by Marie Yates
I’ve started going to training sessions early to help out with the beginners’ classes. It was something that Lucy advised me to do.
‘It’ll help you perfect the basics, which are the foundations for everything else you’ll learn,’ she said. ‘And it’ll also remind you of just how far you’ve come. It’s easy to forget how well you’ve done when you’re constantly striving for the next level. Helping out a kid doing their first grading will boost your confidence and it feels good to give something back.’
At the time, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to teach kids as they can be pretty annoying, but this morning, I had an amazing moment with one of the new girls, Gemma. Her mum spoke to me before the session to say that she was having a rough time at school and she hoped that taekwondo would boost her confidence.
‘It worked for me,’ I shared with her. ‘I started training when I was having a horrible time at school and it helped me so much.’
Gemma wouldn’t even look at me to begin with. She reminded me of how I used to look when I had first started. I had been frightened to say anything or look at anyone just in case the bullying started there too. It had taken a while, but thanks to everyone having been so patient and kind to me, it was soon one of my favourite places to be.
I worked with Gemma for the whole session and by the end, she was laughing, smiling and actually really good at picking up the basic moves.
‘You’re pretty good at this,’ I said to her. ‘Keep coming back and you’ll get your first belt in no time.’
‘You’re a good teacher,’ she said, looking at me properly for the first time. ‘I didn’t think I’d like it, but I definitely want to come back again.’
That was a real buzz. Seeing Gemma enjoy the sport that I loved so much and watching her confidence grow was amazing.
Maybe that’s what Sports Psychology is? If I can get that buzz from helping people to get better at the sport they love and be more successful as a result, that will be an awesome way to spend my working days.
Just as Reggie and me settle cosily in front of the TV, Mum’s voice, shatters the daydream I’m having. ‘Get up, Dani, we’re going for dinner.’
‘Dinner? I thought you two were going out?’ I am sure that Mum said she was taking Sammy for dinner so that’s why I made plans to order a pizza and enjoy my big night in.
‘You’ve worked hard this week, so we thought we’d take you out.’
Oh, all right then. Who am I to argue about being taken out for dinner?
It isn’t long before I’m wishing I was back on the sofa though. Sitting in a quiet corner of our local pub, I keep seeing Mum and Sammy look at each other, as if they have something to say but don’t know how to say it. I think they might have had an argument or maybe Sammy is annoyed that I’ve gatecrashed his night out. We’re getting on much better, but I’m sure he would have preferred a night out with Mum rather than having me tag along too.
‘We’ve noticed that you’ve been much happier over the last few weeks, which is great to see,’ Mum says. I nod, wondering why Sammy is staring into his drink and not making eye contact with either of us. ‘You’ve been spending a lot of time with Frankie too. Is that linked to this new, happy version of Dani that we’re all enjoying?’
Before she finishes the sentence, Sammy has excused himself, muttering something about finding the gents.
‘You’ve gone red,’ Mum says, trying not to laugh but failing miserably.
‘I guess the two things might be linked,’ I say, copying Sammy’s tactic of staring into my glass and wondering if I can hide in the gents with him.
‘She’s a lovely girl, you could do a lot worse.’
I want the ground to swallow me up. I can’t think of anything to say but am so relieved that Mum isn’t going to make a big deal out of this.
‘I’ve known for years, love,’ she whispers. ‘I love you and will always support you. Just be warned though, you will be focusing on your studies first, taekwondo second, and then Frankie.’
‘Are you kidding me?’ I reply. ‘Don’t you mean, Reggie first?’
‘You’re right, silly me,’ Mum says, raising her glass. ‘Here’s to happiness.’ She reaches for her phone. ‘I’ll text Sammy to tell him he can stop hiding in the loo now.’
That was embarrassing.
Twenty-Eight
I can’t sleep. I’ve been thinking non-stop about what Mum said.
‘I’ve known for years.’
If she has known for years, then all those months of worrying about what I was feeling about Frankie were for nothing. I honestly thought that it might be just because I was frightened of men, even though I’m not frightened of Sammy, or Grandpa, or any of the guys at Sixth Form.
Hmmm, maybe I didn’t think this through at all.
I wonder how Mum knew when I didn’t. Maybe I didn’t care enough to think about it. It’s not like I’ve been inundated with offers over the last couple of years.
Before the rape, I don’t remember thinking about guys at all. Some of my old friends would talk about guys they thought were fit at school or on TV. I didn’t care. I didn’t think the guys at school were fit. I generally thought they were idiots. When Katie started dating Cal, I was pleased for her but I couldn’t see what all the fuss was about. He’s a nice guy, but I think Katie put me off by the hours she spent talking about him. She’s calmed down now, but she’s lucky we’re all still friends with her after what we had to listen to last year.
I haven’t felt the urge to talk to my friends about women I thought were fit because I don’t remember ever really thinking about it. Hold on. There was one teacher at my old school. She was nice! Maybe I just knew that I shouldn’t announce that when I was around my old friends. She was kind to me, and helped me figure out how to remember the dates of the wars to get through a history exam. It’s funny that I can still remember those dates, but can’t remember anything else we learned.
Then there’s Mum. She managed to figure it out.
‘How did you know?’ I plucked up the courage to ask her once we were back home and Sammy had left.
‘Know what? Oh, that you don’t want to kiss boys?’
‘It’s not funny!’ I said, feeling like I was the adult in the house while Mum was laughing to herself.
‘I remember the exact moment I knew, Dani’
‘What?’ I had no idea what she could be talking about. She said she had known for years so what could I possibly have done that made her so sure?
‘We were out having pizza, celebrating you passing your Year Eight exams.’
Year Eight? Hold on, that was when I passed that history exam. What did I do?!
‘I complained about the pizza because it wasn’t what I ordered and the waitress was quite rude to me, so I asked to speak to the Manager. She was very rude, actually. You know me, I don’t like to complain.’
What was she talking about? I didn’t remember any of this.
‘Anyway, the Manager came over and you actually looked her up and down. It was embarrassing, Dani. Admittedly, she was a beautiful woman. When she leant over to talk to us, well, let’s just say there wasn’t any doubt in my mind from that moment on.’
Oh. My. God.
‘Stop laughing, that’s not funny.’ Mum was bordering on the hysterical.
‘I’ve waited years to tell you that story,’ she admitted wiping her eyes. ‘You’re right, it’s not funny. I thought I had raised you to treat women with more respect than that.’
She was off again. I hadn’t really imagined what it would be like when Mum found out I was seeing Frankie. I didn’t think she’d care that she was a girl, Mum was pretty open-minded, but I hadn’t expected this.
‘I thought about saving that story for your wedding, but seeing your face right now is pure magic.’
‘Wedding? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There aren’t any more stories you’re saving are there?’
‘Wouldn’t you like to know.’
‘YE
S, I bloody would.’ I dreaded to think what else I might have done. ‘That’s so embarrassing. Who else knows about that?’
‘Only Jane, and Jane’s ex, and Lucy, Sammy knows and oh, Dani, it doesn’t matter. That’s one of the perks of having a child, you get to share the embarrassing stories. Now, I can’t wait to tell Frankie. When is she coming over?’
‘Never.’
‘Seriously though, Dani, I don’t know if you were worried about telling me or if you were worried about what I’d think. I hope you know me well enough to know that my only concern is your happiness, and I really am happy for you. Things are going your way and you have the whole world at your feet. This is an exciting time.’
‘I wasn’t worried about telling you, and I was pretty sure you’d be cool about me liking girls …’ I stopped. I didn’t know whether to say anything else.
‘What is it?’ Mum asked, as perceptive as ever.
‘I just wasn’t sure myself,’ I answered, not sure whether to go into details.
‘What happened to you has nothing to do with sex, nothing to do with how you feel about men or women and nothing to do with anything other than one evil piece of shit making the worst possible decision of his worthless life.’
‘Well, when you put it like that.’ I smiled.
‘Love feels amazing, Dani. I know that’s a strong word, but trust your gut. If what you’re feeling for Frankie makes your heart sing, then you don’t have to second-guess it. Enjoy it.’
There wasn’t much I could say to that. Mum was right, it felt good and I was enjoying it. I needed to practice not to overthink things, as I was very good at that.
‘Just treat Frankie with more respect that you did that Manager.’
‘Can you let that go?’ I pleaded, knowing that Mum would entertain herself with that story for years now that she had shared it with me.
‘Never.’ She laughed.
‘Marvellous.’
Twenty-Nine
‘I don’t get what the big deal is,’ said Frankie when I told her about my conversations with Mum. ‘It’s not like we’re in the dark ages, if you like someone you like someone, there doesn’t have to be a big announcement or a label attached to it.’
‘I guess I was just pleased there wasn’t a drama.’ I was disappointed that Frankie was being so dismissive. It was a big deal to me. It was the first time I had admitted to Mum I actually liked someone, let alone that I was officially seeing someone. That was a big deal, wasn’t it? ‘Have you told your folks about me?’ I asked, cautiously. Frankie didn’t seem to be in the mood for a deep and meaningful conversation.
‘Sure, I talked about you a lot last year and then they knew I was in a bad place after everything that happened, or didn’t happen, and now they know I’m happy again, because of you.’
‘Are they okay with us seeing each other?’ I felt like I was interviewing her. I thought this would be a laugh, something that she’d want to talk about, or at least would want to listen to after my weekend of revelations with Mum.
‘Of course. I had the riot act read to me about not failing Sixth Form, but they don’t care. I mean that in a nice way, they don’t care that you’re a girl, they just don’t want me to lose focus and keep telling me how important this year is.’
‘Mum said the same thing. She’s worried that I’m not doing enough to keep my options open and that, if I fail, I won’t have the luxury of choosing which Uni I want to go to, only which supermarket I want to stack shelves in.’
‘You could do a lot worse than stacking shelves, but I don’t think either of us should aim for that.’ She laughed. ‘I can’t even think about Uni, I know that we have to figure it out, but it hurts my head. We could just run away to the circus and become a lesbian double act.’
‘I thought you said that we didn’t need to attach labels to anything?’ I wasn’t going to let that go unnoticed.
‘Funny. I just meant that I don’t really get the whole “coming out” thing. I mean, why make such a big deal out of it? There was a guy in my old school who spent ages planning how he was going to tell his parents, he went on and on about it. He made it into such a huge drama that he was almost disappointed when his parents didn’t care. I know that some people have horrible reactions or their folks would rather lose their kids than admit to their friends they have a gay kid, but that just makes them morons and why would you want a moron in your life?’
‘You make it sound so simple,’ I said, wondering if she’d feel differently if she had parents who weren’t so open-minded. ‘We’re lucky that your parents and my mum have been so cool about it, but what if you’d been rejected by the very people who should be standing by you.’ I was thinking about Jane. She hadn’t talked about her family and I knew that as a kid she’d spent as much time as possible with Mum and my grandparents. When she had admitted to her family she liked girls, they had told her that she was an embarrassment to them. Mum said that they were pretty horrible people anyway, but Jane being a lesbian was the icing on the cake for them. They made her life a misery and she escaped as soon as she could. How stupid was that? Jane was seriously clever, she’d gained amazing exam results, she was now a doctor and had an awesome career. She had her own house, lots of friends and was happy. Who wouldn’t want that for their kid? Mum would shout it from the rooftops if I was clever enough to be called ‘Doctor’.
‘I suppose, but I guess it’s just never been a big deal to me, or to anyone around me. I talked about women I liked when my friends talked about guys they liked. My folks have never said that their aim for me is to have a traditional two-point-four family and my dad even went and bought me extra Blu Tac when I wanted to cover my bedroom wall in posters of the Williams’ sisters.’
‘The tennis players? Really?’ I was surprised as I couldn’t be further from the muscular build of Serena and Venus, and the last time I had asked Frankie about playing tennis she had laughed at me saying she hated the sport.
‘We all have our secrets, Dani!’
‘You’ve never talked about women you like around me,’ I said, wondering if I’d missed something she had said or been totally oblivious to hints she had dropped.
‘It never came up in conversation.’ She laughed. ‘You didn’t talk about anyone you liked, and I get why, but I couldn’t quite figure out whether you would run into my arms or run a mile. It turned out you did both!’
‘Well, we’re not all as enlightened as you.’
Thinking about it now, I wasn’t ready to joke about my major freak out and I didn’t want to admit to Frankie that I still freak out sometimes.
We didn’t talk about the future or about what we wanted to do about Uni. Frankie changed the subject with her circus comment so I didn’t push it.
Shouldn’t we talk about what we’re going to do? I don’t know if she’s thinking about moving to the other end of the country, or whether she’s seeing me now but thinking it’s only a casual thing that she’ll forget about in the summer. If I ask her, will she think I’m moving too fast or being needy? I know I’m probably overthinking things again, but if she says it’s ‘no big deal’ once more, I’m going to have to ask her whether she’s talking about us or not.
Thirty
This year is going too fast. I can’t keep up and I’m getting totally stressed out about it. It’s half-term next week and I have so much to do I could cry. It’s not like the deadlines are a surprise, I’ve known about them since the first week back in January, but with everything that has been going on, I’ve done exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I have left everything to the last minute, thinking I’d have time. I don’t have time and I have no idea why I’m so bloody stupid. I always do this and I never learn from it. I’m now panicking, upsetting everyone around me and eating too much. My head is full, I can’t think and Frankie hasn’t helped at all.
She just sent me this message. ‘Wanna stay over for Val’s Day? Jus u & me x.’ I’ve been wondering what she might say about V
alentine’s Day. As usual, because it is something I feel unsure about, I have avoided talking about it and thinking about it. Mum mentioned something about cooking for Sammy because restaurants double their prices so I know that I won’t have the house to myself. That means I will have to go to Frankie’s and I know that the ‘just you and me’ comment means that Reggie isn’t invited. I also know what that means.
Things have been going well, but I can’t help freaking out at the thought of staying over. I can’t think about it. Not thinking about it is all I can think about! When Reggie is with me, I feel safe. It’s not that I think Frankie would deliberately do anything to freak me out, or that Reggie would do anything other than roll over for a belly rub if she did, but when he’s there, I feel protected. He’s the perfect distraction if nothing else. If things are moving too fast or if I’m freaking out, I can say that Reggie needs a walk or he’ll start playing with something and that gives me an excuse to shift my attention. Without him, I would have to relax about what’s happening and I’m not sure if I’m ready to do that. Frankie has made a few comments about leaving him alone when he starts playing or that he’s fine for another half an hour without going for a walk and I think her patience might be running out.
‘Dani, get down here,’ Mum shouts and her tone stops any thoughts of what might happen with Frankie.
‘What have I done now?’ I say as I see what she’s holding and realise that I’m in trouble.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about this?’ she asks, sticking with the tone that I know I mustn’t mess with.
‘Sorry, I knew you’d be annoyed and I am rewriting it now so I can resubmit it before half-term. I just didn’t understand the question.’ It’s a poor excuse, but I’m more annoyed that I forgot to bring the pile of coursework upstairs with me. If I’d remembered to tidy up, Mum would never have known that I’d failed that essay.
‘Even I understand the question, Dani. You’re better than this and it’s not a lack of brainpower that’s led to you failing. I’ve been letting you get on with your life, not questioning you about your grades and look at where that’s got you. You’ve failed, for crying out loud.’