Frankie & Me

by Marie Yates

  ‘Why does he need a mentor then?’ I asked, thinking that these programmes were usually for the kids who needed extra support, or kids who were getting themselves into lots of trouble.

  ‘His mum and brother died back in the country he was born in and now he lives here with his dad and his other two brothers. One of his brothers is in the same year as me. He’s a mentor too and seriously good-looking.’

  ‘Two members of his family died and he’s the happiest kid you’ve ever met?’ I was confused and wanted to know his secret. ‘How has he recovered from that?’

  ‘He said that he misses them every day, but his dad talks about how grateful they should all be to have known them, that his mum gave him life and that his brother is looking out for them all as their own personal angel. He said he can’t waste a second on this earth and that he says “thank you and I love you” to his mum every day.’

  I could feel my eyes were about to leak tears. ‘What an incredible family,’ I said, thinking that I couldn’t remember the last time I had said ‘thank you and I love you’ to my own mum.

  ‘They really are. I know that we’ve had a rough time and have a lot to figure out in our heads, but we can’t even begin to imagine what they’ve seen and experienced. I’m so happy that they’re here now, where they’re safe and they’re totally going to change the world. They’re all really smart and so lovely and I wish their dad would marry my mum so he could be my dad too.’

  ‘Does your mum know about that plan?’ I laughed, wondering if Amie would deal with that a lot better than I did when Mum first met Sammy.

  ‘Nah, they haven’t met, but I reckon I could figure something out.’

  By the sound of it, Amie was already plotting. It was only on the way home that I realised it was one of the first times we’d been out and just talked and had a laugh. It wasn’t about how we were doing, how we were coping or who’d had a rough time recently. We had been just two people, catching up and talking about what was going on in our lives.

  We really were doing more than okay and it felt good.

  Fourteen

  Today has been full on work, work, work so that tomorrow I can spend the day with Frankie. It’s back to Sixth Form next week and I’m determined by then to have caught up, to hand in the essays and to feel like I’ve done a good job.

  So far, the new plan is working and I’ve stuck to it. First, I sorted everything in the diary carefully. I planned for Reggie’s walks, my lunch breaks, which essays I needed to do and in which order, when I had to do research for them, and I even added in 20-minute bursts of taekwondo practice throughout each day (which is helping my brain more than my body I think).

  ‘I’m proud of you,’ Mum told me last night. ‘You seem to have turned a corner with Sixth Form, which I must admit is a relief.’

  It was nice that she had noticed. I thought I’d been able to hide how far behind I was, but obviously not.

  ‘If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know. Is there anything you need? I can take Reggie out before and after work if you need more study time.’

  ‘No way, but thanks. That’s part of the plan to keep me sane. Going out with him wakes me up in the morning and then gives me something to look forward to after a day of mind numbingly boring essays.’

  ‘Aren’t you enjoying it at all?’ She seemed concerned.

  Like who actually enjoys writing essays? ‘I like it when I’ve finished?’ I offered, which was enough to make her relax and leave me to it. Working to the soundtrack of Reggie snoring was funny. I was half-jealous that he could just stretch out anywhere and sleep so soundly, and half-pleased that he was with me but not being annoying.

  I was trying to finish an essay a couple of days ago, and right when I was in my flow, he came thundering up the stairs with his favourite squeaky toy, dropped it at my feet and then spun around, his tail obliterating my tea and the biscuits Mum had left for me. He hoovered up the biscuits and ran off again, leaving me to tidy up and by the time I sat back down to carry on, I had forgotten my genius sentence.

  It’s a good job he’s cute.

  Getting on with all of this work has helped me to think about Frankie only ninety-five per cent of the time and not one hundred per cent of the time. That is progress. We’re messaging a lot, but haven’t been able to see each other very often, so we’ve decided that we should have a day to hang out before we go back to Sixth Form.

  We’re both supposed to have caught up on our work so that we can enjoy tomorrow, but I think I’m the only one working.

  ‘Wish u woz here x,’ came the first message this morning. Frankie had gone for a long run and sent me a picture of her blowing a kiss. She was on top of hill, and I didn’t recognise where it was so who knew how far she’d run.

  ‘That’s some impressive avoidance tactics x,’ I replied, wondering if I’d ever get to a point where I thought running was a better option than writing essays. I doubted it very much.

  I love hearing from Frankie and I love that she messages me, I even get a weird but kind of nice feeling in my stomach when I see her name pop up, but sometimes I wish she’d just take the piss out of me, like she used to. She’s much more flirty now and I guess I feel a bit awkward because we don’t know for sure what’s going on between us.

  I miss having my friend. The friend I could message about how crap it was to have so much work to do, the friend who would slag off the creepy guy at the coffee shop because he kept staring at us, and the friend who understood me and accepted me without question.

  Now, she is more likely to send me a message like that, with her blowing a kiss, than one whinging about work or just a message that says she’s going running because she’s avoiding writing her essay.

  I guess, more than anything, I want my friend back. Would that be enough? Would that be the best option for all of us?

  Focus, Dani. Focus. I have to finish these essays before tomorrow so I can actually enjoy myself and see what happens.

  Having this new plan in my life definitely helps with the daydreaming about Frankie because I have to finish something before I get to go out with Reggie. That’s next on the list and luckily, he’s still snoring his head off so won’t mind waiting another half an hour.

  Fifteen

  Today was supposed to be fun. I thought we could hang out, have a laugh and remember what it was like before there was all this pressure.

  Frankie had a different idea about why we were meeting up. She thought we were going to be talking about us – what was going on and what was going to happen next.

  ‘I can’t deal with being in limbo all the time. One minute I think we might be giving it a go and the next minute you’re blanking me. I just want to know where I stand.’

  That was Frankie’s way of saying ‘hello’ and it left me feeling quite shell-shocked.

  ‘Can’t we just hang out and have a laugh’ I said, desperately trying to lighten the mood and in the hope that I could change the subject. ‘Did you get that essay done in the end?’

  ‘Jesus, Dani! Who cares about the essay?’ I thought she might storm off, so I carried on talking in the hope she’d chill out a bit.

  ‘Erm, me! I don’t want to get thrown out of Sixth Form, because then I’d only get to see you when you’re in town and grumpy.’

  She actually smiled. I think she heard my sigh of relief and I thought we might be able to have a good day after all.

  ‘You do want to see me then?’

  ‘Of course.’ Had I not made that obvious? I was right there, sitting in front of her. Why would I choose to spend the day with her if I didn’t want to see her?

  ‘I don’t get it. We said we liked each other. I know that you’ve had a lot going on and I’ve tried to be patient, but weeks are going by and nothing’s changing. You said you wanted to meet up today and I really thought you’d be putting me out of my misery.’

  ‘Misery?’ That word was a kick in the gut. ‘Am I making you miserable?’

/>   ‘You know what I mean. I don’t know what’s going on and I can’t think about anything else. At least if I knew one way or the other, I could then stop worrying about it all the time.’

  ‘I never wanted to make you miserable.’ I was gutted. I had been so caught up in how I was feeling that I hadn’t thought about the impact it was having on Frankie. While I was finding it annoying that she was sending me those messages, she was trying to figure out what was going on. Did she really like me that much? I looked at her and she wouldn’t look back at me. She was playing with her headphones, staring down while she twisted them around her fingers. I’d only ever seen her doing that when she knew she was about to get told her essay was late and she was worried about what was going to happen. I didn’t know what to say to make things better. I knew what Frankie wanted me to say. I wanted to say those words but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.

  ‘I miss us being friends,’ I whispered. I didn’t mean it to sound like that was all I wanted, but that was what came out of my mouth. I meant that we’d had so much fun when we were friends. We’d talked, we’d laughed, the time had flown by and I’d always walked away from Frankie already looking forward to the next time I’d see her. Right now, neither of us were having a good time, we were both hurting and unhappy and surely that wasn’t right? If you liked someone, that was supposed to be a good thing, wasn’t it? I never thought it could feel like this.

  ‘I can’t do this, Dani. I don’t want to just be friends.’ With that, Frankie stood up, put her headphones on and walked away.

  ‘Now what?’ I said to myself. My eyes filled with tears. ‘Had I just lost the best thing that never happened to me?’ I watched her walk away and I pleaded with my legs to get up and follow her, to chase her and tell her exactly how I felt. I wanted to tell her the truth, tell her how frightened I was that I couldn’t trust my feelings and tell her that the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her.

  Instead, my eyes leaked tears into my hot chocolate as I stared at my phone, willing it to beep and for a message from Frankie to appear. It didn’t happen.

  I had done the very thing that I didn’t want to do. I had hurt Frankie and I had no idea what to do about it.

  Walking around the shops by myself was no fun at all. I saw groups of friends laughing together, couples walking hand in hand and suddenly a wave of loneliness washed over me. I hadn’t felt anything like it for a long time. It was a harsh reminder of how good things had been and how it could all change in a heartbeat. I walked home, still hoping that I’d hear from Frankie.

  As I threw myself onto my bed and crawled under the duvet, I realised that she might be doing exactly the same thing. Was she staring at her phone hoping to hear from me or had I totally screwed up and she was hoping never to hear from me again?

  It had been a long time since I had crawled under the duvet, wanting the escape from the world. It wasn’t a good feeling at all.

  I cried. I cried until I could hardly breathe and I hadn’t even noticed that Reggie had followed me upstairs. He was sitting by my bed, his head resting on the mattress. By his feet was his favourite toy, which he looked at, picked up in his mouth and dropped by my pillow. He wasn’t bouncing around trying to play, he was trying to help, trying to make me smile. At least I could trust my feelings when it came to Reggie. I loved him unconditionally, and the feeling was mutual.

  If I could trust myself so completely about this matter, then what was so different about another human being, who also liked me. Maybe not unconditionally, but she said she liked me. What was so different?

  Sixteen

  ‘Keep avoiding it, Dani, and it’ll never go away. x,’ came the annoyingly perceptive message from Jane.

  Mum must have told her that I was missing Sixth Form today and that I didn’t look ill at all. There’s a reason why I didn’t take drama. My acting skills leave a lot to be desired. Back in my old school, my old life, or what has become known as ‘before’, my drama teacher actually wrote in my report: ‘Dani tries hard in class but I feel her talents lie in the production of performances, not on stage.’

  I remember Mum trying to hold back her laughter as she said that there was a lot of money to be made in production. ‘You know, behind the scenes, Dani, that’s where the fun really is.’

  Yeah, that had been a really good way of boosting my confidence after being told I was rubbish at acting. Luckily, I had never fancied life as an actress and it meant that Mum was even more supportive of me doing PE, which I was actually okay at.

  Anyway, I told Mum that I wasn’t feeling well this morning. I even held my stomach and used my most pathetic ‘but I’m poorly’ voice.

  ‘One day, Dani. One day and then you get yourself back to Sixth Form.’

  I didn’t push my luck and nodded. She left for work.

  The really annoying thing was that I wanted to go to Sixth Form today, I had finished my assignment and was okay with what I’d done. Emailing it in didn’t have quite the same feeling of satisfaction as actually handing it over. Not just handing it over, but handing it over on time. I was only avoiding Frankie. I couldn’t face her. Not yet. Not today.

  I haven’t heard from her since she walked away from me and I haven’t messaged her either. I don’t know what to say. I’ve started about 400 messages and deleted them because I can’t bring myself to press send.

  Even though I know it doesn’t work, I have a habit of avoiding things I am uncomfortable about. Not only does it not work, it usually makes me feel worse and makes the whole situation worse. Right now, I’m hurting myself, I’m hurting Frankie and I’m missing Sixth Form. That is stupid. I know it’s stupid and yet I’m still sitting here, not doing anything about it.

  Jane’s right. Of course, she’s right. By sitting here driving myself insane I’m making everything worse. The situation isn’t going away and I’m not even hiding from it as it’s with me all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it all.

  Right, today has to count for something and I refuse to sabotage everything just because I’m taking the easy way out. Well, it doesn’t feel easy, but at least I don’t have to face Frankie and try to get through a lesson with her. That’s too much to deal with while things are so weird between us.

  I can take Reggie out, as long as I’m not spotted. Mum took him out before she left for work so we can wait until later and if anyone sees me I’ll just say I’m feeling a bit better. I can do some practice for my grading, which I definitely need to do. That’ll focus my brain as it takes so much concentration. I can’t wait for the day it comes naturally to me, like it does for Lucy. Watching her going through all the moves was incredible. I bet she doesn’t avoid training.

  I could also do some work. Weird, I suddenly feel genuinely poorly! What is worse, going into Sixth Form and facing Frankie, or getting some work done at home, while wearing my pyjamas and curling up on the sofa with Reggie? Hmmm, that’s a tough one. Maybe getting some work done isn’t such a bad idea after all. I have my plan all sorted and all I have to do is stick to it. I’ve already messed up by not going to classes today, but that doesn’t mean I totally have to waste the day.

  I know what Jane would tell me to do, so I’ll actually take her advice and try to get focused.

  Goals

  It’s November and I have my red belt in taekwondo

  Mum’s home from work tonight and I have finished an essay.

  It’s the end of December and I have stuck to my plan.

  Success

  Hmmm, I definitely don’t feel like I have succeeded in anything over the last few days. I did send one essay in this morning, so that’s got to count. Other than not actually going into Sixth Form today, which we won’t dwell on, I’ve caught up with the work I was behind on and now just need to stay on top of all the other deadlines. So, it’s not all bad.

  Gratitude

  I’m grateful that I can be at home, that Mum didn’t give me loads of grief for skiving off and that I can hide away while I tr
y to figure out what to do next.

  Reaching for my phone, I’m pleased to see that Katie has messaged me. She must be worried that she hasn’t seen me.

  ‘Have you & Frankie eloped? x,’ reads the message.

  ‘What? x,’ I manage to reply. Eloped? What does she mean by that? Has Frankie said something to her? She wouldn’t, would she?

  ‘Where are you both? x.’

  Both? Does that mean Frankie hasn’t turned up either? Are you freaking kidding me? I’m avoiding her and she’s obviously avoiding me too. This is just stupid.

  ‘I’m ill, will see u tomo x,’ I reply, resisting the urge to ask Katie if she has heard from Frankie. She will think it’s weird that I don’t know where she is.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, course you are x,’ is her fair, but annoying reply.

  This is enough to send my mind spinning again.

  Seventeen

  The answer came to me earlier in the middle of my grading.

  Back home I ponder on it all. Overall, it’s a pretty amazing way to start a new month; with a new belt. It’s my red belt and while that feels really good, there’s something missing – I usually text my friends to tell them and wait for the sarcastic responses about coloured pyjamas and not messing with me anymore. This time, I haven’t told anyone.

  Things with Frankie have almost been too much for me to deal with. I’ve avoided seeing her as much as possible and when I have seen her, it’s been way too awkward. She has made it clear that I have to tell her what I want, one way or the other. She has also been more than clear about what she wants.

  I’ve dealt with this like a proper grown up and avoided her, ploughing all of my energy into my grading and even reaching the depths of despair recently when I chose to write one of my essays before the deadline. That was the point when I realised I was taking my avoidance to a whole new level. It could be worse, a couple of years ago, I would have hidden under the duvet with boxes of Jaffa Cakes and distracted myself with YouTube videos of cute kittens and puppies. I’ve only done that once in the last couple of weeks. Okay, twice. Only twice though, so that’s pretty impressive by my standards.