plain to see.
As he allowed the truth to filter through, he felt like he could finally breathe again. As soon as his strength began to return, he forced himself off the sofa. He went over to where William was sitting and put his hand on William’s shoulder. “I do trust you, Will, more than anyone. Thank you for always believing in me.”
William opened his eyes a little and stared back. “Elise believes in you, too.”
William’s statement, so matter-of-fact, shifted something in Arel’s chest. It was a strange sensation. As the feeling intensified, it was almost like ice melting in spring. Warmth began to drive out the numbness.
William glanced up again. “Remember when we came back from that battle on your alternate world? I told you that I saw someone in your future.”
“Yes, what about it?”
“That someone was Elise. I’m sure of it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I didn’t know. I only met Elise today.”
Arel paused and let himself remember his encounters with his pretty neighbor. But it wasn’t the Elise who was angry or bitter. It was the Elise who loved to laugh and dance. It was the Elise who could change into a fairy, a magical creature with short, spiky hair who sprinted across his lawn in a Minnie Mouse shirt. It was the Elise who got down on bloody knees, ordering angels around as she tried to save Arel’s carpet. It was the Elise who had the courage to come over and confess her love for him. Now, she’d not only left his house, but possibly his life.